Three Powerful Ways to Ease Divorce Transition for Kids

There’s no question that separation and divorce are life-changing events, and can be a huge loss for everyone involved.  When parents separate, it can be incredibly confusing and sad for kids.  It can feel like their whole world has turned upside down.

When I was 13, my father moved out as my parents embarked on a bitter divorce.  My father was a constant presence in our home and involved in our daily lives until he was suddenly gone.  I can honestly say it was traumatic to lose the only life I had ever known up until then.  At first, my younger sister and I saw our father on weekends and Wednesday evenings when he’d help us with our homework.  But then it dwindled to every other weekend, which didn’t ever seem to feel like enough time.

As you experience your own painful emotions about your separation and divorce, it can help to know that where you are now will not last.  It is just a moment in time.  And you will move on.  In the meantime, it can help to focus on being the constant in your kids’ lives that they desperately need right now.

Below are 3 ways to give your children what they need most from you when you separate or divorce:

1.        Assurance that the divorce is not their fault.

It’s common for kids to personalize their part in the divorce and blame themselves.  It’s important to make it clear to them that they are not to blame for your separation and that you and your spouse made the decision because you both believe it’s best for the family.

2.        To know their feelings are perfectly okay.

Encourage your children to express their feelings.  It can help them process difficult emotions they might not even be aware of.  Every child is different.  Younger children can worry that if they do something bad or you become angry at them, you might stop loving them and perhaps even leave them too.

It can be difficult to hear your child lash out and blame you.  It’s important not to take it personally or to respond defensively.

If your child is reluctant to verbalize her thoughts and feelings, you might suggest that she write in a journal or write you a letter and encourage her to not hold back.  You might assure her that whatever she needs, you are here.  That you will listen and will always love her no matter what.

3.        To be kids.

Kids need to be insulated as much as possible from “adult” matters between you and your spouse.  They need to be free to just be kids.  They need to be spared from the role of supporting their parents emotionally.

It’s important to refrain from expressing how angry you might be with your spouse or legal details about the divorce.  At the same time, it is important to make sure your children’s daily routines stay as normal as possible.  Now more than ever, they need structure at a time when things seem to be falling apart.

As difficult as divorce can be, knowing your kids have what they need can help ease the transition for them while bringing you closer.

If you liked this post, please share it on social media or with others who would find it helpful.  Sign up to subscribe weekly and you’ll never miss a post.

This Powerful Method for Challenging Your Thoughts Can Transform Your Personal and Professional Relationships

How many times in any given day do we have thoughts about people that are…well… less than ideal for a satisfying relationship?

Consider the thoughts we have all day long about the people in our lives that separates us from them.   He’s an a–shole.  She took advantage of me.

When we believe our thoughts, we feel and act in line with those beliefs.

Best-selling author Byron Katie is the founder of a powerful method of self-inquiry known as “The Work.”  She has made it her mission to teach people how to end their own suffering.

While our relationships can provide us with support, friendship, and love, they can unfortunately also be the source of much suffering.

But “the Work” shows how it is not the people in our lives that cause us pain and suffering; it is the thoughts that we believe about the people.  Even a thought in itself is harmless unless we believe it.

The Work enables us to examine – or challenge – a thought using a relatively straightforward process.  You simply write down the stressful thought and then ask four questions about it to challenge it.  You then “turnaround” the original thought.  Here it is:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
3. How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?  How do you treat yourself?  How do you treat others?  Do you withdraw?  Do you lash out?  What emotions do you feel when you believe the thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?  How would you feel if you weren’t even able to think this troubling thought?

Turn the thought around:

Then you “turnaround” the original thought to yourself, to the other, or to the opposite, trying each one on to see which fits best.  For each, you would find three genuine, specific examples of how each turnaround might feel most true for you.

For example, let’s say I’m having the thought “he doesn’t care about me:”

1.        Is it true?  Yes, I can see from the way he doesn’t pay any attention to me or show that he really cares that it is true.

2.        Can I absolutely know that it’s true?  If I’m being honest, No.

3.        How do I react when I believe the thought he doesn’t care about me?  I might become angry or hurt and withdraw from him.

4.        Who would I be without this thought he doesn’t care about me?  I might feel free to be kind and compassionate towards him.

Turn the thought around – to yourself, to the other person, or the opposite.

Try each turnaround on:

• I don’t care about me: I don’t care about myself by not tending to what I need to feel good about myself.  Or I don’t care about myself when I make him my enemy.
• I don’t care about him :  when I feel hurt, I don’t care how he feels.  I only care how I feel when he acts towards me like that.
• He cares about me: I can immediately bring to mind specific examples of times that show he really does care.  He might just be caught up in his own emotions right now.

This shows how using turnarounds can really help you loosen your grip on believing the thought – so much so that it completely dissolves.

You can learn more about the Work of Byron Katie and download the worksheet to practice this powerful tool to transform and strengthen your relationships.

Like this post?   Please share or Sign up to subscribe weekly and you’ll never miss a post.

Can You Become Legally Separated in New Jersey?

You might no longer wish to continue living with your spouse, yet you’re not yet ready to get a divorce.  Perhaps your home has become a constant battleground, a source of stress more than anything else.  Perhaps you wish to separate from your spouse to see if the marriage is really over.

Or, if you have kids, perhaps you’re concerned about how your marital difficulties are affecting them.  It is the conflict in the home, not a divorce per se, that is most emotionally destructive to children.

It doesn’t matter if you shout at each other or not.  It’s the way you, as parents, might be interacting within the home that can be the most emotionally damaging to kids.  Whether or not you decide to get divorced now or later, it’s important to know the legal ramifications of your decision.

People often ask if they can get a legal separation in New Jersey.  But, unlike some other states, New Jersey does not recognize a legal separation; essentially, you’re either married or divorced.  This means that even though you are living apart, sometimes for many years, New Jersey still considers you legally married.

What does this mean?

First, any debts that your spouse might incur – even while you’re living apart – could potentially be considered marital debts for which you could be liable.

By the same token, assets that you acquire while separated could potentially be considered marital assets and entitle your spouse to share in the value.

What does this mean if you have an alimony obligation in the event of divorce?

Generally speaking, the longer you stay married, even though you’re living apart, the longer the duration of the marriage could be extended for alimony purposes.  This means you could potentially be obligated to pay alimony to your spouse for a longer period of time.

Consider this option

If, however, you do want a divorce but you need or want to remain on your spouse’s health insurance coverage for a period of time, you might ask your spouse to agree to what’s called a “limited divorce” or “divorce from bed and board” instead of the conventional “absolute” divorce.

The “divorce from bed and board” is the closest that New Jersey has to a legal separation.  It may permit you to remain on your spouse’s health insurance plan even though you and your spouse have resolved all issues as to child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts in a binding divorce agreement.  This is because a bed and board divorce does not dissolve the “bonds of matrimony” and neither of you can remarry as long as the bed and board divorce is in effect.

Therefore, a bed and board divorce is generally agreed to for a finite period of time.  For instance, if you need more time to obtain health insurance benefits or qualify for health insurance with your current employment.

On the other hand, if you are the spouse with the health insurance plan, you might consider agreeing to a bed and board divorce while negotiating in exchange for a financial benefit in your divorce agreement.

Like this post?   Please share or, for more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, give me a call at (973) 292-9090 or shoot me an email at mhart@michelehartlaw.com