The One Way to Achieve Greater Personal Connection When We Need it Most

As human beings, we crave love and connection with others.  As global pandemic restrictions and social distancing approach the one-year mark, maintaining that essential connection requires focus and effort.

We are not currently able to participate in group activities like sports, theater, or in-person classes that naturally promote connection.

What exactly is connection?  Essentially, connection is having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar beliefs or opinions.  It is when there is a sense of “oneness” and belonging to something greater than ourselves.

As essential as connection is, there is no real way that we are taught how to foster authentic connection with others.  I happened to come across one thing we can all do to develop greater personal connection at a time when we need it most.

As a family lawyer by trade, why am I writing about connection?  And what do I know about it?

After seeing families fall apart every day – including my own when I was a child – I started to notice a pattern.  I saw how each and every couple and family had become hopelessly disconnected –  in ways that ultimately lead to misunderstandings, anger, heartache, fear, sadness, anxiety, and a general sense of feeling out of control.

That’s when I became all about helping people take charge by communicating and connecting to bring about cooperation.  That way, they are able to more quickly and amicably reach agreements on the decisions that matter most.

So, what is the one thing we can do to develop greater connection with others in our daily lives?

As hard as it can be, we have to be willing to be vulnerable.  Willing to keep trying, keep showing up for others, and reaching out.  In other words, we have to be willing to get out there and trust others – those who will value and respect our time and efforts.

Research professor and bestselling author, Brené Brown, can readily be considered an expert on trust and vulnerability.  In fact, Dr. Brown came up with the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G as an actionable test to determine whether or not we can trust someone, which is comprised of the following:  Boundaries; Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment, and Generosity.  I highly recommend checking it out here.

In these unusual times, it is up to us to think of new and creative ways to reach out to our loved ones and others within our families and communities, and beyond.  And to be willing to trust – over and over.  Because it is only when we see that others love and respect us for who we are, how we think and feel, that we learn to accept and love ourselves.  And it is then that our relationships can truly flourish.

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Level Up Your Negotiating Game with a Cue from Improv

Whether we know it or not, we’re negotiating all the time – from business partners, vendors, investors, and employees to spouses, or kids, or other family members.

Negotiation is essentially the process by which we reach agreements.  The most successful negotiators are able to think on their feet to instantly respond to new information.

This is where improv (short for improvisational theater or performance) can make a big difference in the success of your next negotiation.  Improv teaches us to set aside our personal agendas and egos.  It teaches us how to listen, sense others around us, trust our instincts, and be spontaneous and confident in the moment.

Much like successful negotiators, improv actors need to listen carefully, communicate clearly, and be spontaneous at any given moment.  These same skills are critical to negotiating.

The basic rule of improv is to say “Yes, and…”  When you say  “Yes, and…,” you accept what the other person says and then you build on it.

This rule is so effective in negotiating because everyone wants to feel heard and valued. And even just listening can be a powerful concession to the other person’s need to be heard.

By the same token, when you say “Yes, and…” in a negotiation, you immediately take your ego off the table.  You acknowledge the other person’s reality and add to it as a partner in the solution, not as someone who knocks it down by saying “but.”

Essentially, saying “Yes, and…” builds on others’ ideas and keeps the conversation moving forward.  Most importantly, everyone feels heard and valued.  And that is how you connect with other people.

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Two Powerful Ways to Strengthen Your Romantic Relationship

When we look solely to the other person to fill our needs in a romantic relationship, things can quickly fall apart.

I was guilty of doing this myself in previous relationships.  And now, people often come to me about divorce after many years of pent up resentment from unfulfilled needs in the marriage.

Because, as I have found, depending on our significant other for satisfaction, happiness, validation, and self-worth often leads to conflict and can ultimately lead to breakup and divorce.  Rather, it’s far healthier for the relationship to enhance us as individuals and make us happy.

You might have heard the common piece of advice that you have to love yourself before you can be in a relationship.  But I think that, at least to some extent, we all have challenges with self-love.  And I’ve personally found that self-love is an ongoing process.

With that said, however, the more self-love at any given time, the better the relationship at that point.  Such that when relationship conflict inevitably occurs, you can confidently manage it toward a stronger more connected relationship.

Here are 2 important ways to fill up your self-love tank and strengthen your relationship:

1.        Claim your own happiness.

The truth is that only you can make yourself happy.  Not your partner.  Not anyone.  It just isn’t their responsibility.  I used to rely on my previous relationships to make me happy.  What a disaster.

What your significant other can do is enhance the happiness you bring to the relationship.  Trust me, this is tough stuff.  But well worth it once you commit, which I continue to do each day.

2.        Be open to seeing the big picture.

We all have shortcomings, things about ourselves that we’re not so proud of.  Perhaps we have learned to live with them, but they really irritate our partner.  For example, I was only just recently able to see that I can be bossy and impatient.

Denying our own shortcomings can really hurt the relationship.  But seeing is half the battle.  Now, when I notice my shortcomings, I can change course.  By the same token, see in yourself what your partner sees in you.

I believe self-love is important for reaping the rewards of a healthy relationship.  Because you’re then equipped to positively contribute to the relationship and confidently steer conflicts towards greater understanding and connection.

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The Key to Transforming Conflict in Your Relationships into Connection

Conflict is an unavoidable part of life.  When we want to have close and strong relationships with others, the way we handle conflict defines those relationships.

In my experience, both personal and professional, conflict happens when there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.  We can successfully handle any interpersonal conflict when we can effectively manage our emotions.

The Basics

Taking regular care of yourself is essential to being able to bring your best to any relationship.

On a daily basis, it’s generally a good idea to prioritize getting enough sleep, exercise, the right diet, nutrition, and hydration (not drinking enough water can lead to fatigue and crankiness too!).  I, for one, find myself much more irritable when I’m “hangry” or don’t get enough sleep.

Pay Attention

For the most part, we’ve been raised to think rather than feel.  And we can have a really hard time being ok with the not-so-pretty emotions of ourselves and others.  As a result, we can feel less compassionate and isolated.

The first thing we can do when someone says or does something that irks us is to notice what we feel – instead of just automatically launching into defensive mode.  Because when we lash out in anger or hurt against someone we love, it only makes things worse.

So, if you want a strong close relationship with someone, make managing your emotions a top priority.

Let’s say you’re really angry about something your spouse said to you.  You might try telling yourself I’m noticing the thought that _____.  And you can ask yourself if that thought is really true (chances are, I’ve found, it’s not).

If you tend to believe your thought, you can then label the feeling you’re having.  As you name the emotion, feel what the emotion physically feels like in your body (for example, pounding heart, neck muscles tightened, queasy stomach).

The key is to put all thoughts on hold and separate out just experiencing the feeling.  This allows you to notice rather than be, the emotion, thought, and physical sensation.

I’ve found it extremely helpful to practice noticing your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations every day to make it a habit.  That way, you’ll have it available when it matters most to turn relationship conflict into meaningful connections.

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