Compelling Film Portrays Children’s Experience in Court Custody Battle

Separated or divorcing parents generally have two options when it comes to child custody and parenting time for their children:  (1) to agree in writing on terms that include where the children will primarily reside, parenting time schedule, and how major decisions about the children will be made, or (2) leave it up to the court to decide child custody and parenting time.

Leaving child custody and parenting time decisions to the court, however, places children squarely in the middle of their parents’ custody battle.  And sadly with potentially lasting emotional harm.

Separated or divorcing parents can witness children’s experience first-hand in the compelling award-winning 2013 film “Talk to Strangers” produced by Connecticut attorney and filmmaker Larry Sarezky.

The dramatic film reveals the experiences of two siblings, a 9-year-old boy, and his 14-year-old sister, as they go through the court custody evaluation process.

This 25-minute film is one of the only outside divorce products ever endorsed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.  Parents and professionals can view the film’s trailer and purchase the film, along with a 17-page Parents’ Guide, here.

Child custody evaluations are typically conducted by forensic psychologists.  Evaluations generally involve psychological testing of each parent, multiple interviews with the children and each parent, and with others involved with the family, such as teachers or health care providers.

The custody evaluator typically generates a report to the judge hearing the case.  The evaluator’s report includes all findings and recommendations on how custody should be awarded.  To find out how the court decides child custody and parenting time in New Jersey, see my previous post.

The custody evaluation can be extremely costly, generally ranging from $10,000 to $20,000 or more, not including court appearances or legal fees.  But the biggest cost by far, sadly, is the emotional cost paid by the children.

Therefore, it’s generally best for the children for separated or divorcing parents to reach a custody and parenting time agreement out-of-court, where they alone decide what’s best for their kids.

To find out the best way to reach an agreement on child custody and parenting time for your children, call or click here to schedule a personalized one-on-one consultation.

Is Technology Putting Our Essential Need for Social Connection at Risk?

There’s no doubt that social connection is essential to our work and personal lives.  According to this scientific article by Emma Seppälä, Ph.D, Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and author of The Happiness Track, research studies have revealed:

• Social connection improves physical health and mental and emotional well-being.
• People that have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.
• By the same token, those who are not socially connected or more prone to anxiety, depression, and isolation.

According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW,  research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and author of several #1 New York Times bestsellers including The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly:

A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs. . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

We may think we want money, power, fame, beauty, eternal youth or a new car, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, to be loved.

Social connection can arise when a friend gets your joke, a coworker offers congratulations or when your spouse gives you a hug.  Other instances might include much-needed help when a friend offers to pick your kids up from school, emotional support when someone expresses empathy for your tough day, advice or different perspective, or validation when you’re going through a tough time.

Unfortunately, research reveals that loneliness is on the rise and social connectedness is significantly declining, according to Emma Seppälä, Ph.D.’s research.  Even when we watch or read the news these days, we might notice becoming increasingly disconnected from others.

While the widespread use of technology and social media certainly has its benefits, reliance on technological communication might also mean we are losing the ability to effectively communicate with each other in person.

For one thing, genuine empathy can’t be conveyed in a text message or social media post.  By definition, empathy is putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. To effectively communicate empathy, words alone are only a small part.  It requires tone of voice, body language, and even physical touch.

Social Connections at Work and in Business

In a recent Forbes article, Carol Kinsey Goman, international keynote speaker and author of The Silent Language of Leaders conducted an interview with Ulrich Kellerer, leadership expert and international speaker, on whether technology has killed face-to-face communication.

According to Ulrich, “when it comes to effective business communication, over-reliance on technology at work can be a hindrance, especially when it ends up replacing face-to-face, human interaction.”

As he says, “connection is critical to building business relationships.” Likewise, according to Ulrich, interpersonal communication is vital for a business to function internally as face-to-face communication drives productivity.  He emphasizes:

Having a personal connection builds trust and minimizes misinterpretation and misunderstanding. With no physical cues, facial expressions/gestures, or the ability to retract immediately, the risk of disconnection, miscommunication, and conflict is heightened.

Similarly, according to Goman, “in the midst of a digital age, face-to-face is still the most productive and powerful communication medium.”  She explains:

People are interpreting the meaning of what you say only partially from the words you use. They get most of your message (and all of the emotional nuance behind the words) from vocal tone, pacing, facial expressions and body language. And, consciously or unconsciously, you are processing the instantaneous nonverbal responses of others to help gauge how well your ideas are being accepted.

In addition, people remember much more of what they see than what they hear — which is one reason why you tend to be more persuasive when you are both seen and heard.

Social connection at home

At home these days, families might be spending more evenings staring at their phones than each other.  And as this study observed, if one person in a relationship uses technology more than the other can result in feelings of insecurity.

Likewise, according to Brené Brown in her #1 New York Times bestseller Daring Greatly:

We are hardwired to connect with others.  It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.  One such moment is not that important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually, very slowly.

What We Can Do to Increase Social Connection

It’s important to carve out time to foster our most meaningful relationships.  We can create as many opportunities as possible to check in, exchange ideas, and lend a supportive ear when needed.

You might assess to see if you have friends or family members who you feel comfortable to be around, who give you a sense you can tell them anything and can help you solve problems.

You might make sure to contact these people regularly.  Commit to spending a certain amount of time together without distractions from digital devices.  Make sure to tell them you appreciate their support and friendship.

If you feel you lack such people in your life, you might take action to develop your network by taking a class or joining the group to meet and develop relationships with people who share your interests.

Just as we might do to stay healthy with diet and exercise, it’s equally, if not more, important to develop and nurture social connections that are so essential for our well-being.

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Divorce Lawyer Fees Demystified-What You Can Expect to Pay Your New Jersey Divorce Lawyer

It’s hard enough facing the prospect of divorce.

You never expected to have to deal with a divorce lawyer.  Nobody does.

You might know you should talk to a lawyer.  Yet you might be reluctant.  You just want what’s fair. And you don’t want to pay an arm and a leg to some lawyer who just wants to “fight.”

It all seems like a big mystery.  And the uncertainty of it all can be daunting.

You just want to know how much the divorce will cost.  Here’s the lowdown on divorce lawyer fees.

Consultation Fee

Your first step is to contact and meet with a prospective divorce lawyer in what is typically called a consultation.  This is a confidential, in-person meeting to discuss and evaluate your situation based on applicable New Jersey divorce and family laws.

It’s common to pay a one-time fee for a divorce consultation.

Productive consultations generally take anywhere from about one to one and a half hours and result in an action plan plus an understanding of your rights and options.

Some divorce lawyers, however, offer a “free” consultation limited to a maximum of 30 minutes.  Free information is generally very limited, however.  After all, lawyers are in the business of being paid for valuable advice.  So, chances are you won’t get such valuable advice for free.

Hourly Rate

Most New Jersey divorce and family lawyers charge by the hour.  During your consultation, you will find out the hourly rate of the attorney primarily handling your divorce and family matter.  Generally, the more experience and expertise the lawyer has, the higher the hourly rate.

Retainer Fee

A retainer fee is a sum of money paid up front for the lawyer’s divorce and family legal services.  During the consultation, you will find out the amount of “retainer fee” the lawyer will require.

Many divorce and family lawyers typically determine the amount of retainer fee by considering factors such as the complexity of issues to be resolved, the likelihood of immediate litigation, and anticipated behavior of your spouse and/or his or her attorney.

For example, a retainer payment might be higher if:

• your spouse’s lawyer has filed a court application;
• the lawyer determines your interests would be best protected by filing an immediate application with the court;
• your spouse’s lawyer is known for being particularly difficult or overly litigious; or
• You have relatively complex commercial assets to be valued.

The lawyer then typically multiplies the number of hours estimated to be initially spent by his or her hourly rate.

At the consultation, the attorney typically gives you a written retainer agreement that explains how you will be charged and what happens if your retainer fee runs out before the end of the case.

Your retainer fee will be deposited into the lawyer’s attorney trust or business account and held in “trust” on your behalf.  You will be billed against the retainer fee until it is depleted.  In the event the entire retainer is not used, the unbilled amount will be returned to you.

Other Costs

In addition to legal fees, you would typically pay for costs such as court filing fees and courier services.  These costs are generally also billed against your retainer fee.  Larger divorce and family law firms might also bill you for photocopying and postage (which my practice views as the cost of doing business and adding value for clients).

Incremental Retainer Fee

A good divorce and family attorney will alert you when your retainer is on the verge of being depleted.  The lawyer should notify you that either that a new retainer fee is required (typically called an “incremental retainer”) or if invoices are to be paid monthly.

Fixed Fee or Non-Litigation Retainer

During the consultation, some divorce and family attorneys offer one single payment of a fixed or flat fee for specified services.  This allows you to pay only for certain legal services you might need at the time.

For example, I’ve offered flat fee payments to help clients decide whether New Jersey or another state is more appropriate for their divorce and family matter.  Or where clients would best be served by initial legal coaching to facilitate cooperation by their spouses on a custody and parenting time agreement.  Alternatively, we might offer a non-litigation retainer with lower retainer payment, depending on the circumstances and what the client wants to achieve.

Expert Fees

Many divorce and family law matters require outside professionals, such as accountants, real estate appraisers, or actuaries to determine values of certain marital assets.  Generally, you would retain and pay separately for such professionals.

Naturally, each divorce and family lawyer is different and fees often vary depending on the lawyer and nature of the law practice.  That’s why it’s so important to ask lots of questions during your consultation about fees and how you will be billed.

Please call or click here to schedule a personalized consultation.  Receive substantive legal advice and a customized strategy for your divorce or separation.

 

A Divorce Lawyer’s Take on the Most Common Cause of Divorce and the Secret to Staying Together

What causes divorce?  As a divorce lawyer for over 20 years, I am entrusted with the most intimate details of the intensely personal stories of my clients.  And I am honored and humbled by their trust in me to walk beside them.

And to guide them to safety, security, and what I strive to be a better future for them.  I observe and I listen. Because they need me to.

Yet I can’t help but notice that the cause of most divorces is basically the same.  But it’s not the explanation for divorce that clients typically describe:

I met someone else.  Or he met someone else.

He never listens to me.

She criticizes me all the time.

He’s not affectionate.

She argues with everything I say.

He keeps to himself and doesn’t care whether I’m here or not.

We haven’t had sex in months (or years). 

But these are just the symptoms of the real and underlying reason why these marriages fail.

Divorcing spouses have simply stopped talking to each other. For a very long time.

As a result, the marriage has ultimately failed to meet one or both spouse’s needs.

As human beings, we all have the same essential needs:

To be loved and accepted.

To be connected, physically and emotionally.

To be respected.

To be heard and validated.

To be accepted and appreciated.

To be important, needed, and wanted.

So, what can we do to improve our marriages?

How can we get our needs met by the marriage and avoid divorce?

I’m not a therapist. Or a marriage counselor.  So, how would I, a divorce lawyer, know what keeps marriages together?

I just recently came across a book written by James J. Sexton, Esq., a prominent New York divorce lawyer, entitled If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together.

I’ve started reading this book and it’s fascinating how Mr. Sexton describes his keen and practical insights from years of working with divorce clients.  The goal of his book, as he says, “is to help you have a marriage in which the idea of coming to my office would only ever be the most momentary of fantasies when your spouse does something boneheaded.”

What I’ve learned, as well as in my own marriage, is this. The secret to keeping your marriage alive and strong is to give to your spouse what it is that you need.  Because in turn, you’ll begin to see your spouse giving that to you.

For example:

If you want to be loved, give love.

If you want to be respected, show respect.

If you want to be heard and validated, hear and validate your spouse.

If you want to be accepted, needed and wanted, accept your spouse.

Make it clear to your spouse that you appreciate him or her – and be specific.

What I mean by specific is something like “it really meant a lot to me when you [insert meaningful action.]  I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I feel it’s important for you to know how much I appreciate it.”

Generally, for men, however, actions speak louder than words.  So, for a husband, appreciation might be shown, for example, by offering an impromptu shoulder massage when he’s particularly stressed out.

By the way, whether you’re the husband or wife, an added bonus of all this appreciation-showing is this.  Whatever it is you want your spouse to do more of, point out how much you love it when they do it.

Through it all, I believe the most important thing is to always act with self-respect and integrity.   After all:

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. ~Sonya Friedman

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