Can you Terminate New Jersey Alimony if Your Ex is Involved in a New Romantic Relationship?

What can you do if you’re paying alimony and suspect your ex is in a new romantic relationship?

Your ex might be “cohabitating” under New Jersey law.  If so, you can ask the court to terminate, modify, or suspend your alimony payments back to the time the cohabitation began.

What is cohabitation under New Jersey law?

Under current New Jersey alimony law, cohabitation “involves a mutually supportive, intimate personal relationship in which a couple has undertaken duties and privileges that are commonly associated with marriage or civil union but does not necessarily maintain a single common household.”

Therefore, the couple does not have to live together on a full-time basis to be considered “cohabitating.”

When determining if cohabitation exists, New Jersey courts will consider the following:

• Intertwined finances, such as joint bank accounts and other joint holdings or liabilities.
• Sharing or joint responsibility for living expenses.
• Recognition of the relationship in the couple’s social and family circle.
• Whether the couple is living together, the frequency of contact, the duration of the relationship, and other indicia of a mutually supportive intimate personal relationship.
• Sharing household chores.
• An enforceable promise of support from the romantic partner.

What if you were divorced before September 2014 (when the current New Jersey alimony law became effective), and your divorce agreement contains an alimony provision for cohabitation?  You would then need to prove your ex-spouse shares a common residence with the romantic partner.

What is the process to reduce or eliminate alimony?

It’s common for the spouse receiving alimony to hide the true nature of shared financial and living arrangements.

At the same time, you need to be able to show your ex-spouse is cohabitating by deliberately and carefully gathering the right evidence.

Only then will you be able to file a motion with the court and meet your legal burden.  The legal burden requires an initial prima facie case that your ex is cohabitating in a serious relationship.  The term “prima facie” means the evidence you submit to the court is accepted as correct until proved otherwise.

Otherwise, a premature court filing without sufficient basis will not only be rejected; it will likely doom any future applications about the same relationship.

If the court deems the evidence sufficient, it may grant you the right to gather more conclusive evidence, including financial records.

Proving cohabitation is a daunting task.  If successfully done, however, it could ultimately save much money if alimony were to be terminated back to the time of cohabitation.

 What type of evidence should be gathered to prove cohabitation?

An experienced private investigator can help gather compelling evidence of cohabitation.  Private investigators can monitor social media activity and establish patterns of cohabitation activity by surveillance.

Make sure to outline the scope and focus of the investigative efforts with the investigator to ensure financial resources are used wisely.

For instance, in working with a private investigator, you might have investigative efforts focus on:

• Searching for an association with the romantic partner’s address, such as mailing address, cell phone or other publicly available accounts.
• Reviewing text and email communications with your ex-spouse for inferences of a relationship or plans to be away.  This can help to pin down dates for surveillance or other investigatory tools.
• Documenting the couple leaving the home together in one vehicle and going to such places as restaurants, gyms, doctor appointments, or other destinations.
• Showing the couple packing belongings into one car for the weekend, stopping for groceries, dinner, or another store, and heading to their common destination.
• If there are two homes in play, both should be considered.   For instance, the private investigator might photograph both vehicles together at one residence late in the evening and again perhaps at 5:00 a.m. on the following morning.  If enough of such instances can be strung together, evidence that the couple actually lives together can be captured.
• Show the couple regularly involved in family and social circles.  For instance, photographs of the significant other accompanying the children or other family members or driving and arriving at a location together.
• Creative private investigators might also examine discarded garbage placed at the curb of one of the homes for pickup (which is generally admissible in court), for papers or other helpful evidence to determine the couple’s lifestyle and spending habits.  These might include financial statements (credit card, bank, and business accounts with account numbers, location, and amounts; Envelopes from financial institutions with return addresses; paper deliberately torn into pieces; love letters, cards, notes and phone numbers of friends and relatives (even handwritten notes about plans to move, vacation, etc.).

The longer surveillance and other investigative activities continue and demonstrate ongoing comings and goings of the couple, the more credible a court application is likely to be.

Be Proactive

If you are not yet divorced, you can avoid the above post-divorce process by including a cohabitation provision for alimony in your divorce agreement.

Such a provision should clearly define what “cohabitation” means and its effect on alimony payments.

Every situation is unique.  For more information on how best to modify or terminate alimony or to settle your divorce out of court, please call or click here.

 

 

Five Powerful Ways to Reach Successful Agreements in Business and in Life

Knowing how to skillfully interact in business and personal relationships is key to successful agreements – with clients, customers, employees, even your spouse or kids.

School teaches us to read and write.  We don’t get formally educated on how to build and strengthen interpersonal relationships.  Or on what to say and how to say it so everyone can get what they want.

And with the ever-increasing number of people texting and tweeting, opportunities to learn and acquire such essential skills are disappearing.

So, it’s important now more than ever to get a handle on the basics.  Here are 5 powerful ways to reach successful agreements with anyone.

1.          Know your goals.

Before any negotiation, know what you want to come away with.  The secret is to get the other person to want to cooperate with you.  And keep in mind your overall goal is to get the agreement.

2.          Step into their shoes.

Think of how you might view the situation if you were the other person.  What problem would you experience if you were them?  What would you find helpful?  Be sincere in your desire to help them find a solution to what they view as the problem.

3.          The Right Mindset.

The right state of mind is essential to staying calm in the midst of any heated negotiation.

Our default is to become defensive when faced with angry or critical remarks.  But reacting defensively will only ignite the situation.  And then before we know it, we’ve become part of the problem.

But if we take our ego out of the equation, then our assumptions, judgments, and expectations disappear.

It helps to keep this in mind – people spouting off generally don’t mean what they’re actually saying.  They’re upset.  So, to stay focused on ultimately directing the result you want, ignore the words.

According to attorney and mediator in Clovis, California, Doug Noll, “the number 1 best way to not become triggered is to ignore the words.  No matter how insulting, disrespectful, or threatening the other person is, ignore what they are saying.”

Mr. Noll recommends a technique he developed called “affect labeling” and “core messaging.”  Essentially, it works like this.  If you want to calm someone down, listen for the emotions behind the words.

According to Mr. Noll, if we can stay focused on what the person’s emotions are in that moment, your ego goes away. You will remain calm and centered.  And you will not feel like you have to defend yourself and “win.”

This “calm” state of mind is practiced in Asian cultures, particularly in the Japanese martial art of Aikido.  We also see it when athletes are “in the zone” and with actors when they improvise.

We can all do this.  It takes practice.  Like riding a bike, it requires practice to become automatic.  You might try meditation or another activity designed to improve focus.  Then you can call upon this skill in any negotiation and whenever you can’t anticipate what someone will do.

4.          Choose your words.

Decide exactly what you want to say.  What is the specific point you want to get across? Choose your words deliberately and intentionally.

Then paint a specific picture of what you want the other person to see.  Use both your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.

It’s human nature to listen to any idea or proposal by asking yourself “what’s in it for me?”

The most effective salespeople can skillfully interact and listen.  They use words to show specifically how someone will benefit from what they’re selling.  It can also be very effective to put what you want them to do in terms of what they have to gain or lose.

Of course, it’s important to do your preparation before any negotiation.  And you can also figure out what your counterpart is likely to agree to simply by stepping into their shoes and listening carefully.

Essentially, the more specific you are about helping people see what you want them to see in a way that shows what’s in it for them, the more agreeable they’ll be.

5.          When things get heated.

The key to persuading someone to do what you want is to show respect – something we all want.  When we disrespect others, whether by making them feel bad or putting them down in front of others, we create enemies.  We lose trust.  And we lose the power to influence a result or reach agreements.

If you repeatedly interrupt the other person to correct them or argue your case, they’ll only dig in more that they’re right.

Instead, you can neutralize an angry tirade with something like “I hear you” or “I can certainly understand that.”  Follow up with “and” not “but” – anything that comes after the “but” will be all they hear.   For example, you might say “I hear you and I want to make sure I hear you correctly.”

If you need to interrupt a particularly long-winded verbal attack, do so with tact.  To effectively interrupt, you might try simply raising your hands slightly while saying “hang on” or “just a second.”  Follow it up with “I want to make sure I heard you right” or “I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying.”

Then paraphrase what you heard.  For example, using Doug Noll’s technique, you can say “Okay, you are feeling [emotion] because of [reason].  Is that right?

It’s not important if you’re right or not.  Just make a guess at what they’re feeling.  You’ll know it when they feel heard when they knock their head and visibly calm down.  At that point, they’re much more likely to listen to you. Use this opportunity to defend yourself and reaffirm that you appreciate their input.

This can be an extremely effective way to build trust and reach agreements much more quickly and successfully.

Knowing who you’re dealing with and communicating in his language is one of the most valuable skills you can have.  When you cultivate this skill with practice until it becomes a habit, you’ll begin to reach agreements easily with anyone, at any time, anywhere.

And the best part is that whether in business, at work, or at home, relationships will flourish.

Please share this post with those who would find it helpful.  For a customized strategy on how to successfully reach an out of court settlement, please click here.

Four Steps to Take Charge of Your Divorce and Save Big on Legal Fees

For many New Jersey divorces, spouses can enter into written agreements without going to court.  Then, all a court needs to do is to legally dissolve the marriage.

These agreements, typically called Marital Settlement Agreements, outline terms dealing with child custody and parenting time, alimony or spousal support, and how the marital assets and debts will be divided.

Likewise, legal fees in reaching agreements out of court are generally a fraction of those where a court decides the issues.

Below are 3 powerful ways to take charge of your divorce and save time, money, and stress, while paving the way for successful co-parenting of your children.

1.          Talk to your spouse.

It’s very common for divorcing spouses to become caught up in the emotional conflict that often comes with divorce.

But it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way if you have a plan in place.

And if you have children, it’s important to keep in mind that you will be tied to your spouse for the rest of your life through your children.

Therefore, when you want to divorce, you should tell your spouse carefully to gain his or her cooperation in reaching an agreement out of court.

All too often, when spouses avoid each other, one or both end up hiring the kind of lawyer who will aggressively take the case to court.  This only drives up costs and emotional turmoil.

So, the key is to get your spouse on board with reaching a Marital Settlement Agreement out of court and using settlement-oriented lawyers.

For instance, in my firm, we map out a strategic plan with clients and what it takes to achieve a successful Marital Settlement Agreement with the other spouse.

Clients can also take advantage of personal coaching and tips of what to say, how to say it and when.  Some tips are included in this post.

It’s also very important to suggest to your spouse that you each get legal advice.  Be selective about each choosing settlement oriented lawyers to consult with.

2.          Lay the groundwork for the outcome you want.

It’s a good idea to start by listing all assets and debts acquired during the marriage by either or both of you.  Include values and balances.   For anything you don’t know, obtain copies of financial documents.  Here is a checklist of significant divorce documents you should obtain.

3.          Be selective when consulting with lawyers.

Make plans for you and your spouse to each consult with a settlement-oriented family law attorney.  Make sure to learn how to best resolve the issues out of court.

For instance, our clients receive a “packet” of materials that lays the foundation for the Marital Settlement Agreement, which includes custody and parenting time schedules, financial worksheets, and referrals to additional professionals as needed.

It’s also important to work with a competent divorce and family lawyer to make sure you don’t overlook significant provisions that could result in costly court intervention after the divorce.

In addition, there are certain things where the fairness of divorce agreements is largely determined by New Jersey law.

These include amounts and duration of alimony, and how certain types of assets are distributed, like retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, businesses, and lawsuit settlement proceeds.

It’s also a good idea to consult with your financial advisor to find out how much money you’ll need to meet your expenses after the divorce and save enough for retirement.

4.          Agree on the terms.

Decide what you want to achieve in a divorce agreement before negotiating with your spouse.  Identify what matters most to each of you.  For example, it might be important for you to have a certain amount of funds in retirement, while your spouse feels strongly about keeping the marital home.

Likewise, by you and your spouse each having a settlement-oriented family law attorney, the Marital Settlement Agreement can be drafted and finalized before you even go to court to finalize the divorce.

Please call or click here to schedule a personalized consultation and receive substantive legal advice and a customized strategy for your divorce or separation.

“The best way to predict your future is to create it.”

― Abraham Lincoln

 

 

The One Thing for Peace of Mind When Times are Tough

Challenges are part of life.

We are constantly being hit with new challenges that take many different forms:   Difficult people.  Losing a job.  Marital difficulties and divorce.  Sometimes things just suck.

But you can still have peace of mind.

The single thing that I’ve found most powerful is to start with your mindset.  Chances are you’ve heard clichés like “every cloud has a silver lining” and “every challenge is an opportunity.”   Clichés exist simply because they are universally true.

The truth is this.   Every challenge, every form of adversity, happens for you, not to you.

It means you have something to learn.  We all do.

Of course, you’re not likely to know what it is you have to learn when things really suck.

So, the mindset – and the access to learning – is knowing one simple truth:  Everything that is or will be is up to you. 

In other words, we are each completely responsible – for all our mistakes, as well as our successes and happiness.  This was a sobering, yet powerful, realization for me.

It’s so easy to blame others for our unhappiness.  But one bitter pill I’ve learned to swallow is that nobody else is responsible for my reactions but me.

Whether it’s your unhappiness, frustration or anger – you get to choose.

Choosing to take responsibility for our circumstances empowers us to make the changes we want.

By blaming others, we actually make ourselves powerless to change anything.

Likewise, when something goes wrong, the most powerful thing you can do is own up to your part.

For example, suppose the new employee you just hired is screwing up big time.   No matter how many times you try and steer him in the right direction, things just don’t seem to improve.

You can blame your employee for being incompetent.   Or you can own your part in making the decision to hire him in the first place.  For instance, were there any red flags or warning signs you might have overlooked or rationalized that might have indicated he might not be a good fit for the job?

It takes real courage to take responsibility.  Because it can really sting, I know.

When we feel attacked, denying responsibility or blaming others can be a great defense.

When someone blames me, my first instinct is often to fight back.

But if it’s someone close to you, you know that fighting back can potentially destroy the relationship.

Blaming others pushes people away and cuts us off from valuable friendships and other meaningful relationships.

On the other hand, taking responsibility by owning your part builds trust, promotes respect, and ultimately strengthens relationships.

When you take responsibility for your situation, you’re likely to immediately feel lighter, like a heavy weight has been lifted.

Taking responsibility empowers you to make the changes you want.

That’s when you know what you need to learn.  And that’s when you grow.

In the inspirational words of former first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt:

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. 
The process never ends until we die.
And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

Thanks for reading!  Please share this article with those who would find it helpful.

 

 

Seven Proven Tips for an Improved Relationship With Your Teen

I know first-hand that parenting a teen can be challenging at best.

It often involves a balance of offering the right amount of guidance with providing enough freedom to make mistakes.

Fortunately, I learned a thing or two as I parent my own teenagers – and along the way, they’ve commented on what they like and need from me as a parent.

I’m passing on these 7 proven tips for an improved relationship with your teen:

1.       Be clear on the rules.

 Your teen needs you to be a parent before being a friend.

For teenagers, rules mean you care about their health, safety, and well-being.

By the same token, rules should not be arbitrary or unreasonable.  You should be able to explain to your teen how the rules promote their best interests.  And what the consequences are for breaking them.

This makes it more likely your teen will buy into the rules and make wiser choices.

For some really good examples of house rules for teenagers, check out this recent post.

2.        Give them the freedom to make mistakes.

Teens need plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them.   This is how they learn to develop good judgment.

Though it can be difficult, it’s important to refrain from swooping in and running to the rescue too soon.  Especially if you want your teen to be self-reliant and resilient.

Teens also tend to resent not being trusted to make certain decisions.  So, when you’ve clearly communicated the rules and consequences, you can (fingers crossed!) let go and trust – and be there as backup.

3.          Sit and truly listen.

Like all of us, teens want to be listened to with respect.   And they hate to be interrupted.

Therefore, it’s important to be an available resource to your teen who can feel comfortable expressing viewpoints and feelings.

Of course, you don’t need to agree with everything.  First, just listen.  Then, your teen will be more likely to listen to you.

4.          Be the wind beneath their wings.

Teens are determined to find their own way as they navigate the social scene and develop friendships.

And pulling away from their parents is a natural reaction.

By the same token, teens are not likely to admit they still need you waiting in the wings to offer guidance and catch them if they fall.

5.          Teach by example.

If you want your teen to be responsible, respectful, and kind, make sure you “walk the walk.”

You might also offer an example of a situation similar to one facing your teen.  Explain how you handled it and how you might have handled it differently today.

On that note…

6.         Let them know you’re not perfect.

Of course, parents aren’t perfect.  Mistakes are par for the course in life.  It’s what you learn from the mistake and what you do next.

Likewise, admit when you’re wrong.  Your teen will be more likely to learn to own up to his or her own mistakes.

And even better if they learn to take responsibility for their part in a fight with a friend or a bad grade, instead of rushing to place all the blame on others.

7.          Have regular (unplugged) alone time with your teen.

Any activity counts.  Shopping, eating, bowling, working on an outdoor project that you both enjoy.

Relaxing and learning more about each other means the world to your teen.

What I’ve found is that it’s not just doing these 7 things; it’s how you do them – your commitment and authenticity – that ultimately brings you closer to your teen.

Please share this article with others who would find it useful.