What You Wish You Knew Before Going to Family Court

All too often, separated and divorced spouses find themselves steeped in legal fees that can range well into the tens of thousands of dollars with no end in sight.

And even then, They’re often no closer to a divorce or a post-divorce court decision (on terminating alimony, modifying child support and/or paying for college or other child expenses).

If you’re separated or divorced ( or even involved in a civil or commercial case) and want to avoid a costly legal battle, this article will tell you what you need to know first.

The Real Costs of Going to Court

As a practicing lawyer for over 25 years, I’ve seen there’s much no one will tell you (including many lawyers) about what you will pay for when you go to family court until it’s too late.  After credit cards and other debts have been run up to pay for mounting legal fees.  Certainly, that money could be much better used towards your kids’ college or retirement.

For starters, there’s the complaint and answer to be filed with the court.  There might also be pretrial motions if certain custody or financial issues are not resolved by settlement.

There are often discovery demands for piles of financial and other documents, subpoenas and reviewing all the documents.  I’ve often received huge discovery demands from other lawyers generated from “standard” templates when all that’s really necessary is knowing what we need to find out and what’s the best quickest least costly way to get it.

After discovery,  there are often mandatory court appearances for settlement conferences ( which can last much of the day).   If a trial date is set, the lawyers would have much work to do for which they’d need to be paid. This includes preparing trial memos, pre-marking extensive documents in triplicate in trial binders, and spending hours preparing testimony.

There’s also the likelihood of trial dates being scheduled intermittently over the course of several months, and the attorneys might need to order transcripts to refresh their memory of where and how the trial left off.  And there’s no telling how a particular judge would ultimately decide.

Unfortunately, the fees for the court process are generally not related to what you want to achieve.  Likewise, they don’t justify the outcome to be attained.  Especially when the vast majority of cases are ultimately settled out of court.

What You Can Do Instead

Going to court should only be a last resort.   Therefore, it’s essential to choose a lawyer who shares your desire to stay out of court.  A lawyer who has the necessary skills and experience to successfully settle your case.

Consider Mediation

A good mediator can also save much on legal fees and help you successfully settle out of court.  For more information on how mediation works, check out this post.

Have more questions?  Click here or simply call.  I’m happy to help!  Or share this post with others who might find it helpful. 

The Secret to Successfully Reaching Agreements and Getting What You Want

Conflicts and disputes are a way of life.  We simply can’t avoid them.  Especially with the people closest to us like family, friends, and coworkers.

So, when disputes inevitably arise, how can we resolve them while maintaining our important relationships?

For ex-spouses with children, it’s particularly important for the children’s well-being to reach successful agreements in the face of emotionally driven conflict.

And legal fees can run sky high when parents end up in court.  As a settlement-focused lawyer, my end game is to bring people together with successful agreements and keep them out of costly litigation.  One recent case, in particular, reveals this secret to successfully reaching agreements and get what you want.

When my client first came to see me (I’ll call her Sarah), she was at her wits’ end.  Her ex-husband, Rob, refused to help pay for college for their 18-year-old daughter, Amy.  According to Sarah, Rob claimed he was already paying child support.  And he gave Sarah a hard time about even that nominal amount that barely covered Amy’s expenses.

In New Jersey, divorced parents are legally obligated to contribute to their children’s college education costs, Sarah’s divorce agreement neglected to provide how college costs for their daughter would be paid.

Sarah explained that Rob owned and operated a successful chain of local restaurants, while their daughter had to miss out on attending the four-year out-of-state college she really wanted.  Amy had just started her first semester at the local county community college.  Sarah had paid for all of Amy’s standardized test preparation courses, private tutoring instruction and county college tuition, and books and school supplies for the first semester.

Sarah was livid.  She and Rob had largely been estranged since their bitter divorce 10 years ago.  And she was convinced he was the same selfish self-centered man who chose to spend his money on girlfriends and luxury cars instead of on his daughter.

Sarah wanted me to file a motion with the court and ask that Rob be compelled to contribute to their daughter’s college costs.  She hoped that if she was successful, Amy would be able to transfer to the four-year out of state college where she’d been previously been accepted.

I explained to Sarah that filing a motion could easily cost tens of thousands of dollars.  And there was no telling how a judge would decide.  More than likely, the court would order extensive exchange of financial documentation and a hearing with testimony before making a decision.

So, Sarah and I talked about how she and Rob might be able to come to an agreement out of court.  She insisted there was no talking to Rob.  According to Sarah, he does what he wants when he wants and refuses to listen to her,  even when it came to their daughter.  With Sarah’s permission, however, I reached out to Rob.  He chose not to hire his own lawyer and spoke with me directly.

I was committed to reaching a favorable out of court settlement for Sarah.  So, I listened to Rob and viewed things from his perspective.  He couldn’t understand why Sarah accused him of not supporting their daughter.  He explained that he had bought Amy a new car, but Sarah forced him to return it because Amy had  Sarah’s car to drive.  He’d also bought Amy a new MacBook and iPhone and paid for expensive acting classes in the city she wanted.

Yet Rob learned from Amy that Sarah  often referred to him as “The deadbeat.”  Rob hadn’t seen Amy in months and rarely spoke with her.  He blamed Sarah for the poor relationship he had with his daughter.  According to Rob,  he got “no respect or appreciation.”  As he put it, “whenever I try to do anything for my daughter, I get punched in the nose.”

Despite what Sarah said, he added, he wanted his daughter to have a good college education.  Especially since he didn’t have the chance to go to college.  But he felt repeatedly shut out by Sarah who single-handedly made all the decisions when it came to their daughter’s education.  It was clear from speaking with Rob that he loved his daughter and cared very much about her.

Even though I’d made it clear to Rob that I represented Sarah, by listening to him and validating his frustrations, I was able to gain his trust.  I encouraged Sarah to follow suit.  I coached her on how she might give Rob the respect and appreciation he was clearly looking for.  Not so much for Rob,  but for herself, and most importantly for their daughter.

Sarah began to encourage Amy to call and see her father.  She also invited him to visit the college that Amy wanted to attend.   Ultimately, Rob agreed to pay all college expenses at the four-year school where Amy had been accepted.  He also agreed to reimburse Sarah for the college expenses she’d paid so far. And Rob’s relationship with his daughter improved to the point where they were speaking and seeing each other regularly.

So, the secret to successfully reaching agreements and getting what you want?  Give the other person what they need and in turn, you will get what you need.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it when you get out from under crushing resentment and enjoy closer, more rewarding relationships.

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Dating while Separated? What You Need to Know First…

You’ve decided to get a divorce.  You’re starting to think about moving on.  You might start noticing other people and begin to think about dating.  Before taking that step, however, you need to know the potential consequences on the divorce.

There is no “legal separation” in New Jersey.

Unlike some other states, New Jersey law does not recognize “legal separation.”  So, even though you might be separated, you’re still legally married until the court enters a Judgment of Divorce.

Potential legal pitfalls

If you’re separated from your spouse, before dating, consider these 3 potential adverse legal consequences on the divorce.

1.     Increased legal fees

Once you start dating, your spouse might become jealous or resentful.   This can decrease your chances of reaching an amicable divorce agreement and significantly increase the cost of legal fees in divorce.

2.     Effect on parenting time

The character of dating partners you might bring in contact with your children could negatively impact parenting time arrangements.   For instance,  if a dating partner poses an unreasonable risk of physical or emotional harm to the children, your spouse could make an application to the court to restrict that dating partner around the children.

3.     Potential consequences for alimony

Dating while separated could adversely affect your legal right to receive post-divorce alimony from your spouse.  Specifically, under current New Jersey alimony law, you might not be entitled to receive alimony if you are “cohabitating” with a significant other.  Significantly, a couple does not need to be living together on a full-time basis to be considered “cohabitating.”  For more on alimony and cohabitation in New Jersey, read this post.

Before you decide to start dating

Here are two things to do before actively seeking out new dating partners while separated:

1.          Make sure it’s really over.

Before dating, be sure you really want to end the marriage.  If you think you might want to reconcile, have a meaningful talk with your spouse.  And if you and your spouse are in counseling together, it’s generally best not to date others until you’ve come to a final decision about the marriage.

2.          What’s motivating you?

It’s common to feel hurt or angry when you’re separated.  You might ask yourself why you want to start dating again.  Be sure you’re not looking to date to fill a void left by the loss of the marriage or to hurt your spouse.  You could make matters worse by jumping too quickly into a rebound relationship.

If you decide to start dating 

Below are some general guidelines if you do decide to start dating while separated:

Use discretion.

If your spouse is having difficulty dealing with the divorce, it’s probably a good idea not to publicize your dating life.  Again, this could negatively affect the chances of reaching an amicable divorce agreement and add to legal fees.

How will your children react?

Separation and divorce are significant changes in any child’s life.   Regardless of age, children are likely to resist their parents dating soon after a separation.  Children typically need time to absorb, digest, and eventually adjust to such a major change in their family life.  It’s important to freely allow children to voice their concerns and emotions.  For more about when to introduce a new dating partner to your children, read this post.

Bottom line?   Before you start dating, consult with a New Jersey divorce lawyer to find out the potential implications and your options.  Click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

How to Win an Argument – and Save Your Relationship

It’s inevitable.  You find yourself in the midst of an argument with a loved one or other important relationship.  A typical argument with your spouse might go something like this.

You get home after a trying day of work.  You look forward to plopping yourself on the couch to unwind.  But instead, your spouse comes at you with “you forgot to take out the garbage again last night.  With all I have to do around here, the last thing I need is to take over anything else. You had ONE JOB.  Good thing I thought to check this morning.  I had to waste my time rushing around and do it before the garbage man came. YOU’RE WELCOME!”

Or perhaps your mother left you a voicemail a few days ago.  She wanted to know how your son’s school play went.  You finally sit down to call her back.  Only to hear “you’re impossible to get a hold of!  You NEVER call back – how am I supposed to find out how my grandchildren are doing??  You could try calling me once in a while.”  

Yikes!  What to do next? (Besides head for the hills…)

First and foremost, be aware that lashing back defensively in any argument would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.  The ability to stay calm in the face of a verbal attack does not come naturally to us.  But fortunately, it’s a skill that can be learned.  And it can save your relationship – with your spouse, child, parent, or close friend.

When we are attacked verbally, our brain reacts the same as if there is a gun pointed at us.   According to this article published in The Science Explorer, we immediately dive into a “fight-or-flight” state.  Our brain secretes hormones, including cortisol and adrenaline, that instruct your nervous system to prepare your body for drastic measures — breath shortens, blood flows the muscles, and peripheral vision disappears.  This fight-or-flight reaction can literally “hijack” your voice of reason.  It’s in this state (otherwise known as losing your sh*t), you’re likely to blurt out things you might later regret.

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, I’ve seen many divorces result from spouses interacting with one another like this for an extended period of time.  Over time, resentment builds up until one or both spouses can’t stand being together any longer.  Here’s how to win an argument without raising your voice by keeping your cool.

Look at what’s really going on.

It usually helps to remember that people spouting off generally don’t mean what they’re actually saying.  They’re just upset.   According to attorney and mediator in Clovis, California, Doug Noll, “the number 1 best way to not become triggered is to ignore the words.  No matter how insulting, disrespectful, or threatening the other person is, ignore what they are saying.”

Ironically, when your spouse or someone in an important relationship with you launches into a verbal attack, what they really want is more of your attention.  According to Suzette Haden Elgin, author of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, verbal attackers are “like little kids desperate for attention and know that throwing hostile language at you will get your attention.”

This actually makes sense.  For instance, notice the times when our spouse typically picks a fight with you.  Is it often at times you haven’t been home lately or have been preoccupied?  Once you see what’s really going on, next time you find yourself a target, you can consciously summon up compassion by noting the desperation for attention and that this is the best the person can do right now.

Figure out what sets you off.

We all have what psychologists call emotional “triggers.”  Triggers are strong negative emotions that activate our flight or fight response.  They are unique to each person.  For example, when feeling left out or being ignored.  Knowing what sets you off will give you a leg up in an argument and help you keep your cool.

Another tip I’ve personally found extremely effective in short-circuiting the fight-or-flight response.  Practice simply observing your thoughts and feelings as if you were an outside observer.  Chances are your emotional reaction will quickly dissipate.

Pause and breathe.

Stop and say nothing and take two or three deep, slow breaths.  This sends a signal to your body that a fight-or-flight reaction is not necessary.  Change your body language position to neutral or friendly.  The physical change also helps calm the emotional reaction.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to such emotional triggers in the future.  I’ve personally experienced this myself.

Choose your words.

It’s important to never tell the other person to calm down. Instead, focus on speaking calmly.  Staying calm makes it more likely the other person will calm down as well.

If you jump in to correct the person or argue your case, they’ll only dig in more that they’re right.  Instead, you can neutralize an angry tirade with something like “I hear you” or “I can certainly understand that.”  Follow up with “and” not “but” – anything that comes after the “but” will be all they hear.   For example, you might say “I hear you and I want to make sure I hear you correctly.”

If you need to interrupt a particularly long-winded verbal attack, do so with tact.  To effectively interrupt, you might try simply raising your hands slightly while saying “hang on” or “just a second.”  Follow it up with “I want to make sure I heard you right” or “I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying.”  Then paraphrase what you heard and ask if you got it right.  This can be an extremely effective way to gain the other person’s trust.

When you cultivate this skill with practice until it becomes a habit, you’ll be able to stay cool and win an argument every time.  And whether at home, in business, or at work, relationships will flourish.

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