Are Your Perceptions Hurting Your Relationships? Three ways to Turn Things Around

Is your boss or business partner being too controlling?  Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t care about your feelings?

Perhaps you find yourself extremely irritated or put off by someone for reasons you can’t explain.

Have you ever experienced when someone close to you says or does something and all of a sudden, negative thoughts automatically pop into your head?  I know I have.

These types of thoughts trigger certain emotions like annoyance, frustration, or irritation, and form our perceptions.  And these perceptions influence how we act toward others.

When our actions arise from negative perceptions, they can be damaging to any type of relationship, especially when we act on them repeatedly.

While perceptions can seem automatic, we can actually prevent them from hurting our relationships.  Here are 3 things we can do:

1.        Recognize that our perceptions of others are largely false.

Perception simply acts as a lens through which we view reality.  It is not reality itself.

2.        Recognize perceptions in the moment.

When you notice you’re becoming increasingly angry, irritated, or frustrated, stop.  Negative emotions are signals to change direction.  Simply become aware that what you might think the other person is up to, to hurt you, for instance, may not be true.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

-Viktor E. Frankl

3.        What are you missing?

Chances are your automatic thoughts are focused too narrowly.  If it’s your significant other or someone else close to you, they might simply be responding to their own insecurities or fears.  Likewise, what are some of their qualities or past behaviors that you admire or love?

The next time you find yourself becoming seized by negative thoughts and emotions about someone close to you, know that you have the power to change course and turn things around.

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Seven Dos and Don’ts to Ease Divorce Transition for your Kids

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard enough just keeping things together for yourself.  So, trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

These 7 DOs and DON’TS for parenting during divorce can go a long way to help ease the transition for your kids.

1.        DO stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, homework schedule, and curfews, particularly for younger children.

2.        DO reduce arguments with your spouse, especially around the kids.  Regardless of their ages, kids can pick up even the tiniest hint of conflict between their parents.  Even if you’re not actively shouting at each other, your kids can sense the chilly atmosphere between the two of you.

3.        DO make every effort to support your child’s relationship with the other parent so your child can feel free to love both of you.

4.        DO NOT ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.        DO NOT ask the kids questions about the other parent’s personal life, such as dating activities.

6.        DO NOT make disparaging comments about your spouse to or in front of the children.

7.        DO encourage ongoing relationships between your kids and extended family members.  The more people who love and care about your kids, the less painful the divorce can be for them.

These tips can help guide you in keeping your kids front and center to minimize any long-term negative emotional effects for them.

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Divorced Parents and the 2021 Advance Child Tax Credit

You might know that with the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021, parents can get monthly checks over the second half of this year as an advance payment on their 2021 child tax credit.

Starting with payments on July 15, 2021, the IRS will pay parents of qualifying children half the total Child Tax Credit amount in advance monthly payments.  Parents will claim the other half when they file their 2021 income tax return. For more on the advance child tax credit, click here.

But what if you’re divorced?  Only one parent can claim the credit for each child and it’s typically the parent with whom the child primarily resides.

Where there is an equal custodial arrangement, however, the parents can agree that the parent with the greater income will claim the child tax credit or they can agree to alternate each year.  To complicate matters, the IRS will send the advance child tax payments to the parent who claimed the child as a dependent in 2020.

But there’s a solution.  The parent who is not designated in the divorce agreement to receive the child tax credit this year can opt out using the IRS’s online portal.

For example, if you claimed the child in 2020 but your ex will claim the child in 2021, you will still get the advance payments.  So you might want to opt out of payments now.  Then, later this year, you can use the portal to update your child tax credit information.

Always double check your options, however, by consulting with your tax professional.

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The Four Characteristics Your Lawyer Needs When You Want an Amicable Divorce

When you want an amicable divorce, it’s common to want to avoid lawyers.  After all, lawyers are commonly associated with more conflict.  Unfortunately, it’s the worst ones we tend to hear about the most.

But like any type of professional, not all divorce lawyers are created equal.  So, if you want an amicable divorce, the first thing you need to do is commit to it.  That means choosing a lawyer that reflects your commitment to an amicable divorce.

Because, believe me, there are plenty of lawyers who see every divorce they handle as a fight.  Adversarial lawyers focus mainly on finding ways to attack their adversaries instead of looking for common ground.  This tends to drive divorcing spouses farther apart, making it much harder to settle your case or to co-parent your children.

An adversarial approach to divorce can also lengthen the amount of time it takes to reach a divorce agreement and legal fees can quickly get out of hand.

So, if you’re truly committed to an amicable divorce, your lawyer should have these 4 characteristics:

1.        Experienced in Divorce and Family Law.

Your divorce lawyer should have many years of experience and focus mainly on divorce and family law.  An experienced divorce lawyer can be very helpful during negotiations.  And he or she will likely know how to expedite the process wherever possible to save you time, money, and emotional energy.

 2.        Settlement-focused.

The settlement-focused lawyer can save you time and money by guiding you to an amicable divorce settlement out of court.  Rarely do divorce cases go to trial in court, nor should they.

 3.        Exceptional communicator.

If you want an amicable divorce, your lawyer should be able to talk to you in plain English without a lot of legal mumbo jumbo.

Your divorce lawyer will want to make sure you understand the divorce process and what’s happening in your case.  Good communication is essential so you know the decisions you need to make to settle your divorce and the implications of those decisions.

 4.        Great listener.

 It goes without saying that your divorce attorney should listen to what you want and need in your divorce.  He or she should not be quick to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

The importance of having the right divorce attorney in your corner cannot be overemphasized.  It is one of the most important decisions you make in your divorce.

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