8 Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Happy, According to Divorce Lawyers

Communication has to be more than just talking—it needs to be about actively listening. “Listen to understand where the other person is really coming from,” Michele Hart, of M. Hart Divorce and Family Law in Morristown, New Jersey, tells Brides. “Listening is at the heart of close relationships with others. Instead of thinking of your own response, put aside for the moment your own judgments, opinions, thoughts, and expectations. How does the other person view the situation?” If you make the effort to see things from each other’s point of view, you’ll be so much stronger.

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Is Your Spouse Entitled to Half Your Retirement in a New Jersey Divorce?

It’s common to assume your spouse is automatically entitled to “half” of your pension or other retirement assets if you divorce.  This is really not accurate, however.

First of all, in New Jersey, marital assets including retirement assets, are distributed “equitably” upon divorce, which is not necessarily 50-50.

This means that distribution to your spouse is based upon consideration of 15 or so statutory factors, which include among others, the length of the marriage; the ages and health of the parties, the economic circumstances of each party; and the income and earning capacity of each spouse.

So how much of your retirement is your spouse “entitled” to?

Like any marital asset, pensions and other retirement plans acquired during the marriage by either spouse are typically divided upon divorce.

Unlike 401(k) plans, “pensions” typically are “defined benefit” plans funded solely by employers.  This means the plans provide for future lifetime monthly benefits to you.

Pensions are most often associated with state and local government employment.  There is no account balance and you generally cannot take loans against a pension.

On the other hand, retirement assets such as 401(k) plans, 403(b) plans, employee stock ownership plans, and profit-sharing plans are generally valued as of the account statement closest to the date on which the divorce complaint was filed.

How do you determine the value of your retirement asset to be divided?

The “marital value” is the value of your retirement asset in which your spouse would share.  The “marital value” is typically the value that runs from the date of marriage to the date on which a divorce complaint was filed with the Court, or other mutually agreed upon date the marriage is deemed “terminated” (often called the “marriage termination date.”)

Therefore, any portion of a pension or retirement plan that predates the marriage is typically exempt from being divided in divorce.

Pensions

To find out the value of your pension, obtain a “present value” of the marital portion of your pension.  The “present value” is the marital value of your future benefit in today’s dollars.  A qualified actuary or accountant can calculate the present marital value of your pension for a relatively nominal fee.

401(k) and similar plans

The value of account-type retirement plans to be divided, however, is generally the value of the account on or close to the date the divorce complaint was filed with the court or other agreed upon marriage termination date.

How is the marital value of your retirement asset divided with your spouse?

There are generally two options for dividing the marital value of your pension or retirement account:

1.          Present value offset.

Agree with your spouse to “offset” the present value of your spouse’s estimated share of your pension or retirement account with another marital asset of comparable value.

This would enable you to keep your pension provided your spouse receives another marital asset of comparable value.

For example, if the marital value of your pension or retirement account is calculated as $200,000, your attorney might advise in your case that your spouse’s share is worth $100,000.  Accordingly, you might then agree for your spouse to receive another marital asset worth $100,000 and you keep your pension.

2.          Division by Qualified Domestic Relations Order.

A Qualified Domestic Relations Order, commonly called a “QDRO”, is a separate court order prepared by a qualified professional, typically an actuary.  The QDRO is required by your retirement plan administrator to pay your spouse’s share of your retirement asset directly to your spouse after the divorce.

For a pension plan, your spouse typically receives his or her share when you retire.

For a 401(k) or another account-type plan, your spouse would typically receive his or her share according to the terms of your particular plan.  Some plans allow for a single lump sum payment while others do not.   Your attorney would advise you as to which method of dividing your retirement plan upon divorce would work best for you.

For more information about how to divide your pension or retirement plans in divorce or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

 

 

Nine Tips for Saving Money and Aggravation in Your New Jersey Divorce

Divorce is not easy.  But it doesn’t have to involve knock-down drag-out fighting with your spouse or cost you an arm and a leg.

Here are 9 tips that can save you money and aggravation in your New Jersey divorce:

1.         Picture what you want your life to look like after the divorce.

Do you want to buy a new home?  Maintain and grow your business?  Will your children live with you or do you want shared parenting with your spouse?

The more details you can envision, the more control you can have over the outcome.  And the less left to chance for last-minute decisions in your divorce.

Be sure to focus on the big picture.  Identify what matters most to you in your divorce.

Do you want to maintain a civil (if not amicable) relationship with your ex for the sake of your kids?  If so, focus on that as you deal with your spouse during the divorce.

2.          Listen to your children and consider their concerns.

The older your children are, the more they need to be heard.  They will likely have many questions and fears.  Do your best to listen and reassure them.

3.          Hire a lawyer with specific expertise in divorce and family law.

Trying to get a divorce without a lawyer, just to save money, can cost so much more in the long run.

Many lawyers practice family law among real estate, criminal, municipal, estate, and other legal matters.  Hiring a lawyer who is not uniquely knowledgeable and skilled in family law can cost much more money and unnecessarily increase conflict with your spouse.

Also, be sure your lawyer is on the same page as you.  For example, if you want to try to resolve your divorce amicably, the last thing you need is an attorney who likes to litigate at all cost.

4.         Know your finances.

The more you know about the marital finances, the less you will have to pay your lawyer to find out.

It’s important that the financial decisions in your divorce are informed.  That is, with full knowledge and understanding of the marital income, assets, and debts.

Likewise, you will need this knowledge to complete a Case Information Statement, (commonly referred to as a CIS), which is typically required to be filed with the court in New Jersey.

The CIS provides your financial profile and is generally considered the most important document in a divorce case.

For a detailed list of documents to obtain for your divorce, take a look at my previous post.

It’s also very important to run your credit report.  It’s easy to miss things in the midst of divorce.

Your credit report can act as a checklist of what to include in your divorce agreement.  It will also bring to light any debts by your spouse you might not know about.

5.          Secure trusted financial and tax guidance.

If you don’t know the financial and tax consequences of your divorce, it can cost you thousands of dollars.  Be sure to consult with a trusted accountant and/or financial advisor before making final financial decisions in your divorce.

6.          Be wary of divorce “advice” from others.

While you might be tempted to get advice from friends, family, or acquaintances who’ve been divorced, it’s generally a bad idea.  No one knows your particular circumstances the way your lawyer does and can advise you properly.

It is important, however, to surround yourself with trusted friends and family for emotional support.

7.          Ignore nasty attempts by your spouse to hurt you.  

Keep in mind that people are often at their worst during divorce.  If your spouse accuses you of abandoning your children or threatens to sue you for every last dime, or any of the many other nasty things angry spouses can blurt out, ignore it.  End the conversation.  Period.

8.          Don’t short change yourself just to get the divorce over with.

Divorce has its own timeline.  The longer it takes, the more you might become tempted to give in and agree to things against your better judgment.  If you do, chances are you might regret it later.  It’s important to be patient and focus on your goals.

9.          The vast majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court.

Only about one percent of divorce cases filed in New Jersey go to trial.  And for good reason.  Going to trial generally costs tens of thousands of dollars and leads to an unpredictable result by the court.

Divorce doesn’t have to be destructive and put you in the poor house – nor should it.  By keeping your values and goals front and center during the divorce, the more solid and successful your life will be afterward.

Thanks for reading!  Please share this post with others who might find it helpful.

 

Four Immediate Actions to Protect Your Online Privacy if Separated or Considering Divorce

It’s very common for divorcing spouses to have shared access to computers, devices or online accounts, even after they physically separate.

If you’re separated or considering divorce, it’s essential to take immediate steps to protect your online privacy.  This can avoid driving up conflict and legal fees in divorce.

Two important reasons to protect your online privacy during divorce:

1.          Your spouse’s access to confidential communications between you and your lawyer can significantly jeopardize your bargaining position in settlement negotiations or in court; and

2 .         Emails, text messages, and social media posts can all be used as evidence in divorce proceedings.  Some examples:

• Nasty or threatening text messages and emails to your spouse or on social media can hurt your chances for child custody and/or parenting time with your child.

• Social media posts of extravagant vacations or purchases can create suspicion that you have more money than you’re letting on or may be dissipating marital assets.

Take these 4 steps to protect your online privacy when separated or considering divorce.

1.          Set up an entirely new email account with a new password. 

Though admittedly inconvenient, it’s well worth the effort to set up a secure email account to protect your email communications.  These include confidential communications between you and your lawyer.

2.          Secure Your Devices.

iPhones, smartphones, and tablets often contain valuable personal information easily accessible when left out in the open.  Specifically, if you live with your spouse during the divorce, he or she can easily access your text messages, emails, and social media accounts.

Therefore, make sure to secure all personal electronic devices with a PIN or fingerprint.

3.          Disable Sharing for Owned Accounts.

Accounts for services like Netflix, Amazon, eBay, Dropbox, Google Drive, and Apple often contain valuable personal data about you.

For instance, a shared Apple ID gives your spouse access to your iCloud account with your photos, contacts, emails, calendars, and your physical location.

If you are the owner of these accounts, disable the sharing to protect your privacy.

You should also include home security and smart home devices such as wireless cameras with cloud storage, smart thermostats, alarm systems, door locks, garage doors, and light bulbs.

4.          Make a Detailed List. 

If you’re separated or considering divorce, make a detailed list of all online accounts that your spouse might be able to access.  This will help you identify which to stop using and reestablish in your own name.

While all this can sound daunting, you can save much on legal fees and bitter conflict during divorce, giving you invaluable peace of mind.

For more information on protecting your privacy during divorce or to schedule a personalized consultation, please click here.

Five Insider Tips for an Amicable Divorce

As a practicing divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, I’ve seen how easy it is for divorcing spouses to get caught up in the emotional conflict that often comes with divorce.

When you have children, it’s important to keep in mind that you and your spouse will be connected for the rest of your lives through your children.

And the best way to preserve a future co-parenting relationship is to divorce amicably.

Below are 5 insider tips for an amicable divorce:

1.          Get your spouse on board with staying out of court. 

The best way to reduce acrimony and divorce amicably is to stay out of court.  The New Jersey family court process is designed to pit spouses against each other as adversaries.  If you can get your spouse’s commitment to avoid court, you can significantly increase the chances of an amicable divorce.

2.          Hire a settlement oriented family lawyer. 

There are plenty of divorce lawyers who thrive on turning your divorce into a never-ending battlefield.

Instead, seek out and hire a knowledgeable and reasonable family lawyer committed to minimizing conflict in your divorce.

3.          Change the way you communicate with your spouse. 

When your spouse hasn’t yet accepted the idea of divorce, be sensitive to that.  Go out of your way to make sure your spouse feels heard and respected.  This can reduce the chances of your spouse hiring an aggressive litigious lawyer, which can lead to a protracted and acrimonious divorce with hefty legal fees.

Clearly convey to your spouse you are committed to remaining respectful throughout the divorce process and to reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

4.         Keep the focus on the kids.

Minimizing conflict between you and your spouse will greatly benefit your children.  Keep in mind how each action and decision you make will affect them.

5.          Maintain realistic expectations.

Consult with a lawyer who practices exclusively or primarily in divorce and family law so you know what outcome you can reasonably expect in your divorce.

By remaining respectful and compassionate towards yourself and your spouse, and keeping your kids front and center, you can open up the way to an amicable divorce.

For more information or to find out how to reach an amicable divorce settlement, click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

 

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Three Tips for Settling Your Divorce Out of Court

It’s common for divorcing spouses to speak with one another to decide who gets what in the divorce.

Divorce negotiations can be difficult, however. They can quickly become emotionally charged, especially when there is a lack of trust between spouses.

The key to successfully negotiating your divorce, therefore, is to respond instead of reacting.

There’s a big difference between reacting, which involves an emotional knee-jerk reaction, and responding, which involves strategic forethought.

With that said, below are three tips to make the divorce settlement conversation with your spouse more productive and help you settle your divorce out of court:

1.          Speak face-to-face if it all possible.

Tempting as it might be, divorce negotiations are rarely effective by emails or texts between spouses.

After all, the vast majority of communication (over 70%) is body language.

Therefore, the most effective divorce settlement conversations generally take place face-to-face to allow for eye contact, body language, and voice tone.

Likewise, it’s very easy for your spouse to misconstrue what you are saying in an e-mail or text  message.

At the very least, you should wait several hours before sending an email or text.  Take the opportunity to verify your words and tone are helpful and likely to be received favorably by your spouse.

The telephone isn’t much better.  But if a phone call is your only option, make sure to schedule the call when you’re most likely to be calm and attentive.

2.          If your spouse insists on a specific number.

When you start negotiating your divorce, avoid being held to a specific dollar figure – or even a ballpark figure – until you’ve had a chance to consider the financial and legal implications.

For example, if your spouse pushes for a specific alimony figure, simply respond by saying you need some time to think about it.  Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming locked in to a commitment that can be difficult to back off from.

3.          If your spouse insists on a term and you’re not yet ready to agree.

First take a moment to pause.  Then respond by suggesting to your spouse that the item be put aside for now.  Identify any other terms you’re agreeable to.

This can prevent a potentially emotionally charged issue to result in a premature deadlock and jeopardize reaching a divorce settlement agreement.  You can always revisit a sensitive issue once progress is made on the other terms.

If you want to take charge of your divorce outcome instead of leaving it up to the court, I encourage you to speak directly with your spouse with the above tips in mind.

If you and your spouse have children, it’s even more important to amicably settle your divorce.  you will both be joined the rest of your lives through your children.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it to be in charge of your future and your children will thank you for it.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

 

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