Your Hidden Superpower to Ignite Connection With Those You Love

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time – not just when it comes to our work, but most often with those closest to us.

Family life is full of daily negotiations.  You might negotiate with your spouse about anything from household responsibilities to major parenting decisions.  You might negotiate with your kids about daily chores, bedtimes, or curfews.

But what happens when you can’t seem to reach any agreement and you find blame and resentment taking over?  It can be very easy – and it’s all too common – to point blame and label the other person unreasonable, selfish, or even narcissistic.  You might believe there’s nothing you can do about it.

But there is.  What is it you really want?  Do you want to work it out and improve your relationships at home?  If so, you already have the solution.  The first thing to do is to first take charge of your emotions and refocus on the end game.

And then simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  We all need to feel seen, heard and understood.  So, you might ask yourself how does your loved one view the situation?  What’s important to them?  What are they experiencing?  Do they feel angry or hurt?  Why?

And as you listen carefully to the answers, you will learn where the other person is coming from.  By asking and listening, you can achieve the ultimate reward of generating mutual solutions while deepening personal connection with those you love.

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If You’re Struggling to Connect with Your Teen, Try This Unique Approach

It is extremely common to struggle to connect with our teenage children.  It seems as if suddenly, your child is a stranger.  What happened to that sweet child you knew so well?

Having raised two teens, I know all too well what that’s like.  It is true that teens fiercely want  more independence and the freedom to do things their own way.  But the reality is they still need to stay connected to you – like the saying that parents should give their children “roots and wings.”

Here’s what has worked for me – and this, I’ve found, goes for anything you want in life.

First and foremost, focus on the kind of relationship you want with your child.  Visualize you and your child talking together, laughing, doing a favorite activity together.  Feel how it feels.

Then, recall all the things you appreciate about your child.  You might include the little things you’ve forgotten or may not even have thought about – how he looks when he’s sleeping, her kind heart, the way he looks when he’s trying to figure something out, her confidence.

You might also remember the things you loved about your child when he or she was very little. How he used to beg you to read the same story over and over again.  Or how she loved to play “teacher” by reading a story to the dog.  And include the things about your child that you’re grateful for – that he’s healthy, that you can provide a good home.

If it feels right, you might share some of these things with your child as a reminder to him or her of your love.

You might also start with taking ownership if you’ve been overly critical of your child and how.  By doing this, you’re not only connecting with your child, you’re also modeling responsibility and respect.

You might also acknowledge it can be difficult as a parent to navigate this strange new time, just as it is for your child, but that your love will always be there for them.  And for specific advice on balancing your teen’s need for independence with house rules, check out this post.

I found it extremely important to make it clear that your child can come to you with anything and that there is nothing they could ever say or do that would make you stop loving them.

I recognize that saying things like this don’t generally come easy for us.  But once you go there and you experience that true connection with your child, it will be worth it.  For both of you.

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New Jersey Court Crisis Can Be Unique Opportunity to Settle Your Divorce Case and Save You Time and Money

According to a recent press release by the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, as of February 21, 2023, except for very limited circumstances, all trials in civil and family courts are suspended, in 6 New Jersey counties due to the existing judge vacancy crisis, which spread additional New Jersey counties “in the near future.”

Therefore, there will be no civil or family court trials held in Hunterdon, Somerset, Warren, Cumberland, Gloucester, and Salem counties at this time.  The New Jersey courts are prioritizing criminal and juvenile delinquency matters, where an individual’s liberty is at stake, and potential emergencies like domestic violence cases.

According to the press release, there are 69 judge vacancies throughout the New Jersey courts with current judges already handling thousands of court proceedings and motions each month.

At the same time, the backlog of divorce and family cases that increased during the pandemic continues to increase as judge vacancies escalate, now resulting in a full-blown crisis.  The byproduct is also that the limited number of judges spread throughout the state are inundated by motions for people who are unable to settle their cases.

What can you do if you’re getting a divorce?

While there are certain family cases that might need court intervention, the vast majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court by mutual agreement.  This is where you and your spouse agree on terms and sign a written Marital Settlement Agreement.  This is a contract that resolves all issues between the two of you, including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Therefore, while only a court can legally dissolve a marriage, you don’t need the Court to make these critical decisions for you.  It is only after you and your spouse have signed a Marital Settlement Agreement that you file the necessary paperwork with the court to legally dissolve the marriage.  And the costs of reaching an agreement with your spouse out of court are likely to be a fraction of what they’d likely be if a court were to decide the issues for you.

Unfortunately, getting to a Marital Settlement Agreement has been made much more difficult since the pandemic with most court proceedings still held remotely, which is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.

With court proceedings and settlement conferences being held remotely, there is no longer an opportunity to sit down in the courthouse and settle divorce cases.   Before the pandemic, all family court proceedings were held in person.  While at the courthouse, you and your attorneys could sit in the hallway or in a conference room and talk about settling your case.

But the court crisis presents a unique opportunity for you and your attorneys to hold your own settlement conferences and in person mediation sessions. That way, you can talk to each other in person the way people used to – but instead of at the courthouse, in your own attorneys’ offices and in mediation sessions.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.  And with skilled settlement oriented attorneys, chances are it won’t be as bad as you might think.

The important thing is that it puts you in the driver’s seat to determine your own outcomes and make your own decisions about your children and your financial future rather than leave such important decisions to the court.

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How To Decide if Divorce is Right for You and How To Keep Things Amicable in a New Jersey Divorce

When a potential client comes to me for a consultation to find out what divorce entails, we will talk about what’s been happening and why they are considering divorce at this time. We will talk about your most pressing concerns and what outcome you most want to achieve.

If you are clearly struggling with deciding whether or not to divorce, we might talk about whether you and your spouse have similar or compatible values, where perhaps you might consider ways to save the marriage.  Or if and your spouse have incompatible values, whether you are both willing to communicate, listen, and work together.

Whether you ultimately decide to divorce or not, it’s important to know what’s involved and what you can expect in a New Jersey divorce.

For instance, during the consultation, we will often talk about how you might save time and money and keep things more amicable by reaching out of court divorce settlements that resolve all issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Here are three general actions to start with to on the road to reaching an agreement with your spouse:

1.        Consider Parenting time.

If you have children, they need both of you now more than ever.  Consider the future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  Start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.  It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

It is generally best for kids to spend time with each parent on a regular basis.  So, to this end, work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement .

Also consider how large upcoming expenses will be paid – things such as buying your teen a vehicle or college tuition – to avoid court for such decisions.

2.        Inventory the financials.

Ideally with your spouse, take stock of all assets and debts acquired during the marriage, as well as marital income and expenses.

You can start by assembling important documents that include bank statements, tax returns, and documentation for values of debts, assets, including pensions and retirement accounts, and property valuations.

3.        Consult with financial and/or tax advisors.

They can help you decide on important financial decisions including whether to keep or sell the home or how to structure and leverage assets that can help each of you achieve short- and long-term goals.  Financial and tax advisors can be instrumental in helping you develop short- and long-term budgets.

Many times, divorce agreements can be reached by negotiating or mediation, or by other means depending on your particular circumstances.  The agreed upon terms are generally incorporated into a written divorce agreement, commonly called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

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5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships with Friends, Family and Romantic Partners

Relationships matter.  In fact, they are essential to our very survival.  Scientific research reveals that social connection and relationships are essential human needs that improve our physical health and mental and emotional well-being.

As a family lawyer and conflict resolution strategist, I have a regular front row seat to what appears to be hopeless disconnection – and I help people gain a greater understanding of each other’s perspectives and a sense of cooperation when they ultimately reach agreements about their children and financial futures.

Close personal connection makes a dramatic difference in our lives.  Personal and social connection is when we experience feeling close to and a sense of belonging with others.  It is when we have shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar beliefs or opinions.

According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest-running studies of adult life, social connection may be our single greatest need after food and shelter.

The Harvard Study started in 1938 during the Great Depression and shows that close relationships are what make us live long and happy lives.

According to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study in his viral TED talk, the research revealed three lessons:

• Having social connections is better for our health and well-being; and conversely, loneliness kills; lack of social connection over time affects our health more than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure; prolonged loneliness can have the same effect on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
• Having higher-quality close connections is more important for our well-being than the number of connections.
• Having good relationships is not only good for our bodies, but also for our brains.

New York Times bestselling author and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW agrees that a sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.  According to Dr. Brown, connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

Building close friendships and romantic relationships can be difficult, particularly as we get older.  It is ironic that close relationships are essential to our mental, emotional, and physical health, even for our very survival, yet where and how can we learn to build and maintain them?

Such essential life skills are not taught in schools and there are no how-to manuals.  So what can we do?  Below are 5 ways to strengthen your relationships with friends, family and romantic partners:

1.      Be open and curious about our emotional experiences.

It starts with us.  We might open up to the belief that we all deserve and are capable of close personal relationships.  It’s important to pay attention to the parts of us that might be holding us back from connection.  For  example, if you tend to harshly judge and easily distrust people, where does that come from?  We can only change what we acknowledge.

According to Brené Brown in her New York Times Bestseller Rising Strong, we can start by getting curious about our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.   Dr. Brown points out that emotions like hurt don’t go away simply because we don’t acknowledge them.  In fact, if left unchecked, it festers, grows, and leads to behaviors that are completely out of line with whom we want to be, and thinking that can sabotage our relationships and careers.   She suggests we can commit to blaming others less and holding ourselves more accountable for asking for what we need and want; we can parent by telling our kids that it’s ok to be sad or hurt- it’s normal and we just need to talk about it.

The irony, Brown says, “is that at the exact same time that we are creating distance between ourselves and the people around us by off-loading onto others, we are craving deeper emotional connection and richer emotional lives.”  As difficult and uncomfortable as it is to talk about emotions, not talking about them ultimately causes greater disconnection and damage to relationships than feeling our way through them and committing to learning an empowering vocabulary to have tough conversations.

Likewise, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

2.     Use the language of connection.

When we acknowledge what’s going on for us, we can learn to pull out of our automatic knee-jerk emotional reactions and settle into choosing the response in that moment that’s going to build that connection for the benefit of the relationship.  Check out this post for examples.

3.     Mindset matters.

When approaching new friendships and relationships, assume that people will like you.  According to Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendship and authored “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends,” people you meet are more apt to like you than you presume.

4.      Reach out.

Sending even a brief text message to check in, just to say “Hi”, that you are thinking of them, and ask how they’re doing can be appreciated more than people think, according to a 2022 research study.

5.      Try these 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness

The Greater Good Science Center based at UC Berkeley, which provides a bridge between the research community and the general public, designed 36 questions to overcome barriers to closeness with “reciprocal self-disclosure.”

According to Greater Good, while this exercise has a reputation for making people fall in love, it can be useful for anyone you want to feel close to, including family members, friends, and acquaintances.

The idea is to reveal increasingly personal information about yourself to another person, as they do the same to you.  Research shows that spending just 45 minutes engaging in this type of self-disclosure can dramatically increase feelings of closeness.

The challenge can be that we need to be willing to open up, which isn’t always easy.  The 36 questions are designed to encourage both people to open up at the same time and at a similar pace and reduce the likelihood that the sharing will feel one-sided with an opportunity for the other person to respond positively to our self-disclosure.

The questions are also designed to mirror the gradual getting-to-know-you process but at a more accelerated pace.  You can check out the questions with instructions here.

Just as we might do to stay healthy with diet and exercise, it’s equally, if not more, important to develop and nurture our personal relationships so essential for our well-being.

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Three Powerful Ways to Manage Your Emotions When Conversations Get Heated

If you’re in the midst of divorce – or any conflict for that matter – you can learn how to immediately calm your emotions when things get heated.  When you do, you’ll be able to think clearly and rationally with solutions that work best.

As humans, we all have that automatic knee-jerk emotional reaction when a conversation suddenly turns heated.  Our brains are biologically hardwired to automatically react to a perceived threat to our safety.  The brain’s automatic “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction literally takes over.

That’s when we lose the very part of our brains we need most to think rationally and intentionally.  That’s when we are likely to say something that makes things worse.

But when a relationship is important or if your goal is to settle your divorce amicably, knowing how to pull out of that automatic reaction and choose how best to respond in the moment is far more likely to get you what you ultimately want.

Here are 3 powerful ways to pull out of “fight, flight, or freeze” during a heated conversation or argument:

1.        Pause and notice.

What are you feeling right now?  Do you feel pressure in your chest or is your heart beating faster as your anger rises?  Focusing on these sensations will help the anger dissipate.  According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions last only 90 seconds.  They are really just like waves in the ocean.

What makes emotions last longer than that are the thoughts and stories we tell ourselves about why we’re feeling a certain way.  For instance, feeling frustrated that someone or something should be different than what is.

Instead, try suspending all thoughts about why you feel angry or frustrated or hurt, which will only make that emotion stronger, and simply notice “I’m feeling angry and I feel my heart beating faster and feel tense in my chest.”

2.        Slow your breathing.

Breathe in and count 1-2-3-4.  Breathe out as you count 1-2-3-4-5-6.  Repeat until the emotion subsides and you can think clearly.

3.       Take a break.

If things get too heated, you can always call a time-out.   Suggest when might be a good time to continue the conversation.

Mastering our emotions during conflict is an invaluable life skill.  Just like with exercise, the more consistent you are, the easier it becomes.

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