One Simple Action To Stay Calm During Difficult Conversations

You know the feeling.  You’re in the middle of a conversation with someone – your spouse, friend, or co-worker – when the person says something that offends you or makes you angry.

You feel your blood temperature start to rise.  And what we do in that moment can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a full-on heated confrontation or argument.

In most cases, lashing back defensively would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.  But if your response is calm and intentional, you can literally change the course of the conversation into a productive exchange where you feel heard and understood and feel a greater sense of compassion.  Here is one simple action to stay calm during difficult conversations.

First, notice when your anger slowly starts to build.  It’s in that isolated moment that you pause and freeze.  Then take one to three slow breaths.  Or count backward from 5 to 1, described as the 5 Second Rule.

This one simple action cuts off the brain’s fight-or-flight reaction.  Because when we feel attacked verbally, the brain reacts the same as if there is a gun pointed at us and we immediately dive into a “fight-or-flight” state.  And it’s in this state when we’re likely to blurt out things we might later regret.

When you “freeze and breathe,” you automatically calm down.  You can think more rationally and intentionally choose what you say and do next.  The more you practice simply noticing yourself becoming angry or upset, the easier it will become to remain calm instead of reacting emotionally.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to such emotional triggers in the future.  And it can literally save your most important relationships.

To find out how strategic coaching can help you communicate more powerfully, persuasively, and effectively in your personal and family relationships, click here or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

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Spouses Can Now Get Divorced in New Jersey Without Court Appearance

Divorce in New Jersey just got a bit easier and less costly.

But there’s a catch.  Both you and your spouse need to do two things:

1.        Agree on all matters including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of the marital assets and debts; and

2.        Sign a legal divorce agreement, commonly called a signed Marital Settlement Agreement.  You and your spouse can reach a Marital Settlement Agreement by negotiating directly or with the help of lawyers, or through divorce mediation or other dispute resolution alternatives.

In addition, one of you needs to file a Complaint for Divorce.  In any event, until recently in New Jersey, divorcing spouses were often required to physically appear in court to receive a Judgment of Divorce signed by a judge.

Now, however, effective as of June 5, 2020, when you file the required legal documentation with the New Jersey court, you can receive a Judgment of Divorce mailed to you or your attorney.

In the meantime, as part of the restrictions imposed by the coronavirus pandemic, New Jersey courts now permit electronic filing of certain legal documents, at least for the time being.

To find out more about a New Jersey divorce that’s quicker, less costly, and more amicable, contact me personally here.

How to Confront a Friend or Loved One Who Lets You Down

It’s inevitable.  Whether at home or work, someone close to us eventually lets us down.  Perhaps we get angry or hurt.  It comes with the territory of personal relationships.  What can you do?  Should you confront the person or stay quiet?

The problem with staying quiet is the likelihood of carrying around resentment that affects your interactions with the person and eventually erodes the relationship.  For instance, maybe you don’t return their calls, emails, or texts.  And you wait for the moment when you might unleash your anger at what they did.  So, how can you openly and honestly express yourself without jeopardizing the relationship?

When a close friend or loved one lets you down, confronting them effectively can actually bring you closer to them.  After all, you’re free to express yourself, which lets the other person know you better and more fully.  At the same time, you become open to listening to them, which lets them know you better as well.

Here’s how you can effectively confront a friend or loved one who’s let you down.

First, determine if you genuinely trust this person.   It’s not always so easy to tell.  So, I like to use what I call the “trust test” from Brené Brown described in this post.  Because as long as you really trust your friend or loved one, then, according to Brené Brown, you can assume the most generous thing about their words, intentions, and behaviors.

As Brené Brown describes here:

If I screw up, say something, forget something, you will make a generous assumption and say, “Yesterday was my mom’s one year anniversary of her death, and it was really tough for me, and I talked to you about it last month. And I really was hoping that you would’ve called, but I know you care about me. I know you think it’s a big deal. So I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about that.”

The important thing is first, before saying anything, pause and get clear on what you really want to achieve.   For instance, “what I really want is to express how I feel about what happened and to be understood.”

Then keep to just the facts.  Follow up the facts with your version worded somewhat tentatively to stay open to the other person’s view.

For example, using Brené Brown’s example above, “yesterday was my mom’s one year anniversary of her death.  A few weeks ago, I told you how tough I thought it would be for me that day and you didn’t call.  And so, it seemed to me like …”  This allows you to share your experience and then ask the other person what their thoughts on it are.

It’s not easy to confront someone when we’re angry or upset with something they did.  That’s why it’s so important to take that first moment to pause (and breathe) and focus on the outcome we want.  With regular practice, it’s likely we will begin to experience deeper and more rewarding relationships.

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The Inside Scoop on Uncontested Divorce in New Jersey

It’s a common belief that to start the divorce process in New Jersy, you need to file a “Complaint for Divorce” with the court.

If you and your spouse are on relatively amicable or civil terms, however, you might reach a divorce agreement quicker and at less cost by first exchanging financial information with your spouse.

For instance, your lawyer might ask you to first complete a Case Information Statement.  The Case Information Statement, or CIS, is a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets and liabilities.

In New Jersey, each spouse is generally required to file a completed CIS with the court and forward a copy to the other.  The CIS is often considered the most important document in a divorce case.  Generally, it provides your financial profile.

The CIS is important because it: (1) tells your lawyer most things needed to know about your financial status; and (2) facilitates disclosure of the same information to your spouse that he or she will need so there can be meaningful talks of settlement.  Without the information contained in the CIS, neither spouse will likely be able to make informed decisions about the significant financial issues.

Therefore, even if neither of you has yet filed a Complaint for Divorce with the court, you can still exchange Case Information Statements because the information is so crucial in a divorce.

The Case Information Statement is an important part of what’s often called “discovery” in a divorce case.  The term “discovery” refers to the exchange of information by each spouse.  The purpose of discovery is for each of you to obtain such information as the values of marital income, assets, and debts.

Discovery may also be obtained by Interrogatories, Notices to Produce financial and other records, and subpoenas.  Discovery also includes obtaining necessary valuations of such assets like the marital residence and pensions.   Finding out values for certain assets, however, like a home or business, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

Generally, when both you and your spouse are satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued, one of the attorneys will typically draft the divorce agreement and send it to the other spouse’s lawyer.

This agreement is often called the “Marital Settlement Agreement.”  It is a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you and your spouse.  When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement generally gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.