Seven Ways to Feel Grateful for Difficult Family Members this Thanksgiving

The Thanksgiving holiday is traditionally when we celebrate all that we’re thankful for.  It’s also a holiday often spent with family members.

But what if certain family members leave us feeling anything but thankful?  We don’t have to let difficult family members get in the way of an enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday.

After all, every challenging relationship is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and to grow.  It might be the need to communicate better, to set boundaries, or simply to show gratitude so we can feel grateful.   We don’t have to leave our feelings to chance.  We can act first in order to feel.

Below are 7 actions we can take to  feel grateful for difficult family members this Thanksgiving:

1. Listen intently to what they have to say to see where they’re coming from. Refrain from thinking of a rebuttal in the meantime.
2. Point out something you admire about them and offer a genuine compliment.
3. Recognize they are doing the best they can.  When you do, it’s often easier to let go of anger and resentment.
4. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference for you.
5. Do something small but thoughtful for them.
6. Give them a gift you think they would appreciate or enjoy.
7. If you’re having a “Friendsgiving” with close friends instead of difficult family members, be thankful for that opportunity.

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The Surprising Scoop on Mediation that Everyone Should Know

While you might have heard of mediation, very little is known to the public about what mediation really is and the many ways it can be used to derail the high cost of conflict.

This post gives you the lowdown on mediation – the surprising scoop and its many benefits that everyone should know.

As most lawsuits settle before the judge decides, litigants are increasingly turning to mediation to resolve their disputes.  But contrary to common belief, mediation is not just for parties to court proceedings.

What is mediation?

Mediation is a confidential, non-binding process for resolving conflicts between two or more people.  It is a structured negotiating process facilitated by a neutral third party.

Mediation is often confused with arbitration, which is a private substitute for court litigation where an arbitrator makes legally binding decisions like a judge.

In contrast, the mediator has no authority to make decisions for the parties and cannot give legal advice.  Mediation allows the parties to create their own unique solutions.  As a result, parties are generally more satisfied with the solutions reached.

Likewise, mediation does not focus on who is right and who is wrong.   It focuses on forward-thinking and creating unique solutions.

Who is mediation for?

Since mediation is a conflict resolution process, anyone involved in a conflict can benefit.  “Conflict” can be defined best as a clash of differing viewpoints, values, opinions, needs, or interests that causes ongoing resentment or hostility between those involved.

After all, as human beings, we interpret interactions, situations, and events according to our own set of personal experiences and beliefs. And our interpretations about events (not the event itself) that create our feelings.  So, it’s those differing interpretations that often clash and create conflict.

Depending on the nature of a given conflict, the consequences can be seriously costly, and not just in terms of dollars.  For instance, conflicts in business and the workplace can cost significant time, money and productivity, and employee engagement.

When conflict reaches the point where lawyers are hired, financial costs can skyrocket.  And it’s not just lawyers’ fees that add up.  Steep settlements can eat into a company’s profits.

In our personal lives, it can cost important relationships and even our health.  This article explains how we can become more susceptible to illnesses, chronic pain, and depression as a result of conflict.

Conflicts can arise with anyone – with those we have relationships with, like spouses and family members, or in the workplace or between business leaders.

Many Types of Mediation

Mediation can be used to resolve a wide variety of interpersonal conflicts.  Specific types of mediation include the following:

1.   Family mediation.  Emotions often run high in families. And family dynamics often play a key role in how family members relate to one another.  Family mediation can help to can bring loved ones together rather than tear them further apart.

2.   Marital Mediation.  For couples experiencing difficulties in their marriage, marital mediation helps them understand the source of conflict and see a positive future for the marriage.  Very often, lack of communication or poor communication is the root cause of why marriages break up.  Through marital mediation, couples can learn the skills essential for successful marriages.  To find out more, click here.

3.   Divorce Mediation.  Divorcing spouses often use mediation to resolve such matters as child custody, child support, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts so that a divorce agreement can be drafted and signed.  To find out more, click here.

4.   Workplace Mediation.  Mediation can be used to resolve interpersonal disputes in the work environment.  These can include, for example, manager/staff difficulties; difficulties arising from organizational change, or allegations of harassment or bullying.

5.   Business and Shareholder Dispute Mediation.  Emotionally charged conflicts between shareholders, LLC members, or partners are common because much is often invested in the business relationship.  And businesses are increasingly mediating complex business disputes before filing a lawsuit.

Business disputes can involve claims of breach of fiduciary duty, conflicts over buyout terms, executive compensation, and rights to company dividends.  And business attorneys are ethically precluded from handling conflicts between individual business owners because they represent the company as a whole.  Mediation can also be used to resolve supplier disputes, for example, related to defective products or services.

6.   Family Business Mediation.  Family businesses often involve unique challenges and potential for conflict.  Disputes can arise over the control or operation of the business, family alliances and sibling rivalries, or friction when it comes to promotions and succession.  When conflict in family business escalates, family members can find themselves questioning whether the health of both business and family can be maintained.  Family business mediation can help family business members to take charge of conflict and experience peace of mind and increased productivity.

The above are just some examples of the many often overlooked conflicts mediation can resolve.  And it’s important to select the right mediator with the experience and skillsets needed.

In any event, whenever you are experiencing the many negative consequences of unresolved conflict, consider mediation to bring creativity and peace to your important relationships.

Don’t find fault, find a remedy.–Henry Ford

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Three Tips to Successfully Sidestep Family Drama this Holiday Season

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, you might expect to spend more time with family.  And with certain family members, it might be more time than you’d prefer.

While the holidays are often portrayed in the media as a joyous time lovingly shared with close-knit families, reality can be anything but.  There are the obligatory family gatherings with all the usual suspects.  They might include The Political Ranter, The Drama Queen (or King), The Gossiper, or Mr. or Mrs. No-Filter.

And when you mix in freely flowing alcoholic beverages to the party… yikes!  The 3 tips below can help you successfully sidestep family drama this holiday season.

1.          Accept what (or who) you cannot change.

It’s important not to hold difficult family members to the same standards you have.  After all, if they acted the way you feel they should, they wouldn’t be “difficult.”  Instead, let go of any expectations you have that they will act differently.

2.         Change the things you can.

As much as we may want certain family members to be different than they are, they simply won’t change.  But fortunately, we can change how we see them.  So, instead of focusing on how annoying your brother is when he takes his inevitable jabs at you, think of the qualities you like about him.   Likewise, before your next family gathering, set an intention to enjoy the holiday and expect positive family interactions.

3.          Don’t Engage.

Every one of us wants and needs to feel heard and appreciated.  But not everyone knows how to express themselves in positive ways.  If a family member makes a snide remark at you, for example, recognize that lashing back defensively is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Instead, it often helps to stop, say nothing, and take two or three deep, slow breaths.  Once you’ve calmed down, you can offer up a rational response.  For instance, one way to neutralize someone’s angry remark is with “I hear you.”

I’m not saying it will be easy.  But with focus and practice, it will become a habit.  At the same time, focus your energies on family members who love and respect you and want to be with you.  Ultimately, with patience, practice, and focus, your holiday family gatherings can become peaceful and relaxing occasions to look forward to.

To learn more about how to improve your family relationships with family mediation or family coaching, contact us or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.  In the meantime, sign up to subscribe to our newsletter of weekly blog posts and you’ll never miss a post.

Three Ways to Decide Custody and Parenting Time in Your New Jersey Divorce

If you have kids and are separated from your spouse or considering divorce, this post is for you.   Generally, before resolving the finances of your divorce, such as alimony or division of marital assets, custody and parenting time arrangements will need to be made for your children.  These arrangements are typically finalized in a written legal document obtained in the following 3 ways.

1.          Mutual agreement

In New Jersey, the vast majority of divorcing parents enter into a written agreement with respect to custody and parenting time without going to court. And it’s generally much better for children when divorcing parents agree on these arrangements without involving the court.  It’s also generally far less expensive.

Ideally, you and your spouse can agree directly on custody and parenting time for your kids.  Generally, at a minimum, decisions typically include: (1) where your kids will physically reside more than 50% of the time; (2) how you will each share parenting time with the children (including holidays and vacations); and (3) how you will share major decisions for the children’s health, education, and general welfare.  For more details, check out this post.

The lawyer representing you or your spouse can simply draft a custody and parenting time agreement that you both sign.  The signed agreement can simply be attached and incorporated into your divorce agreement.

2.          Custody and parenting time mediation

Generally, one spouse initiates a divorce action by filing a Complaint for Divorce with the court and the other spouse files an “Answer.”  Thereafter, the court will typically schedule you and your spouse to attend custody and parenting time mediation together with the court mediator.   Both spouses meet with the court mediator at that time.  The mediator helps you agree on significant matters relating to the custody and parenting time of your child.

These matters typically include how major decisions will be made regarding the child’s health, education, and general welfare; where the child will primarily reside; parenting time schedule,  including holidays and vacations;  and how any future custody and parenting time disagreements will be resolved.

If you and your spouse reach agreement in custody and parenting time mediation, the court mediator typically drafts a Memorandum of Understanding (“MOU”).  An MOU is a written non-binding agreement.

The mediator typically sends the MOU to each lawyer to review.  If there are no changes, MOU is typically forwarded to the assigned judge to enter it as a court order.

Sometimes, however, your lawyer might advise additional provisions in the MOU before making it binding.  These might include, for instance, parent authorizations for any illnesses or accidents, surgery, hospitalization, or summer camp; parents’ presence at school and other events and activities; parenting time during school breaks; or how to address when significant others enter the picture.

When you and your spouse agree on any such revisions, either lawyer might draft a legal document called a “Consent Order.”  This is typically signed by both spouses and lawyers and sent to the court and entered as a binding court order.

3.          Custody and parenting time decided by the court

If you and your spouse are unable to reach a custody and parenting time agreement in mediation or with the help of attorneys, the court will generally designate a forensic psychologist to undertake an extensive child custody evaluation.  This process is generally far more time consuming and costly.  Perhaps most importantly, children are much more likely to experience adverse emotional difficulties.

The child custody evaluation generally involves psychological testing of each parent, multiple interviews with each parent separately and with the child and any additional relevant interviews or documentation.

The child custody evaluator will typically generate a report to the judge hearing the case. This report will include all of their findings and recommendations regarding how custody should be awarded.

In the event of a custody trial, the Court will determine a custodial arrangement based on “the best interests of the child.”  In determining the custodial arrangement in the child’s best interests, the Court must consider a variety of factors enumerated by New Jersey law, which you can find here.

Conclusion

Out-of-court custody and parenting time agreements are generally the far better option than deferring to the Court.  In general, not only are the financial and emotional costs significantly reduced, as parents, you and your spouse are best suited to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangements for your kids.

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