How to Calm Down in 90 Seconds or Less

Our emotions are caused by our thoughts but are experienced as physical sensations in the body.  For instance, when we become angry, our heart rate increases, body temperature rises, and we might clench our fists.

Or when we become anxious or fearful, we might experience “butterflies in the stomach” with rapid breathing or shortness of breath.

But did you know that emotions don’t last longer than 90 seconds?

According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.  Think of emotions like waves in the ocean.

What keeps emotions lingering are our thoughts and our stories about why we’re feeling what we’re feeling.  Like telling ourselves that something or someone should be different than what is.

So, when you’re feeling stressed, fearful, or angry, you can detach from the emotion and simply observe how it feels as if you were an outside observer.  It is essential to suspend all thoughts about what caused you to feel angry or frustrated or hurt.  That will only strengthen these emotions.

In other words, without trying to push away the emotion, make an effort to observe it and to label your body’s physiological reaction to it.  For instance, “I’m feeling angry and I feel my heart beating faster and feel tense in my chest.”  Continue labeling until the negative emotion dissipates.  This enables us to focus on observing the emotion instead of identifying with it.

“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

I’m not saying it will be easy, and it takes practice, but it will be worth it to be in control of your emotions, especially before you say or do something you might later regret.

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Four Powerful Ways to Mend a Strained Relationship

Do you have a strained relationship with a family member or someone else you love?  Or perhaps you’re stuck in a rut with a work colleague and can’t seem to turn things around.

It’s not uncommon to experience strained or estranged relationships in our personal and professional lives.

You might know the feeling.  You struggle to carry on a conversation because mistrust or resentment simmers just beneath the surface.  Arguments can erupt out of nowhere.

So you try to limit contact or just decide to keep the conversations polite without becoming fully engaged.  You might even stop communication altogether.

This can make us feel stuck, helpless, hopeless, angry, and powerless to change things.  We might decide to avoid the person and the situation altogether by rationalizing that it’s easier to just let things be.

But the weight of the frustration, anger, and resentment can be tough to shake off as it permeates into other areas of our lives.

You might start to view everything from a more negative perspective.  For example, you might start taking other things more personally and reacting impulsively.

We can become so preoccupied with the drama of strained relationships that we are too upset to fully engage or spend time with loved ones.  And disconnecting from others is likely to create more anxiety and loneliness.

Significantly, unexpressed anger and resentment from strained relationships can have serious physical health consequences as well.  These can include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

And a new scientific study shows that strained relationships with parents, siblings, or extended family members can be even more harmful to our health than a troubled relationship with a significant other.

But you can change the course of your relationship with anyone at any time.  Here are 4 powerful ways:

1.        Say something vulnerable to someone you love.

Pick up that phone or even send a voice text with an “I miss you” or “I love you” and “I hate it when we fight.”  This can instantly break down walls and open the lines of communication.

2.        Start the conversation.

You might say something like “I feel like things are awkward right now” or that “we are seeing things differently right now, but I think we can work it out.”

3.        Share and listen.

Share what you see as the cause of the rift.  Instead of unequivocally blaming the other person, you might use language that shows how you see things from your perspective and how it made you feel.  Then be open for the other person to do the same.

4.        Move forward.

It’s important to focus on what might need to change to avoid future rifts and keep the relationship strong.  Relationship conflicts can be opportunities to learn how other people see things and how to move forward.

The value of our relationships cannot be overstated.  While they can be challenging, relationships can give us the strength to make changes when we need to.

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Beware of the Free Lawyer Consultation

From time to time, I get calls from people struggling with a family law issue and want to know if I offer “free consultations.”  Common family law issues include:

• How does property get divided in a divorce?
• What are my rights if I decide to divorce?
• How can I collect child support from my ex?
• What if my spouse wants a divorce but I don’t?
• Can my spouse and I use one lawyer to get a divorce?

Maybe you just have a couple of questions and want to get a feel for a lawyer before plunking down a pile of money.  I totally get it.

But what you should know is this.  While free consultations might be the norm in certain limited areas of law like personal injury, it’s not the case when it comes to divorce and family law.

In practicing law for over 28 years, I’ve worked with lots of clients and come to know lots of lawyers.  And the few family lawyers who do offer “free” consultations are likely looking to get you in the door for maybe a half-hour (if they really need your business, it might be up to an hour) and talk mainly about why you need to hire them.

Then they drop the bomb on you with the amount of the retainer.

Chances are you won’t come away with meaningful concrete legal advice customized to your particular circumstances and concerns.

After all, our essential business is charging for legal advice, so why would we give it away for free?

On the other hand, my initial consultations with prospective clients are strategy sessions that can last from one to two hours.

Before we meet, we gather your basic details and biggest concerns.  That way our time together can be more productive and you will come away with not just substantive legal advice about what you can expect, but a strategy and plan to achieve what is most important to you.

We also fully explain the nature of my representation, the costs, and the amount of retainer based on your particular circumstances.   And if you decide to retain my services, the initial consultation fee (equal to one hour of my current hourly rate) will be waived.

Even if you decide not to become a client, you still come away with valuable legal advice needed to make informed decisions – perhaps whether or not to stay in your marriage or how to get your own divorce if you and your spouse have resolved the few issues between you.  Either way, as the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

To schedule a personalized consultation, click here or call 973-292-9090 or shoot me an email at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.