How To Dramatically Transform All Your Relationships In The New Year and Beyond

I have to admit, during the holidays, I’m a sucker for those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. The ones that portray loved ones gathered around a roaring fire or baking cookies in a warm home expressing warm fuzzy feelings to each other.

Ironically, I can’t help but notice the stark contrast of this image with today’s reality.  Tune in to any major news channel and we become instantly bombarded with expressions of hate and violence that appear to now be more commonplace than rare exceptions.  It’s no wonder our current culture has become pervaded by mistrust, skepticism, and suspicion.

Sadly, it appears we’ve surrendered to becoming divided and separate from one another.  Which is ironic because we, as human beings, crave social connection and a deep basic need to be heard and understood.

As  Brené Brown Ph.D., author of her latest bestseller, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, describes in this article, “we’re in a spiritual crisis:”

We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away from one another and toward blame and rage. We’re lonely and untethered.  And scared. … If I had to identify one core variable that magnifies our compulsion to sort ourselves into factions while at the same time cutting ourselves off from real connection with other people, my answer would be fear. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of the pain of disconnection. Fear of criticism and failure. Fear of conflict. Fear of not measuring up. When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes.

According to Brown, “the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection:”

If we’re going to change what is happening in a meaningful way,  we’re going to need to be intentionally with people who are different from us and learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.

And here’s something important to remember.  Each and every one of us has the ability to make an impact each and every day.   Whether we choose to make an inconsiderate comment or a kind gesture – we have the power in each moment to choose connection.

So, what exactly can we do to create and sustain close satisfying relationships?  Not only with the people who matter most to us – our spouses, kids, and extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues – but with anyone, at any time, anywhere?

Based on my decades-long experience in negotiation, advocacy, and mediation, and intensive study of human behavior and interpersonal communication, what became crystal clear is this.  We create and maintain close interpersonal relationships by really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.

The importance of effective communication cannot be overstated.  It determines the success of the outcome.  It can make or break a relationship in an instant.  It can be used to persuade, empathize, advocate, negotiate, inspire – but only when combined with effective listening and learning the other person’s point of view.

Here are 4 ways to set the stage now for successful relationships in the New Year and coming decade:

1.          Just Do It.

Begin to notice the things you admire or appreciate about the important people in your life.  And here comes the scary part.  Take a deep breath and tell them specifically what you admire or appreciate.  So many times, we leave things unsaid because “it’s easier” than the unknown reaction.  Yet these very things that have the power to dramatically transform a relationship.  Here are some examples that might get you started.

2.          Don’t Assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume another person’s intentions and motivations.  I’m certainly guilty of this.  I’ve often believed it was the other person who was wrong.

But I like to use a saying I once heard on an episode of the old sitcom The Odd Couple (I’m dating myself now…).  The one where Felix uses a whiteboard to show that when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.  Instead, start by asking yourself “what don’t I know about his person’s motivation, intention, reasoning, and feelings?”

3.          Really listen.

“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.” — Alan Alda.

All humans have a deep, primal need to be heard and understood.  When we can listen with a willingness to be changed by what we hear, our relationships will become dramatically stronger.

In a conversation, when I start to notice my own biases and judgments showing up, I’ve learned to put on the brakes and remind myself to listen with the intent to learn and connect, rather than to blindly inform.

4.          Communicate Intentionally.

Every word we say has significance.  Likewise, every facial expression, gesture, body posture conveys a message.  So, before responding, you might visualize as if you were the other person – what would you think and feel from that vantage point?

It also helps to match the other person’s speaking style and vocabulary.  Take their lead on the words they use so your response arises naturally.  Sync up your body language.  For example, lean in, make eye contact, nod, and say “yes.”

When asking questions to learn where the other person is coming from, it’s generally best to use “how” and “what,” not “why.”   The word “why” tends to immediately put the other person on the defensive with a need to justify their words and feelings.

When we start to communicate with a real understanding of another’s viewpoint, with genuine curiosity, respect and compassion, each and every relationship becomes stronger and more rewarding.  And we can achieve any important outcome when we engage, inspire and connect powerfully with others.

Best of luck and I’d love to hear your feedback!  

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Wishing you the very best of holidays and a Happy and healthy New Year!

Four Ways To Win Your Negotiation When The Relationship Is Important

We negotiate all the time with people we see on a regular basis – and with whom we have an ongoing relationship that’s important to maintain.

Negotiation is essentially the process of reaching agreements.  In business, it might be with business partners, vendors, investors, and employees.  At home, it might be with your spouse – from whether to go out or stay in, or whether to stay together.  Or with your kids – from whether to buy the new toy or the new car.

It’s no secret that knowing how to negotiate skillfully and effectively is essential for business success.  It also helps to create good parenting, healthy relationships with our children, and a stronger marriage.

So how can you get what you want from in your negotiations without “upsetting the apple cart” in your relationships?  Try these four “winning” ways.

1.          Listen to really understand.

The other person’s point of view can look very different than yours.  That’s because we each interpret things differently according to our particular personal experiences and beliefs.

According to the Harvard Law School, Program on Negotiation, even if you have decided to make the first offer and are ready with a number of alternatives, you should always open by asking and listening to assess your counterpart’s interests.  And the more you can learn about what the other person needs or wants, the better your position in the negotiation.

Assuming you know what they want can easily derail any negotiation.  The worst negotiators I’ve encountered in over 25 years practicing law are the ones who dominate the negotiation and continuously argue the merits of their position.

Instead, begin by asking open-ended questions and listen very carefully.  Listen to the words as well as tone, body language and by reading between the lines.  You can really learn a lot about the other person by focusing on the context instead of the content of what they’re saying.  Do they appear angry, frustrated, or scared?  This will help you manage your own emotions by staying focused.

Likewise, when the other person sees that you understand where they’re coming from, they’re more likely to trust you.  People are generally more likely to accept suggestions and do business with those they know, like, and trust.

2.          Keep the negotiations respectful.

Particularly when negotiating a business transaction that requires ongoing involvement or with someone you’d like to do business with again, it’s key to be respectful and collaborative.  The negotiation is far more likely to be successful than if you come across as insulting or abusive.

By the same token, according to established social science research, people tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions.  Therefore, if we cooperate with others and treat them with respect, they’re likely to respond in kind.

3.          Ask for something in return for a concession.

It’s important to avoid continually conceding, or giving in, to what the other person wants.  Otherwise, the other person will just keep asking for more unreasonable things and know that you’ll eventually give in.   So, if you give in on a point, make sure to ask for something in return.

4.          Put it in writing.

You can keep the momentum going by putting agreed upon key terms in writing.  This will also help secure the other person’s commitment. 

Conclusion

These straightforward strategies can make a big difference in the outcome of your negotiations – with your relationships not only intact, but better.

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Four Important Tips for Navigating the Holidays with Kids When You’re Separated or Divorced

No doubt about it – divorce is difficult as it is.  And during the holidays, it can be downright brutal.  Especially when you have kids who need you.

If you’re divorced, it’s likely you already have a custody and parenting time arrangement spelled out in your divorce agreement.

If you’re separated, you can have your lawyer draft up a custody and parenting time agreement.

In any case, it’s important for kids that you and your ex lay out even a general plan for where and how the kids will spend the holidays.  Below are 4 important tips for navigating the holidays with kids when you’re separated or divorced:

1.          Stick to tradition as much as possible.

For example, if you typically hosted Christmas dinner, you might consider continuing this tradition and keeping a home-base for your children.  One option might be having your children spend the main holiday meal with one parent and share dessert or brunch with the other parent.  Or if your ex’s family traditionally hosts Christmas Eve dinner and yours typically hosts Christmas Day, you can arrange for the kids to continue to share the holidays the same way.

2.          Don’t leave holiday plans up to the kids.

Depending on their ages, it can be a big burden for them.  It’s common for kids to feel guilty leaving one parent alone.  Therefore, it’s generally best if you and your ex together decide how the kids will spend the holidays.  That would give them much needed structure and stability, especially in the midst of this family transition.

3.          Allocate time during the holiday school break.

School-age kids are typically off from school from just before Christmas until just after New Year’s Day.  During this time, you and your ex might each plan special outings or activities on allocated days.

4.          Divide the holidays up into parts.

For instance, you and your ex can decide where and how the kids will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and New Years’ Eve and New Years’ Day.  Or allocate certain hours of the day or evening for each parent.  Same idea if one or both parents celebrates Hanukkah.

Another alternative is to allocate holiday time by alternating holidays each year.  For example, the kids might celebrate certain holidays with one parent this year, and the other parent next year.

The bottom line is that when it comes to divorce and navigating the holidays with kids, consistency is key. Communication is essential.  And stability is necessary.

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