How Difficult Conversations Can Actually Reduce Stress

The longer social distancing and self-quarantines continue, the harder it becomes for us to picture what our post-pandemic world will look like.  And so, it’s not uncommon for our worries and anxieties to escalate.

In these unusual times, close personal relationships are more important than ever – other people with whom we can share our frustrations, anger, sadness, or perhaps a much-needed laugh.  Having others to lean on can considerably reduce our stress and anxiety.

But what about when conflict inevitably arises in our closest relationships?  Heated arguments or carrying around resentment creates significant stress and adversely affects our emotional and physical health.

You can actually reduce or eliminate that stress by tackling difficult conversations.  I know that seems unlikely when you consider the stress of not knowing what to say.  Or when we believe that saying something will only make things worse. Our brain prefers predictable negative consequences over uncertain outcomes.  

So, you might try this to dive into that difficult conversation, clear the air, and strengthen the relationship.  First, keep in mind that when you still have to live together, it’s in everyone’s best interest to get to a better place.  Then, listen with genuine curiosity to what the other person has to say. According to the award-winning actor Alan Alda, “real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.”

In his best-selling book, Never Split the Difference, author and former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss advises to describe back what you hear starting with “it seems like…; it sounds like…; or it looks like…”  For example, “it sounds like you felt hurt.”

Then, instead of explaining yourself, Voss advises asking questions that start with “how,” and “what,” not “why,” since “why” puts people on the defensive.  For example, what about what happened caused you to believe ________?”   To avoid reacting emotionally and taking things personally, the key is to stay focused on the emotions behind what the other person is saying.

The more we resolve conflicts like this, the easier it becomes.  And the added benefit is we get to set an example for our kids. We can give them a language they can model to resolve conflicts in their own relationships and friendships as they get older.

And when we communicate with a real understanding of another’s viewpoint, with genuine curiosity, respect, and compassion, our personal relationships will become stronger and more rewarding.

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Five Tips For Lower Stress And Stronger Relationships When We Need It Most

Many of us have now been self-quarantined with our spouses and kids for several weeks as this pandemic continues.  And perhaps like me, you worry about getting sick, how long the pandemic will last, and what the future holds.

All these thoughts and worries raise anxiety levels.  And the more anxious we are, the more we’re susceptible to conflict with those closest to us.

By the same token, relationship conflict, whether with a spouse, child, or friend, can raise our anxiety levels even more.  Whether it’s openly hostile conflict in the home or an underlying resentment, family conflict can cause a significant amount of stress.  And that level of stress can adversely affect our health and well-being.

Conversely, when we share closer relationships with those around us, stress levels can be reduced considerably.  So, it’s important to recognize when our anxiety levels cause us to act in ways that hurt our relationships.

Because what we say and how we say it influences what the other person does next.  In other words, according to Newton’s Third Law, every action has a reaction.  So, what can we do to reduce our stress and enjoy stronger relationships when we need it most?

One of the most effective ways I’ve found is by tapping into compassion.  Compassion is actually instinctual.  It’s in our wiring.  Compassion is how we respond when we perceive suffering and have an authentic desire to help.  We also experience compassion by putting ourselves into the other person’s shoes.  And the good news is that compassion boosts our physical and emotional well-being.  Below are 5 tips for reaping the benefits of compassion right now:

1.        How can I help?

If you notice your spouse or child is upset, you might ask something like how can I make it better?  Even if you don’t ask out loud, you might simply do something you think they would appreciate and enjoy.

2.        Be encouraging.

When we encourage others, we can enjoy seeing their face light up with confidence.  That in and of itself lifts us up as well.

3.        Don’t neglect yourself.

It’s not always so easy to have compassion for ourselves.  For instance, you might take a moment and notice when you’re hurting or down on yourself for making a mistake.  Then simply allow yourself to acknowledge we’re not perfect and take it as an opportunity to do better.  Either way, your feelings matter.

4.        Respond with a question.

When someone close to you lashes out in anger, try asking a question instead.  It’s easy to react in anger.  But just taking that moment to pause and ask about what’s causing the person’s anger goes a long way to diffusing conflict and bringing you closer together.

5.        Apologize sincerely.

When offering an apology, it’s often best to avoid saying something like “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” or “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”  I’ve found it much more effective to own up to what I did and verbalize the effect it had on the other person.

For example, “I know it was important to you that I [important action].  And in that moment, I wasn’t thinking and I now see how disappointed angry and hurt that made you.

By tapping into our innate ability for compassion, we can enjoy closer relationships, reduced stress, and experience greater health and well-being.

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How Working From Home Can Transform Family Relationships

In these uncertain times of the coronavirus self quarantines, schools have transitioned to online learning.  And many of us now work from home.

With two teenagers at home, I’ve encountered more than a few challenges.  But just recently, I uncovered one very special opportunity.  And what I learned in one lightbulb moment, has transformed my family.

You see, while I’ve been physically present at home, my attention was on my typical work routine while I’d been at the office.  And that didn’t bode well for family harmony.  Quite the opposite, I found.  Chaos at home ran rampant as I sat working on my laptop.

For instance, my son doesn’t do so well without the daily structure of physically attending classes at school.   And last week, there were several days in a row where he was still in his pajamas at 11:00 a.m. and he hadn’t yet started his daily assignments.  So what did I do?  I yelled at him to get started while I sat and “worked.”  That didn’t work, of course.  My son yells back.  Then, before I know it, he’s arguing with his sister, who’s home from college and also trying to navigate virtual classes.

As both kids argue back and forth, I try (unsuccessfully) to keep the noise in the background and focus on work.  Then, when I hear the dog barking, I realize he hadn’t been walked.  All of a sudden, a familiar saying popped into my mind: Charity begins at home.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, this saying means you should take care of your family and those close to you before helping others farther away.  Similarly, according to this post, loving others needs to start with your family.  Showing respect for your family and providing for their needs, over your needs, is an act of love, which is “charity.”

I couldn’t help but notice the irony: as I’m working to help others resolve their legal and interpersonal conflicts, my own home is a conflict-ridden minefield.

In that single moment, I decided to make a big change.  I clarified my priorities and the importance of making time to nurture our most important relationships.  I know how easy it is to feel as if there’s not enough time to spend on this.  But I also learned that time allocation to priorities can free up more time to spend on valued relationships with family and friends.

Specifically, I decided that I would schedule work-related activities during specific times of the day when my presence wasn’t required for my family.   And I refrained from adding activities for the wrong reasons.  I no longer wanted to spend my days doing things that didn’t reflect my values and priorities.

I found these two simple changes not only made me much more productive for my clients and business, it made a world of difference in the way our family functioned throughout the day.

And in these trying times, we need all the help we can get.

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