Finesse Your Way Through Difficult Conversations with These Four Tips

It can happen to all of us at one time or another.  You find yourself in the middle of an argument with the other person yelling at you full throttle in an angry rant.

While this type of situation hopefully doesn’t happen often for you, when it does, we’re often ill-equipped to handle them.

But how you handle these exchanges can be critical to our relationships because they usually happen with people closest to us.  So, when you find yourself in the next difficult conversation with a loved one or close friend, be prepared with these 4 powerful tips:

1.        Remain calm.

When you already have one person overreacting, you don’t want to add proverbial fuel to the fire and make things worse.  For specific ways to keep calm during conflict, check out this post.

 2.        Ignore the drama.

Or better yet, visualize the other person as a child having a temper tantrum.  Believe it or not, this works to put you in a problem-solving frame of mind.

I had a client who was able to resolve conflicts with her ex by knowing when it was time to “put a lollypop in his mouth,” figuratively of course.  This allows you to dismiss the drama and get to the underlying problem.

3.        Ask questions.

Once they stop yelling, it’s generally best to start asking questions to get them thinking.  This engages the rational part of their brain.  What you want is to move an angry situation toward the possibility of negotiating.  You might ask “how can I help with that?”

It generally helps to steer clear of making statements or explaining why you’re right so they “understand.”  It doesn’t work and typically puts the other person on the defensive.

According to political expert Frank Luntz in Words That Work , “it’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.”

4.        Actively listen.

While listening, think about why they might be saying what they’re saying.  How do they see things?

Then you can respond precisely to how they’re feeling instead of what they’re actually saying.  For example, “that must be really scary.”

What I’ve learned is this.  The way we handle conflict in our relationships tends to define the strength of those relationships.

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How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce to Keep things Amicable

If you’ve come to the sad realization that your marriage is over and don’t know how to tell your spouse, this article is for you.

You might have put in a lot of hard work and energy to save the marriage, but things just haven’t gotten better.  You know you need to move on.  And you feel comfortable with your decision.

You know it’s time to tell your spouse you want a divorce.  But what should you say?  How do you say what might be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to say?

Generally speaking, how you tell your spouse will likely determine how the divorce process will unfold for you.  And if you have kids, the way you break the news to your spouse can help or hurt your co-parenting relationship.  These tips can help soften the blow to your spouse and keep the divorce amicable:

Timing is important.

If you have children, make arrangements for them to be out of the house.  Allow enough time for the conversation.  Eliminate distractions by turning off your cell phone.

Practice what to say and how to say it.

You might say “I think you’d agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way we’ll end up hating each other.”

If you have children, you might offer “Our kids deserve better. They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

Clearly convey to your spouse you are committed to remaining respectful and reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

Prepare yourself for a variety of responses from your spouse such as anger or attempts to manipulate you into changing your mind.   Avoid becoming reactive or defensive.

Do not try to convince your spouse that this is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.

If the conversation turns toward fault or legalities, dividing assets, or paying support, simply reiterate your commitment to remaining respectful of your spouse’s feelings and reaching an amicable outcome.  Then end the conversation by offering to give your spouse some space.  The time to address the legal issue will come later as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

Be firm yet sensitive.

You can remain firm while being compassionate.  Be compassionate and respectful. Understand your spouse might not want the divorce.  Avoid wavering which could give your spouse false hopes for saving the marriage.

How to tell your spouse you hired a lawyer.

It’s generally best to prepare yourself by consulting with a knowledgeable divorce and family lawyer about outcomes to expect and how to resolve the issues in the divorce out of court.

Before you tell your spouse you’ve hired a lawyer, gauge if the timing seems right and tell him or her in a way that makes it clear you’re not looking to fight.

For example, you might say something like “I know you wouldn’t want to have the kind of lawyers involved who cause more damage and cost us money that would be better put to use for our kids and our future.  That’s why I chose someone who focuses on reaching agreement through settlement with the goal of staying out of court.”

Approaching your spouse with compassion and sensitivity can go a long way to making your divorce amicable.

Important Note: The above is not intended to address situations where domestic violence exists or is likely to exist.

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How to Allow Grief into Your Life: A Personal Perspective

My dad passed away just recently.  He’d been suffering from Parkinson’s disease in recent years and when dementia kicked in, I made an effort to mentally prepare myself for the worse.

But it’s true what they say; no matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and grief you will experience.

It’s what I can only describe as initial shock, followed by cycles of being okay one moment, then sad and crying or angry in the next.

For instance, since my father’s death, I noticed that I can be going along okay and then all of a sudden, be hit with memories and emotion.

It seemed grief came in these waves, much like waves in the ocean, that you just have to ride out.  And then there would be a break.

But when you’re experiencing the kind of loss and grief associated with the death of a loved one – or with divorce or loss of a relationship, loss of financial stability, or loss of health, to name a few, I cannot stress enough the importance of self-advocating.  Which is not so easy, at least for me.

My go-to has always been to keep the inner turmoil of my emotional life to myself or share with only a very select few family members.

I didn’t want to “burden” anyone and, for years, I believed and told myself that I needed to “keep busy” or “go to work” to keep my mind off things.

But I’ve since learned that this only suppresses and prolongs the grief feelings that are just so necessary.

What I’ve also come to learn is that emotions need to be released or they get stored in the body.  And that can manifest as painful physical, emotional, or mental symptoms.

Knowing this has helped me overcome what I call the “burden syndrome.”  And that others do care and genuinely want to help.  So, it’s okay to tell your employer or colleagues, “my dad just died,” and I need some time.  And they will understand (if they don’t, that’s another issue).

It might be more difficult to share, for example, “I’m having a particularly tough time with my divorce,”  But nevertheless; grief is grief.

And even if it’s the last thing you want to do with that time, do this.  Acknowledge that the waves will come at you.  Ride them out.  And do it again.

And perhaps during a “break” in the waves, you can experience something you enjoy.  Or something that seems more “normal.”

It’s not pretty. it’s not fun.  But as I now know, it is necessary.  And it’s good for you in the long run, as the waves become farther apart and eventually dissipate.

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Powerful Tips for Managing Family Business Conflicts in Pandemic Times and Beyond

When we accept that conflict is a part of life, we can move into learning to manage it, or ideally, transform it in a way that brings us closer in our important family and business relationships.

Conflict generally happens when there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.   

Conflict often results from lack of communication or poor communication – when we’re not effectively conveying what we’re trying to get across. 

The irony is that while conflict resolution is a crucial life skill, it’s generally not taught in school – or at home, for that matter. 

Many of us have been working from home for the past year due to the pandemic.  And with so many employees now out of sight, there can be enhanced risks that conflicts will go unnoticed or avoided until perhaps they become unmanageable. 

When the conflict in any relationship – work-related, business, or personal – is ongoing, it creates stress that can negatively affect our health and well-being.  

When we’re dealing with people who we see every day, and our success at work or in business is predicated on having successful relationships,  it’s the way we handle conflict that ultimately determines the success of those relationships. 

Generally, people deal with conflict in one of two ways.  The first way is we tend to avoid it.  When we avoid conflict, we tend to push down negatively charged emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt.  And the longer a conflict goes on, the more resentment builds.  This could ultimately lead to a complete breakdown in a family or business relationship.

The other way we tend to deal with conflict is by becoming worked up to the point where we lash out at someone else.  Depending on the things we say or how we say it, this can seriously jeopardize any relationship. 

When a conflict with a family member or co-worker arises in the business, it’s generally best to approach the other person right away with the intent to resolve the conflict.   This can be an opportunity to deepen understanding and improve the relationship. 

 Resolving conflict has certain challenges in our now remote workspace, however.  It can be generally harder to build trust, which really is essential to do before starting a difficult conversation with a family member or co-worker. 

We tend to use emails and messaging platforms more and it’s easier to misconstrue someone’s meaning in an email.   Likewise, body language can be easily misconstrued over video or video conferencing can be glitchy, which interrupts the flow of any conversation.

But what we can do – and that’s true virtually or not – is build our skill at managing our emotions.  When we can effectively manage emotions, we can successfully handle any interpersonal conflict.  

Here are 6 powerful tips for managing emotions in a conflict or difficult conversation: 

1.  Set your intention for a positive outcome.

Suspend all judgment about the other person.   Instead of automatically assuming he or she is lazy, selfish, or taking advantage, just assume there are things you don’t know that might be causing the behavior.   They might have had a bad day or a fight with their spouse, for example. 

2.        Plan your timing.

Make sure the other person is able to pay attention, or not right before a meal when you or the other person might be “hangry.” 

3.       Get clear on what you really want. 

For instance, you might think “I want to win or be right,” but what you really might want is to come to an agreement that works for both of you.

Now is a great time to connect with your values, what is really important to you.  Then match what you do next to what you really want. 

4.        Carefully weigh what you say.    

Think about what you want to convey and how it might land with the other person.

Avoid starting a difficult conversation with “we have to talk.”   Your family member or coworker is likely to expect to hear you tell him something he is doing wrong. 

Notice what you’re feeling – just take that moment to pause – see if you have the urge to win or prove you’re right. 

Then it can really make a difference to start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. 

Before responding, the first thing you want to do is just listen.  And show you’re listening by saying something like “I hear you” or lean in with body language, nodding your head. 

If you feel the urge to jump in and defend yourself, simply stop for a beat of about a breath.  Then refocus back on your intention for the outcome. 

To get anywhere in relationship conflicts, whether in a family or other business, work, or at home, requires that we stop thinking about how right we are, and literally see things from how the other person sees them. 

5.     Take responsibility.

Conflicts are rarely caused by one person.   You might ask yourself “what can I take responsibility for?”   

Acknowledging your piece is likely to build trust with your family member or business colleague and he or she is likely to respond in kind. 

6.     Get support if you need it.

All leaders need the confidence and skills to manage conflict.  Whether it’s participating in ongoing training in conflict management skills, or bringing in a skilled mediator, managing and resolving conflict can save incredible amounts of time, money, and stress.

The key to strengthening family and business relationships is to be able to not just manage conflict when it inevitably shows up, but to transform it in a way that leads to greater understanding and deeper connection. 

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