Five Common Expectations that Create Relationship Conflict

Inevitably, we experience conflict in our personal and professional relationships.  But what really causes conflict?  Knowing why conflicts happen in the first place can give us a major leg up in heading them off in our important relationships.

For the most part, conflicts arise when our expectations of others go unmet.  Below are 5  expectations to let go of so we can experience greater peace and enjoyment in our relationships:

1.        Expecting Others to act the way we want.

Let’s face it, it would be much easier if people acted the way we think they should – or if they just acted reasonably, rationally, or logically, as we see it.  But our viewpoints, perceptions, experiences, and the things we feel are important are just not the same as those of others.

Just as we are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, others are not here to live up to ours.  Instead, we can choose to explore or deepen the relationship by putting ourselves in their shoes.  How might they see things?

The upside to letting go of expectations?  When we allow others to be the way they are, it frees us up to take responsibility for our own happiness.

2.        Expecting them to change.

People for the most part don’t just change simply because we want them to.  It comes back to taking responsibility for what we want to see.  So, if you want the other person to change, model the behavior you want to see first.  Listen to be listened to, respect to be respected, or show affection to receive affection.

3.        Expecting them to like you.

Not everyone will like you.  Others may not respect you.   Instead, cultivate relationships and spend time with those who value you.

4.        Expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.

We need to first respect ourselves before expecting others to respect us.  It’s about setting the bar for the behavior we will and won’t accept from others.

5.        Expecting them to know what you’re thinking.

No matter how close we are with someone, they can’t read our minds.  We need to speak up and tell them what we need and want and where we’re coming from.  And just as important is to match these up with what the other person needs.

For example, with a significant other or close friend, you might expect respect or honesty.  If you learn they haven’t been honest, you might remind them how important honesty is to you and that, perhaps, when they weren’t honest, it made you feel that you couldn’t trust them.

When we can let go of these 5 expectations, we allow ourselves to take responsibility for experiencing more peace and enjoyment in our personal and professional relationships.

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Divorce and Co-parenting: is 50/50 Parenting Time the Way to Go?

Parenting roles have come a long way.  And for separated and divorced parents, New Jersey law has come to reflect these changing roles.

Back when my parents were divorced in the late 1970s, it was typically the mom’s role as a homemaker to care for the kids and the dad’s role to go off to work.  These roles were generally reflected in the custody and parenting time arrangements commonplace back then where the father typically had what was then called “visitation” every other weekend and perhaps a weeknight “dinner” with the kids.

Over the past several decades, however, there’s been a growing trend towards more active involvement of both parents in the care and daily activities of their children, particularly with more two-income families.  Father’s roles, specifically, have changed dramatically, and even more so during the pandemic as work from home became commonplace.

As work schedules have become more flexible, many clients are fathers who get the kids onto the bus or off to school in the mornings, prepare meals, take the kids to their activities while and stopping off at the grocery store; they know who their children’s friends are and what the kids are working on in school; they take the kids on weekend day trips and take part in routine bedtimes for their younger children.

And this shift has shown up in the law.  New Jersey law declares as public policy “to assure minor children of frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage and that it is in the public interest to encourage parents to share the rights and responsibilities of child-rearing in order to effect this policy.”

And the research consistently shows that children benefit when both parents are a part of their lives.  Similarly, the law directs the court that whenever the custody of a minor child is at issue, “the rights of both parents shall be equal.”

All this has led to more custody and parenting time arrangements that take a shared parenting approach (which may or may not mean “equal” or 50/50 parenting time for each parent).  50/50 parenting time can work if the parents live in reasonably close proximity to each other and their work schedules allow for it.  For specific types of 50/50 parenting time schedules, check out this post.

But for many families, 50/50 parenting time may not be practical or even best for the child, for instance, where the parents live more than an hour apart.  In such cases, parents would not be able to get a young child back and forth to school without the child being forced to forego sleep to spend a significantly long distance in the car.

It’s important to carefully consider your child’s needs and each parent’s work and other responsibilities to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangement for your children.

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Three Powerful Actions to Embrace Difficult Life Changes

Everything in our lives is constantly changing.  At the same time, knowing that our circumstances, thoughts, emotions, even our bodies, are only temporary, can help us avoid becoming too attached to a particular outcome.

But change can be hard to accept.  There are certain life changes that can bring about feelings of grief and loss – like losing a job, a loved one, experiencing a divorce, or even our changing role as parents as children move out of the home.

“Change is the only constant in life.” – Heraclitus

Below are 3 powerful actions to embrace difficult life changes:

1.        Feel it.

If, for example, a loved one has passed away, allow yourself to grieve.  If it’s a job that you’ve lost, let yourself feel whatever comes up, whether it’s anger, disappointment, fear, or something else.

It can be extremely helpful to simply observe your emotions and the physical sensations as they arise and pass, like waves in the ocean, without becoming attached to the thoughts that can keep us trapped in the emotions.

Emotions are just temporary.  As difficult – if not impossible – as it can seem in the moments of grief and loss, it can help to remember “this too shall pass.”

2.        Question and reframe.

You might ask yourself “what thoughts am I thinking?”  Or “what is it that I believe will happen now?”  It can help to ask whether these thoughts and beliefs are definitively true.

3.        Let go and allow.

The more we try to resist change, the more miserable we become.  It’s like trying to swim upstream or struggling against a wave in the ocean that’s about to come crashing down.

There is a Buddhist parable that says in life we cannot always control the first arrow; however, the second arrow is our response to the first.  And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” -John C. Maxwell

When we can accept the change and allow it to exist, it’s like easily flowing with a downstream current or riding that ocean wave to shore.

While letting go and allowing the change to exist is a simple idea, it can be difficult to do.  It can help to remember that when we allow, we can create opportunities and possibilities for our lives and the lives of those we love.

You might, for example, start a new project, plan for the future, plan a vacation, or engage socially with others more often.

And each time you let go and allow the change to be, it becomes more automatic as you build resiliency.

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