Dos and Don’ts of Hiring a Lawyer If You Want an Amicable Divorce

It’s common to come to divorce without wanting to involve lawyers – especially if you want an amicable divorce.  After all, lawyers are known for adding conflict to any situation – while charging an arm and a leg just for a phone call.

So, if you want your divorce to be amicable, you would naturally be reluctant to hand over a pile of your hard-earned money to some lawyer who will only make things worse.

If you want to settle your divorce amicably, there are certain lawyers you are generally better off avoiding.  Here are 3 common types:

1.          The adversary.

These are lawyers who view every case as a fight.  Adversarial lawyers focus mainly on finding ways to attack their adversaries instead of looking for common ground.

While lawyers are generally trained to be advocates for their clients within the adversarial legal system, this can cause big problems when it comes to handling divorces.

A lawyer who focuses on being an adversary generally drives spouses farther apart.  This makes it harder to not only reach an agreement but to co-parent your children.  An adversarial approach also generally lengthens the amount of time it takes to reach an amicable divorce agreement and legal fees can quickly get out of hand.

2.          The Dabbler.

These are lawyers who are either inexperienced or do not practice mostly matrimonial or family law.  They might handle a parking ticket in the morning, a probate matter in the afternoon, and in between might work on a couple of divorce cases.  The rules and issues in family law matters, however, are particularly unique and your lawyer should be familiar with how to navigate these in your best interests.

3.          The Bait and Switch.

These are the law firms where you first meet with an experienced partner, only to later be handed off to an inexperienced associate lawyer who is barely out of law school.  The inexperienced associate often spends much more time – and money – on your case than is actually necessary.

Then there are those lawyers you really should have in your divorce.  The ones who have your back and can save you time and money by guiding you to an amicable divorce settlement.   These are generally lawyers who are:

1.     Experienced.

They have many years of experience and focus mainly on divorce and family law.  An experienced divorce lawyer can be very helpful during negotiations.

A lawyer with significant family law experience often knows how to expedite the process wherever possible to save you time, money, and emotional energy.

2.     Settlement-focused.

The settlement-focused lawyer prefers to reach divorce agreements out of court.  It is rare that divorce cases go, or should go, to court.  Therefore, a lawyer’s primary mission in a divorce should be to help negotiate a reasonable settlement.

3.     Exceptional communicators.

These lawyers talk to you in plain English instead of mostly legal-ease.  They make sure you understand the divorce process.  They can effectively explain the decisions that need to be made and advise you throughout negotiations.

4.     Value your input.

These lawyers listen to you and what you want and need in your divorce.  They are not in a hurry to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

As with any professional you rely on during times you need them most, it’s important to choose wisely when selecting a lawyer to handle your divorce.

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Hardwiring for Personal Connection: Use this Neuroscientist’s 5 Steps to Change Your Brain

As human beings, we crave love and connection with others.  As scientific research shows, social connection and relationships are essential human needs that improve our physical health and mental and emotional well-being.

We feel personal connection when we have shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar beliefs or opinions.  It is when there is a sense of “oneness” and belonging to something greater than ourselves.

Yet all too often, connection with others has been lost or is missing – whether as a direct result of the pandemic or just in our everyday interactions with others.

For instance, when we interact with others in the course of a day, we tend to default to disconnection.  We have automatic thoughts, judgments, and emotional reactions that drive what we say and do next.  So, if our personal interactions are carried out while stressed, angry, or anxious, for instance, this can wreak havoc on any interpersonal relationship – whether at home or at work.

And the more we default to interacting while experiencing automatic thoughts and emotions like this, the more they automatically reappear.  Our brains are constantly changing the more we think, feel, and act the same way.  In scientific terms, this is called “neuroplasticity.”

Incredibly, neuroscientists like communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist Caroline Leaf, Ph.D., have discovered that we can actually control and direct the plasticity process in a positive direction.  Therefore, if you commit to having deep personal connections in your life, you can intentionally create those relationships by changing your brain structure.

Dr. Leaf has a concrete five-step process for changing your brain:

Step one:  Observe and Gather.

First, take a few minutes to just gather awareness of how you are feeling and what you’re thinking.  What physical sensations are you experiencing as a result of your feelings?

Dr. Leaf also suggests practicing in every moment being consciously aware of what you’re feeling, thinking, and reacting or doing.

Step 2: Reflect

Next, take a few minutes to deliberately ask yourself “why” questions and reflect on any unconscious thoughts or beliefs that come up.  For instance, why am I reacting like this? Are there any memories associated with this feeling?

Step 3: Write

Once you’ve done the first two hardest steps, write down the answers to your reflections from step 2.  This really helps you become consciously aware of your thinking process.  And writing only, no typing.  As Dr. Leaf notes, writing is scientifically proven to activate certain parts of the brain and you’re able to literally get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper, which is important, especially for managing anxiety.

Step 4: Reconceptualize

In step 4, take a few moments and ask how you can reframe your thoughts into possibilities.  What assumptions in your thinking or toxic patterns are you noticing?

Step 5: Active Reach

The last step, according to Dr. Leaf, is to take what you wrote and reconceptualized and come up with a simple action you can do when these thoughts and feelings come up again.

For example, you might commit to taking slow deep breaths in the moment.  If you feel overwhelmed, you might look at your current commitments and see what you can give up or delegate.

Dr. Leaf notes that this 5-step process is not meant to be completed in a single day and takes long-term commitment.  After all, she notes, “real neuroplasticity happens after 63 days.”

For greater personal connection and better relationships, it’s important to first commit to that intention.  Then you know you have the power to intentionally create connected relationships in each moment.

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Marriage Crossroads: Should You Stay or Divorce?

You might feel like you’re living in limbo in your marriage.  Maybe you feel that while the marriage is not good, it’s not quite bad enough to divorce.  You just don’t know how to move forward.

It seems you’ve come to a crossroads in your marriage.  You don’t know whether to divorce or stay married.  And if you decide to stay married, how can you move forward?

Here are 5 things I’ve learned over the course of more than 20 years of marriage and as a divorce lawyer that can help forge a path forward:

1.       Accept what is.

It’s often said that we first have to accept something before we can change it.  It is easy to deny there’s a problem.  But denying it will typically only force each of you to go it alone.

While it might not be easy to accept there are problems in the marriage, accepting allows you to focus on what might have gone wrong.   And that’s when you can start to change things.

2.        Remember the beginning.

When a marriage is in trouble, remembering what you once loved about your spouse can help you decide how to move forward.   Here are more questions you might ask yourself to help the decision become clearer:

• Before you were married, what did you admire most about your spouse?
• Did you make each other laugh?
• Were you both excited to get married?
• Did you actively plan your future together?  Did you talk about having kids, where you might live?
• How did your spouse propose?

On the other hand, the way the marriage came about can be very telling.  For instance, perhaps you got married believing the other person would change, that maybe he or she would become more responsible or committed to the relationship.

Perhaps you believed you would change for the better if you got married.  Or maybe you decided to get married because you’d been dating a while and marriage seemed the next logical step.

Remembering the beginning and asking yourself these questions can lead to greater clarity about how to move forward.

3.       Put the shoe on the other foot.

Recognize there are two of you in the marriage.  Chances are your spouse feels he or she is right too.  Perhaps you can understand why he or she might feel or act the way they do.

You might ask and listen to how your spouse views things.  This doesn’t mean you have to agree.  Everyone sees things differently.  You have a story. Your spouse has a story. Listen to their story as an outside observer with complete curiosity.  Focus on the emotions you hear behind the words.  Imagine just trying to learn where they are coming from.

4       Commit to what matters.

If you have kids, recognize that no matter what happens, you will continue to raise them together and share in their life experiences.  So, when you start aligning your actions with a commitment to success as co-parents, things can change.

5        Take responsibility.

Responsibility is not the same as blame.  It’s when you take ownership of what you see as your part and how things came to be.   Often, the biggest turning point is when we begin to understand our own role in what happened.  Taking responsibility is realizing that everything that is or will be is up to you.

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Being the Change When Times Are Tough

When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

Challenges are part of life.  We are constantly being hit with new challenges that take many different forms:   Difficult people.  Losing a job.  Marital difficulties and divorce.  Sometimes things just suck.

And that’s when it can be easy to sing what I call the “if only” blues – if only he didn’t do this or not do that.  If only she would listen.  If only this hadn’t happened.  Then, I could be happy.

But as the common saying goes, you can’t change events or people, but you can change how you react to them.  So, it’s not about changing other people or circumstances.  It’s about changing our mindset.

The single most powerful mindset I’ve found is this.  Every challenge, every form of adversity, happens for you, not to you.  It means you have something to learn.  We all do.  Of course, you’re not likely to know what it is you have to learn when things really suck.

So, the mindset – and the access to learning – is knowing one simple truth:  Everything that is or will be is up to you. 

In other words, we are each completely responsible – for all our mistakes, as well as our successes and happiness.  This was a sobering, yet powerful, realization for me.

It’s so easy to blame others for our unhappiness.  But one bitter pill I’ve learned to swallow is that nobody else is responsible for my reactions but me.  Whether it’s your unhappiness, frustration, or anger – or compassion, joy, or love – you get to choose.

Choosing to take responsibility for our circumstances empowers us to make the changes we want.  Because by blaming others, we actually make ourselves powerless to change anything.  Likewise, when something goes wrong, the most powerful thing you can do is own up to your part.

For example, suppose the new employee you just hired is screwing up big time.   No matter how many times you try and steer him in the right direction, things just don’t seem to improve.

You can blame your employee for being incompetent.   Or you can own your part.  Were there any red flags you might have overlooked or rationalized that might have indicated he might not be a good fit for the job?  Or maybe you can see there are specific things he excels at and simply shift his responsibilities.

Or perhaps a close friend starts picking fights with you or starts insisting her way is the right way.  Generally, if someone is really getting under your skin, there’s a good chance they’re not feeling heard.

It takes real courage to take responsibility.  Because it can really sting, I know.  When we feel attacked, denying responsibility or blaming others can be a great defense.  After all, we generally react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own.  And I admit, when someone blames me, I default to the urge to defend myself.

But if it’s someone close to you, fighting back can potentially destroy the relationship.  Blaming others pushes people away and cuts us off from valuable friendships and other meaningful relationships.  On the other hand, taking responsibility by owning your part builds trust, promotes respect, and ultimately strengthens relationships.

There is a popular quote that says to be the change you wish to see in the world.  As Gandhi encouraged:

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.”

I believe this to be true for our relationships and our life circumstances.  When you take responsibility, you’re likely to immediately feel lighter, like a heavy weight has been lifted.  Taking responsibility empowers you to make the changes you want.

That’s when you know what you need to learn.  And that’s when you grow.

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