Do You Really Need a Lawyer to Handle Your New Jersey Divorce?

If you’re like many people considering divorce, you might be leery about getting lawyers involved.  After all, it’s a common belief that lawyers mean fighting and expensive legal fees.

As a family lawyer now for over 20 years, unfortunately, I know of many divorce lawyers who are needlessly aggressive and overpriced.   Which is really a shame.

Because just when you’re most vulnerable is when you most need a lawyer who will protect and guide you – with your needs and goals top of mind.

A good divorce lawyer can protect you by covering key considerations for child custody and appropriate financial support for your kids.  Similarly, when it comes to things like amount and duration of alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you’ll need to defer to New Jersey law to determine what’s fair.

Overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, it often requires costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

So, like with any other professional you rely on, it’s important to choose wisely when selecting a lawyer to handle your divorce.

For instance, when deciding if a particular lawyer is right for you, make sure to notice if the lawyer listens to you.  You should generally avoid the lawyer who is in a hurry to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

By the same token, a lawyer with significant family law experience will often use more cost-effective alternatives than going right to court, saving you time, money, and emotional energy.

Ultimately, you should go with your gut feeling when selecting your attorney.  Keep in mind that first impressions aren’t likely to change.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here

Powerful Co-Parenting Checklist to Ease Divorce Transition for Kids

No doubt about it –  divorce is a topsy-turvy crazy emotional time  – for kids and parents alike.  And trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

As both a child of divorce and a family lawyer for over 20 years, I want to help make things even just a bit easier for parents struggling emotionally with divorce.  Below is a powerful checklist to help ease the divorce transition for your kids.

1.      Try to keep the kids in the same school if at all possible.  To lose the continuity of the same friends, teachers, and overall school environment could be even more traumatic for your child adjusting to the divorce shakeup.

2.        Be intentional about interacting with the other parent with courtesy and respect.  Do not fight or argue, or talk about the details of the divorce in front of the kids.

3.        Make an effort to respect the other parent’s privacy.  Refrain from asking the children questions about the other parent’s dating activities, for instance.

4.       Do not ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.       Make every effort to support the other parent’s relationship with the child so your child feels free to love both of you.

6.      Do not make disparaging comments about the other parent or allow family or friends to make such comments.

7.      Make it a point to freely share information about their child.  Consider online tools such as OurFamilyWizard.

8.       Depending on the ages of the kids, stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, wakeup time, homework schedule, and curfews.  Also try to keep rules, expectations, and consequences similar in both homes.

9.       Keep the celebration of holidays and birthdays relatively the same.  For instance, if Thanksgiving or Christmas was traditionally spent with one side of the family, it’s generally a good idea to continue those traditions, for at least the time being.

10.     Encourage ongoing relationships for your kids with extended family members.  When parents divorce, sometimes kids lose their cousins, aunts, and uncles on one or both sides of the family.  The more people who love and care about your kids the less painful the divorce will be.

11.     For extensive professional advice and tips on co-parenting before, during, and after divorce, read Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child.

Keeping your child front and center when making decisions can go a long way towards avoiding long term negative emotional effects on your child.

The importance of how the divorce transition unfolds for kids cannot be overstated.  It is a time when parents play a pivotal role in their emotional well-being and in the success of their relationships down the road.

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Three Simple Steps to Calm Your Emotions During Conflict

Think of a time when a conversation suddenly turns heated.  Perhaps a co-worker makes a derogatory comment to you in front of colleagues.  Or a close friend neglects to call you on your birthday.  Or your spouse nags and criticizes you.

When you have a strong interest in maintaining harmony or strengthening an important relationship, managing your emotions can make all the difference.

When conflicts like these arise, our brains are biologically hardwired to automatically react to a perceived threat to our safety.  And then the brain’s automatic “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction literally takes over.

In that heated emotional moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need most to think rationally and intentionally.  And that’s when we are likely to say something that makes things worse.

The good news is you can take back control and turn things around to improve communication and your relationship.  Below are 3 simple steps to taking control and circumventing the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction:

1.        Notice what you’re feeling.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Suspend all thought and judgment.  Let go of whatever story you’re telling yourself in the moment.

3.        Breathe and Count.  Breathe in and count 1-2-3-4.  Breathe out as you count 1-2-3-4-5-6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our ability to do so.

It’s also possible to make a habit of calming your brain during conflict so it becomes automatic.  Every day, practice controlling your thoughts.  For instance, whenever you find yourself having restless thoughts about the past or future, simply stop, breathe, and pay attention to where you are and who you’re with.  In other words, practice being mindful.  I’ve found guided mediations helpful.

Daily repetition is key.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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How Relationship Conflicts Can Literally Make You Sick

In any relationship, whether at work or home, conflict is inevitable.  You might not be surprised that relationship conflict can affect your mental and emotional health.  But did you know it can also affect you physically?

Relationship conflict is any kind of struggle, disagreement, argument, or dispute between two people in a relationship – whether between partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, or co-workers.

Whether you’re angry or disappointed in something your partner did or said, or you lash out at a colleague who undermines you, you can end up in conflict.

When the conflict in your relationship is ongoing, it creates stress that can negatively affect the health and well-being of both you and your partner.

Relationship conflict can actually be healthy and productive if you use it to learn how the other person sees things and can develop creative solutions.  On the other hand, ongoing unresolved conflict can not only create tension at home or work, it can cause physical pain or sickness.

Emotions, when not felt or expressed, are held in your body – think “butterflies” or “nervous stomach” or your heart racing with fear or excitement.

According to The Great Pain Deception: Faulty Medical Advice Is Making Us Worse by Steven Ray Ozanich, published just recently, the way emotions can get stuck in your body is essentially this.  Someone close to you made you angry and your first instinct was to yell at them.  But because you knew it would be counterproductive to scream, you held back.  As a result, residual tension could get stored in your neck area, creating physical pain.

In any event, ongoing unresolved relationship conflict can lower your immune system making you more susceptible to any number of illnesses.  It can also result in tension headaches or migraines, and chronic pain in areas like your back or neck.

Therefore, it’s important to develop effective and productive communication skills to resolve conflict productively and strengthen your most important relationships.

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