How To Dramatically Transform All Your Relationships In The New Year and Beyond

I have to admit, during the holidays, I’m a sucker for those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. The ones that portray loved ones gathered around a roaring fire or baking cookies in a warm home expressing warm fuzzy feelings to each other.

Ironically, I can’t help but notice the stark contrast of this image with today’s reality.  Tune in to any major news channel and we become instantly bombarded with expressions of hate and violence that appear to now be more commonplace than rare exceptions.  It’s no wonder our current culture has become pervaded by mistrust, skepticism, and suspicion.

Sadly, it appears we’ve surrendered to becoming divided and separate from one another.  Which is ironic because we, as human beings, crave social connection and a deep basic need to be heard and understood.

As  Brené Brown Ph.D., author of her latest bestseller, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, describes in this article, “we’re in a spiritual crisis:”

We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away from one another and toward blame and rage. We’re lonely and untethered.  And scared. … If I had to identify one core variable that magnifies our compulsion to sort ourselves into factions while at the same time cutting ourselves off from real connection with other people, my answer would be fear. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of the pain of disconnection. Fear of criticism and failure. Fear of conflict. Fear of not measuring up. When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes.

According to Brown, “the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection:”

If we’re going to change what is happening in a meaningful way,  we’re going to need to be intentionally with people who are different from us and learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.

And here’s something important to remember.  Each and every one of us has the ability to make an impact each and every day.   Whether we choose to make an inconsiderate comment or a kind gesture – we have the power in each moment to choose connection.

So, what exactly can we do to create and sustain close satisfying relationships?  Not only with the people who matter most to us – our spouses, kids, and extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues – but with anyone, at any time, anywhere?

Based on my decades-long experience in negotiation, advocacy, and mediation, and intensive study of human behavior and interpersonal communication, what became crystal clear is this.  We create and maintain close interpersonal relationships by really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.

The importance of effective communication cannot be overstated.  It determines the success of the outcome.  It can make or break a relationship in an instant.  It can be used to persuade, empathize, advocate, negotiate, inspire – but only when combined with effective listening and learning the other person’s point of view.

Here are 4 ways to set the stage now for successful relationships in the New Year and coming decade:

1.          Just Do It.

Begin to notice the things you admire or appreciate about the important people in your life.  And here comes the scary part.  Take a deep breath and tell them specifically what you admire or appreciate.  So many times, we leave things unsaid because “it’s easier” than the unknown reaction.  Yet these very things that have the power to dramatically transform a relationship.  Here are some examples that might get you started.

2.          Don’t Assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume another person’s intentions and motivations.  I’m certainly guilty of this.  I’ve often believed it was the other person who was wrong.

But I like to use a saying I once heard on an episode of the old sitcom The Odd Couple (I’m dating myself now…).  The one where Felix uses a whiteboard to show that when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.  Instead, start by asking yourself “what don’t I know about his person’s motivation, intention, reasoning, and feelings?”

3.          Really listen.

“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.” — Alan Alda.

All humans have a deep, primal need to be heard and understood.  When we can listen with a willingness to be changed by what we hear, our relationships will become dramatically stronger.

In a conversation, when I start to notice my own biases and judgments showing up, I’ve learned to put on the brakes and remind myself to listen with the intent to learn and connect, rather than to blindly inform.

4.          Communicate Intentionally.

Every word we say has significance.  Likewise, every facial expression, gesture, body posture conveys a message.  So, before responding, you might visualize as if you were the other person – what would you think and feel from that vantage point?

It also helps to match the other person’s speaking style and vocabulary.  Take their lead on the words they use so your response arises naturally.  Sync up your body language.  For example, lean in, make eye contact, nod, and say “yes.”

When asking questions to learn where the other person is coming from, it’s generally best to use “how” and “what,” not “why.”   The word “why” tends to immediately put the other person on the defensive with a need to justify their words and feelings.

When we start to communicate with a real understanding of another’s viewpoint, with genuine curiosity, respect and compassion, each and every relationship becomes stronger and more rewarding.  And we can achieve any important outcome when we engage, inspire and connect powerfully with others.

Best of luck and I’d love to hear your feedback!  

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Wishing you the very best of holidays and a Happy and healthy New Year!

Four Ways To Win Your Negotiation When The Relationship Is Important

We negotiate all the time with people we see on a regular basis – and with whom we have an ongoing relationship that’s important to maintain.

Negotiation is essentially the process of reaching agreements.  In business, it might be with business partners, vendors, investors, and employees.  At home, it might be with your spouse – from whether to go out or stay in, or whether to stay together.  Or with your kids – from whether to buy the new toy or the new car.

It’s no secret that knowing how to negotiate skillfully and effectively is essential for business success.  It also helps to create good parenting, healthy relationships with our children, and a stronger marriage.

So how can you get what you want from in your negotiations without “upsetting the apple cart” in your relationships?  Try these four “winning” ways.

1.          Listen to really understand.

The other person’s point of view can look very different than yours.  That’s because we each interpret things differently according to our particular personal experiences and beliefs.

According to the Harvard Law School, Program on Negotiation, even if you have decided to make the first offer and are ready with a number of alternatives, you should always open by asking and listening to assess your counterpart’s interests.  And the more you can learn about what the other person needs or wants, the better your position in the negotiation.

Assuming you know what they want can easily derail any negotiation.  The worst negotiators I’ve encountered in over 25 years practicing law are the ones who dominate the negotiation and continuously argue the merits of their position.

Instead, begin by asking open-ended questions and listen very carefully.  Listen to the words as well as tone, body language and by reading between the lines.  You can really learn a lot about the other person by focusing on the context instead of the content of what they’re saying.  Do they appear angry, frustrated, or scared?  This will help you manage your own emotions by staying focused.

Likewise, when the other person sees that you understand where they’re coming from, they’re more likely to trust you.  People are generally more likely to accept suggestions and do business with those they know, like, and trust.

2.          Keep the negotiations respectful.

Particularly when negotiating a business transaction that requires ongoing involvement or with someone you’d like to do business with again, it’s key to be respectful and collaborative.  The negotiation is far more likely to be successful than if you come across as insulting or abusive.

By the same token, according to established social science research, people tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions.  Therefore, if we cooperate with others and treat them with respect, they’re likely to respond in kind.

3.          Ask for something in return for a concession.

It’s important to avoid continually conceding, or giving in, to what the other person wants.  Otherwise, the other person will just keep asking for more unreasonable things and know that you’ll eventually give in.   So, if you give in on a point, make sure to ask for something in return.

4.          Put it in writing.

You can keep the momentum going by putting agreed upon key terms in writing.  This will also help secure the other person’s commitment. 

Conclusion

These straightforward strategies can make a big difference in the outcome of your negotiations – with your relationships not only intact, but better.

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Four Important Tips for Navigating the Holidays with Kids When You’re Separated or Divorced

No doubt about it – divorce is difficult as it is.  And during the holidays, it can be downright brutal.  Especially when you have kids who need you.

If you’re divorced, it’s likely you already have a custody and parenting time arrangement spelled out in your divorce agreement.

If you’re separated, you can have your lawyer draft up a custody and parenting time agreement.

In any case, it’s important for kids that you and your ex lay out even a general plan for where and how the kids will spend the holidays.  Below are 4 important tips for navigating the holidays with kids when you’re separated or divorced:

1.          Stick to tradition as much as possible.

For example, if you typically hosted Christmas dinner, you might consider continuing this tradition and keeping a home-base for your children.  One option might be having your children spend the main holiday meal with one parent and share dessert or brunch with the other parent.  Or if your ex’s family traditionally hosts Christmas Eve dinner and yours typically hosts Christmas Day, you can arrange for the kids to continue to share the holidays the same way.

2.          Don’t leave holiday plans up to the kids.

Depending on their ages, it can be a big burden for them.  It’s common for kids to feel guilty leaving one parent alone.  Therefore, it’s generally best if you and your ex together decide how the kids will spend the holidays.  That would give them much needed structure and stability, especially in the midst of this family transition.

3.          Allocate time during the holiday school break.

School-age kids are typically off from school from just before Christmas until just after New Year’s Day.  During this time, you and your ex might each plan special outings or activities on allocated days.

4.          Divide the holidays up into parts.

For instance, you and your ex can decide where and how the kids will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and New Years’ Eve and New Years’ Day.  Or allocate certain hours of the day or evening for each parent.  Same idea if one or both parents celebrates Hanukkah.

Another alternative is to allocate holiday time by alternating holidays each year.  For example, the kids might celebrate certain holidays with one parent this year, and the other parent next year.

The bottom line is that when it comes to divorce and navigating the holidays with kids, consistency is key. Communication is essential.  And stability is necessary.

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Seven Ways to Feel Grateful for Difficult Family Members this Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving holiday is traditionally when we celebrate all that we’re thankful for.  It’s also a holiday often spent with family members.

But what if certain family members leave us feeling anything but thankful?  We don’t have to let difficult family members get in the way of an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday.

After all, every challenging relationship is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and to grow.  It might be the need to communicate better, to set boundaries, or simply to show gratitude so we can feel grateful.   We don’t have to leave our feelings to chance.  We can act first in order to feel.

Below are 7 actions we can take to  feel grateful for difficult family members this Thanksgiving:

1. Listen intently to what they have to say to see where they’re coming from. Refrain from thinking of a rebuttal in the meantime.
2. Point out something you admire about them and offer a genuine compliment.
3. Recognize they are doing the best they can.  When you do, it’s often easier to let go of anger and resentment.
4. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference for you.
5. Do something small but thoughtful for them.
6. Give them a gift you think they would appreciate or enjoy.
7. If you’re having a “Friendsgiving” with close friends instead of difficult family members, be thankful for that opportunity.

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The Surprising Scoop on Mediation that Everyone Should Know

While you might have heard of mediation, very little is known to the public about what mediation really is and the many ways it can be used to derail the high cost of conflict.

This post gives you the lowdown on mediation – the surprising scoop and its many benefits that everyone should know.

As most lawsuits settle before the judge decides, litigants are increasingly turning to mediation to resolve their disputes.  But contrary to common belief, mediation is not just for parties to court proceedings.

What is mediation?

Mediation is a confidential, non-binding process for resolving conflicts between two or more people.  It is a structured negotiating process facilitated by a neutral third party.

Mediation is often confused with arbitration, which is a private substitute for court litigation where an arbitrator makes legally binding decisions like a judge.

In contrast, the mediator has no authority to make decisions for the parties and cannot give legal advice.  Mediation allows the parties to create their own unique solutions.  As a result, parties are generally more satisfied with the solutions reached.

Likewise, mediation does not focus on who is right and who is wrong.   It focuses on forward-thinking and creating unique solutions.

Who is mediation for?

Since mediation is a conflict resolution process, anyone involved in a conflict can benefit.  “Conflict” can be defined best as a clash of differing viewpoints, values, opinions, needs, or interests that causes ongoing resentment or hostility between those involved.

After all, as human beings, we interpret interactions, situations, and events according to our own set of personal experiences and beliefs. And our interpretations about events (not the event itself) that create our feelings.  So, it’s those differing interpretations that often clash and create conflict.

Depending on the nature of a given conflict, the consequences can be seriously costly, and not just in terms of dollars.  For instance, conflicts in business and the workplace can cost significant time, money and productivity, and employee engagement.

When conflict reaches the point where lawyers are hired, financial costs can skyrocket.  And it’s not just lawyers’ fees that add up.  Steep settlements can eat into a company’s profits.

In our personal lives, it can cost important relationships and even our health.  This article explains how we can become more susceptible to illnesses, chronic pain, and depression as a result of conflict.

Conflicts can arise with anyone – with those we have relationships with, like spouses and family members, or in the workplace or between business leaders.

Many Types of Mediation

Mediation can be used to resolve a wide variety of interpersonal conflicts.  Specific types of mediation include the following:

1.   Family mediation.  Emotions often run high in families. And family dynamics often play a key role in how family members relate to one another.  Family mediation can help to can bring loved ones together rather than tear them further apart.

2.   Marital Mediation.  For couples experiencing difficulties in their marriage, marital mediation helps them understand the source of conflict and see a positive future for the marriage.  Very often, lack of communication or poor communication is the root cause of why marriages break up.  Through marital mediation, couples can learn the skills essential for successful marriages.  To find out more, click here.

3.   Divorce Mediation.  Divorcing spouses often use mediation to resolve such matters as child custody, child support, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts so that a divorce agreement can be drafted and signed.  To find out more, click here.

4.   Workplace Mediation.  Mediation can be used to resolve interpersonal disputes in the work environment.  These can include, for example, manager/staff difficulties; difficulties arising from organizational change, or allegations of harassment or bullying.

5.   Business and Shareholder Dispute Mediation.  Emotionally charged conflicts between shareholders, LLC members, or partners are common because much is often invested in the business relationship.  And businesses are increasingly mediating complex business disputes before filing a lawsuit.

Business disputes can involve claims of breach of fiduciary duty, conflicts over buyout terms, executive compensation, and rights to company dividends.  And business attorneys are ethically precluded from handling conflicts between individual business owners because they represent the company as a whole.  Mediation can also be used to resolve supplier disputes, for example, related to defective products or services.

6.   Family Business Mediation.  Family businesses often involve unique challenges and potential for conflict.  Disputes can arise over the control or operation of the business, family alliances and sibling rivalries, or friction when it comes to promotions and succession.  When conflict in family business escalates, family members can find themselves questioning whether the health of both business and family can be maintained.  Family business mediation can help family business members to take charge of conflict and experience peace of mind and increased productivity.

The above are just some examples of the many often overlooked conflicts mediation can resolve.  And it’s important to select the right mediator with the experience and skillsets needed.

In any event, whenever you are experiencing the many negative consequences of unresolved conflict, consider mediation to bring creativity and peace to your important relationships.

Don’t find fault, find a remedy.–Henry Ford

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Three Tips to Successfully Sidestep Family Drama this Holiday Season

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, you might expect to spend more time with family.  And with certain family members, it might be more time than you’d prefer.

While the holidays are often portrayed in the media as a joyous time lovingly shared with close-knit families, reality can be anything but.  There are the obligatory family gatherings with all the usual suspects.  They might include The Political Ranter, The Drama Queen (or King), The Gossiper, or Mr. or Mrs. No-Filter.

And when you mix in freely flowing alcoholic beverages to the party… yikes!  The 3 tips below can help you successfully sidestep family drama this holiday season.

1.          Accept what (or who) you cannot change.

It’s important not to hold difficult family members to the same standards you have.  After all, if they acted the way you feel they should, they wouldn’t be “difficult.”  Instead, let go of any expectations you have that they will act differently.

2.         Change the things you can.

As much as we may want certain family members to be different than they are, they simply won’t change.  But fortunately, we can change how we see them.  So, instead of focusing on how annoying your brother is when he takes his inevitable jabs at you, think of the qualities you like about him.   Likewise, before your next family gathering, set an intention to enjoy the holiday and expect positive family interactions.

3.          Don’t Engage.

Every one of us wants and needs to feel heard and appreciated.  But not everyone knows how to express themselves in positive ways.  If a family member makes a snide remark at you, for example, recognize that lashing back defensively is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Instead, it often helps to stop, say nothing, and take two or three deep, slow breaths.  Once you’ve calmed down, you can offer up a rational response.  For instance, one way to neutralize someone’s angry remark is with “I hear you.”

I’m not saying it will be easy.  But with focus and practice, it will become a habit.  At the same time, focus your energies on family members who love and respect you and want to be with you.  Ultimately, with patience, practice, and focus, your holiday family gatherings can become peaceful and relaxing occasions to look forward to.

To learn more about how to improve your family relationships with family mediation or family coaching, contact us or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.  In the meantime, sign up to subscribe to our newsletter of weekly blog posts and you’ll never miss a post.

Three Ways to Decide Custody and Parenting Time in Your New Jersey Divorce

If you have kids and are separated from your spouse or considering divorce, this post is for you.   Generally, before resolving the finances of your divorce, such as alimony or division of marital assets, custody and parenting time arrangements will need to be made for your children.  These arrangements are typically finalized in a written legal document obtained in the following 3 ways.

1.          Mutual agreement

In New Jersey, the vast majority of divorcing parents enter into a written agreement with respect to custody and parenting time without going to court. And it’s generally much better for children when divorcing parents agree on these arrangements without involving the court.  It’s also generally far less expensive.

Ideally, you and your spouse can agree directly on custody and parenting time for your kids.  Generally, at a minimum, decisions typically include: (1) where your kids will physically reside more than 50% of the time; (2) how you will each share parenting time with the children (including holidays and vacations); and (3) how you will share major decisions for the children’s health, education, and general welfare.  For more details, check out this post.

The lawyer representing you or your spouse can simply draft a custody and parenting time agreement that you both sign.  The signed agreement can simply be attached and incorporated into your divorce agreement.

2.          Custody and parenting time mediation

Generally, one spouse initiates a divorce action by filing a Complaint for Divorce with the court and the other spouse files an “Answer.”  Thereafter, the court will typically schedule you and your spouse to attend custody and parenting time mediation together with the court mediator.   Both spouses meet with the court mediator at that time.  The mediator helps you agree on significant matters relating to the custody and parenting time of your child.

These matters typically include how major decisions will be made regarding the child’s health, education, and general welfare; where the child will primarily reside; parenting time schedule,  including holidays and vacations;  and how any future custody and parenting time disagreements will be resolved.

If you and your spouse reach agreement in custody and parenting time mediation, the court mediator typically drafts a Memorandum of Understanding (“MOU”).  An MOU is a written non-binding agreement.

The mediator typically sends the MOU to each lawyer to review.  If there are no changes, MOU is typically forwarded to the assigned judge to enter it as a court order.

Sometimes, however, your lawyer might advise additional provisions in the MOU before making it binding.  These might include, for instance, parent authorizations for any illnesses or accidents, surgery, hospitalization, or summer camp; parents’ presence at school and other events and activities; parenting time during school breaks; or how to address when significant others enter the picture.

When you and your spouse agree on any such revisions, either lawyer might draft a legal document called a “Consent Order.”  This is typically signed by both spouses and lawyers and sent to the court and entered as a binding court order.

3.          Custody and parenting time decided by the court

If you and your spouse are unable to reach a custody and parenting time agreement in mediation or with the help of attorneys, the court will generally designate a forensic psychologist to undertake an extensive child custody evaluation.  This process is generally far more time consuming and costly.  Perhaps most importantly, children are much more likely to experience adverse emotional difficulties.

The child custody evaluation generally involves psychological testing of each parent, multiple interviews with each parent separately and with the child and any additional relevant interviews or documentation.

The child custody evaluator will typically generate a report to the judge hearing the case. This report will include all of their findings and recommendations regarding how custody should be awarded.

In the event of a custody trial, the Court will determine a custodial arrangement based on “the best interests of the child.”  In determining the custodial arrangement in the child’s best interests, the Court must consider a variety of factors enumerated by New Jersey law, which you can find here.

Conclusion

Out-of-court custody and parenting time agreements are generally the far better option than deferring to the Court.  In general, not only are the financial and emotional costs significantly reduced, as parents, you and your spouse are best suited to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangements for your kids.

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How Much Child Support Can You Expect to Pay In Your New Jersey Divorce?

Divorced parents in New Jersey are legally obligated to financially support their children until emancipation.   A child is most commonly deemed emancipated upon age 19 or completion of a full-time college education.

So if you’re separated or divorcing from your spouse, how much child support can you expect to pay in New Jersey?

The amount of child support is generally calculated once you and your spouse agree on a custody and parenting time arrangement.  The arrangement should outline at a minimum (1) the number of overnights the children will spend with each parent and (2) which parent will have primary residential custody the children.

So generally, if you’re the “noncustodial parent,” you could expect to pay child support for your children to your former spouse.

What is your child support amount based on?

The state of New Jersey developed the “New Jersey Child Support Guidelines” to ensure that divorced parents share the financial and healthcare responsibilities of raising their children.

What is included as “income” for calculating child support?

Each parent’s total income from all sources is used. Total income includes a variety of sources, including employment income, overtime, bonuses, tips, and commissions.

Taxes and other specific deductions are then subtracted from each parent’s total income.  Both parents’ net income is then added together.  The child support guidelines use the parents’ combined net income to calculate the amount of child support to be paid based on the number of children.  Each parent contributes to the child support amount in proportion to their respective percentage share of combined net parental income.

How do your current child expenses affect your child support amount?

• Parenting Time

The number of overnights that each parent spends with the children is converted to a percentage.  This percentage is then applied to each parent’s proportional share of the above child support amount.

This is because generally, the more overnight parenting time a parent spends with the children, the greater the amount of expenses that parent is presumed to be paying for the children’s expenses while the children are with the parent.

• Medical Insurance Premium

Whichever parent provides the health insurance for the children is generally entitled to a “credit” for how much that parent pays for the child’s share of the health insurance premium.

How is the child support amount calculated for higher-income families?

For parents whose combined net income exceeds the Guidelines threshold of $187,200 per year ($3,600 per week), New Jersey law requires that child support be calculated to account for the greater financial resources available and the higher expenditures typically made in higher-income families.

Therefore, for such higher-income families, a base child support amount is determined using the Guidelines formula.  That base amount is then supplemented with an additional support amount based on the remaining family income, the children’s needs, and certain other statutory factors.  Private elementary or high school and extracurricular expenses are examples of such expenses.

Which child expenses does your child support payment cover?

Child support payments cover specific types of expenses incurred by the primary residential parent.  To found out which expenses are covered by child support, take a look at this post.

How can you calculate your child support amount under the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines?

Your lawyer can calculate the appropriate child support amount by using specialized software available to attorneys and court staff.  Or you can access a New Jersey child support calculator offered on the New Jersey child support website here:

But calculating your child support amount is typically not straightforward.  Essentially all components that go into calculating your child support  – which might include income for you and/or your spouse, parenting time, health insurance, includable child expenses, or daycare costs – are subject to interpretation.  Therefore, it’s your lawyer’s job to advise you and advocate on your behalf when negotiating with your spouse or the other lawyer to obtain the best result for you and your children.

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Four Key Ways to Save the Family Business from Sibling Squabbles

 

Surprisingly, according to a recent study in psychology today, one-third of adults have distant or contentious relationships with their siblings.

When two or more siblings work in the family business, hostilities from old sibling rivalries can jeopardize the very survival of the business in the wake of the founder’s impending retirement or death.

What causes sibling rivalries in the first place?

Oftentimes, siblings receive unequal treatment or affection from one or both parents while growing up.   Or parents and other relatives label each child, perhaps as the smart one or the friendly one.  As a result, siblings can learn from a very young age they need to compete for their parents’ attention or live with the labels imposed on them.

Such struggles often continue into adulthood and can become intensified when the family runs a business together.  Here are 4 key ways to improve harmony between siblings and preserve the family business.

1.          Work outside the family business.

Working outside the family business often helps younger generations gain outside exposure to alternative business techniques.  But the primary benefit can be to foster each sibling’s confidence and maturity and help them each build a personal foundation for success.

2.          Play to each sibling’s strengths.

Ideally, running the family business should be shared, not divided.  This is best achieved by recognizing what each sibling is particularly good at and assigning roles accordingly.

Brothers Walt and Roy Disney are a perfect example.  Walt was the dreamer and visionary for Disney.  His older brother Roy was the detail-oriented businessman with the financial acumen to achieve the company’s vision.  This successful collaboration resulted in the empire that Disney is today.

3.          Communicate freely and often.

Be sure to communicate all expectations upfront and put it in writing.  It’s important for siblings to treat each other as they would a non-family business partner.  For instance, by not taking your sibling for granted or assuming you can each read each other’s minds.

Likewise, consult each other on key decisions that affect the daily and long-term planning of the family business.  In doing so, each sibling brings his or her unique skills and abilities to the table for a successful family business.

4.          Mediate financial risk-based conflicts.

Sibling conflicts can also arise when each sibling has different ideas about how the business should be run or how key decisions should be made.  For example, one brother might see an opportunity to diversify the business through acquisition, while the other enjoys the stability that the business has achieved.  In these cases, business meetings with a neutral mediator or essential for finding an optimal strategic solution.

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Save Big on Divorce Lawyer Fees with this Eight-Step Do-It-Yourself Divorce Plan

The key to getting a Judgment of Divorce from the court is for both you and your spouse to first sign a divorce agreement, commonly called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Marital Settlement Agreement resolves all issues relating to your marriage.  These typically include child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of the marital assets and debts.

If you and your spouse are both committed to settling your divorce between yourselves (preferably with legal advice for each of you), here’s a general 8-step divorce plan that can save you big on divorce lawyer fees.

1.     Agree about the Kids.

Draft up a written custody and parenting time agreement for your children.  You can use this form as a guide.

2.     Inventory the Marital Assets and Debts

Make a joint list or spreadsheet of all marital assets and debts owned in either or both your names.  For the assets, include real property, bank accounts, investment accounts,  and all pension or retirement accounts (IRAs, 401ks,  pension and/or profit-sharing plans, annuities).  For any accounts in one spouse’s name, it’s generally a good idea to exchange account statements for the last three years or so to identify additional sources of income and any large withdrawals.  Also include personal property, such as furniture, art, and jewelry.

Significantly, if there are any businesses, or premarital, partially premarital, inherited, or other more complex assets, you should consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer about how such assets are treated under New Jersey law and to protect your interests.

For the marital debts,  it’s generally a good idea for each of you to obtain a current credit report that will list the outstanding debts in each of your names.  These typically include mortgages, home equity lines of credit, and outstanding credit card balances.  Include the current approximate values and balances for each asset and debt.

3.     Gather Insurance Policies

Make a joint list of all health insurance policies, health savings accounts, life insurance policies, and safe deposit box contents.

4.     Calculate the Marital Income.

Make a separate list or spreadsheet for joint marital income.   Separate the list into two columns, one for each spouse.   Identify all sources and amounts of income for each of you.   Have each column totaled.

If there is any employment compensation involving bonuses, commissions, stock options or other incentive compensation,  be sure and consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer as to how such compensation is valued and divided under New Jersey law.

5.     Calculate Your Expenses.

On the income spreadsheet above, list and total each type and amount of all current expenses for each of you.   Include expenses for the children and college costs, if being paid.  Make sure all expenses are accurate.

6.     What Does the Future Hold?

Identify what you would each like your post-divorce financial life to look like.  For example,  does one of you want to keep the marital home?  Do you want to sell the home and/or other real property and each purchase separate residences?  How much do each of you want to have saved in retirement?   Use your goals to list anticipated post-divorce expenses, including future college costs, if any.

7.     What Will You Need?

Ideally, have a financial or tax advisor for each of you run a cash flow analysis for each spouse.   The cash flow analysis will incorporate your income, assets, debts, and expenses so that you can each get an idea as to which settlement scenarios would work best to achieve what you each want after the divorce.  The cash flow analysis would also account for tax consequences with respect to income and assets.

8.     Your Lawyer’s Role

Many separated or divorcing couples approach lawyers without any prior planning.  As a result, they leave it up to the divorce lawyers to do all work, which they’re more than happy to do, charging you big fees along the way.

By doing the legwork yourself and sharing your divorce plan with each lawyer, you use your lawyer strategically and cost-effectively.  For instance, you and your spouse should each consult with separate attorneys to make sure you don’t overlook anything significant and to advise you on alimony and other applicable New Jersey laws.

Your lawyers can also help generate settlement options and conduct strategic negotiations on your behalf.  Ultimately, the lawyers will draft the formal Marital Settlement Agreement and file the legal documents with the court required to obtain your Judgment of Divorce.

Not only can you save big on divorce lawyer fees, but you will also be in charge of your own future and the future of your kids.

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How Marital Mediation Can Help Save Your Marriage

It’s not uncommon for couples to struggle in bad marriages, often for many years.  In such instances, while the marriage might not be good or even healthy, it’s not quite bad enough for divorce.

Some couples consider getting help with marriage counseling.  What many don’t know, however, is there’s an alternative that can save your marriage.

It’s called marital mediation, where couples work together with a trained mediator.  The mediator uses proven conflict resolution techniques to identify sources of conflict and open up and improve communication.  As a result, couples learn to use new techniques to identify and productively address conflict in their own marriage.

How Marital Mediation Can Help You

Very often, lack of communication or poor communication are the root causes of why marriages break up.  Fortunately, these skills essential for successful marriages can be taught and learned.  Marital mediation helps couples understand the source of conflict and to see a positive future for the marriage.

Other times, problems arise in a marriage as the result of difficult events, such as job loss, serious illness, or infidelity.  Marital mediation can help spouses work together as a team with greater understanding.

Divorce mediation uses many of the same conflict resolution strategies as marital mediation.  Ironically, spouses in divorce mediation will often comment that if they knew what they learned about conflict resolution in their divorce mediation while they were married, they might not have divorced.

How Does Marital Mediation Differ from Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling is practiced by a mental health professional who uses therapeutic analysis and insights.   In contrast, marital mediation is conducted by a mediator and uses conflict resolution techniques rather than therapeutic techniques.

For more information or to find out if marital mediation is right for you, please click here.  Or feel free to call or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

 

Can You Avoid Getting Lawyers Involved in Your Divorce?

Divorce lawyers – could easily be one of the most hated groups of individuals out there (second only perhaps to “lawyers” in general…)

So, it’s no wonder many separated or divorcing spouses are reluctant to get lawyers involved.  And I get it – many divorce and family lawyers are overpriced and needlessly aggressive.

There are certainly plenty of horror stories involving long, drawn, out, painful and astronomically expensive divorces.  And in the media, there’s no shortage of news involving crooked lawyers.  Not to mention TV shows and movies starring especially sleazy-looking divorce lawyers (greased back hair and all…)

Naturally, if you’re separated or considering divorce, you might want to avoid divorce lawyers at all costs  (no pun intended…).  Perhaps you prefer to try and work out a divorce agreement on your own or head to mediation (check out this article on to tell if divorce mediation is right for you).

The truth is, when it comes to choosing any professional, whether doctor or surgeon, accountant, plumber, contractor or anyone else, including a lawyer, there are good ones and there are bad ones.  The good ones will truly help you and get you to a better place.  But the bad ones can make your life a living hell.

The same is true with divorce lawyers.  And unfortunately, it’s far more often the bad experiences we hear about.  So, when choosing a lawyer to handle your divorce, it’s important to choose wisely.

Because even if you prefer to work things out between you and your spouse, it’s important not to overlook key issues and provisions that can land you in court after the divorce.  The most commonly overlooked areas generally involve alimony, child support, and college expenses.

By the same token, when it comes to things like amount and duration of alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you’ll need to defer to New Jersey law to determine what’s fair.

And overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, it can often require costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

It can be far more expensive to pay an attorney to try and fix a bad divorce judgment after the fact than to have a competent family lawyer in your corner in the first place.

Hiring the right divorce and family lawyer can give you the peace of mind that your divorce is being properly handled from the start so you can avoid costly mistakes you can regret for the rest of your life.

Also, a competent divorce and family lawyer can draft up your divorce agreement in the proper legal form so that it’s properly incorporated when the court enters your divorce judgment.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

 

Four Actions to Take Now to Protect Your Family Business in Divorce

If you own a family business with other family members, this article gives you 4 ways to protect the family business if one family member-owner were to get a divorce.

In New Jersey, the spouse of a family business owner could acquire ownership rights in the business simply by being married.  Therefore, the time to protect your family business is now.  Because once the divorce papers are filed, it could be too late, risking the profitability and future successful operation of the business.  Below are 4 important actions to take now to protect the family business:

1.        Put it in writing.

The shareholders’ or similar family business agreement should clearly set forth each family member’s specific or percentage share in the business.

Significantly, your family business agreements should also include a provision that addresses the interest, if any, those non-owner spouses have in the business and what happens to stock or ownership interests in the event of divorce.

Ideally, family business agreements would require all owners to obtain their non-owner spouses’ written agreement to be bound by such provisions.  These are often called Agreements to be Bound.

2.        Put it in writing again.

Where an Agreement to be Bound is not feasible or insufficient, consider a prenuptial agreement that provides for the waiver by the spouse of an interest in the family business.

Alternatively, consult with a reputable business and estate planning lawyer to consider whether an estate planning device, such as a trust, would be more effective.

It’s important that your business lawyer works with your divorce and family lawyer so that all legal requirements are met and to ensure your family business is sufficiently protected.

 3.        Limit the non-owner spouse’s role.

It’s generally best for non-owner spouses not to be involved in the operation of the family business.  This can help defeat the spouse’s claim to have contributed to the profits of the business and receive a greater share in the business.

4.        Keep it confidential.

Most divorces in New Jersey are settled by way of a divorce agreement (typically referred to as a “Marital Settlement Agreement”).  Significantly, Marital Settlement Agreements are considered public records.

Therefore, to the extent the Marital Settlement Agreement identifies the value of the family business, names of officers, and additional confidential business details, a confidentiality provision should be included.

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Three Things No One Tells You About Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation is when you and your spouse enlist a neutral third party to help you agree on things like child custody, parenting time with your children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.  Divorce mediation is voluntary, so either you or your spouse can withdraw at any time.

And divorce mediation can often save you money on lawyer fees.  Because once a divorce complaint is filed with the court, you often have to comply with court-mandated timelines and appear for mandatory court settlement conferences, which your lawyer will charge for.

But before deciding if divorce mediation is right for you, here are 3 things you need to know first that no one tells you.

1.        In most cases, you’ll still need a lawyer.

I often hear people tell me, “we want to avoid lawyers and keep things amicable by going to mediation.”  And that’s partly true.  Divorce mediation can definitely help keep things amicable.  And most lawyers generally charge much less if you come to them with a mediated agreement.  But agreements reached in divorce mediation generally are not legally binding.

Instead, the divorce mediator typically draws up a document called a “Memorandum of Understanding.” You take that to your lawyer to draft up the legally binding agreement called a “Marital Settlement Agreement” and file the required legal documents with the court to enter your divorce.  Importantly, your lawyer can also suggest certain provisions in the Marital Settlement Agreement to protect you and keep you out of court after the divorce.

2.        Divorce mediators cannot give legal advice to either you or your spouse.

Only a lawyer can give you legal advice about how your decisions in divorce mediation will affect you.  Your lawyer can also advise you during mediation so you can make informed decisions that impact your legal rights and obligations.

3.        Divorce mediation can be a waste of time and money if both spouses don’t have similar knowledge about the marital finances.

It’s common in many marriages for one spouse to know more about the marital finances than the other.  But in divorce mediation, you’ll both be making decisions about such things as how to divide the marital assets and how much alimony or child support, if any, is appropriate.

So, unless you and your spouse are both relatively familiar with the incomes, assets, and debts of the marriage, or you have joint bank accounts or other assets in joint names, divorce mediation may not be productive – or even worthwhile.

The exception is where the spouse with the greater knowledge, access, or earnings will be completely transparent and forthcoming in disclosing all assets and financial statements.

This is more likely to happen when both spouses (1) have accepted the divorce is going to happen, (2) are able to make the necessary commitment to reaching an agreement; (3) are each willing to try to see the other’s perspective, and (4) are able to focus on achieving their most important goals while letting go of some of the less significant issues.

Admittedly, none of this will be easy, but it will be worth it when you, instead of the court, are in charge of the decisions for your children and your financial future.

To find out more about how you can benefit from divorce mediation, please call or click here to schedule a personalized consultation or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

The Secret to Successful Family Business Negotiations

Family members in business together often engage in negotiations that vary from negotiations between family members and other employees to those with customers, vendors, or investors.

And the stakes can run high in terms of risk of the number of dollars or even the future of the family business.  So how can you, as a family business owner, best position yourself for success in your next negotiation?

You might simply remember two words – Be Prepared.  In the words of Benjamin Franklin, “By failing to prepare, you’re preparing to fail.”

The best negotiators are the ones best prepared.  They have a plan for the negotiation before it even starts.  And the more you know, the better prepared you will be.

Below is a simple checklist to up your game in your next family business negotiation and show up prepared for success.

1. What do I ultimately want to achieve in this negotiation?

List your goals and rank them in order of importance.  Identify which goal would be ideal to achieve.  Set your aspiration goals high (though realistic) and you’re more likely to get a better deal.

Notice this requires more than just having a goal to get the best deal possible because the other side will want that too.

2. What is my best alternative to reaching a deal in this negotiation?

Identify your best option if you were to walk away from this deal.  This is referred to as your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement).

Or you can call it your Plan B.  When negotiating with other family members, however, it’s important to consider the value of the family relationship when identifying your best alternative.  For example, choosing a non-family member over your daughter for a key executive position might be your best alternative, but not if it comes with a price tag of alienating your daughter.

3. How much time do we have for negotiations?

Are there any deadlines looming?

4. What do I have that the other side needs?

This might be your authority or expertise, for example.

5. What is my absolute bottom line?

This is the point where you would rather walk away than agree.

6. What are the other side’s interests?

Specifically, when negotiating with other family members, be attuned to any underlying jealously or competition that can arise from longstanding resentment.

Also, how important might each interest be to them?  For example, one family member might have a key interest in keeping the peace while another, not so much.

For any business negotiation, it’s often valuable to do some homework by perhaps searching online or asking trusted colleagues with knowledge about your counterpart’s business or industry.

7. How might my past relationship with the other party affect this negotiation?

Address any underlying family tensions right away.  Otherwise, any underlying resentment can easily spill over into negotiations and kill a potential deal.

It can often be helpful to bring in a mediator as a neutral third party to manage and isolate underlying emotions and facilitate an optimal deal for all parties.

8. What objective criteria or precedent supports my preferred position?

Objective criteria refer to a fair, independent standard.  Ideally, objective criteria such as market value, expert opinion, or standard industry practice should be agreed upon by all parties at the outset of the negotiation.

9. Do we need to involve any third parties?

In a potential sale of the family business or one member’s interest, for example, you might need an accountant to calculate values.  You can also call in a family business mediator to keep you out of court.

The above is part of this complete checklist posted by the Program on Negotiation at Harvard law school.

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What You Wish You Knew Before Going to Family Court

All too often, separated and divorced spouses find themselves steeped in legal fees that can range well into the tens of thousands of dollars with no end in sight.

And even then, They’re often no closer to a divorce or a post-divorce court decision (on terminating alimony, modifying child support and/or paying for college or other child expenses).

If you’re separated or divorced ( or even involved in a civil or commercial case) and want to avoid a costly legal battle, this article will tell you what you need to know first.

The Real Costs of Going to Court

As a practicing lawyer for over 25 years, I’ve seen there’s much no one will tell you (including many lawyers) about what you will pay for when you go to family court until it’s too late.  After credit cards and other debts have been run up to pay for mounting legal fees.  Certainly, that money could be much better used towards your kids’ college or retirement.

For starters, there’s the complaint and answer to be filed with the court.  There might also be pretrial motions if certain custody or financial issues are not resolved by settlement.

There are often discovery demands for piles of financial and other documents, subpoenas and reviewing all the documents.  I’ve often received huge discovery demands from other lawyers generated from “standard” templates when all that’s really necessary is knowing what we need to find out and what’s the best quickest least costly way to get it.

After discovery,  there are often mandatory court appearances for settlement conferences ( which can last much of the day).   If a trial date is set, the lawyers would have much work to do for which they’d need to be paid. This includes preparing trial memos, pre-marking extensive documents in triplicate in trial binders, and spending hours preparing testimony.

There’s also the likelihood of trial dates being scheduled intermittently over the course of several months, and the attorneys might need to order transcripts to refresh their memory of where and how the trial left off.  And there’s no telling how a particular judge would ultimately decide.

Unfortunately, the fees for the court process are generally not related to what you want to achieve.  Likewise, they don’t justify the outcome to be attained.  Especially when the vast majority of cases are ultimately settled out of court.

What You Can Do Instead

Going to court should only be a last resort.   Therefore, it’s essential to choose a lawyer who shares your desire to stay out of court.  A lawyer who has the necessary skills and experience to successfully settle your case.

Consider Mediation

A good mediator can also save much on legal fees and help you successfully settle out of court.  For more information on how mediation works, check out this post.

Have more questions?  Click here or simply call.  I’m happy to help!  Or share this post with others who might find it helpful. 

The Secret to Successfully Reaching Agreements and Getting What You Want

Conflicts and disputes are a way of life.  We simply can’t avoid them.  Especially with the people closest to us like family, friends, and coworkers.

So, when disputes inevitably arise, how can we resolve them while maintaining our important relationships?

For ex-spouses with children, it’s particularly important for the children’s well-being to reach successful agreements in the face of emotionally driven conflict.

And legal fees can run sky high when parents end up in court.  As a settlement-focused lawyer, my end game is to bring people together with successful agreements and keep them out of costly litigation.  One recent case, in particular, reveals this secret to successfully reaching agreements and get what you want.

When my client first came to see me (I’ll call her Sarah), she was at her wits’ end.  Her ex-husband, Rob, refused to help pay for college for their 18-year-old daughter, Amy.  According to Sarah, Rob claimed he was already paying child support.  And he gave Sarah a hard time about even that nominal amount that barely covered Amy’s expenses.

In New Jersey, divorced parents are legally obligated to contribute to their children’s college education costs, Sarah’s divorce agreement neglected to provide how college costs for their daughter would be paid.

Sarah explained that Rob owned and operated a successful chain of local restaurants, while their daughter had to miss out on attending the four-year out-of-state college she really wanted.  Amy had just started her first semester at the local county community college.  Sarah had paid for all of Amy’s standardized test preparation courses, private tutoring instruction and county college tuition, and books and school supplies for the first semester.

Sarah was livid.  She and Rob had largely been estranged since their bitter divorce 10 years ago.  And she was convinced he was the same selfish self-centered man who chose to spend his money on girlfriends and luxury cars instead of on his daughter.

Sarah wanted me to file a motion with the court and ask that Rob be compelled to contribute to their daughter’s college costs.  She hoped that if she was successful, Amy would be able to transfer to the four-year out of state college where she’d been previously been accepted.

I explained to Sarah that filing a motion could easily cost tens of thousands of dollars.  And there was no telling how a judge would decide.  More than likely, the court would order extensive exchange of financial documentation and a hearing with testimony before making a decision.

So, Sarah and I talked about how she and Rob might be able to come to an agreement out of court.  She insisted there was no talking to Rob.  According to Sarah, he does what he wants when he wants and refuses to listen to her,  even when it came to their daughter.  With Sarah’s permission, however, I reached out to Rob.  He chose not to hire his own lawyer and spoke with me directly.

I was committed to reaching a favorable out of court settlement for Sarah.  So, I listened to Rob and viewed things from his perspective.  He couldn’t understand why Sarah accused him of not supporting their daughter.  He explained that he had bought Amy a new car, but Sarah forced him to return it because Amy had  Sarah’s car to drive.  He’d also bought Amy a new MacBook and iPhone and paid for expensive acting classes in the city she wanted.

Yet Rob learned from Amy that Sarah  often referred to him as “The deadbeat.”  Rob hadn’t seen Amy in months and rarely spoke with her.  He blamed Sarah for the poor relationship he had with his daughter.  According to Rob,  he got “no respect or appreciation.”  As he put it, “whenever I try to do anything for my daughter, I get punched in the nose.”

Despite what Sarah said, he added, he wanted his daughter to have a good college education.  Especially since he didn’t have the chance to go to college.  But he felt repeatedly shut out by Sarah who single-handedly made all the decisions when it came to their daughter’s education.  It was clear from speaking with Rob that he loved his daughter and cared very much about her.

Even though I’d made it clear to Rob that I represented Sarah, by listening to him and validating his frustrations, I was able to gain his trust.  I encouraged Sarah to follow suit.  I coached her on how she might give Rob the respect and appreciation he was clearly looking for.  Not so much for Rob,  but for herself, and most importantly for their daughter.

Sarah began to encourage Amy to call and see her father.  She also invited him to visit the college that Amy wanted to attend.   Ultimately, Rob agreed to pay all college expenses at the four-year school where Amy had been accepted.  He also agreed to reimburse Sarah for the college expenses she’d paid so far. And Rob’s relationship with his daughter improved to the point where they were speaking and seeing each other regularly.

So, the secret to successfully reaching agreements and getting what you want?  Give the other person what they need and in turn, you will get what you need.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it when you get out from under crushing resentment and enjoy closer, more rewarding relationships.

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Dating while Separated? What You Need to Know First…

You’ve decided to get a divorce.  You’re starting to think about moving on.  You might start noticing other people and begin to think about dating.  Before taking that step, however, you need to know the potential consequences on the divorce.

There is no “legal separation” in New Jersey.

Unlike some other states, New Jersey law does not recognize “legal separation.”  So, even though you might be separated, you’re still legally married until the court enters a Judgment of Divorce.

Potential legal pitfalls

If you’re separated from your spouse, before dating, consider these 3 potential adverse legal consequences on the divorce.

1.     Increased legal fees

Once you start dating, your spouse might become jealous or resentful.   This can decrease your chances of reaching an amicable divorce agreement and significantly increase the cost of legal fees in divorce.

2.     Effect on parenting time

The character of dating partners you might bring in contact with your children could negatively impact parenting time arrangements.   For instance,  if a dating partner poses an unreasonable risk of physical or emotional harm to the children, your spouse could make an application to the court to restrict that dating partner around the children.

3.     Potential consequences for alimony

Dating while separated could adversely affect your legal right to receive post-divorce alimony from your spouse.  Specifically, under current New Jersey alimony law, you might not be entitled to receive alimony if you are “cohabitating” with a significant other.  Significantly, a couple does not need to be living together on a full-time basis to be considered “cohabitating.”  For more on alimony and cohabitation in New Jersey, read this post.

Before you decide to start dating

Here are two things to do before actively seeking out new dating partners while separated:

1.          Make sure it’s really over.

Before dating, be sure you really want to end the marriage.  If you think you might want to reconcile, have a meaningful talk with your spouse.  And if you and your spouse are in counseling together, it’s generally best not to date others until you’ve come to a final decision about the marriage.

2.          What’s motivating you?

It’s common to feel hurt or angry when you’re separated.  You might ask yourself why you want to start dating again.  Be sure you’re not looking to date to fill a void left by the loss of the marriage or to hurt your spouse.  You could make matters worse by jumping too quickly into a rebound relationship.

If you decide to start dating 

Below are some general guidelines if you do decide to start dating while separated:

Use discretion.

If your spouse is having difficulty dealing with the divorce, it’s probably a good idea not to publicize your dating life.  Again, this could negatively affect the chances of reaching an amicable divorce agreement and add to legal fees.

How will your children react?

Separation and divorce are significant changes in any child’s life.   Regardless of age, children are likely to resist their parents dating soon after a separation.  Children typically need time to absorb, digest, and eventually adjust to such a major change in their family life.  It’s important to freely allow children to voice their concerns and emotions.  For more about when to introduce a new dating partner to your children, read this post.

Bottom line?   Before you start dating, consult with a New Jersey divorce lawyer to find out the potential implications and your options.  Click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

How to Win an Argument – and Save Your Relationship

It’s inevitable.  You find yourself in the midst of an argument with a loved one or other important relationship.  A typical argument with your spouse might go something like this.

You get home after a trying day of work.  You look forward to plopping yourself on the couch to unwind.  But instead, your spouse comes at you with “you forgot to take out the garbage again last night.  With all I have to do around here, the last thing I need is to take over anything else. You had ONE JOB.  Good thing I thought to check this morning.  I had to waste my time rushing around and do it before the garbage man came. YOU’RE WELCOME!”

Or perhaps your mother left you a voicemail a few days ago.  She wanted to know how your son’s school play went.  You finally sit down to call her back.  Only to hear “you’re impossible to get a hold of!  You NEVER call back – how am I supposed to find out how my grandchildren are doing??  You could try calling me once in a while.”  

Yikes!  What to do next? (Besides head for the hills…)

First and foremost, be aware that lashing back defensively in any argument would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.  The ability to stay calm in the face of a verbal attack does not come naturally to us.  But fortunately, it’s a skill that can be learned.  And it can save your relationship – with your spouse, child, parent, or close friend.

When we are attacked verbally, our brain reacts the same as if there is a gun pointed at us.   According to this article published in The Science Explorer, we immediately dive into a “fight-or-flight” state.  Our brain secretes hormones, including cortisol and adrenaline, that instruct your nervous system to prepare your body for drastic measures — breath shortens, blood flows the muscles, and peripheral vision disappears.  This fight-or-flight reaction can literally “hijack” your voice of reason.  It’s in this state (otherwise known as losing your sh*t), you’re likely to blurt out things you might later regret.

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, I’ve seen many divorces result from spouses interacting with one another like this for an extended period of time.  Over time, resentment builds up until one or both spouses can’t stand being together any longer.  Here’s how to win an argument without raising your voice by keeping your cool.

Look at what’s really going on.

It usually helps to remember that people spouting off generally don’t mean what they’re actually saying.  They’re just upset.   According to attorney and mediator in Clovis, California, Doug Noll, “the number 1 best way to not become triggered is to ignore the words.  No matter how insulting, disrespectful, or threatening the other person is, ignore what they are saying.”

Ironically, when your spouse or someone in an important relationship with you launches into a verbal attack, what they really want is more of your attention.  According to Suzette Haden Elgin, author of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, verbal attackers are “like little kids desperate for attention and know that throwing hostile language at you will get your attention.”

This actually makes sense.  For instance, notice the times when our spouse typically picks a fight with you.  Is it often at times you haven’t been home lately or have been preoccupied?  Once you see what’s really going on, next time you find yourself a target, you can consciously summon up compassion by noting the desperation for attention and that this is the best the person can do right now.

Figure out what sets you off.

We all have what psychologists call emotional “triggers.”  Triggers are strong negative emotions that activate our flight or fight response.  They are unique to each person.  For example, when feeling left out or being ignored.  Knowing what sets you off will give you a leg up in an argument and help you keep your cool.

Another tip I’ve personally found extremely effective in short-circuiting the fight-or-flight response.  Practice simply observing your thoughts and feelings as if you were an outside observer.  Chances are your emotional reaction will quickly dissipate.

Pause and breathe.

Stop and say nothing and take two or three deep, slow breaths.  This sends a signal to your body that a fight-or-flight reaction is not necessary.  Change your body language position to neutral or friendly.  The physical change also helps calm the emotional reaction.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to such emotional triggers in the future.  I’ve personally experienced this myself.

Choose your words.

It’s important to never tell the other person to calm down. Instead, focus on speaking calmly.  Staying calm makes it more likely the other person will calm down as well.

If you jump in to correct the person or argue your case, they’ll only dig in more that they’re right.  Instead, you can neutralize an angry tirade with something like “I hear you” or “I can certainly understand that.”  Follow up with “and” not “but” – anything that comes after the “but” will be all they hear.   For example, you might say “I hear you and I want to make sure I hear you correctly.”

If you need to interrupt a particularly long-winded verbal attack, do so with tact.  To effectively interrupt, you might try simply raising your hands slightly while saying “hang on” or “just a second.”  Follow it up with “I want to make sure I heard you right” or “I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying.”  Then paraphrase what you heard and ask if you got it right.  This can be an extremely effective way to gain the other person’s trust.

When you cultivate this skill with practice until it becomes a habit, you’ll be able to stay cool and win an argument every time.  And whether at home, in business, or at work, relationships will flourish.

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How to Get 50/50 Child Custody in Your New Jersey Divorce

As a separated or divorcing parent, you might be curious about your chances for “equal” or “50/50” child custody in your New Jersey divorce.

First, it’s important to recognize the huge benefit for parents and kids when divorcing parents reach their own custody and parenting time agreement out of court.

By reaching custody and parenting time agreements out of court, divorcing parents can save much in legal fees.  Perhaps more importantly, they can save their kids from becoming casualties of a litigated custody battle.  Therefore, the best way to share equal child custody with your spouse is generally by reaching a written agreement.

You might view a 50/50 child custody arrangement as the simplest way to maintain close and ongoing contact with the children after the divorce.  But before approaching your spouse with the idea that 50/50 custody is best for your kids, make sure it’s workable.  Here’s how to determine if a 50/50 custody arrangement will work and how to get your spouse on board.

Do your homework.

In New Jersey, there’s been a long time growing trend of “shared” (not necessarily 50/50) physical custody arrangements.  In shared custody arrangments, one parent would be the “Parent of Primary Residence” for the child.  The other would be the “Parent of Alternate Residence.”  Granted, the Parent of Alternate Residence generally enjoys liberal parenting time with the kids.   This type of child custody arrangement, however, is not automatically “50-50.”

To learn the dramatic benefits and how-to’s of shared parenting arrangements, I often suggest to clients they read the ground-breaking classic, Mom’s House, Dad’s House by internationally renowned therapist, family expert and mediator, Isolina Ricci Ph.D.  This book is a great place to start and you can get lots of valuable tips and tools for making two homes work.

How close will you live to your co-parent?

Equal custody arrangements generally work best when both parents live in the same town or relatively near one another.  Otherwise, the logistics of transporting the kids back and forth would be too cumbersome.

Can you commit to productively and civilly communicating with your ex?

With a 50/50 custody schedule, both parents will need to communicate regularly on scheduling, activities and more.  Ongoing arguments between the two of you can have a major negative effect on the kids and outweigh any benefits of a 50/50 custody arrangement.

Would a 50/50 custody arrangement logistically work with everyone’s schedule?

Be able to show your spouse that the arrangement is doable with each parent’s work schedule and the kids’ activities.  Here’s one effective way to do this.

Using a blank pad (or preferably a whiteboard), make a chart with days of the week Monday through Sunday.  Write in the days and times of each activity in which each child participates.  For children in less than a full school day, include those days and times as well.

Next, write in the work schedule for both you and your spouse.  Include the average times each leaves for work and arrives home.  You can also include times for dinners, snacks, or any specific needs of each child.  By viewing everyone’s schedule in black and white, you can see clearly which parent is available to transport the children back and forth to each activity on which days.

Ask and listen.

As with any negotiation, it’s generally best to seek your spouse’s input before offering your own.  Ask your spouse what type of custody arrangement he or she has in mind.  If not 50/50, ask your spouse the reasoning behind the proposed arrangement.  Listen carefully and validate before jumping in with your own arguments.

Using the tools above, you’ll then be able to calmly and rationally show how 50/50 custody arrangement can effectively work best for all of you.

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5 Questions to Ask Before Getting a Divorce that Could Save Your Marriage

The decision to divorce is often made with much frustration, anger, and disappointment.

That’s why it’s important to take a moment to step back from the painful emotions associated with divorce and look at things objectively from a calmer perspective.  Asking yourself the right questions before contacting a lawyer or mediator can help make a divorce more amicable.  It can even save the marriage.

That’s what happened to a former client of mine, now one of my closest friends, who I’ll refer to as Tanya (not her real name).  Tanya and her husband, who we’ll call Jim, ultimately reconciled and are now happily married.  As you’ll see here, asking these 5 questions before getting a divorce can help save the marriage.

1.          Do you still love your spouse?

Beneath the anger and hurt, can you remember why you married your spouse?  Think about what you most loved about your spouse and why you got married in the first place.

Chances are,  your spouse still has those same qualities.   But perhaps you simply stopped noticing beneath the anger, pain, and resentment experienced by both of you, particularly over a long period of time.

2.          Do you and your spouse share the same values?

You might recognize that for all the marital difficulties, you and your spouse are nevertheless on the same page when it comes to important values.  For example, you might both value hard work, self-responsibility, or educating your kids to respect themselves and others.  Having similar values are foundational for any successful relationship.

3.          How can a divorce be handled to minimize harm to the children?

Whether or not you and your spouse ultimately decide to divorce, you will always both be your kids’  parents and in each other’s lives.  Establishing healthy and respectful co-parenting communication early in is essential for your children’s emotional well-being.   It also helps to forge a common bond with your spouse that may even bring you closer.

4.          Have you made your concerns about the relationship clear to your spouse?

We often think we’ve communicated but the other person may not hear things the same way.  Especially when men and women generally communicate very differently.  For more details, check out this post.

My former client, Tanya, discovered she hadn’t been open with Jim with her concerns about the marriage.  Just after she initiated the divorce process,  however, Jim asked her how they had ended up getting a divorce.

For the first time, Tanya told him that for the past 10 years, she felt completely unloved and unappreciated in the marriage.  She felt Jim incessantly criticized and ignored her and she simply couldn’t take it anymore.

She was shocked to learn Jim still loved her and that he always would even after the divorce.  That all the time he worked and fixed up their home was how he showed love by taking care of her.

Tanya had simply never considered this possibility.  For her, to feel Jim loved her, she expected him to say so often and express it, for instance, by holding her hand or initiating a hug or otherwise making their relationship a priority.  This calls to mind the bestselling book by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

In the book, Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how they each both give and receive love. And that it’s possible for couples to truly love each other, but to feel unloved because they have different beliefs about giving and receiving love.  The book is well worth the read for any couple in a marriage or long-term relationship.

5.          Could you have done something differently?

In any event, Tanya and Jim’s talk made Tanya realize that she also had a part in the demise of the marriage.  She acknowledged to Jim that she kept her feelings to herself and emotionally withdrew as her resentment towards him built up.  Jim appreciated her candor and acknowledged his part as well. By each taking responsibility, it allowed them to change course and ultimately save their marriage.

It’s therefore important to take a step back from the emotional turmoil and ask yourself these 5 questions before taking that big step to end the marriage.  Of course,  not every marriage can or perhaps should be saved.  But by objectively asking these questions, what do you have to lose?

To learn more about whether divorce is right for you, or you’re interested in learning more about our marital mediation services, call or click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

Quick Guide to Successful First Offers in Your Business Negotiations

If you’re a business professional or owner, chances are you negotiate often.  Similarly,  as a lawyer for over 25 years, virtually 100% of my cases are settled out of court.  And I’ve learned some key tips along the way that I now share when coaching business clients.  This post offers those tips on making the first offer in negotiations.

Perhaps you’re aware of the widespread assumption that making the first offer is a huge mistake – that you’d risk “showing your cards” too early and leave money on the table.  In reality, however, the opposite is true.  Those who make first offers in business negotiations generally have the advantage and come out ahead.

This is because the first offer “anchors” the direction of the negotiation.  Anchoring is a well-documented cognitive bias.  It describes the human tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information offered when making decisions.   In addition, the first offer influences the other side’s counteroffer against their favor.  You’ll generally want your first offer to be the absolute best terms you can reasonably expect to get.  Here’s how to go about it.

Back it up.

If you’re the seller, for instance, your first offer would be the highest possible figure you can justify.  This means you’ll be able to back up your figure with facts if the other side questions it.

Be prepared

Ideally, before making the first offer, you should have sufficient information about the other side’s willingness to pay and the applicable market trends.  This will avoid your first offer being so aggressive that it drives the other party away.

Knowing a bit about how much the other side is willing to pay will help determine what their best alternative is to this deal and what they will likely pay or accept.   Keep this in mind when crafting your first offer.  Likewise, in making the first offer, it’s important to focus on your ideal outcome (or “target price”) while knowing your bottom line.

Be specific

Make the figure precise instead of offered as a range.  A precise figure is more likely to have an anchoring effect and lead to a less ambitious counteroffer by the other side.

Negotiation really is an art that takes strategic agility and lots of practice.  You can start with the above tips when making the first offer in your next business negotiation and set yourself up for success.  For more tips, check out The Art of Negotiation by Michael Wheeler.

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