The One Thing Divorcing Parents Can Do To Protect The Kids And Save Money On Lawyers

Divorce is hard.  And it can be very hard on kids.  But not for the reasons you might think.  The hardest thing about my parents’ divorce when I was 13 was not the divorce itself.  It was the ongoing fighting and hostility in the home.  And the pervasive coldness, indifference, and contempt.  But most of all, it was never really knowing what might happen from one day to the next.  I felt like Chicken Little, always thinking “the sky is falling…the sky is falling!”  And that anxiety continued for many years.

Fortunately, now, after over 20 years as a family lawyer and mediator, I know that things can be very different for your kids.  Not only can they survive divorce; they can actually thrive.  Here’s the one thing that you, as divorcing parents, can do to protect the kids while saving thousands on lawyer fees…

Talk to your spouse to answer the tough questions your kids most likely have – whether or not they come right out and ask.  In other words, make a list.  Literally write out the answers to the following custody and parenting time questions.  While communicating with your spouse might be the last thing you want to do, it’s important for your children.  They need both of you, now more than ever.  It’s therefore essential to isolate your personal conflict from your role as parents and answer these questions:

1.          Where will the kids live most of the time?  Or will they essentially have two homes?

2.          Which school(s) will they attend?

3.          How often and when will they spend time with each of you:

• On weekdays, weeknights and weekends during the school year?
• How will each holiday be spent?
• With which parent will the kids spend their school breaks and vacations?

4.          How will decisions be made for the children’s education, medical treatment, and religious practice?

5.          How will each parent receive education and health notifications and records for the children?

6.          What happens if and when significant others enter the picture?

7.          What happens if disagreements arise in decision-making or if the parenting time schedule needs to be changed?

If you and your spouse encounter difficulty in agreeing on any of these items, simply put those questions aside.  You can revisit them at a later time or enlist the help of a mediator or your lawyer.  For example, clients often ask me to coach them for a tough conversation with the other parent.  This can be very helpful when you need confidence that the talk will go well.

Once you and your spouse have agreed on the answers to the above questions, you can simply have the lawyer for one of you draft up a custody and parenting time agreement and send it to the other’s lawyer.  When you and your spouse have each signed the custody and parenting time agreement, your lawyer can help you determine if it would be best to send it to the court or to incorporate it as part of your divorce agreement.

At that point, you would have likely saved thousands of dollars on lawyers fighting back and forth, while giving your kids what they want and need to know to put their minds at ease.  For guidance on telling your kids about the divorce, check out this post.  As difficult as divorce can be, knowing your kids have the answers they need can go a long way towards easing the transition for everyone.

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Four Powerful Things to Do to Combat the Fear of Financial Cost of Divorce

If concerns about the financial cost of divorce are keeping you trapped in a hopeless marriage, you’re not alone.

In my experience of over 20 years of exclusive family law practice, concerns about financial costs and the children are the two most common reasons why spouses avoid or postpone divorce.

Financial concerns often include fear of giving away hard-earned money to their spouse and not having enough left to meet their own financial needs – and how long they might be tied to their spouse financially.

On top of that, there is the common concern based on a widespread mistrust of lawyers – fed by not just the media, but also the many horror stories of our neighbors, family, and friends.  There is the popular perception of lawyers putting billable hours ahead of their clients’ needs.  By the same token, many divorce lawyers expect you to write them blank checks – one after the other – with no apparent end in sight – as you remain no closer to being divorced.

So, it’s not surprising that many people considering divorce view the cost of lawyers as a big unknown and fear walking away with nothing once the divorce is final.  But here are 4 powerful things you can do right now:

1.          Be ruthlessly focused when seeking out the right divorce and family lawyer.

You might start by recognizing that not all family lawyers are created equally.  Hiring the right attorney is one of the most important decisions you can make when starting the divorce process.  Be sure to seek out a good experienced attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving and settlement approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator who simply likes to fight.

What you might not know is the best and most reputable family lawyers can actually save you money by using their expertise for cost-effective settlement strategies, including, divorce mediation, for example, and creative problem-solving.

And an experienced family lawyer can generally give you an estimate of costs based on the specific legal services best for your circumstances.

Finally, make sure your lawyer will keep you informed of each next step of the divorce advised, along with the likely costs and implications.  After all, your lawyer can avoid key issues and provisions being overlooked that can land you in court after the divorce.

It can be far more expensive to pay an attorney to try and fix a bad divorce judgment after the fact than to have a competent family lawyer in your corner in the first place.  Overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, but it can also require costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And when it comes to things like alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you will generally learn what is fair under New Jersey law.

And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

2.          Know what you have.

If you’re not familiar with the marital finances, it can cost more in legal fees to ensure you get a viable and fair financial settlement in the divorce.  Therefore, you should be aware of all assets and debts in either or both spouse’s names.

3.          Know your expenses.

It is also important to know your monthly expenses and to anticipate what they will be after the divorce.  This knowledge can go a long way in helping to achieve the right divorce financial settlement for you.

4.          Focus on the big picture.

You can keep legal costs down by choosing your battles wisely.  Know what is most important for you to move on with your life.  It’s typically far better to save your time, money and energy for building your life after divorce.

If you find yourself becoming controlled by your imagination of what could happen in divorce, stop.  Instead, spring into forward-moving action while trusting yourself.   You are much stronger than you realize.  And you will get through this.

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How To Say “I Want A Divorce” And Still Remain Amicable

Many couples tend to put off divorce until after the holidays.  And with the holidays now over, there’s the difficult task of telling your spouse you want a divorce.  And you might wonder if the divorce can ever be amicable.

It’s important to recognize that how you tell your spouse you want a divorce will most likely determine how the whole divorce process will unfold.  For instance, if your spouse feels blamed or disrespected, he or she is more likely to retaliate by refusing to cooperate in the divorce process, escalating conflict, and legal fees.

Therefore, before approaching your spouse, make sure you’re certain you want a divorce.  And think of how your spouse might feel and what you might say.  Prepare yourself for a variety of responses like anger or attempts to change your mind.

You can start with something like “I think you would agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way, we’ll end up hating each other.  I want a divorce.”  If you have children, you might also say something like “our kids deserve better. They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

It’s important to remain firm yet compassionate.  Avoid wavering which could give your spouse false hopes for saving the marriage.  And avoid becoming reactive or defensive.   It’s also important to clearly convey your commitment to remaining respectful and reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

Do not try to convince your spouse that divorce is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.  By the same token, steer clear of engaging in talk about dividing assets or paying support.  The time to address the legal issues will come later as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

If the conversation turns toward fault or legalities, simply reiterate your commitment to remaining respectful of your spouse’s feelings and reaching an amicable outcome.  Then, end the conversation by offering to give your spouse some space.

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Four Simple Steps to Handle Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Ease

Have you ever found yourself feeling like you need to speak up to someone about something but unable to find the right words?

When you’re stumped on how to say what needs to be said without pissing off the other person and starting an argument? When it simply seems easier to say nothing at all?

But then sometimes, if we don’t say something, things will only get worse.  Like when you’ve decided to end your marriage or relationship.  Or need to resolve thorny custody or parenting issues with your ex.  It might seem easier to put things off until the vaguely distant “right” time.

As an experienced lawyer and mediator, I’ve found these 4 simple steps from the bestselling book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, to be most effective in strengthening relationships in the midst of difficult conversations.

1.          What’s your end game?

Before you say anything, ask yourself what you really want and what’s at stake.  For example, when ending a relationship, you might want to remain amicable and able to effectively parent your children together.

2.          Find the missing pieces.

Find out as much as you can about the other person’s views.  Let them know how important it is to you to understand their needs and concerns so together you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.

3.          Describe your experience.

If the other person acted in a way that made you uncomfortable, be specific about what those actions were.  For instance, when you told me X, it seemed like Y.  Is that what you meant?

4.          Move to action.

Agree on the solution that will effectively work for each of you.  Confirm who will do what by when and settle on a way to follow up.

These steps can be used just as effectively to handle difficult conversations with employees, supervisors, and colleagues.

To find out how strategic coaching can help you communicate more powerfully, persuasively and effectively in your family and personal relationships, click here or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.  In the meantime, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter and you’ll never miss a post.

Ten Tips on College Costs for Separated or Divorcing Parents

Happy New Year!  If you’re separated or considering divorce, is 2020 the year you’d like to start planning for your children’s college educations?

If so, and you haven’t yet decided on the specifics of college planning, read on to find out what to focus on and what to do next.

College is expensive, to say the least.  So, in general, it’s never too early to start planning and saving.  But for divorcing parents, the question becomes who pays for what? And how much?

In New Jersey, divorced parents are generally obligated to financially support their children until each child becomes “emancipated.”  For a child who attends college full-time, he or she becomes “emancipated” upon completing full-time attendance at college or reaching age 23 – whichever occurs first.

So, chances are, you’re both going to have an obligation to contribute something toward your kids’ college costs.  How can you get started?

First, you can start a college 529 account on your own.  Sit down with your financial advisor and determine how much to contribute, either directly or through a payroll deduction.

Then, when it comes time to allocate the college contributions between you and your ex when your child starts college, you would have already saved up for your share.

Your divorce agreement should be drafted to clearly set forth your rights and obligations for you and your ex with respect to your child’s college education.  The key is to come up with a plan you can both agree on.  This also helps take the pressure off your child by having predefined responsibilities for each of you, including your child.

Therefore, if you and your ex agree you’d like the kids to attend college, the following decisions should be made as soon as possible, either between you directly or with the help of your lawyers:

1. Decide when you will discuss with each other and with your child the colleges in which he or she is interested in applying (generally by May of junior year of high school);
2. Are there specific criteria for those schools, such as cost or geographical area?
3. When will visits to colleges be scheduled? (for instance, spring of your child’s junior year);
4. Will your child apply for financial aid, including scholarships, grants, work-study, and Federal, i.e. Stafford loans?
5. If so, which parent will complete the FAFSA form each year?
6. Who will be responsible for repaying any Stafford loans – you and your spouse, or your child?
7. Did you and your spouse establish a college 529 account during the marriage?  If so, will those funds be applied first before allocating remaining college costs?
8. After applying all financial aid awards, scholarship awards, Stafford loans, and existing college 529 or other savings accounts, how will the balance of college costs be paid and apportioned?  For example, will they be paid in proportion to each parent’s incomes (e.g., the parent who earns 75% of the combined parental income might pay 75% of the expenses); or will you and your ex take out parent PLUS loans?  Will your child contribute from his or her earnings?  Another option is to set a maximum contribution for you and your ex toward out-of-pocket college costs, for example, $25,000 per year (with any additional costs paid by your child with or without student loans);
9. How will you define which expenses will be considered “college costs” to be apportioned?  Generally, college costs often include:

• SAT/ACT prep courses or tutoring;
• College application fees;
• Tuition (how will study abroad be addressed?);
• Room and board (how will off-campus housing be addressed?)
• Books, school supplies, and computer or laptop and printer;
• School internet access and/or printing costs;
• Registration and lab and other fees charged by the institution;
• Reasonable dormitory setup costs; and
• Fraternity or sorority expenses.

10. If you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement on allocation of college costs by the end of your child’s junior year in high school, for instance, will you attend private mediation before either of you files a motion with the court?

Planning out such details can save you much time and lawyer fees in the divorce.  By the same token, you can have the peace of mind of knowing you’re well equipped and prepared when it comes to your child’s college education.

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