How to Take Emotion Out of Your Next Argument

Conflict is inevitable.  Verbal disagreements and arguments can arise whenever we have a clash of differing perspectives fueled by strong emotions.

The way we handle conflict generally defines the quality of our relationships.  And how we choose to respond in any given moment can make or break a relationship.

We can therefore look at conflict as an opportunity to deepen and strengthen our personal and professional relationships.

Conflicts often come down to a sort of tug-of-war with each person trying to convince the other that he or she is wrong.  And it might not be so easy to find our way out. Arguments that drag on can be downright exhausting.

To break the cycle, you might try this basic improv rule:  to say “Yes, and…”  When you say  “Yes, and…,” you accept what the other person says and then you build on it.

This rule can be particularly helpful when we’re in conflict because each of us just wants to feel heard and understood.

So, in your next conflict, when the other person is vehemently trying to convince you why they’re right, you might respond with “Yes and I disagree or I don’t see it that way, and I’m open to finding a solution that works for both of us.”

Another tip is to use the word “and” – italicized here – instead of “but.”  This is because people will generally ignore anything that comes before the word “but.”

Using “Yes and” also removes the need to emotionally react, which will only make things worse.  This allows you to still respect your right to disagree.  And when you show you’re willing to work things out, it helps to strengthen the relationship by building trust.

Like this post?  Please share it on social media or Sign up to subscribe weekly and you’ll never miss a post.

When Parents Fighting is Most Harmful to Kids, According to Experts

When I was a child, I had a nightly front-row seat to my parents’ explosive arguments.  My mother would verbally attack my father with accusations and threats, while at times, smashing dishes.  My father would shout back at first and then storm out of the house.  I felt scared and unprotected.  This went on until my father finally moved out just before my 13^th birthday.

As a parent and human behavior geek, I’ve come to learn that kids are like sponges. They are constantly watching and absorbing what we do and how we relate to others.  This is where they begin to learn how to relate to the world and the people around them.

According to this eye-opening article, kids pay close attention to their parents’ emotions for information about how safe they are in the family, and when parents are destructive, the collateral damage to kids can last a lifetime.

According to E. Mark Cummings, a psychologist at Notre Dame University and co-author of Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective, it’s the way conflict is expressed and resolved, and especially how it makes children feel, that has the most significant consequences for children.

The Most Destructive Types of Fighting

Marital Conflict and Children identifies the kinds of destructive tactics that parents use with each other that harm children:

• Name-calling
• Insults
• Threats of abandonment (such as divorce)
• Physical aggression, like hitting, pushing, and throwing things
• Avoidance like walking out, sulking, or withdrawing from an argument
• Capitulation, giving in that might look like a solution but isn’t a true one.

One study pointed to by Cummings showed that the long-term effects of withdrawal by parents are actually more disturbing to kids’ adjustment because open conflict tells kids what’s going on and they can work with that. But when parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on.  They just know things are wrong, which is worse.

Effects on kids

When parents repeatedly engage in open hostility, kids can become distraught, worried, anxious, and hopeless.  They might react outwardly with anger and become aggressive which can lead to behavior problems at home and at school.

Open hostility can cause kids to develop sleep problems, headaches, and stomachaches, or they may get sick frequently.  High levels of stress can interfere with their ability to pay attention, which can create learning and academic problems at school.

Kids raised in destructive households often have problems forming healthy, balanced relationships with their peers and siblings with problems ranging from overly involved and overprotective or distant and disengaged.

What can help

According to this post by Dr. Luis Rojas Marcos, psychiatrist, here are some of the things we need to do if we want our children to be happy and healthy individuals:

• Be emotionally available to connect with children and teach them self-regulation and social skills:
• Become an emotional regulator or coach for your children. Teach them how to recognize and manage their own frustrations and anger.
• Connect emotionally – smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, play or cuddle with them.

It can be difficult to do these things when locked in destructive conflict with the other parent.  It might therefore help to work with a therapist who specializes in family relationships and conflict to develop a path forward.

As I got older, I developed a sense that there had to be a better way to handle conflict than the one I grew up with.   My own parents’ conflict no longer has the hold on me that it once did, thanks to an awful lot of hard work, but it is an ongoing process that requires a commitment to do better for my own family.

Like this post?  Please share it on social media or with others who might find it helpful.

How to Avoid Court in Your New Jersey Divorce

Divorce is never easy.  And the thought of going to court can make it that much worse.

It might help to know that court is not your only option – in fact, the vast majority of New Jersey divorces settle out of court.

Settling out of court generally is where you and your spouse sign a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you.  These typically include child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Below are 4 ways to settle your New Jersey divorce out of court:

1.        Negotiation

Many, if not most, New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court by mutual agreement after you and your spouse have negotiated, often with the input and advice of your attorney.  For more details about amicable out-of-court negotiations, check out this post.

2.        Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation is a way to resolve differences with the help of a trained, impartial third party.  It is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process designed to facilitate settlements in an informal, non-adversarial manner.

Both spouses, with or without lawyers, are brought together by the mediator in a neutral setting.  The mediator does not represent either side and does not offer legal advice.  The spouses are encouraged to retain an attorney to advise them of their rights during the mediation process.

Generally, the mediator helps the parties identify the issues, gather the information they need to make informed decisions, and communicate so that they can find a mutually agreeable solution.

3.       Arbitration

In an arbitration proceeding, an impartial third party decides issues in a case.  The parties select the Arbitrator and agree on which issues the Arbitrator will decide.  The Parties also agree in advance whether the Arbitrator’s decisions will be binding or treated only as a recommendation.

4.        Use of Other Professionals

You and your spouse may also seek help from other skilled professionals to help resolve issues in your divorce.  For instance, the value of a business is typically first determined by an accountant with particular expertise in valuing businesses in divorce.  The accountant might also be able to help you resolve certain issues relating to the business.

Other professionals in a divorce case might include attorneys with expertise that might be relevant.  These might include corporate or estate attorneys, financial professionals, and various types of mental health professionals, for instance, to help resolve custody and parenting time with children.

As with mediation and arbitration, you and your spouse should each consult your attorney for advice throughout this process to ensure your interests are protected and that you are making informed decisions.

Each divorce is of course, unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all.  Therefore, depending on your circumstances, it might be helpful for you to use a combination of the above to successfully resolve the issues between you and your spouse in your divorce.

Thanks for reading.  If you liked this post, please share it on social media or with others who would find it helpful.

Why We Need Social Connection Now More Than Ever

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies about what makes us live long, happy lives, tells us that social connection may be our single greatest need after food and shelter.

According to the Harvard Study, now over 80 years old, embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier.

And close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed.

Similarly, according to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and author of several #1 New York Times bestsellers including The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly:

A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.. Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

We are hardwired to connect with others.  It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering…We may think we want money, power, fame, beauty, eternal youth or a new car, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, to be loved.

The Harvard study shows that how happy we are in our relationships help us through hardships, strengthen our immune system, and delay mental and physical declines.

The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80, according to Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School as he says in his popular and widely followed TED talk.

On the other hand, according to the Harvard study, lack of social connection over time affects our health more than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure

The study even suggests that prolonged loneliness can have the same effect on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

So, it’s not surprising that there’s been a significant increase in loneliness and a decrease in feelings of friendship during the pandemic.

According to recent scientific research, while physical distance has been important during the pandemic, distance within and among relationships can cause undue harm to a person’s mental health and well-being.

Therefore, we should make conscious efforts to form meaningful social connections with others, according to Jon Ebbert, M.D., a Mayo Clinic internal medicine physician and senior author of the study.

At the same time, according to this recent CDC report, unmet mental health needs also increased significantly as record-high rates of people have been unable to find help.  People simply cannot get in to see a therapist, much less a psychiatrist, due to the unprecedented demand.

In these unprecedented times, it is up to us to think of new and creative ways to reach out to our loved ones and others within our families and communities, and beyond.

Just as we might do to stay healthy with diet and exercise, it’s equally, if not more, important to develop and nurture social connections that are so essential for our well-being.

Like this post?  Sign up for our newsletter and receive more tips, updates, advice, and inspiration right to your inbox.