Your Hidden Superpower to Ignite Connection With Those You Love

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time – not just when it comes to our work, but most often with those closest to us.

Family life is full of daily negotiations.  You might negotiate with your spouse about anything from household responsibilities to major parenting decisions.  You might negotiate with your kids about daily chores, bedtimes, or curfews.

But what happens when you can’t seem to reach any agreement and you find blame and resentment taking over?  It can be very easy – and it’s all too common – to point blame and label the other person unreasonable, selfish, or even narcissistic.  You might believe there’s nothing you can do about it.

But there is.  What is it you really want?  Do you want to work it out and improve your relationships at home?  If so, you already have the solution.  The first thing to do is to first take charge of your emotions and refocus on the end game.

And then simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  We all need to feel seen, heard and understood.  So, you might ask yourself how does your loved one view the situation?  What’s important to them?  What are they experiencing?  Do they feel angry or hurt?  Why?

And as you listen carefully to the answers, you will learn where the other person is coming from.  By asking and listening, you can achieve the ultimate reward of generating mutual solutions while deepening personal connection with those you love.

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If You’re Struggling to Connect with Your Teen, Try This Unique Approach

It is extremely common to struggle to connect with our teenage children.  It seems as if suddenly, your child is a stranger.  What happened to that sweet child you knew so well?

Having raised two teens, I know all too well what that’s like.  It is true that teens fiercely want  more independence and the freedom to do things their own way.  But the reality is they still need to stay connected to you – like the saying that parents should give their children “roots and wings.”

Here’s what has worked for me – and this, I’ve found, goes for anything you want in life.

First and foremost, focus on the kind of relationship you want with your child.  Visualize you and your child talking together, laughing, doing a favorite activity together.  Feel how it feels.

Then, recall all the things you appreciate about your child.  You might include the little things you’ve forgotten or may not even have thought about – how he looks when he’s sleeping, her kind heart, the way he looks when he’s trying to figure something out, her confidence.

You might also remember the things you loved about your child when he or she was very little. How he used to beg you to read the same story over and over again.  Or how she loved to play “teacher” by reading a story to the dog.  And include the things about your child that you’re grateful for – that he’s healthy, that you can provide a good home.

If it feels right, you might share some of these things with your child as a reminder to him or her of your love.

You might also start with taking ownership if you’ve been overly critical of your child and how.  By doing this, you’re not only connecting with your child, you’re also modeling responsibility and respect.

You might also acknowledge it can be difficult as a parent to navigate this strange new time, just as it is for your child, but that your love will always be there for them.  And for specific advice on balancing your teen’s need for independence with house rules, check out this post.

I found it extremely important to make it clear that your child can come to you with anything and that there is nothing they could ever say or do that would make you stop loving them.

I recognize that saying things like this don’t generally come easy for us.  But once you go there and you experience that true connection with your child, it will be worth it.  For both of you.

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New Jersey Court Crisis Can Be Unique Opportunity to Settle Your Divorce Case and Save You Time and Money

According to a recent press release by the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, as of February 21, 2023, except for very limited circumstances, all trials in civil and family courts are suspended, in 6 New Jersey counties due to the existing judge vacancy crisis, which spread additional New Jersey counties “in the near future.”

Therefore, there will be no civil or family court trials held in Hunterdon, Somerset, Warren, Cumberland, Gloucester, and Salem counties at this time.  The New Jersey courts are prioritizing criminal and juvenile delinquency matters, where an individual’s liberty is at stake, and potential emergencies like domestic violence cases.

According to the press release, there are 69 judge vacancies throughout the New Jersey courts with current judges already handling thousands of court proceedings and motions each month.

At the same time, the backlog of divorce and family cases that increased during the pandemic continues to increase as judge vacancies escalate, now resulting in a full-blown crisis.  The byproduct is also that the limited number of judges spread throughout the state are inundated by motions for people who are unable to settle their cases.

What can you do if you’re getting a divorce?

While there are certain family cases that might need court intervention, the vast majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court by mutual agreement.  This is where you and your spouse agree on terms and sign a written Marital Settlement Agreement.  This is a contract that resolves all issues between the two of you, including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Therefore, while only a court can legally dissolve a marriage, you don’t need the Court to make these critical decisions for you.  It is only after you and your spouse have signed a Marital Settlement Agreement that you file the necessary paperwork with the court to legally dissolve the marriage.  And the costs of reaching an agreement with your spouse out of court are likely to be a fraction of what they’d likely be if a court were to decide the issues for you.

Unfortunately, getting to a Marital Settlement Agreement has been made much more difficult since the pandemic with most court proceedings still held remotely, which is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.

With court proceedings and settlement conferences being held remotely, there is no longer an opportunity to sit down in the courthouse and settle divorce cases.   Before the pandemic, all family court proceedings were held in person.  While at the courthouse, you and your attorneys could sit in the hallway or in a conference room and talk about settling your case.

But the court crisis presents a unique opportunity for you and your attorneys to hold your own settlement conferences and in person mediation sessions. That way, you can talk to each other in person the way people used to – but instead of at the courthouse, in your own attorneys’ offices and in mediation sessions.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.  And with skilled settlement oriented attorneys, chances are it won’t be as bad as you might think.

The important thing is that it puts you in the driver’s seat to determine your own outcomes and make your own decisions about your children and your financial future rather than leave such important decisions to the court.

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How To Decide if Divorce is Right for You and How To Keep Things Amicable in a New Jersey Divorce

When a potential client comes to me for a consultation to find out what divorce entails, we will talk about what’s been happening and why they are considering divorce at this time. We will talk about your most pressing concerns and what outcome you most want to achieve.

If you are clearly struggling with deciding whether or not to divorce, we might talk about whether you and your spouse have similar or compatible values, where perhaps you might consider ways to save the marriage.  Or if and your spouse have incompatible values, whether you are both willing to communicate, listen, and work together.

Whether you ultimately decide to divorce or not, it’s important to know what’s involved and what you can expect in a New Jersey divorce.

For instance, during the consultation, we will often talk about how you might save time and money and keep things more amicable by reaching out of court divorce settlements that resolve all issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Here are three general actions to start with to on the road to reaching an agreement with your spouse:

1.        Consider Parenting time.

If you have children, they need both of you now more than ever.  Consider the future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  Start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.  It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

It is generally best for kids to spend time with each parent on a regular basis.  So, to this end, work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement .

Also consider how large upcoming expenses will be paid – things such as buying your teen a vehicle or college tuition – to avoid court for such decisions.

2.        Inventory the financials.

Ideally with your spouse, take stock of all assets and debts acquired during the marriage, as well as marital income and expenses.

You can start by assembling important documents that include bank statements, tax returns, and documentation for values of debts, assets, including pensions and retirement accounts, and property valuations.

3.        Consult with financial and/or tax advisors.

They can help you decide on important financial decisions including whether to keep or sell the home or how to structure and leverage assets that can help each of you achieve short- and long-term goals.  Financial and tax advisors can be instrumental in helping you develop short- and long-term budgets.

Many times, divorce agreements can be reached by negotiating or mediation, or by other means depending on your particular circumstances.  The agreed upon terms are generally incorporated into a written divorce agreement, commonly called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

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