Four Simple Tips for Deeper Personal Connection with Others

To truly connect with others, you might think of a card game.  You flip over your card to see what is really there.   And to see is to really listen to the other person and see things as they appear from the other side.

We are often quick to judge and label others.  After all, labels can help us feel safe and make sense of the world.  For example, you might label someone as “selfish” or “inconsiderate” for not doing what they promised to do.  Or maybe “ignorant” if they said something that hurt you.

Labeling is also common in our professional lives.  In an important business negotiation, for example, you might label your counterpart a “jerk” when he refuses to agree to anything.

All of a sudden, connection is lost.  You might even call it quits and end the relationship or negotiation and head to court.  So instead of labeling, try looking.  Flip over that card and find out what’s there by first listening – really listening.

Listening is a lost art.  It’s also an essential life skill.  But these days, conversations often consist of trying to be heard or planning responses in our head while the other talks. Or worse, which happens with phone or virtual conversations, multitasking in the background.

In any event, whenever anyone feels unheard, we become disconnected from one another.  Here are 4 simple tips for deeper connections with others, whether at home or at work:

1.        Maintain eye contact and hear them out.

Allow the other person to finish talking.  If you catch yourself interrupting, you might simply apologize and let them finish what they’re saying.

2.        Listen for what they want from you.

One thing I’ve come to learn (with difficulty) is not to give unsolicited advice.  If someone wants your advice or opinion, they’ll ask.  If you’re not sure, it’s generally a good idea to ask first if they’d like your opinion.   Many times, people simply want to blow off steam or need a shoulder to lean on.

3.        Picture yourself as the other person in that moment.

When you’re truly listening, you’re in a sort of “zone.”  You’re not thinking of yourself or judging.  Essentially, you’re seeing things solely in the way the other person sees them.

4.        Acknowledge.

When you’re in that listening zone, you’re likely to naturally indicate your understanding. You might be inclined to nod your head, for instance, or say something like “yes” or “I hear you.”

Listening is crucial to connecting in every area of our lives.  And when we connect with others, we all win. So flip over that card and see what’s on the other side.

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Divorce and Kids: What Your Children Are Likely Thinking and the Four Answers They Need

Divorce can be tough – and when you have kids, you might tend to worry about how they’ll handle this difficult transition.

As a family lawyer for over 20 years and a former teen of divorced parents, I know all too well the many ways divorce can affect children.

Here are four of the most common thoughts and fears that children have about divorce – even if they don’t say it directly.

1.         “It’s all my fault.”

One of the most common worries is that your son or daughter may be the cause of your divorce.

The first thing to do is to assure them the divorce is not their fault.   That you both love them and always will.

You can help your child avoid feeling ashamed by your divorce by making it clear the divorce is not a reflection on them.

You might say that you and your spouse made the decision together (even if you didn’t ) and you both feel it is the best decision for the family (even if you don’t).

2.         “Maybe you’ll get back together.”

It’s very common for kids to be hopeful that you’ll stay together after all.

They might watch how you interact together –  and if it looks like you’re getting along, they can become hopeful you’ll get back together.

If your decision to divorce is final, it’s important to tell that to your children.

It’s generally best to be firm, yet gentle.  They’re likely to experience their own grief about the divorce.

3.         “You might stop loving me too.”

Younger children, in particular, might worry if they do something bad or you get mad at them, you’ll stop loving them and perhaps even leave them too.

They might be on their best behavior around you.  Or become reluctant to express an opinion you might disagree with.

Whether or not your child comes out and says it, it’s important to reassure your son or daughter that you will both always be their parents and always love them no matter what.

4.         “Where will I live?”

It’s very common for children of divorcing parents, regardless of age, to worry about moving away and leaving their friends behind.

Children generally tend to thrive on consistency, structure, and routine.

Therefore, it’s a good idea for you and your spouse to first develop a custody and parenting time agreement together.

At a minimum, the agreement should include where the children will primarily live, whether they will stay in the same school or district, and how often and when they will they spend time with each of you.

Even if you and your spouse don’t yet have a formal agreement on custody and parenting, you can still give your children the details they want and need to know to put their minds at ease.

As difficult as it can be when going through your own emotional turmoil with divorce, knowing your kids have the answers they need can go a long way towards easing the transition for everyone.

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What To Expect in Your New Jersey Divorce

It is a common misconception that divorce means going to court and having a judge make important decisions about child custody, alimony, or how to divide the marital assets.

To the contrary, the overwhelming majority of divorce cases in New Jersey are actually settled by mutual agreement.

Therefore, when you and your spouse have agreed on decisions including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts, you would both typically sign a divorce agreement, often called a “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement generally gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

Generally, you and your spouse would sign your divorce agreement once you are each satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued.  An experienced family lawyer can properly guide you in this process.

For instance, your lawyer would typically have you complete a Case Information Statement.  The Case Information Statement, or CIS, is a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets, and liabilities.

The CIS is generally filed with the court and exchanged with your spouse.  The CIS is often considered the most important document in a divorce case.  Generally, it provides your financial profile.

The CIS is important because it: (1) tells your lawyer most things needed to know about your financial status; and (2) facilitates disclosure of the same information to your spouse that he or she will need so there can be meaningful talks of settlement.  Without the information contained in the CIS, neither spouse will likely be able to make informed decisions about the significant financial issues.

Therefore, even if neither of you has yet filed a Complaint for Divorce with the court, you can still exchange Case Information Statements because the information is so crucial in a divorce.

The Case Information Statement is an important part of what’s often called “discovery” in a divorce case.  The term “discovery” refers to the exchange of information by each spouse.  The purpose of discovery is for each of you to obtain such information as the values of marital income, assets, and debts.

Discovery may also be obtained by Interrogatories, Notices to Produce financial and other records and subpoenas.  Discovery also includes obtaining necessary valuations of such assets like the marital residence and pensions.   Finding out values for certain assets, however, like a home or business, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

Your lawyer can help you generate settlement options, conduct strategic negotiations on your behalf, draft and review your Marital Settlement Agreement, and file a divorce complaint and other necessary legal documents with the court so that a divorce can be entered.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

Three Powerful Tips for Connecting Better with Others in Every Area of Your Life

Social connection is an essential human need.  According to research professor and best-selling author, Brené Brown, at the root of our desires for money, power, fame, beauty, or eternal youth is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, and to be loved.

Connection is having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar beliefs or opinions.  It is when there is a sense of “oneness” and belonging to something greater than ourselves.

In my work as a family lawyer, I sadly see over and over again how easy it is for couples and families to become hopelessly disconnected.  And how couples, in the process of reaching agreements about their children and financial futures, gain a greater understanding and a sense of cooperation.

In the meantime, solid scientific evidence shows that social connection and relationships improve our physical health and mental and emotional well-being.

Conversely, according to one landmark study, lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure.  Simply put, neglecting our need to connect puts our physical, mental, and emotional health at risk.

I think this is what makes dealing with global pandemic restrictions and social distancing so difficult.  It’s been almost one year that we’ve been in this collective sort of alternate universe compared to the way we as humans live our daily lives.  And with so many of us feeling the pain of loneliness and isolation.

But what we can do in the meantime is to learn to connect with others in more creative ways.  Here are 3 powerful tips:

1.        Speak the language of connection.

When having a conversation, it can help to be intentional when you want to deepen the relationship.  You might ask questions, such as “Why is that? If you don’t mind me asking”; “That’s interesting, and then what happened?” or “That makes sense. What else?”

Notice you’re not just firing off questions, which can often come across as abrupt.  These questions also engender trust and encourage the other person to share authentically.  These types of questions demonstrate you are really interested in what they have to say.

2.        Acknowledge the other person’s perspective.

When someone becomes emotional during a conversation, immediately label what he or she is feeling.  For example, “Wow that’s really scary.”  This immediately calms the other person down because now they feel heard.  You might also try summarizing the other person’s views back to them in detail.

3.        Manage your emotions.

In order to truly connect during emotionally-charged conversations, we need to be able to gain control over our emotions.  It takes regular practice to make it an automatic habit.

Every day, for instance, you might practice controlling your thoughts. Whenever you find yourself having restless thoughts about the past or future, simply stop, breathe, and pay attention to where you are and who you’re with.  In other words, practice being mindful. Guided meditations can also be very helpful.

Daily repetition is also key.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

It’s can be easy to lose sight of how hard it is, and yet how good it feels, to really connect with other people.  To have the ability to relate and communicate.  It’s something we need now more than ever.

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