Your Best Bet for an Amicable Divorce

Divorce is more than a legal process.  It is an extremely emotional process.  It’s also common for one spouse to want a divorce while the other does not.  More often, one of the spouses decides, over a period of time, to end the marriage.

When you’re the spouse who wants the divorce, it’s important to know this.  The way you handle your emotions and the emotions of your spouse will essentially determine how the legal divorce process will unfold.

For example, suppose your spouse reacts with shock or outrage when you announce you want a divorce. In such a situation, your spouse might refuse to cooperate in the divorce, or escalate the conflict with potentially exorbitant legal fees.

It is only when your spouse gets the chance to emotionally process the divorce as a reality that he or she will be able to engage in reasonable discussions about splitting up.  If you push too hard and insist on an immediate divorce, it’s likely your spouse will run to the “safety” of a litigious lawyer to “protect” his or her interests.

That’s why the way you tell your spouse you want a divorce is critical to an amicable legal divorce process.

Therefore, before approaching your spouse, make sure you’re certain you want a divorce.  Think of how your spouse might feel and what you might say.  And be sure to use neutral language.  For example, “I think you would agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way, we’ll end up hating each other.  I want a divorce.”

Or, if you have children, you might also say something like “our kids deserve better.  They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

When your spouse offers a response, you can prevent escalating emotions by staying focused on the emotions behind the words and describing back what you hear.  For example, “it sounds like you feel hurt.”

It’s important not to become reactive or defensive, or try to convince your spouse that divorce is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.

It’s also generally best to steer clear of talking about dividing assets at this time.  The time to address the legal issues can be as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

Approaching your spouse in this way shows respect and reinforces your commitment to keeping things amicable during the divorce.

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Three Powerful Tips to Control Your Emotions in Conflict & Improve Relationships

Whenever we feel attacked or threatened – even if we feel disrespected, insulted, or personally attacked – we experience what’s known as a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction.  Simply put, the reasoning part of our brains shuts down and we’re unable to respond rationally in the heat of the moment.

And that doesn’t bode well when we want to maintain close meaningful relationships with others.

Let’s face it – all the tools and strategies in the world for effective communication won’t help if your head’s not in the game to begin with.  But fortunately, we can learn to control our fight or flight reactions and keep our relationships strong.  Here are 3 powerful tips:

1.     Pause.

Pause during the conversation to get clear on what you really want by asking “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  For example, according to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,  “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”  Basically, it’s about taking the attention off of our egos and on what we really want for this relationship.  To find out more, check out this post.

2.     Meditate.

Taking some time during the day for meditation can be extremely effective in gaining control over our thoughts and emotions.  And it doesn’t have to take a lot of time, while the payoff is likely more than worth it.  This article can help you find what might work best for you.

3.     Take breaks from screen time.

We often hear that excessive screen time can be harmful physically, mentally, and emotionally.  So, taking breaks can be a powerful way to improve our overall well-being.

I’ve found that taking a day off – or even a few hours – helps with mental clarity and emotional well-being.  To learn more, check out this article.

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Do This One Thing to Productively Resolve Conflict in Your Most Important Relationships

Do you often find yourself holding in your anger at someone to avoid a conflict?  Perhaps you’ve held in your anger for so long that you eventually erupt and lash out at this person.

As you might surmise, this is not a good way to resolve a conflict.  It damages your emotional and physical well-being by creating stress, and it can destroy a relationship.  So why do we do this in the first place?

One reason is you might feel that your anger will get out of control if you say something.  But unfortunately, in that case, your resentment simmers in the background during your interactions with this person.  This can create even more tension and prolong the conflict.

I believe we’re often raised without any clue how to constructively resolve conflict while strengthening our relationships at home and work.  While conflict resolution is a crucial life skill, it’s generally not taught in school.  And, unless you’re very fortunate, you might not have learned from your parents.

If we want our most important relationships to flourish, there needs to be mutual trust and respect.  So, if we want others to trust and respect us, we have to trust and respect them.

We disrespect others when we disregard or minimize their feelings or opinions, or if we always try to get our own way.  And the other person will feel hurt and resentful.  Likewise, we disrespect ourselves if we’re always giving in just to avoid conflict.  That sends a message to the other person that it is acceptable to act insensitively to your needs.

So, what is the key to productively resolving conflict and strengthening our most important relationships?  First of all, the human brain is hard-wired to create a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction whenever we feel attacked or threatened.  And the reasoning part of the brain simply shuts down.

When we’re fired up, our default is to assume we have to choose between getting results and keeping the relationship.  But, according to the best-selling book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, as you feel that rush to fight or flee, pause and notice your motives at that moment.  For instance, are you trying to win or prove you’re right?

Then, get clear on what you really want by asking “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  For example, “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”

Then, according to the authors of Crucial Conversations, ask “how would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”  In other words, choose your words or take action to achieve what it is you really want.

According to Crucial Conversations:

When you ask that question, you discover you can share your concerns, listen sincerely to the other person’s concerns, and build the relationship – all at the same time.  And the results can be life-changing.

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How We Can Get Through These Challenging Times

Challenges are a part of life.  And we’re living in an unprecedented challenge right now during this global pandemic.  But we can experience this unique challenge as an opportunity (stay with me on this…)

The single thing that I’ve found most powerful is to start with your mindset.  Sure, on many days I think, “this sucks!”  But I’ve also experienced and believe that every challenge, every form of adversity, happens for you, not to you.

So, the mindset – and the access to learning – is knowing one simple truth:  Everything that is or will be is up to you.   It’s so easy to blame other people or circumstances for our unhappiness.  But by doing that, we actually make ourselves powerless to change anything.

Instead, as I’ve learned, we are each completely responsible – for our own experiences, actions, and reactions.  This was a sobering, yet powerful, realization.  When you take responsibility for your situation, you’re likely to immediately feel lighter, like a heavy weight has been lifted.

In the inspirational words of Eleanor Roosevelt:

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. 
The process never ends until we die.
And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

So, now, I know I can choose to feel grateful for specific things each day.  For example, grateful that my daughter is home from college and I can once again experience those little moments with her I took for granted yet missed so much when she was gone.  And grateful for daily family dinners.  Each day, I come up with three or so things I’m grateful for.  No matter how small it might seem.  Just feeling grateful changes my mindset immediately.

Knowing that we are completely responsible for our own experiences and choosing gratitude can go a long way to getting us through this challenging time – and we will get through it!

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The Big Misconception About Divorce

When you decide to divorce, there are important decisions to be made about things like child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

The most common misconception I hear is that divorce means going to court and having a judge make these decisions.  Especially when we consider that divorce is often portrayed in the media as angry court battles.

The overwhelming majority of divorce cases in New Jersey, however, are actually settled by mutual agreement.  In fact, it’s not uncommon to never even see the judge assigned to your case, except at the very end when the judge signs your Judgement of Divorce.

While you do need a judge to sign the Judgment of Divorce to legally dissolve your marriage, you don’t need to have a judge make actual decisions in your divorce.  For instance, you don’t need the court to decide where your children will live, how much parenting time you will have with your children, how much child support or alimony you will pay or receive, or how your assets and debts will be divided.

Rather, such decisions are most often spelled out in a written contract, often called a Marital Settlement Agreement.  This agreement becomes part of the Judgment of Divorce granted by the court.  Marital Settlement Agreements often result from negotiations between spouses with input and advice from their lawyers.

It is very important to have a competent divorce and family lawyer help you reach a Marital Settlement Agreement and draft it for you.  This way, you’re not likely to overlook important issues that could cause you to have to go to court after the divorce.

And when you have children, it’s generally much better for them when you can agree on how they will be raised without involving the court.  Out-of-court negotiation is generally quicker and much less expensive than having a judge make decisions for you.

So, I believe I owe it to clients to help them successfully achieve customized Marital Settlement Agreements, with legal, financial, and tax ramifications in mind.  Unlike lawyers who default to fighting in court, I focus on settlement.  This helps you move forward emotionally, financially, and legally protected with peace of mind and confidence in your future.

In the meantime, you can save money and time with this step-by-step plan to help you reach a divorce agreement with your spouse.

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