How to Get 50/50 Child Custody in Your New Jersey Divorce

As a separated or divorcing parent, you might be curious about your chances for “equal” or “50/50” child custody in your New Jersey divorce.

First, it’s important to recognize the huge benefit for parents and kids when divorcing parents reach their own custody and parenting time agreement out of court.

By reaching custody and parenting time agreements out of court, divorcing parents can save much in legal fees.  Perhaps more importantly, they can save their kids from becoming casualties of a litigated custody battle.  Therefore, the best way to share equal child custody with your spouse is generally by reaching a written agreement.

You might view a 50/50 child custody arrangement as the simplest way to maintain close and ongoing contact with the children after the divorce.  But before approaching your spouse with the idea that 50/50 custody is best for your kids, make sure it’s workable.  Here’s how to determine if a 50/50 custody arrangement will work and how to get your spouse on board.

Do your homework.

In New Jersey, there’s been a long time growing trend of “shared” (not necessarily 50/50) physical custody arrangements.  In shared custody arrangments, one parent would be the “Parent of Primary Residence” for the child.  The other would be the “Parent of Alternate Residence.”  Granted, the Parent of Alternate Residence generally enjoys liberal parenting time with the kids.   This type of child custody arrangement, however, is not automatically “50-50.”

To learn the dramatic benefits and how-to’s of shared parenting arrangements, I often suggest to clients they read the ground-breaking classic, Mom’s House, Dad’s House by internationally renowned therapist, family expert and mediator, Isolina Ricci Ph.D.  This book is a great place to start and you can get lots of valuable tips and tools for making two homes work.

How close will you live to your co-parent?

Equal custody arrangements generally work best when both parents live in the same town or relatively near one another.  Otherwise, the logistics of transporting the kids back and forth would be too cumbersome.

Can you commit to productively and civilly communicating with your ex?

With a 50/50 custody schedule, both parents will need to communicate regularly on scheduling, activities and more.  Ongoing arguments between the two of you can have a major negative effect on the kids and outweigh any benefits of a 50/50 custody arrangement.

Would a 50/50 custody arrangement logistically work with everyone’s schedule?

Be able to show your spouse that the arrangement is doable with each parent’s work schedule and the kids’ activities.  Here’s one effective way to do this.

Using a blank pad (or preferably a whiteboard), make a chart with days of the week Monday through Sunday.  Write in the days and times of each activity in which each child participates.  For children in less than a full school day, include those days and times as well.

Next, write in the work schedule for both you and your spouse.  Include the average times each leaves for work and arrives home.  You can also include times for dinners, snacks, or any specific needs of each child.  By viewing everyone’s schedule in black and white, you can see clearly which parent is available to transport the children back and forth to each activity on which days.

Ask and listen.

As with any negotiation, it’s generally best to seek your spouse’s input before offering your own.  Ask your spouse what type of custody arrangement he or she has in mind.  If not 50/50, ask your spouse the reasoning behind the proposed arrangement.  Listen carefully and validate before jumping in with your own arguments.

Using the tools above, you’ll then be able to calmly and rationally show how 50/50 custody arrangement can effectively work best for all of you.

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5 Questions to Ask Before Getting a Divorce that Could Save Your Marriage

The decision to divorce is often made with much frustration, anger, and disappointment.

That’s why it’s important to take a moment to step back from the painful emotions associated with divorce and look at things objectively from a calmer perspective.  Asking yourself the right questions before contacting a lawyer or mediator can help make a divorce more amicable.  It can even save the marriage.

That’s what happened to a former client of mine, now one of my closest friends, who I’ll refer to as Tanya (not her real name).  Tanya and her husband, who we’ll call Jim, ultimately reconciled and are now happily married.  As you’ll see here, asking these 5 questions before getting a divorce can help save the marriage.

1.          Do you still love your spouse?

Beneath the anger and hurt, can you remember why you married your spouse?  Think about what you most loved about your spouse and why you got married in the first place.

Chances are,  your spouse still has those same qualities.   But perhaps you simply stopped noticing beneath the anger, pain, and resentment experienced by both of you, particularly over a long period of time.

2.          Do you and your spouse share the same values?

You might recognize that for all the marital difficulties, you and your spouse are nevertheless on the same page when it comes to important values.  For example, you might both value hard work, self-responsibility, or educating your kids to respect themselves and others.  Having similar values are foundational for any successful relationship.

3.          How can a divorce be handled to minimize harm to the children?

Whether or not you and your spouse ultimately decide to divorce, you will always both be your kids’  parents and in each other’s lives.  Establishing healthy and respectful co-parenting communication early in is essential for your children’s emotional well-being.   It also helps to forge a common bond with your spouse that may even bring you closer.

4.          Have you made your concerns about the relationship clear to your spouse?

We often think we’ve communicated but the other person may not hear things the same way.  Especially when men and women generally communicate very differently.  For more details, check out this post.

My former client, Tanya, discovered she hadn’t been open with Jim with her concerns about the marriage.  Just after she initiated the divorce process,  however, Jim asked her how they had ended up getting a divorce.

For the first time, Tanya told him that for the past 10 years, she felt completely unloved and unappreciated in the marriage.  She felt Jim incessantly criticized and ignored her and she simply couldn’t take it anymore.

She was shocked to learn Jim still loved her and that he always would even after the divorce.  That all the time he worked and fixed up their home was how he showed love by taking care of her.

Tanya had simply never considered this possibility.  For her, to feel Jim loved her, she expected him to say so often and express it, for instance, by holding her hand or initiating a hug or otherwise making their relationship a priority.  This calls to mind the bestselling book by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

In the book, Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how they each both give and receive love. And that it’s possible for couples to truly love each other, but to feel unloved because they have different beliefs about giving and receiving love.  The book is well worth the read for any couple in a marriage or long-term relationship.

5.          Could you have done something differently?

In any event, Tanya and Jim’s talk made Tanya realize that she also had a part in the demise of the marriage.  She acknowledged to Jim that she kept her feelings to herself and emotionally withdrew as her resentment towards him built up.  Jim appreciated her candor and acknowledged his part as well. By each taking responsibility, it allowed them to change course and ultimately save their marriage.

It’s therefore important to take a step back from the emotional turmoil and ask yourself these 5 questions before taking that big step to end the marriage.  Of course,  not every marriage can or perhaps should be saved.  But by objectively asking these questions, what do you have to lose?

To learn more about whether divorce is right for you, or you’re interested in learning more about our marital mediation services, call or click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

Quick Guide to Successful First Offers in Your Business Negotiations

If you’re a business professional or owner, chances are you negotiate often.  Similarly,  as a lawyer for over 25 years, virtually 100% of my cases are settled out of court.  And I’ve learned some key tips along the way that I now share when coaching business clients.  This post offers those tips on making the first offer in negotiations.

Perhaps you’re aware of the widespread assumption that making the first offer is a huge mistake – that you’d risk “showing your cards” too early and leave money on the table.  In reality, however, the opposite is true.  Those who make first offers in business negotiations generally have the advantage and come out ahead.

This is because the first offer “anchors” the direction of the negotiation.  Anchoring is a well-documented cognitive bias.  It describes the human tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information offered when making decisions.   In addition, the first offer influences the other side’s counteroffer against their favor.  You’ll generally want your first offer to be the absolute best terms you can reasonably expect to get.  Here’s how to go about it.

Back it up.

If you’re the seller, for instance, your first offer would be the highest possible figure you can justify.  This means you’ll be able to back up your figure with facts if the other side questions it.

Be prepared

Ideally, before making the first offer, you should have sufficient information about the other side’s willingness to pay and the applicable market trends.  This will avoid your first offer being so aggressive that it drives the other party away.

Knowing a bit about how much the other side is willing to pay will help determine what their best alternative is to this deal and what they will likely pay or accept.   Keep this in mind when crafting your first offer.  Likewise, in making the first offer, it’s important to focus on your ideal outcome (or “target price”) while knowing your bottom line.

Be specific

Make the figure precise instead of offered as a range.  A precise figure is more likely to have an anchoring effect and lead to a less ambitious counteroffer by the other side.

Negotiation really is an art that takes strategic agility and lots of practice.  You can start with the above tips when making the first offer in your next business negotiation and set yourself up for success.  For more tips, check out The Art of Negotiation by Michael Wheeler.

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Six Things Kids Need Most from Divorcing Parents

In every divorce, parents often experience a wide range of emotions. It’s undeniably a tumultuous time.   And your children will likely experience their own emotional turmoil separate from yours.

As a practicing family lawyer for over 20 years,  I’ve also experienced my own parents’ divorce at a young age.  Here are the 6 things kids I’ve found kids need most from divorcing parents:

1.          Assurance that the divorce is not their fault.

It’s very common for kids to personalize their part in the divorce and blame themselves.  For example, your child might believe if only he didn’t misbehave, you wouldn’t be getting a divorce.

It’s essential to let your children know they are not to blame for the divorce.  That you and your spouse made the decision and believe it’s best for the family.

2.          To know their feelings are perfectly okay.

Kids need to know that however they might be feeling from one moment to the next is natural.  It’s important to assure them they can tell you whatever is on their minds.

It might be difficult to hear if your child blames you, for instance, or lashes out at you.  It’s important not to take it personally.  It’s even more important not to respond defensively.  It’s generally best to simply listen to your child and lend a supportive and non-judgmental ear.

3.          Assurance that both parents will always love them.

Younger children, in particular, might worry if they do something bad or you get mad at them, you’ll stop loving them and perhaps even leave them too.  So, it’s very important to reassure your children you will both always be their parents and always love them.

4.          Safety and Security.

All children generally thrive on consistency, structure, and routine.  So, when parents are divorcing, all of a sudden, things become unpredictable and scary.

Therefore, it’s important to figure out right away with your spouse how often and when the kids will be spending time with each parent.  The more details you can give them, the better they’re likely to feel.  In the meantime, make sure their daily routines stay as normal as possible.  Now more than ever, kids need structure at a time when things seem to be falling apart.

5.          To be kids.

Kids need to be insulated as much as possible from “adult” matters between you and your spouse.  It’s important not to talk to them about how angry you might be with your spouse or the legal details about the divorce.

They especially need to be spared from a role of supporting you emotionally.  Kids need to be given the freedom to just be kids.  So they can focus on navigating their own developmental stages.

6.          To see light at the end of the tunnel.

Kids need to know that divorce is not completely a bad thing.  That things can and will eventually be better.

As your kids gradually accept the reality of divorce, they need to be included in your plans.  For example, you might talk to them about their new room in your home and allow them to decorate it.  You might take cues from what they might become excited about as they accept how their lives will begin to change.

Difficult though it can be when going through a divorce, knowing your kids have what they need can help ease the transition for everyone.

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4 Simple Ways to Teach Your Kids Key Communication Skills this Summer

School may be out – but there are plenty of opportunities for kids to learn how to effectively interact with others.  Interpersonal communication is an essential life skill.

Solid communication skills are the foundation for success.  Not just in the working world, but perhaps more importantly, good communication skills allow our kids to develop close and rewarding personal relationships and confidence.  As a  family lawyer, mediator, legal coach, and consultant, I am all about good communication.

I love my work advising individuals, families, and organizational leaders on communication techniques and strategies to foster agreements while strengthening interpersonal relationships.  My most important role, however, is as a mom to two teenagers.

These days, kids are spending exorbitant amounts of time on their electronic devices.  Texting and social media posting have not just become commonplace.  It’s the norm.  And like many other parents I talk to about this, I’m really concerned that kids, including mine, are losing the ability to effectively and meaningfully interact with others.

I love this article published in The Atlantic, written by Paul Barnwell, writer, and former middle and high school English teacher titled “My Students Don’t Know How to Have a Conversation.”  Barnwell notes that “students’ reliance on screens for communication is detracting—and distracting—from their engagement in real-time talk.”

Essential communication skills include empathy, conversation skills, like basic give and take, listening,  and resolving interpersonal conflicts.  Yet I’m often amazed at the substantive “conversations” my teens have over text.  Things that really should take place in person – or at least by the minimally used “phone” feature of their iPhones.

Let’s face it, in the real world, we need to interact with other people.  People whose opinions, views and ideas often differ from our own.  And texting is not a substitute for meaningful conversations, social interaction, and non-verbal communication like body language, tone of voice, and eye contact.  With all this technology, there is a real need for kids to learn face-to-face skills now more than ever.  Because good communication takes time to become a habit.

For kids and adults alike, knowing how to communicate and ask for what we need leads to greater self-efficacy.  Self-efficacy measures our belief in our ability to achieve something.  In fact, higher self-efficacy invariably leads to less violence and bullying and higher emotional intelligence levels and overall happiness.

Children are eager to learn from their parents.  Whether or not they want to admit it.  Especially, when they’re younger, before they start observing their peers, they look to parents to guide them.  It’s therefore important to teach our kids people skills so they can develop positive and meaningful relationships and succeed in their careers.

So, how can we teach our kids how to interact and effectively communicate with others?  Even when we might often struggle with our own communication difficulties?

Here are 4 simple yet effective ways to teach effective interpersonal communication skills to our kids:

1.          Allow kids to speak for themselves.

We might be tempted to speak on our kids’ behalf, especially when they’re younger.  We might call another parent to arrange a playdate.  Or order food for them at a restaurant.  But the sooner they start having their own conversations, the faster they’ll learn essential people skills. And become more confident.

When my daughter was 15, I gave her the opportunity to call and order takeout.  She was extremely anxious at the thought of making an actual phone call.  But I guided her through.  And afterward, I noticed her feeling of accomplishment and increased confidence.

2.          Model effective social interactions.

Kids learn so much by observing how their parents interact with others.  If you and your spouse disagree in front of your children, try and work through it productively.  Show respect for your spouse’s point of view while expressing your own.  Likewise, if your child sees you looking at your phone while having a conversation with someone, they will learn that’s acceptable.  When we make a mistake, we might explain to our child what we did wrong and what we’d do differently next time.

3.          Teach them how to listen effectively.

The ability to listen to what others are saying is a key communication skill.  You might periodically ask your child to repeat back what you said.

Show them how to read body language and “read between the lines” of what’s being said by another person.  Teach them to pay attention to eye contact, tone of voice, and facial expressions.  Studies have shown that such body language comprises roughly 70% of all communication.

4.          Teach them to resolve conflicts.

Resolving conflicts effectively takes skill – and lots of practice.  The first thing to teach kids is empathy – putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  For instance, if siblings are fighting, you might step in and ask each of them how the other might feel in that situation.  We might also help kids brainstorm ways to resolve problems with peers.  It’s also important to help our kids learn to recognize when they’re at fault.  And how to offer a sincere apology.

Our kids look to us for how to show up in the world around them.  Teaching them how to relate and get along with others is an incredible gift to them.  When our kids know how to communicate well, they’ll be equipped to move onto a successful future that they can embrace with confidence.

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