How We Get in Our Own Way When Intimate Relationships Suffer and What We Can Do to Better Connect

It is a universal human experience to have doubts about ourselves, to feel self-conscious, to compare ourselves to others, and to avoid feeling rejected.

But all our focus on being good enough can easily get in the way of connecting with others.  When we perceive criticism, for instance, we can feel threatened and become defensive.  We then can harshly judge others or even avoid relationships altogether.

In our more than ever polarized society, relationships are not valued, although we want and need relationships now more than ever.  Sadly, our society doesn’t give us the skills we need to build and maintain strong relationships.

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years and a child of divorce myself, I see the same reasons over and over again why couples divorce.

It’s when one or both people expect the other to meet their underlying emotional needs; and when they inevitably don’t – because no one person can do that – what results over time is bitterness, resentment, and loneliness.

And when couples stop communicating, they are driven farther and farther apart.  It might start with critical remarks or disregarding a request, which in turn prompts you or your spouse to become defensive or to withdraw.  This can become an ongoing cycle of criticism, verbal attacks, and withdrawing.  Most often, it’s one spouse that wants the divorce while the other is often devastated.

I started wondering – what causes all this to begin with?

According to Terry Real, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, author, and founder of the Relational Life Institute (RLI) in Arlington, MA, the crux of the difficulties couples experience is the playing out, in ways large and small of unresolved feelings of childhood, which includes pain, rawness, fright, and anger.

In Real’s latest book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, he reveals that there’s an adaptive child part in us that has no interest in intimacy; it’s wary, doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, and is preoccupied, above all, with self-protection.  None of these traits, as he says, sustains a loving, trusting, relationship.

So, in the moment when you’re arguing with your spouse, you may very well be reverting back to your negative, childhood-based, self-protective state of being.

We can start by becoming aware of these reactive “parts” of ourselves.   According to Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D., founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and author of over 50 books and articles on IFS, each of us wants our partner to take care of hurt “parts” of ourselves without knowing that we can actually take care of them ourselves.

IFS has evolved into a comprehensive approach for individuals, couples, and families and you can learn more about it here.  According to Dr. Schwartz, how we relate to our own parts is how we relate to others who display those parts.

Real says that too often we get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong.  The truth is: “It doesn’t matter. “What matters is, how are we going to act like a team and make this work for the two of us? That’s what matters.” So let go of it.

Put yourself aside. Be generous.”  He also suggests putting your focus on the subjective experience of your partner. “You cross over the bridge to his land.  You empathize with where they’re at. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner.”

Once we can recognize our “parts” at work, when we are relating to each other as adaptive children relating to each other (which is not who we really are), we can be proactive, as Real suggests, by stopping ourselves in the moment, taking a breath, and changing course, which can literally transform our relationships.

Like this post?   Please share or Sign up to subscribe weekly and you’ll never miss a post.

Divorce Can Be Traumatic for Kids But Here’s What You Can Do

I am changing what I said previously in this post and in others.  When I said that it is the conflict that exists in the home, not the actual divorce itself, that is most emotionally destructive to children.

Since then, I’ve immersed myself in studying this subject.  I have also observed the impact of divorce on the kids of so many of my clients.  As a result, I began to recognize the profound effects of my own parents’ divorce over 40 years ago.  So, I am changing my view on this.

Yes, it is true that conflict in the home – with or without active shouting – is emotionally harmful to kids.  But it is also true that the physical dismantling of the family unit can be traumatic for kids.  Naturally, you might be experiencing your own grief and emotional roller coaster ride that comes with ending your marriage.

At the same time, your children’s lives will also be shattered.  They are losing the only life they’ve ever known.  A life with a future that involves both parents and a place they call home.  It can be traumatic if your children are not given the space to grieve over the loss of this life.  The space to express what they are feeling – even if they might not have the exact words.  Or simply to say “Goodbye.”

It can help to have them write letters to you.  And you can write back.  Depending on their ages, your children might prefer to keep a simple journal of how they feel.  Perhaps they might feel comfortable sharing it with you.

Many parents choose to stay married “for the kids.”  But staying married while resentment and coldness hang in the air, permeating every room of your home isn’t any better.  Even if you and your spouse aren’t shouting at each other.  Even if you try to avoid arguments with your spouse by giving in, for example.

Your kids have extremely finely-tuned antennae sensitive to any hint of hostility.  They can literally feel the icy distance between you.  This is a great article on what happens to kids when parents aren’t getting along.  The prognosis is not good.  But the article offers valuable tips for resolving conflicts with your spouse and how your kids will benefit.

Thanks for reading!  If you liked this post, please share on social media or with others who would find it helpful.