The #1 Reason I See Couples Divorce & How You Can Save Your Marriage

In over 20 years as a divorce and family lawyer, I’ve seen the same reason for divorce come up time and time again.  And I’ve found there are 3 specific things you can do today to start to get your marriage back on track.

The reason for most divorces I’ve seen is when couples have stopped communicating.  They’ve just stopped talking to each other.  And as a result, couples are driven farther and farther apart, often leading to infidelity or chronic resentment.

Marriage is hard. No doubt about it. I know. So how can this happen?  How can we go from being completely and totally in love, raising a family together, and then stop talking to each other?

It could start with critical remarks or disregarding a request, which in turn prompts you or your spouse to become defensive or to withdraw.  This can become an ongoing cycle of criticism, verbal attacks, and withdrawing.  And over time, resentment kicks in, which leads to contempt, or even indifference.  And then, the marriage is effectively over.  It just becomes a source of anger and pain for both of you.

But in my experience, both as a divorce lawyer and personally, I’ve found there are 3 specific things you can do today to start to get your marriage back on track. They’re not easy and require lots of internal strength and patience, and most of all, a strong desire to save your marriage:

1.          Take responsibility.

This is not the same as blame. It’s where you take ownership of what you see as your part and how things came to be. It goes to the realization that everything that is or will be is up to you. Because when we blame other people, we make ourselves powerless to change anything.

 2.         Listen with curiosity.

You might invite your spouse to talk and share how he or she views things.  This doesn’t mean you have to agree  Everyone sees things differently.  It’s human nature. You have a story. Your spouse has a story. Listen to their story as an outside observer with complete curiosity.  Focus on the emotions you hear behind the words.  Imagine just trying to learn where they are coming from.

As you begin to understand how your spouse sees things, you can say things like, “it sounds like you feel betrayed”, or “it seems like you feel taken advantage of.”  Believe me, this can go a long way to building trust, which incentivizes your spouse to see things from your view as well.

3.          Catch your spouse doing something good.

Notice when he or she has done something or said something you admire or appreciate.  Point it out.  The added benefit is by pointing these things out, it’s likely you’ll start seeing more.

Taking responsibility, listening with curiosity, and pointing out the good things, sincerely and consistently, can help get your marriage back on track from divorce.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it to feel connected, validated, and appreciated by your spouse again.

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Save Time and Money on Your Divorce with Mediation

If you’re considering divorce and want things to stay amicable, your best bet can be divorce mediation.  Especially when litigation can be drawn out, acrimonious, and costly.

What is Divorce Mediation?

Divorce mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process.  It is a structured negotiating process facilitated by the mediator, a neutral third party.

Divorce mediation can be used to resolve child custody, child support, alimony, and division of marital assets.  But for divorce mediation to work, both spouses have to be willing to be open with income and assets and to negotiate fairly.  This means there needs to be full disclosure of information in advance.

Also, you’ll want to make sure the mediator is experienced with a proven track record for success.  Divorce mediators are trained in mediation and are typically lawyers or retired judges.  Some mental health professionals are also trained as mediators and could be particularly helpful when the issues involve co-parenting.

Divorce mediators, however, have no authority to make decisions for the parties and cannot give legal advice.  That’s why it’s important for both parties to still seek the advice of their own attorneys before, during, and after mediation.  You will also need lawyers to draft the divorce agreement once all the terms are agreed upon in mediation.

What are the main benefits of divorce mediation?

Mediation typically keeps you and your spouse in control of the outcome.  There is no judge deciding for you.  Mediation also enables both spouses to reach an agreement with far less conflict than traditional divorce litigation.  As a result, you are each more likely to be satisfied with the process and the results, while spending less time and money.

When mediation is mandatory

After one spouse files a divorce complaint with the court, both parties will need to attend custody and parenting time mediation if they have kids, unless they can reach an agreement on their own.

The parties’ lawyers don’t typically participate in this custody and parenting time mediation, and there is no cost to the parties.

Later in the court process, if the parties have not yet reached a settled divorce agreement, the court requires them to attend mediation to resolve the financial issues.  Unlike custody and parenting time mediation, however, this “economic mediation” involves lawyers and there is a cost for the mediator’s services.

Each divorce is unique and divorce mediation is not for everyone.  So, it’s important to meet with an experienced mediator and find out if mediation is right for you.

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What Most Lawyers Don’t Tell You For Free About Getting Divorced In New Jersey

It’s a common misconception that judges make the decisions when it comes to divorce.  And you typically have to hire and pay a lawyer to find out the reality of how most New Jersey divorces work.

The fact is the overwhelming majority of New Jersey divorces are settled by agreement between the spouses themselves who sign a “Marital Settlement Agreement.”  The Marital Settlement Agreement is typically drafted by the lawyer for one spouse and spells out specific provisions that relate to child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of the marital assets and debts.  The lawyer for the other spouse reviews the agreement and often proposes specific revisions before it’s signed by both spouses and their lawyers.

How does the court get involved?

Either spouse can file a divorce complaint with the court before, during, or after the Marital Settlement Agreement is drafted.  And when both spouses agree on the terms in the Marital Settlement Agreement, the court typically schedules the parties to appear in court and briefly give testimony that includes they are each satisfied with the terms of the Marital Settlement Agreement and entered into it freely and voluntarily.  The judge then typically signs the Judgment of Divorce.  The Marital Settlement Agreement is literally attached to the signed Judgment of Divorce and becomes binding as a court order.

When is the Marital Settlement Agreement typically drafted?

Generally, before the Marital Settlement Agreement is drafted, the parties should have resolved custody and parenting time for their children.   Also, both spouses should each be satisfied that they know: (1) how much each spouse earns; (2) which assets are to be divided; and (3) the values of the assets and debts to be divided.

To this end, the parties will typically start by filling out a Case Information Statement (or “CIS”) form, essentially a financial profile.  The CIS is considered the most important document in a divorce case.  It discloses a spouse’s income, monthly budget, and lists all marital assets and debts.  Significantly, without such disclosures, neither party will be able to make informed decisions about the key financial issues.

After the spouses exchange CISs, their lawyers might suggest additional documents be obtained from the other spouse.  These might include bank statements, credit card statements, or employment records.  By the same token, finding out values for certain assets, like a home or business, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

The parties can come to an agreement out of court by any or a combination of direct negotiation between spouses or lawyers, divorce mediation, or by collaborative divorce.   Or, if a divorce complaint is filed, the court generally requires the parties to attend mandatory settlement procedures before scheduling pretrial and trial dates.

The bottom line?  It’s never too soon to get a handle on the marital finances.  The more you and your spouse each know about the marital income, assets, and debts, the sooner you can hammer out the terms of your Marital Settlement Agreement.

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How to Save Money on Lawyers to Terminate Alimony When Your Ex Has a New Romantic Partner

Life goes on after divorce.  Maybe your ex meets and becomes involved in a new romantic relationship.

But you’re still paying alimony.  And you might have heard about “cohabitation” and how it means your alimony payments should stop.   So, you might think it’s probably a good idea to meet with a lawyer.  But you don’t want to open up a can of worms and shell out piles of money to fight it out in court.  So, what should you do?

True, under New Jersey law, if your former spouse “cohabits,” in other words, becomes involved in an intimate personal relationship with another adult, alimony could potentially terminate.

But not without a new court order.  To get a court order terminating alimony, you essentially have two choices – to file a motion with the Court, or to reach an agreement with your ex in a “consent order.”

A consent order is a legal document drafted by attorneys without ever going to court. The consent order is typically signed by both parties and their attorneys, submitted to the court and entered as a binding order.  Generally, the binding agreement, or “consent order” is the far better way to go. Not only could it save you thousands on lawyer fees, you can avoid the prolonged stress of not knowing how a judge will decide.

By the same token, in over 20 years of practicing only family law, I’ve found that filing post-divorce motions are generally cost-prohibitive. In other words, both former spouses often pay tens of thousands of dollars to lawyers only to end up no better off financially, and often worse.

So, it’s important to enlist a settlement focused lawyer with extensive knowledge and experience in divorce and family law. Your lawyer should also be a skilled negotiator committed to advancing your interests and goals in the most productive cost-effective way possible.  By the same token, your lawyer should tell you the costs and benefits of filing a court motion so you can make an informed decision.

After all, you don’t need to be blindly led into filing a court motion, only to get sticker shock when you get your lawyer’s bill after unexpectedly getting your a-s kicked in court.

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