How to Control Anxiety for Greater Personal Connection with Others

Our relationships and connections with others tend to suffer when we’re feeling anxious.  Yet ironically, it’s our relationships and connections that play a key role in our overall well-being.

Unfortunately, when anxiety escalates, we’re unable to think straight and react in the heat of the moment.  Which does not bode well for maintaining close and meaningful relationships with others.

But the good news is we can control our emotions and reactions and keep our relationships strong.

So, how can we get control of anxiety in any given moment and interact with others authentically rather than from an anxious state?

Whenever we feel attacked, personally insulted, threatened, or fearful, our sympathetic nervous system takes over and we experience what’s known as a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction.  Simply put, the reasoning part of our brains shuts down and we’re unable to respond rationally in the heat of the moment.

On the other hand, our parasympathetic nervous system, informally referred to as the rest and digest system, inhibits the body from overworking and restores the body to a calm and composed state.

Ideally, both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems would be in balance.  When, however, we experience chronic stress, not uncommon particularly during this global pandemic, the body spends too much time in “fight or flight” mode, and very little in “rest and digest.”

To gain control of anxiety for calmer, more fulfilling connection in your relationships, start by spending more time in “rest and digest” mode.  The more we practice activating our rest and digest parasympathetic nervous system, the more we’ll have it when we need it most.  Here are 5 things to practice routinely:

1.       Deep breathing.  You might try these out (I’ve found Alternate Nostril Breathing particularly effective);
2.       Meditation;
3.       Regular exercise or yoga;
4.       Screen time breaks.  To learn more, check out this article.
5.       Gently running your finger over your lips (haven’t tried this one yet…)

You can bet I’ll be doing one or more of these daily – these are stressful times – and I invite you to join me!

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Three Tips for Navigating the Holidays for Separated or Divorced Parents

Divorce can be one of life’s most difficult transitions.  If you’re a parent and are recently separated or divorced, here are 3 tips for sharing the kids with your spouse during the holidays.

1.        Have your lawyer draft up a custody and parenting time agreement.

These agreements typically include holidays, school breaks, and vacations.  Or, you might have an informal agreement with the other parent.  Either way, it’s generally best to avoid leaving holiday plans up to the kids.  It’s not uncommon for kids to feel guilty about leaving one parent alone.  And kids generally benefit from an established routine, particularly during the holidays.

2.        Keep holiday traditions in place.

If one side of the family traditionally hosts Christmas day, it’s generally a good idea to continue that tradition to maintain consistency and routine for the kids.

3.        Consider new holiday traditions.

Encouraging your kids to put their talents and interests to work for a good cause can help ease the transition for them – and you.

If your child enjoys cooking or baking, you might consider making meals to donate to a local soup kitchen or senior center.   Or baking cookies and wrapping them up to deliver to neighbors.  The key is to use your imagination to create festive new traditions that can be shared with your children for years to come.

When it comes to divorce and navigating the holidays with kids, consistency, and stability is important, as is remaining open and flexible.

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How to Free Yourself to Focus on What Matters Most

Over the course of the past crazy months of the global pandemic, I found myself resisting – and resenting – what was.

And in my resentful state, I noticed how easy it was to become irritated with others – and just about anything.

Just recently, I suddenly had an epiphany.  What if I just simply allowed things to be as they are right now?

Allowing gave me a certain freedom.  I suddenly felt lighter, like a burden had been lifted.

And when I stopped using up all kinds of energy resisting and resenting, I noticed I had the freedom to decide what my life circumstances would look like.

To decide my next move, I started to look to my values – the things that really matter to me.

According to renowned life coach Tony Robbins, becoming aware of your values is the key to making wise choices in all aspects of your life, from picking a partner to buying a house.

One of my core values, for instance, is respect, which includes respecting other’s right to have opinions and beliefs that differ from mine.

So, whenever I notice myself judging, I can start with allowing what is.  And then remember wait…it’s important that I respect the right to that opinion or belief.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins

I also value personal connection.  After all, it is our close relationships that keep us grounded and secure that we are part of a larger community – at home, at work, and in the world.  I noticed that I tended to feel unfulfilled without deep and authentic relationships in my day-to-day life.

So, when I get find myself getting angry or annoyed, I know that reacting emotionally in the moment will only make things worse and create distance in the relationship.

Instead, I find it helps to pause, acknowledge, and really feel the emotion (even if it means taking a short break).  I find this instantly helps to see things from the other person’s view, which brings us closer.

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.” -Esther Perel

Below are 3 ways to uncover your values:

1.   Be specific in defining your most important values.  Some examples include family, integrity, honoring your commitments, respect, compassion, making a difference, excellence, and honesty.

2.   Ask yourself who you want to be.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

3.   Before you make a choice or act, ask yourself if you’re acting in line with your most important values and who you want to be.

This is the “value” of values – consistently making sure that what you do and how you act reflects what is most important to you.

And once we know your values, we really can use them as a roadmap to guide the decisions we make each day.

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