How to Take Charge of Your Emotions for Stronger Relationships

In your day-to-day interactions with those most important to you, how often do you find yourself letting your emotions get the best of you?

When this happens, you might feel stuck.  You might have said something or done something that hurt the relationship.  And you might be left feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and, in retrospect, perhaps a little ashamed.

This is when our emotions can drive us to act in ways that cut us off from connection and the intimacy that we all need and crave.

The first place to start is by recognizing and labeling the emotion – instead of identifying with it– and then putting some distance between you and the emotion.  For example, you might notice feeling sad or telling an old story of not being good enough.

It’s then that we can start to act in a way that brings us closer to others and in line with what is most important to us.  That’s where values come in and guide us.

According to renowned life coach, Tony Robbins, becoming aware of your values is the key to making wise choices in all aspects of your life.

According to Tony Robbins in his bestseller, Awaken the Giant Within, “anytime you have difficulty making an important decision, you can be sure that it’s the result of being unclear about your values.”

Here are 3 ways you can uncover your values:

1.        Identify what is most important to you.  Check out this list of values.

2.        Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

For example, when you’re caught in an emotional reaction with someone, you might be justified in your reaction, but is that reaction bringing you closer to who you want to be?

When my kids were younger, there were times I wanted to protect them and felt compelled to reach out to a teacher or another parent.  But after making my share of mistakes, I learned to first ask myself did I want to be that parent?

3.        Before you make a choice or act, ask yourself if you’re acting in line with your most important values and who you want to be.

There are small shifts we can make at any given moment.  When at home with your kids, for example, instead of immediately reaching for your phone, you might give them a hug.

This is the “value” of values – consistently making sure that what you do and how you act reflects what is most important to you.

And once we know our values, we can use them as a roadmap to guide even the smallest decisions to bring us closer to the people we care about most.

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The Art of Mastering Difficult Conversations

One of the most important life skills is knowing how to navigate difficult conversations. After all, the way we approach these conversations can make or break any relationship, whether professional or personal.

Difficult conversations might include:

• Approaching an employee or business partner not meeting expectations.
• Owing up to a mistake;
• Leaving a job; or
• Ending your marriage or relationship.

It’s often easier to avoid these conversations altogether.  But that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.  Nor does carrying around resentment.  I’ve learned to see that difficult conversations can be opportunities for personal growth and to deepen important relationships.

Finessing your way through difficult conversations mainly involves really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.  Below are 4 steps to mastering difficult conversations:

1.        Get right to the point.

First, get clear on the message you want to convey.  Make sure you know exactly what you want to talk about.  Match up the message you want to convey with how the other person is likely to hear it.

2.        Ask, don’t assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume we know why the other person is acting the way they are.  But for any difficult conversation to be successful, we need to understand where the other person is coming from.

Use tentative phrases like “it seems” or “maybe” to minimize coming off as confrontational.  For example, you might ask “What about this is important to you?”

3.        Listen effectively.

As humans, we all have a basic need to be heard and understood.  The most effective way you can listen and hear the other person is simply by being present – not just to the words being said, but the other person’s emotional experience.  You might notice emotions you hear behind the words – anger, fear, annoyance, for example.

4.        Respond with empathy.

When you’ve effectively listened to the other person, you can respond by relating to their emotions and paraphrase what you’re hearing.  For example, you might say, “it sounds like you felt betrayed.  I didn’t realize you saw things that way.”

This is likely to lead to greater trust and the other person is far more likely to listen and hear your version of things.  Share your own point of view clearly and ask for the other person’s input in a solution.

When we begin to navigate difficult conversations with an understanding and respect of another’s viewpoint, we can maintain and even strengthen our most important professional and personal relationships.

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Three Steps to Prevent Anger from Destroying Your Relationships and Your Health

Anger is a basic human emotion.  But anger can easily become toxic to our health and damaging to our relationships unless it is effectively managed and healthily communicated.  Most of us lack these critical skills.  But the good news is these are skills that can be learned.

Learning how to manage and communicate anger, can save your relationships– with your spouse, child, parent, or close friend.  And it can literally save your life.

When anger is not processed and expressed constructively, it can get internalized.  And when anger is kept in, it can turn into depression and lead to serious physical illnesses.  These include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

Anger that gets kept in simmers just below the surface and it doesn’t take much to blow up.  Likewise, anger can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior that includes belittling, nastiness, rudeness, or being overly critical of others.

None of this bodes well for our close relationships or physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being.  Below are 3 steps to prevent anger from jeopardizing your health and relationships:

1.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

2.        Stop and breathe.

The first thing to do is to calm your emotional reaction so you can see things rationally. Lashing back would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

But if your response is calm and intentional, you can literally change the course of the conversation into a productive exchange where you feel heard and understood and feel a greater sense of compassion.

So, first, notice when your anger slowly starts to build.  You feel your blood temperature start to rise.  What we do in that moment can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a full-on heated confrontation or argument.

You might imagine a big stop sign.  Then take one to three slow breaths.  Or count backward from 5 to 1, described as the 5 Second Rule.  Another very helpful trick to calm your emotions is this yoga breathing method.

3.        Rationalize.

Recognize that as humans, we are all just trying to do the best we can.   As the poet and author Maya Angelou once said, “when you know better, you do better.”   Accepting the truth of someone’s limitations can be very liberating.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to emotional triggers in the future.  And it can literally save your important relationships and your health.

For more tips on responding productively in the heat of an argument, check out this post.

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Four Types of Assets Commonly Overlooked in Divorce

Divorcing spouses typically obtain or exchange information about each other’s incomes, assets, and debts acquired during the marriage.  This process, called “discovery,” includes things like bank statements, credit card statements, and employment records.

Accurate values for assets like your home or business, however, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

While you might be familiar with certain financial assets in your spouse’s name, it’s likewise important to consider these 4 types of assets commonly overlooked in divorce:

1.     Stock Options & Restricted Stock

Corporations are increasingly granting stock options as compensation for past or future services.  Likewise, costly litigation can arise over whether stock options are marital assets, and if so, how they should be valued and divided.  It’s therefore important to know how these assets are valued and divided when negotiating your divorce agreement.

2.     Capital Loss Carryover

Generally, if the sale of an investment or capital asset like a piece of real estate resulted in a loss, it can be used to offset capital gains, or otherwise, to lower ordinary income tax liability.

Capital losses can be carried forward into subsequent years as needed until they are fully deducted.  For example, in a recent divorce case, I represented the wife whose husband had carried over losses claimed for commercial real estate on his separate income tax returns for several years.  Yet, in the divorce, the husband wanted the wife to share in tax liability when the properties were sold.  If the Wife had agreed, it would have cost her tens of thousands of dollars and, fortunately, we were able to resolve this issue out of court.

3.     Collections and Memorabilia

Personal property is an area where potentially valuable assets can easily be overlooked.  It’s important to consider these potentially valuable items to divide in the divorce:

• Jewelry
• Furs
• Collections of coins or stamps
• Guns or other weapons
• Recreational vehicles
• Artwork
• Antiques
• Sports memorabilia and trading cards
• Classic cars
• Fine wines

4.     Credit Card Reward Points

When dividing up assets in a divorce, it can be easy to overlook credit card rewards points.  Generally, credit card rewards earned during the marriage can be considered a marital asset, regardless of which spouse earned them.

The above assets are just some that can have significant value and easily get overlooked when dividing assets in divorce.

It’s therefore important to consult with an experienced family lawyer to make sure you don’t walk away from potentially large amounts of money in your divorce.

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