The Personal Relationship Mindset: Key Takeaways From Tony Robbins

While we practice social distancing, it’s more important than ever to maintain connection with those closest to us.

Science shows the human need to socially connect is as much a fundamental need as food, water, and shelter.  Therefore, disconnection in our important personal relationships generally makes us feel misunderstood and alone.

So, how can we improve our relationships and connect with those most important to us?

According to renowned life coach Tony Robbins, the ability to control your emotions is essential to taking your relationship to its peak state.

As Robbins further explains:

When you’re in charge of your mindset, you don’t let small arguments become huge issues. You learn how to turn negative emotions into opportunities to improve your relationship, and how to communicate with love and understanding. When you operate at your peak state, your relationship will be stronger than ever.

Change your state of mind to fully connect.

Let’s face it, negative emotions can get the better of us.  And when they do, we’re far from being in the best state of mind to fully connect with our loved ones.

Below are 3 Tony Robbins takeaways to change your state of mind in an instant.

1. Get moving.

As Robbins says, “emotion is created by motion.”  Note what your posture and body language look like when you’re sad or angry.  Then compare that when you’re happy and motivated.  Very different, right?

So, the next time you find yourself in a bad mood, stand up tall and straight and breathe deeply to instantly feel proud and alert.  Or shake things up by putting on your favorite music and start dancing.  Do whatever works for you.

2. Get enough sleep and eat healthy meals.

It’s no secret we feel best when we get enough sleep and eat nutritious meals.

By the same token, little or no sleep can make us cranky just like skipping healthy meals might make us “hangry.”  Again, hardly the ideal state of mind to fully connect with loved ones.

3. Ask powerful questions.

Each of us has filters that influence the way we perceive things and the stories we tell ourselves that can impede our ability to meaningfully connect with others.

According to Tony Robbins, one of the most effective ways to rewire the root of these filters is by asking ourselves these 3 questions:

• What is something I can do for someone else today?
• What is something I can do to add value to the world today?
• What is something that I can offer to other people?

Robbins points out that by asking these questions consistently, you can see how you can begin to shape the world around you.  And you will begin to see the gifts you have to offer others.  When you engage with the most important people in your life from this mindset, the rewards can be immeasurable.

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Step-By-Step Checklist For Difficult Conversations with Family or at Work

You might be able to think of at least one conversation right now that you’ve been putting off.  Perhaps you believe that saying something will only make things worse.  When it comes to family members, certain conversations can be difficult because they’re so fraught with emotion.

Consider this example.  Your sister is in a marriage or romantic relationship you believe is unhealthy and controlling.   When you have reason to be concerned about your sister’s well-being or safety, you might very well need to have a difficult conversation with her.  Especially when you consider that your sister is likely to feel caught in the middle between you and her romantic relationship.

I feel very fortunate to have recently connected with Judy Ringer, conflict and communication skills trainer and coach, founder of Power & Presence Training and author of several books, including the recent and highly acclaimed, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace.   According to Judy Ringer, when it comes to difficult conversations, you have more power than you think.

Below is a summary of Ms. Ringer’s checklist of action items for before and during your difficult conversations.  And the good news is this valuable checklist can be used for difficult conversations whether with family members or at work.

Before the Conversation

1. What is your purpose for having the conversation?
2. What do you hope to accomplish? Be sure to enter the conversation with a supportive purpose and expect an optimal result.
3. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? Be cautious about making inaccurate assumptions.
4. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed by the other person’s actions? Become aware of your own emotional triggers and take them out of the equation.
5. Is the other person aware of a problem? If so, how might he or she view it?
6. How might you have contributed to the problem?

During the Conversation

1. Inquiry

Become curious.  Learn as much as possible about the other person’s point of view.  What does he or she really want? What are they not saying?  Let the other person talk until finished without interrupting, except to acknowledge.

2. Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood.  Explain back what you’ve heard.   For example, “this sounds really important to you.”

3. Advocacy

After the other person is done speaking, clarify what you might see from his or her perspective that they’ve missed, without minimizing their point of view.

4. Problem-Solving

Ask the other person what he or she thinks might work as a solution.  For example, you might clarify that a solution would need to satisfy what you each need or want.  If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry.   Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages them to engage.

With the art of conversation, Judy Ringer says, like any art, the more you practice, the more you will acquire skill and ease.

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Get Unstuck and Step Confidently Into Difficult Conversations

The dreaded difficult conversation.  You know the one.  When you know you need to say something, but you don’t.

Instead, you put it off.  Or completely avoid it.  You might reason to yourself that saying something will only make things worse.

Yet all the while, you might notice you’re carrying around all this pent-up nervous energy.  You might also find yourself short-tempered in other situations completely unrelated.  While it might feel like you’re stuck in limbo, the good news is you’re not.

Take this example, for instance.  A former client of mine, I’ll call him John, feared his wife would file a court motion for custody of their two children.  According to John, his wife had recently mentioned she’d seen a lawyer and thought it best if the kids were with her most of the time.

I asked John if he considered coming right out and starting a conversation with his wife to find out if his fears were true or not.  At first, he seemed a bit mortified and instead preferred a more passive “wait and see” approach.  He feared if he said something, there would be an argument and his wife would be more likely to want the children full-time.

And so I encouraged John to initiate a questioning type conversation with his wife.  Where he could simply ask questions to get some information.  There need not be an argument at all.

Fortunately, what John came to see was that the immediate discomfort of initiating this kind of conversation with his wife would be far better than doing nothing and then having his worst fears come to pass.

Importantly, it’s essentially the same way you would approach any difficult conversation.  The approach is spelled out in The New York Times and Washington Post bestseller, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.

The 7 steps for crucial conversations are summarized in this blog post by Anne Loehr, Executive Vice President at The Center for Human Capital Innovation (CHCI), as well as an author, executive coach, facilitator, and consultant.  I suggest copying or printing the handy checklist below from the blog post to help keep these steps in mind.  

The good news, according to Ann Loehr, is this skill-set is easy to learn, and once it is learned, will allow you to face anyone in any situation, regardless of power, position, or authority.

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What You Don’t Know But Should About Shared Child Custody

If you’re a separated or divorcing parent, one of the first things to do is to determine when and how your kids will spend time with each parent.

When parents decide to divorce, children need to know and understand what they can expect from each of you, and where they will be and when.  For more details about custody and parenting time agreements, check out this post.

When parents divorce, kids generally thrive when they are cared for and spend time with both parents.

Young children can and often do adjust to frequent transitions as long as they can rely on a consistent custody and parenting time schedule.  Shared child custody arrangements, however, work best when both parents are cooperative, respectful, and can manage their emotions while communicating effectively.

Therefore, if you both agree that your kids will benefit most from a shared parenting arrangement, you might consider these 4 types of arrangements:

1. A 2-2-3 schedule, where the children spend 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent, and 3 days with the first parent.  Then the next week it switches:

2. A 3-4-4-3 schedule, where the children will stay with one parent for 3 days of the week and then 4 days with the other parent. The next week it switches so the first parent has the child for 4 days and the other parent 3 days:

3. A 2-2-5-5 residential schedule, where the children live 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent, 5 days with the first parent, and 5 days with the second parent:

4. Alternating week schedule where the children spend 1 week with one parent and the next week with the other parent (it’s generally a good idea to add in mid-point evenings and/or overnights). This schedule repeats throughout the year:

It’s important to carefully consider your child’s needs and each parent’s responsibilities to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangement for your child.  Simply focus on what would work best now, knowing it can and often will change as the children get older.

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The Key to Custody and Parenting Time Agreements Without Going to Court

If you have kids and are separated or divorced, this post is for you – especially if you want to stay out of court.

The big takeaway is this – be able to master the Herculean task of negotiating and working with the other parent.

If you’re not yet divorced, custody and parenting time arrangements will need to be made for your children.  The least contentious and less costly way is to come to an agreement with the other parent.

The custody and parenting time arrangements are then finalized in a written legal document.  To find out what to include in a custody and parenting time order, check out this post.

But what if you’re already divorced and need to change your original custody and parenting time terms?  The new agreement would typically be in the form of a “consent order” that gets signed by the judge and entered by the court.

Specifically, you might wish to change the terms of your original custody and parenting time if, for example:

• One parent intends to move or has moved closer to the other parent;
• The child wishes to spend more time with the other parent; or
• One or both parents’ work schedule has changed.

In such situations, you might consider working with the other parent instead of going to court.

After all, going to court is incredibly expensive and unpredictable.  Not to mention, the emotional costs involved in ongoing acrimony without resolution.

To work together, it’s important to keep front and center in your mind your desire to remain amicable to ease the emotional strain on your kids.  It’s generally easier to navigate the terrain when you know where you want to end up.

Next, get curious.  Find out as much as you can about the other parent’s views.  Relay that it’s important that you understand where he or she is coming from.  That way, you’re better able to both come up with a solution that works for both of you and most importantly, your children.

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