How Brené Brown’s Elements of Trust Can Be Your Guide to Strong Personal Relationships

I’ve found it’s not so easy to know whether or not you can trust someone.  Or more accurately, to what extent can you trust a person?  For example, can you trust someone with some things but not others?

But first, how do we define trust, really?  According to research professor and bestselling author, Brené Brown, trust is “choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”

I admit I’ve suffered from a condition I call “trust aversion.”   While not necessarily uncommon in lawyers, it can certainly make for feeling lonely and isolated at times.  So, I found I needed to come up with a way to allow people into my life who I trusted.  Yet still be realistically cautious with those who were not so worthy of trust.

That’s why I was thrilled when I discovered Brené Brown’s list of elements that make up trust in her bestselling book, Rising Strong.  I found I could readily use and apply these trust elements as standards by which to measure whether or not to trust someone.  Dr. Brown uses the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G to break down her definition of trust into actionable components, which can be accessed here.

As Dr. Brown emphasizes, B.R.A.V.I.N.G also works with self-trust, which is where she says we have to start.  So, for example, when going through a rough patch, you should ask yourself “Did I respect my own BOUNDARIES by being clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?  Was I RELIABLE by doing what I said I was going to do? Did I hold myself ACCOUNTABLE?  Did I respect the VAULT and share accordingly?  Did I act from my INTEGRITY?  Did I ask for what I needed with NO JUDGMENT?  Was I GENEROUS towards myself?

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How Coronavirus/COVID-19 Can Impact Your Divorce Process

The impact on our nation of the coronavirus pandemic is unprecedented.  We are all being encouraged to practice social distancing, avoid travel and group social situations to reduce the chance of catching and spreading coronavirus.

But what is the protocol if you’re in the midst of a divorce?  And where can you find answers about family court schedules and procedures in the wake of the coronavirus?

If you filed a divorce complaint with the court or otherwise actively started the divorce process in New Jersey, here’s what you need to know about how the coronavirus /COVID-19 can impact your divorce:

Court proceedings

Presently and until further notice, there are no in-person New Jersey family court proceedings (except for extremely limited emergent matters and certain ongoing trials).  Therefore, if you have any family court events scheduled, such as case management conferences, motions, or hearings, they will likely be handled by telephone or video conference.

In the meantime, the following New Jersey family court hearings will be held as scheduled:

• Applications for emergent relief;
• Applications for Domestic Violence restraining orders; and
• Child support hearings involving incarcerated individuals.

Decreases in the value of marital assets

The coronavirus pandemic has significantly reduced the value of marital assets and other investments and retirement accounts for the time being.  So, for example, if you were planning to use your share of a marital investment account to give to your spouse so you can keep your retirement account, that might not be a viable option for now.  You might, therefore, choose to wait out the market or speak to your attorney about other options for dividing your marital assets.

In any event, uncertain times like this often brings us closer together.  It can be as good a time as any for open communication with your soon-to-be-ex about the “what ifs” in the midst of this global pandemic.

For questions about your divorce, contact your divorce and family lawyer.

Now is the time to get clarity on how to proceed with your divorce negotiations or paperwork.  Or what happens if certain marital assets have significantly lost value.

Whether you would like to schedule a consultation or strategy session about your divorce case, or you are already a valued client with questions, I welcome all calls and emails and we can set up the best way for you to get what you need.  This can simply be scheduling a convenient time for a phone call or video call.  Either way, you can reach out at 973-292-9090 or mhart@michelehartlaw.com or scheduling time by clicking on this link.

In the meantime, there are plenty of resources and informational articles for you right on our website.  To receive the most up-to-date family law tips and developments, sign up to receive my weekly blog posts right to your inbox.

Do You Have to Go to Court for Your New Jersey Divorce?

When you decide to divorce, there are important decisions to be made – about child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

When people think about divorce, however, they often picture going to court where a judge makes all the decisions.  And it’s not a pretty picture.   I get it.  And as a family lawyer for over 20 years, I agree.  But having a judge make decisions in divorce is only one of several options you have  – it’s also the most costly and unpredictable.  Below are 3 alternative options that are generally more efficient and less expensive than having a judge decide in court:

1.   Negotiation

Most New Jersey divorces are settled out of court by mutual agreement.  Agreements often result from negotiations between spouses with input and advice from their lawyers.

And when you have children, it’s generally much better for them when you can agree on these decisions without involving the court.  Out of court negotiation is generally quicker and much less expensive than having a judge make decisions for you.

2.   Specialized professionals or experts

When there is a business or real property to be valued and divided, it’s often helpful to bring in a specialized professional or expert, like an accountant or appraiser, to independently value the asset.

Significantly, I know of several accountants and mental health professionals trained and skilled in mediation techniques who can also help facilitate agreements between spouses.

3.  Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process.  It is a structured negotiating process facilitated by the mediator, a neutral third party.  To find out more about divorce mediation, check out this post.

The bottom line?  Just as every relationship is unique, every divorce is unique.  There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to resolving your divorce.  The specific circumstances of your case determine what methods are best suited to resolve your issues.

That’s why when a client first comes to me, we do a strategy session.  We identify the issues to be resolved and the decisions to be made.  I then design the most efficient, and cost-effective roadmap most likely to achieve that client’s goals for the future.

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How To Respond vs. React For Negotiation Success

Let’s say you’ve had a run-in or heated argument with your partner, spouse, family member, or colleague.  And chances are, there was an underlying negotiation going on.  Because whether we know it or not, we’re always negotiating, both in our personal and professional lives.

In my experience, people most often do one of two things in these instances – fight or give in.  Either way, it’s common to stew for hours, days, or even longer, about it.

When we feel attacked or threatened, our brain is hard-wired to create a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction.  While this reaction was useful to long-ago ancestors to protect them from wild animals, not so much in our interpersonal relationships today.

When we react by fighting, fleeing or freezing, the reasoning part of the brain shuts down.  And you let the other person determine your reaction.  Continuing to interact from fight or flight will only damage the relationship, perhaps irreparably.

The resentment we carry around from that one incident drains us not only emotionally, but also physically.  It takes away time that can be better spent on enjoying a moment with our child, a friend, or full-on engagement in our work.

But it’s when we’re in conflict with someone close to us that we most need the capacity to act rationally and compassionately.  So we can resolve the conflict in a way that maintains the relationship, even strengthens it.

So, let’s back up to that heated argument or run-in.  What can we do differently next time to turn a potentially stress-creating, energy-robbing incident into an exchange or negotiation where we can influence the outcome?  Where we don’t have to choose between fighting or giving in?

The third option is to pause and choose your words.   Intentionally respond with what’s most likely to lead to the outcome you want.

This is tough.  It takes practice.  At first, it might help to physically remove yourself from the situation.  For example, if you find yourself becoming triggered in a meeting or verbal exchange, you might simply say, “I think it might help to take a quick break.  I’ll be right back.”

At that moment, it helps to take two or three deep, slow breaths.  Change your body position.  These send signals to your body that a fight-or-flight reaction is not necessary.  The key is to calm your emotional reaction.  This allows the rational part of your brain to take over.

Or, if you’ve stepped away, you might elicit compassion for the other person by understanding they would not act that way if they weren’t scared of something.  Or there’s something else going on with them that has nothing to do with you.

Once you’ve calmed your emotional reaction, you can effectively listen and learn where the other person is coming from, how they view the world.  Show you’re listening by using a phrase like “I hear you.” or “It sounds like you feel ____.”  This is likely to lead to greater trust and the other person is far more likely to listen and hear your version of things.

By doing this consistently, over time, you will have greater confidence in the value you bring to your relationships.  And you will have less fear in the face of conflict.

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