How to Get What You Want in any Negotiation in Business and Life

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time.  From salary negotiations or business deals to buying a home or a car or negotiating bedtimes or curfews with our kids.

Knowing how to effectively negotiate is a critical life skill that can yield dividends in every area of your life.

But many negotiations become stuck between competing positions to get as much as possible or pay as little as possible.  That’s a recipe for deadlock and failure.

Likewise, many divorce negotiations stall when spouses get caught up with looking to pay as little alimony as possible or, on the other side, how to get more alimony.  Not only does this back and forth take a lot of time, effort, and money, it becomes counterproductive because each party is simply looking to “win.”

But win-lose negotiations are just plain bad practice.  They only lead to lengthier and more expensive drawn-out negotiations with little chance of success.  The best negotiations are ones that yield mutual gain and can also lead to solid long-term relationships.

So, a better approach is to make the other person an offer they can’t refuse.  Making the first offer automatically steers the negotiation toward your interests.

Decide what your end game is and where ultimately want to end up.  What would a successful outcome look like to you?  Then think about what would look good to you if you were the other person.  What would a successful outcome look like to them? What are they looking for?

It’s important that you either know the industry well or do your homework ahead of time so you can come up with creative solutions that could benefit the other person.

This is where asking open–ended questions and listening carefully can be invaluable.  In a high-stakes business negotiation, for example, you might learn the other person really wants to retire and buy a piece of property in Florida and you could help with financing as part of the deal.

In any negotiation, it’s also important to be transparent about your needs and what you’d like to see as an outcome.  That way, you can enlist the other person to work together to find creative ways to meet both your needs.

Approaching negotiations like this simply becomes thoughtful interactions with other people and ways to find even better solutions than you might otherwise not have considered.

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Six Powerful Actions to Overcome Negative Bias and Improve Your Relationships

As human beings, our brains default to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones.

Psychologists call this negativity bias.  It’s why we focus more on criticisms than compliments.  And why bad news gets more attention than good news.

Negativity bias drives our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  And this can have a profound effect on our relationships – with our spouses, kids, extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues.

For example, negativity bias makes it more likely to magnify your partner’s faults or focus on a colleague’s criticism and disregard positive traits or interactions.

Here are 6 actions to immediately improve your daily interactions and relationships:

1.        Set your intention.

Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

Do you want your interactions to stem from fear or anger?  Or do you want to be more loving and attentive?

2.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

3.        Be present.

What are you feeling right now?  For instance, imagine a big stop sign and take one to three slow breaths.  And notice what you’re thinking at the moment.

4.        Immediately reframe.

Picture widening the focus of a camera lens to see the bigger picture.  Take a kinder view of the other person by focusing on their positive qualities or actions.

With practice, you will be able to stop negative thoughts as soon as they begin and replace or challenge them.  This takes repetitive daily practice like finding the silver lining in any experience.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” — Dr. Wayne Dyer

5.        Practice, practice, practice.

Every day, bring the positive experiences of your life into focus.  You might jot down people and things you are grateful for.

Whenever you become frustrated with a coworker or colleague, find 3 or 4 positive things about them.  When something good happens, focus on it and savor it.

6.        Avoid or limit negative news and social media feeds.

Let’s face it. the media bolsters negativity bias by focusing on negative news and events despite all the good things happening in the world.

Whenever you find your thoughts turning to the dark side, stop, notice, and see the bigger picture.

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What Divorcing Spouses Can Do When Virtual Court Stalls Settlement

Divorcing spouses should not rush to court these days.  Once you file a divorce complaint with the court, you’re on the court’s timeline and required to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation to try to reach an agreement on issues like child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

But since the start of the pandemic, mandatory court settlement appearances are held virtually with little success.

The problem is that there is no substitution for face-to-face meetings when it comes to negotiation and settlement conferences.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.

But when all four of you are staring at a camera over zoom, it just isn’t the same.  And New Jersey courts are now recognizing that divorce cases are not settling as a result.

For you and your spouse, this often means higher lawyer fees over a longer period of time to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation with no agreement reached.

What you can do instead

Start by selecting settlement-oriented lawyers experienced in divorce and family law for each of you.   Set aside the funds.  It will generally be worth it by saving you time, money, and aggravation.

Have your lawyers help you and your spouse agree on a date to use for valuing marital assets and debts, facilitate the exchange of relevant financial documents, and agree on custody and parenting time for your kids.

Once you and your spouse have sufficiently determined the marital income, assets, and debts, your lawyers can help you come up with creative ways to divide the assets and provide for support if appropriate.

Your lawyers might also recommend the input of a child specialist or financial professional who can be instrumental in offering creative solutions that might be outside your lawyer’s expertise.

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