Is “Nesting” Right for You? When Kids Stay in the Home and Separated Parents Move Out

When you’re a separated or divorcing parent, chances are you’re concerned about the kids if you or your spouse were to move out of the home.

To help ease the transition for kids, more divorcing parents are considering a parenting time arrangement called “nesting” instead of moving the kids between two separate residences.

Nesting is when the kids stay in the marital home and each spouse takes turns moving in and out.  Before deciding on a nesting arrangement, however, here are 5 things you need to consider:

1. Nesting generally works best when both parents trust each other and can communicate respectfully.
2. Nesting can risk giving kids an inaccurate message that you are working on reconciliation.  Kids tend to fantasize and wish for their parents to work things out and get back together.  Both of you would need to explain to your children that nesting does not mean you will get back together and is temporary.
3. Both parents are to be willing to respect each other’s privacy.
4. Nesting often makes it difficult for either parent to enter a serious relationship, which can become awkward when nesting.
5. Parents might invade each other’s personal space, leave a mess, or fail to purchase certain groceries.

It’s not uncommon for divorcing parents to draw the kids into such conflicts by questioning them on what happened when the other parent was with them or pointing out the other parent’s deficiencies.

Any of this can have significant adverse consequences for kids’ emotional health.   That’s why it’s so important to have a detailed custody and parenting time agreement that spells out details that include:

• When the nesting period will end and a specific schedule as to when each parent is in the home;
• Depending on the ages of your kids, the schedule for such things as homework, activities, meals, and medical needs;
• Which parent is responsible for which household chores; for example, who pays the bills and from which funds or who mows the lawn?
• Which spaces are considered each parent’s private space and what happens if one or both parents begin dating?  Is his or her partner allowed to spend the night?

It’s important to carefully consider whether or not a nesting arrangement is right for both you and your spouse, and of course, your kids.

To help you decide, it’s generally best to consult with an experienced mental health professional as well as your attorney about any potential legal consequences.

Your attorney can also work with you to draft an effective custody and parenting time agreement.  The right agreement would protect your interests and facilitate the well being of your children during what can be a tumultuous time.

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The Secret to Managing Your Emotions for Closer Relationships

As social distancing continues and anxiety increases about the future, close relationships are especially important to our emotional and physical well-being.

Likewise, maintaining connections with those most important to us – Spouses, family, friends, bosses, and co-workers – leads to greater happiness and resiliency, with reduced stress and anxiety.

The number one key to improving our relationships and connecting with those most important to us is the quality of our communication.

While it’s common to experience anger in any relationship, the key is to make sure we don’t let anger damage the relationship.

It’s therefore important to manage our emotions when communicating with the people most important to us.  Obviously, this is much easier said than done.   Managing your emotions really just means (1) becoming aware of the emotion (like rising anger) before reacting; (2) calming down; and (3) responding intentionally.

For instance, according to the best seller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, as you feel a rush to fight or flee, pause and notice if you are trying to win or prove you’re right in that moment.

At times, you might experience a sort of emotional “flashback.”   For instance, your boss points his finger at you to make a point, which forcibly brings up your father doing the same when you were a child.

You might not even recall the memory; you only realize you’re experiencing an overwhelmingly strong negative reaction.  In either case, it’s your signal to stop before you react and just take that breath.  Or you might excuse yourself until you’re calmer.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. — Viktor Frankl.

It’s also common to avoid saying anything at all when we become angry with someone.  But the more you avoid, the more your emotions bottle up.  And the more likely you might explode or “cope” by turning to any type of unhealthy distractions or addictions.

At the same time, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

Therefore, if you’re feeling angry at someone, it’s important to take a pause and first recognize you might not have all the facts.

When you’re genuinely committed to keeping your relationships close and strong, you become much more motivated to manage your emotions.

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Yours, Mine, Or Ours? Dividing Assets and Debts in Divorce

If you’re like many spouses facing divorce, you might believe that marital assets and debts are divided according to which spouse owns a particular asset or incurred certain debts.

For example, suppose you have one or more bank or investment accounts in your name.  Or your spouse charged up large outstanding balances on credit cards in his name.

In this example, you might assume you would keep the accounts in your name and your spouse would have to pay “his” credit cards.

But not according to New Jersey divorce laws.  Rather, marriage is considered its own entity separate and apart from each spouse.

In other words, generally, as long as assets and debts were acquired after the marriage date, they belong to what you might consider the “marital enterprise.”

Therefore, conceptually speaking, divorce (or marital dissolution as it’s often referred to by the court), is not really much different from a partnership business dissolution.

For instance, both business partners might negotiate the terms for dissolution or refer to an existing partnership agreement on the disposition of assets and liabilities.

Similarly, most New Jersey divorces are settled by mutual agreement in what’s called a  “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

Generally, in addition to custody and parenting time for children, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically spells out specific provisions on matters like financial support and division of the marital assets and debts.

That’s why before the Marital Settlement Agreement is drafted, divorcing spouses will generally exchange formal itemizations and financial statements for all marital assets and debts owned in either or both names.

Typically, the lawyers for both spouses negotiate and draft the Marital Settlement Agreement.  The lawyers also typically file the legal documents with the court required to obtain your Judgment of Divorce.

It’s important to recognize that once you get married, the law treats “the marriage” as a separate and distinct entity.  And much like a business, the assets and debts belong to the marriage entity and generally get distributed to each spouse when dissolving the marriage.

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The Key to Satisfying Relationships: Inside Tips from a Leading Expert

There’s no denying that when we have satisfying intimate personal relationships, we generally experience less stress, greater emotional and physical well-being, and more resiliency to bounce back from adversity.

Likewise, it’s no secret that solid relationships and professional success go hand in hand.

According to Keith Ferrazzi, acclaimed entrepreneur and leading global expert in networking and professional relationship development, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships.

Keith Ferrazzi is a #1 NY Times Bestselling Author of Never Eat Alone and Who’s Got Your Back, Founder & Chairman of Ferrazzi Greenlight, and an executive team coach to some of the most prominent organizations in the world.

In his insightful and impactful online course, Mastering Authentic Networking I recently took, Ferrazzi points out that an essential element of any good strong solid relationship, whether professional or personal, is your ability to be candid with the other person.  Being candid means being forthright; not abusive or aggressive.

Likewise, the inability to speak your truth and the inability to be heard is the detriment to all relationships.  In other words, it’s what Ferrazzi calls “Tea-pot” candor, which he explains like this.

If something needs to be said, it’s a flame.  You put a teapot on top of that flame.  That flame will begin to boil the water.  People will start to feel things. And as people feel things, if the top is off, if candor is flowing freely, if people can feel comfortable with each other in saying what they’re feeling and thinking, then it’s fine.

But if the top is on, then the steam begins to build pressure.  And that steam needs to come out in different ways.  It will come out in spurts of passive-aggressive behavior.  Or it might just blow the top off in terms of a temper outburst because it wasn’t able to be expressed.

Also, according to Ferrazzi, the freedom to give and receive candor comes with building both intimacy and generosity in the relationship.  Because the more generosity there is, particularly when each of you feels safe enough to be vulnerable, the more solid and meaningful your relationship will be.

Think of being generous as giving the other person what he or she needs.  Particularly in our intimate personal relationships, I know how hard this can be when we feel our own needs are not being met.  But consider this.  What if we first become generous with the other person without expecting anything in return?  After all, as the saying goes, you get what you give.  Or you reap what you sow.

Think of being generous as the same as when you go to pick out a birthday gift for someone special.  You think about what that person likes and what they might enjoy receiving.  You wouldn’t typically consider only what you would want to receive.

It’s the same with what you can give in your relationship.  Things the other person would like and appreciate.  For instance, in your personal relationship, maybe you know she likes a certain kind of flower, or she always needs a hug when she hangs up the phone with her mother.  Or he likes to know you value his opinion or expertise.

In a business or professional relationship, maybe it’s the newest book from an author he admires.

It’s things like these, that might not seem like much in the moment, especially when we have so many other things to do.  But doing them regularly and consistently, over time can and will make a big difference in any relationship.

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