The One Thing Most Divorcing Parents Don’t Know: The Path to an Amicable Divorce

If you are considering divorce, it’s common to want to avoid or postpone divorce to protect your kids.

As a family lawyer for over 20 years, I often hear parents voice intense concern that their kids would have a hard time adjusting to a divorce.  And many parents do choose to stay married in an effort to spare their kids that kind of pain.

What is most often overlooked – and not commonly known – is that it is the conflict between parents in the home that leaves an impact, not the divorce itself.  The actual divorce just the legal dissolution of a marriage, a piece of paper, really.

What is most emotionally destructive to children is the conflict that exists in the home.  It doesn’t matter if you shout at each other or not.  It’s the way you, as parents, might be interacting within the home that can be the most emotionally damaging to kids.

Unfortunately, I know this all too well.  I was 13 when my parents actually divorced.  But I can tell you that was the relief.

The real difficulties were during the years that preceded the actual divorce.  There was the ever-present fear and anxiety of not knowing what would happen at any given moment.

Whether my parents yelled at each other or treated each other with disrespect or indifference, the result was mounting fear and anxiety accompanied by constant headaches and stomach aches.

And having a front-row seat to an unhealthy marital relationship as a child does not bode well for that child’s ability to engage in healthy romantic relationships later in life.

Therefore, if you’ve decided to divorce, it can be valuable to look to the kind of future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  You can start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.

It’s also important to know that it is generally best for kids to spend time with each of you on a regular basis.  So, to this end, you might work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement that benefits the kids.

It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

Because when you both commit to an amicable divorce and your actions reflect that commitment, you are modeling resiliency in the face of change for your kids.

You might consider putting aside differences to sit together at your child’s next concert or other important activity.  Because when your children see you together united in their support, it goes a long way, and your children will be forever grateful.

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Top Four Negotiating Tips from a Mediator

If you’re looking to up your negotiating game or you want to know how to use mediation to your advantage, this post is for you.  As a lawyer and mediator, I’ve encountered a number of negotiating strategies more likely to lead to successful outcomes and came across my top four.

Mediation is an alternative to going to court to resolve disputes.  The mediator will help the parties reach a negotiated settlement.  The goal of mediation is not to win an argument; it is to achieve a favorable settlement.

Parties who engage in mediation give up their day in court to control their own outcomes in a way that works best for them.  Here are my top 4 negotiating tips to use with or without mediation.

1.        Prepare.

Before mediation – or any negotiation – it’s important to first get clear on what you really need.  Avoid getting locked into a “position,” which typically limits your options when negotiating.

Then identify what you need to know about the other party.  You might make a list of open-ended questions to uncover what the other party needs.

2.        Get the facts.

This is where you can find out the answers to those open-ended questions.  But it’s essential to first build trust with the other party.  Trust is essential before people will open up and reveal their true interests.

The importance of listening to the other party cannot be overstated.  In any negotiation – with or without a mediator – not listening or progressing too quickly to a solution is a big barrier to creating trust.

Generally, before people are willing to settle, they must feel that their interests are truly understood.  You might ask the other party for their suggestions for moving forward to an agreement.

3.        Manage emotions.

In any negotiation or mediation, managing emotions is key to a successful outcome.  While it’s common for negotiations to become frustrating, allowing your emotions to control your decisions can lead to an unfavorable outcome.

4.        Tackle the smaller issues first.

It’s generally best to start the negotiation or mediation with smaller less contentious issues.  Reaching agreement first on those smaller issues first is more likely to create momentum and motivation to resolve the larger issues.

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Try This Powerful Tip to Resolve Conflicts at Work and at Home

We generally find conflict whenever there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.  Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether with a romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker.

As common as conflicts are, it’s just as common to want to avoid them.  After all, conflicts can often be fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, and discomfort.  Yet ironically, the way we handle conflict is what defines the quality of our relationships.  You might therefore look at conflict as an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your personal and professional relationships.

What I’ve learned is that for relationships to be truly successful, it is important to be able to humbly let go of the need to always be right.  If we always need to be right, we make the other person wrong.  And that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.

If you stay focused on making a case for how wrong the other person is, you’re discounting their feelings, which only makes things worse.  You might remember that there’s not always a “right” or “wrong” way of seeing things.  Both perspectives can be valid because they are each shaped by our own personal experiences and beliefs.  It’s also important to keep in mind that we all come from a unique perspective.

You might try being open to listening to the other person, just as you want them to listen to you.  Listening takes patience.  It’s being able to put aside our immediate emotional reactions and quieting the impulse to speak up and interrupt and fully take another perspective in.  This can go a long way to seeing things from the other person’s perspective, which in turn helps them see things from yours as well.

When relationship conflict inevitably arises, you might make it your intention for mutual understanding and resolution that respects everyone’s needs.  This approach can invariably lead to creative solutions you might not have otherwise considered.

Ignoring conflicts can lead to lasting resentment that can build up over time.  Ultimately, it can lead to the end of a relationship.  Instead, the more we expose ourselves to conflict, the more adept we can become at fostering strong relationships, both in business and at home.

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