Your Hidden Superpower to Ignite Connection With Those You Love

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time – not just when it comes to our work, but most often with those closest to us.

Family life is full of daily negotiations.  You might negotiate with your spouse about anything from household responsibilities to major parenting decisions.  You might negotiate with your kids about daily chores, bedtimes, or curfews.

But what happens when you can’t seem to reach any agreement and you find blame and resentment taking over?  It can be very easy – and it’s all too common – to point blame and label the other person unreasonable, selfish, or even narcissistic.  You might believe there’s nothing you can do about it.

But there is.  What is it you really want?  Do you want to work it out and improve your relationships at home?  If so, you already have the solution.  The first thing to do is to first take charge of your emotions and refocus on the end game.

And then simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  We all need to feel seen, heard and understood.  So, you might ask yourself how does your loved one view the situation?  What’s important to them?  What are they experiencing?  Do they feel angry or hurt?  Why?

And as you listen carefully to the answers, you will learn where the other person is coming from.  By asking and listening, you can achieve the ultimate reward of generating mutual solutions while deepening personal connection with those you love.

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If You’re Struggling to Connect with Your Teen, Try This Unique Approach

It is extremely common to struggle to connect with our teenage children.  It seems as if suddenly, your child is a stranger.  What happened to that sweet child you knew so well?

Having raised two teens, I know all too well what that’s like.  It is true that teens fiercely want  more independence and the freedom to do things their own way.  But the reality is they still need to stay connected to you – like the saying that parents should give their children “roots and wings.”

Here’s what has worked for me – and this, I’ve found, goes for anything you want in life.

First and foremost, focus on the kind of relationship you want with your child.  Visualize you and your child talking together, laughing, doing a favorite activity together.  Feel how it feels.

Then, recall all the things you appreciate about your child.  You might include the little things you’ve forgotten or may not even have thought about – how he looks when he’s sleeping, her kind heart, the way he looks when he’s trying to figure something out, her confidence.

You might also remember the things you loved about your child when he or she was very little. How he used to beg you to read the same story over and over again.  Or how she loved to play “teacher” by reading a story to the dog.  And include the things about your child that you’re grateful for – that he’s healthy, that you can provide a good home.

If it feels right, you might share some of these things with your child as a reminder to him or her of your love.

You might also start with taking ownership if you’ve been overly critical of your child and how.  By doing this, you’re not only connecting with your child, you’re also modeling responsibility and respect.

You might also acknowledge it can be difficult as a parent to navigate this strange new time, just as it is for your child, but that your love will always be there for them.  And for specific advice on balancing your teen’s need for independence with house rules, check out this post.

I found it extremely important to make it clear that your child can come to you with anything and that there is nothing they could ever say or do that would make you stop loving them.

I recognize that saying things like this don’t generally come easy for us.  But once you go there and you experience that true connection with your child, it will be worth it.  For both of you.

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New Jersey Court Crisis Can Be Unique Opportunity to Settle Your Divorce Case and Save You Time and Money

According to a recent press release by the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, as of February 21, 2023, except for very limited circumstances, all trials in civil and family courts are suspended, in 6 New Jersey counties due to the existing judge vacancy crisis, which spread additional New Jersey counties “in the near future.”

Therefore, there will be no civil or family court trials held in Hunterdon, Somerset, Warren, Cumberland, Gloucester, and Salem counties at this time.  The New Jersey courts are prioritizing criminal and juvenile delinquency matters, where an individual’s liberty is at stake, and potential emergencies like domestic violence cases.

According to the press release, there are 69 judge vacancies throughout the New Jersey courts with current judges already handling thousands of court proceedings and motions each month.

At the same time, the backlog of divorce and family cases that increased during the pandemic continues to increase as judge vacancies escalate, now resulting in a full-blown crisis.  The byproduct is also that the limited number of judges spread throughout the state are inundated by motions for people who are unable to settle their cases.

What can you do if you’re getting a divorce?

While there are certain family cases that might need court intervention, the vast majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court by mutual agreement.  This is where you and your spouse agree on terms and sign a written Marital Settlement Agreement.  This is a contract that resolves all issues between the two of you, including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Therefore, while only a court can legally dissolve a marriage, you don’t need the Court to make these critical decisions for you.  It is only after you and your spouse have signed a Marital Settlement Agreement that you file the necessary paperwork with the court to legally dissolve the marriage.  And the costs of reaching an agreement with your spouse out of court are likely to be a fraction of what they’d likely be if a court were to decide the issues for you.

Unfortunately, getting to a Marital Settlement Agreement has been made much more difficult since the pandemic with most court proceedings still held remotely, which is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.

With court proceedings and settlement conferences being held remotely, there is no longer an opportunity to sit down in the courthouse and settle divorce cases.   Before the pandemic, all family court proceedings were held in person.  While at the courthouse, you and your attorneys could sit in the hallway or in a conference room and talk about settling your case.

But the court crisis presents a unique opportunity for you and your attorneys to hold your own settlement conferences and in person mediation sessions. That way, you can talk to each other in person the way people used to – but instead of at the courthouse, in your own attorneys’ offices and in mediation sessions.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.  And with skilled settlement oriented attorneys, chances are it won’t be as bad as you might think.

The important thing is that it puts you in the driver’s seat to determine your own outcomes and make your own decisions about your children and your financial future rather than leave such important decisions to the court.

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How To Decide if Divorce is Right for You and How To Keep Things Amicable in a New Jersey Divorce

When a potential client comes to me for a consultation to find out what divorce entails, we will talk about what’s been happening and why they are considering divorce at this time. We will talk about your most pressing concerns and what outcome you most want to achieve.

If you are clearly struggling with deciding whether or not to divorce, we might talk about whether you and your spouse have similar or compatible values, where perhaps you might consider ways to save the marriage.  Or if and your spouse have incompatible values, whether you are both willing to communicate, listen, and work together.

Whether you ultimately decide to divorce or not, it’s important to know what’s involved and what you can expect in a New Jersey divorce.

For instance, during the consultation, we will often talk about how you might save time and money and keep things more amicable by reaching out of court divorce settlements that resolve all issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Here are three general actions to start with to on the road to reaching an agreement with your spouse:

1.        Consider Parenting time.

If you have children, they need both of you now more than ever.  Consider the future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  Start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.  It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

It is generally best for kids to spend time with each parent on a regular basis.  So, to this end, work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement .

Also consider how large upcoming expenses will be paid – things such as buying your teen a vehicle or college tuition – to avoid court for such decisions.

2.        Inventory the financials.

Ideally with your spouse, take stock of all assets and debts acquired during the marriage, as well as marital income and expenses.

You can start by assembling important documents that include bank statements, tax returns, and documentation for values of debts, assets, including pensions and retirement accounts, and property valuations.

3.        Consult with financial and/or tax advisors.

They can help you decide on important financial decisions including whether to keep or sell the home or how to structure and leverage assets that can help each of you achieve short- and long-term goals.  Financial and tax advisors can be instrumental in helping you develop short- and long-term budgets.

Many times, divorce agreements can be reached by negotiating or mediation, or by other means depending on your particular circumstances.  The agreed upon terms are generally incorporated into a written divorce agreement, commonly called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

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5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships with Friends, Family and Romantic Partners

Relationships matter.  In fact, they are essential to our very survival.  Scientific research reveals that social connection and relationships are essential human needs that improve our physical health and mental and emotional well-being.

As a family lawyer and conflict resolution strategist, I have a regular front row seat to what appears to be hopeless disconnection – and I help people gain a greater understanding of each other’s perspectives and a sense of cooperation when they ultimately reach agreements about their children and financial futures.

Close personal connection makes a dramatic difference in our lives.  Personal and social connection is when we experience feeling close to and a sense of belonging with others.  It is when we have shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar beliefs or opinions.

According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest-running studies of adult life, social connection may be our single greatest need after food and shelter.

The Harvard Study started in 1938 during the Great Depression and shows that close relationships are what make us live long and happy lives.

According to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study in his viral TED talk, the research revealed three lessons:

• Having social connections is better for our health and well-being; and conversely, loneliness kills; lack of social connection over time affects our health more than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure; prolonged loneliness can have the same effect on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
• Having higher-quality close connections is more important for our well-being than the number of connections.
• Having good relationships is not only good for our bodies, but also for our brains.

New York Times bestselling author and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW agrees that a sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.  According to Dr. Brown, connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

Building close friendships and romantic relationships can be difficult, particularly as we get older.  It is ironic that close relationships are essential to our mental, emotional, and physical health, even for our very survival, yet where and how can we learn to build and maintain them?

Such essential life skills are not taught in schools and there are no how-to manuals.  So what can we do?  Below are 5 ways to strengthen your relationships with friends, family and romantic partners:

1.      Be open and curious about our emotional experiences.

It starts with us.  We might open up to the belief that we all deserve and are capable of close personal relationships.  It’s important to pay attention to the parts of us that might be holding us back from connection.  For  example, if you tend to harshly judge and easily distrust people, where does that come from?  We can only change what we acknowledge.

According to Brené Brown in her New York Times Bestseller Rising Strong, we can start by getting curious about our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.   Dr. Brown points out that emotions like hurt don’t go away simply because we don’t acknowledge them.  In fact, if left unchecked, it festers, grows, and leads to behaviors that are completely out of line with whom we want to be, and thinking that can sabotage our relationships and careers.   She suggests we can commit to blaming others less and holding ourselves more accountable for asking for what we need and want; we can parent by telling our kids that it’s ok to be sad or hurt- it’s normal and we just need to talk about it.

The irony, Brown says, “is that at the exact same time that we are creating distance between ourselves and the people around us by off-loading onto others, we are craving deeper emotional connection and richer emotional lives.”  As difficult and uncomfortable as it is to talk about emotions, not talking about them ultimately causes greater disconnection and damage to relationships than feeling our way through them and committing to learning an empowering vocabulary to have tough conversations.

Likewise, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

2.     Use the language of connection.

When we acknowledge what’s going on for us, we can learn to pull out of our automatic knee-jerk emotional reactions and settle into choosing the response in that moment that’s going to build that connection for the benefit of the relationship.  Check out this post for examples.

3.     Mindset matters.

When approaching new friendships and relationships, assume that people will like you.  According to Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendship and authored “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends,” people you meet are more apt to like you than you presume.

4.      Reach out.

Sending even a brief text message to check in, just to say “Hi”, that you are thinking of them, and ask how they’re doing can be appreciated more than people think, according to a 2022 research study.

5.      Try these 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness

The Greater Good Science Center based at UC Berkeley, which provides a bridge between the research community and the general public, designed 36 questions to overcome barriers to closeness with “reciprocal self-disclosure.”

According to Greater Good, while this exercise has a reputation for making people fall in love, it can be useful for anyone you want to feel close to, including family members, friends, and acquaintances.

The idea is to reveal increasingly personal information about yourself to another person, as they do the same to you.  Research shows that spending just 45 minutes engaging in this type of self-disclosure can dramatically increase feelings of closeness.

The challenge can be that we need to be willing to open up, which isn’t always easy.  The 36 questions are designed to encourage both people to open up at the same time and at a similar pace and reduce the likelihood that the sharing will feel one-sided with an opportunity for the other person to respond positively to our self-disclosure.

The questions are also designed to mirror the gradual getting-to-know-you process but at a more accelerated pace.  You can check out the questions with instructions here.

Just as we might do to stay healthy with diet and exercise, it’s equally, if not more, important to develop and nurture our personal relationships so essential for our well-being.

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Three Powerful Ways to Manage Your Emotions When Conversations Get Heated

If you’re in the midst of divorce – or any conflict for that matter – you can learn how to immediately calm your emotions when things get heated.  When you do, you’ll be able to think clearly and rationally with solutions that work best.

As humans, we all have that automatic knee-jerk emotional reaction when a conversation suddenly turns heated.  Our brains are biologically hardwired to automatically react to a perceived threat to our safety.  The brain’s automatic “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction literally takes over.

That’s when we lose the very part of our brains we need most to think rationally and intentionally.  That’s when we are likely to say something that makes things worse.

But when a relationship is important or if your goal is to settle your divorce amicably, knowing how to pull out of that automatic reaction and choose how best to respond in the moment is far more likely to get you what you ultimately want.

Here are 3 powerful ways to pull out of “fight, flight, or freeze” during a heated conversation or argument:

1.        Pause and notice.

What are you feeling right now?  Do you feel pressure in your chest or is your heart beating faster as your anger rises?  Focusing on these sensations will help the anger dissipate.  According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions last only 90 seconds.  They are really just like waves in the ocean.

What makes emotions last longer than that are the thoughts and stories we tell ourselves about why we’re feeling a certain way.  For instance, feeling frustrated that someone or something should be different than what is.

Instead, try suspending all thoughts about why you feel angry or frustrated or hurt, which will only make that emotion stronger, and simply notice “I’m feeling angry and I feel my heart beating faster and feel tense in my chest.”

2.        Slow your breathing.

Breathe in and count 1-2-3-4.  Breathe out as you count 1-2-3-4-5-6.  Repeat until the emotion subsides and you can think clearly.

3.       Take a break.

If things get too heated, you can always call a time-out.   Suggest when might be a good time to continue the conversation.

Mastering our emotions during conflict is an invaluable life skill.  Just like with exercise, the more consistent you are, the easier it becomes.

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Options for Divorcing Spouses with Growing Backlog of New Jersey Divorce Cases

The latest annual report issued by the New Jersey judiciary for the year ending June 30, 2021 shows a growing backlog of divorce cases amidst a historic statewide judge shortage.

According to the acting administrative director of the New Jersey courts, the pandemic has permanently changed the New Jersey court system and New Jersey courts must continue to evolve if they are to effectively serve the public.

While the 2021 annual report revealed New Jersey courts held more than 156,000 remote events, in all subject matter areas, judicial vacancies remain an ongoing problem and impedes normal operation of New Jersey courts.

This state-wide judge shortage and growing backlog of divorce cases is a historic crisis.  New Jersey courts are overworked and understaffed.  As a result, divorce and custody court proceedings and trials are being delayed for months.  And in many counties, no divorce trials are being scheduled at all.

Issues involving custody and financial relief are not being addressed by courts in a timely fashion, which can significantly increase stress and uncertainty for divorcing spouses and their children.

But you have options.  The vast majority of divorces are settled out of court by agreements that resolve issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

The costs of reaching an agreement with your spouse out of court are likely to be a fraction of what they’d likely be if a court were to decide the issues for you.

But it is extremely important to select a creative and experienced solution-oriented attorney to advise and assist you in expeditiously resolving the important issues in your divorce.

A lawyer with significant family law experience often knows how to expedite the process wherever possible to save you time, money, and emotional energy.

On the other hand, an attorney who encourages you to “fight” is one who will cause your divorce to drag on at significant financial and emotional cost.  Adversarial lawyers focus mainly on finding ways to attack their adversaries instead of looking for common ground.

A lawyer who focuses on being an adversary generally drives spouses farther apart.  This makes it harder to not only reach an agreement but to co-parent your children.

Divorce mediation is another way to resolve differences with the help of a trained, impartial third party.  Mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process designed to facilitate settlements in an informal, non-adversarial manner.

The mediator does not represent either spouse and does not offer legal advice.   Therefore, you and your spouse should each have your own settlement-focused attorney to advise you in making informed decisions that support your interests and goals.

With the help of a skilled and experienced divorce and family law attorney, you can settle your divorce without court.

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A Direct Path from Conflict to Deeper Relationship Connections

If happens to all of us.  One minute you’re having a typical conversation with someone you care about – your spouse, son or daughter, friend, or co-worker, and then suddenly your emotions start to escalate.

What you do our say next can either hurt the relationship or can actually bring you closer.

As a family law attorney for 25 years, I know that communication is essential. Resolving emotionally driven conflict comes with the territory.

I also coach clients on how best to communicate to pave the way to settlement more smoothly.

But these skills can be applied to any relationship at any time.  It’s the ability to pull out of our automatic knee-jerk emotional reactions and settle into choosing the response in that moment that’s going to build that connection for the benefit of the relationship.

According to internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, author, Terry Real, founder of the Relational Life Institute (RLI) in Arlington, MA in a recent podcast episode, we get triggered when something in our life comes close enough to what happened to us as a kid.  In that moment, Real says, the past overtakes the present in your body viscerally and you’re back there.

So, let’s say, your spouse, for example, speaks to you harshly or critically, you suddenly become a 5-year-old and your spouse transforms into your strict authoritarian parent.

In that moment, you have a choice to become the adult you.  It might be a good idea to take a short break.  Tell your spouse you feel like it might help to take a quick walk and suggest coming right back to the conversation.

Go to the bathroom. Take a walk outside. Take some breaths. Walk around.  Whatever it takes.  Just give yourself the space to process what you’re feeling.

Then, when you’re able to access the adult you, what Terry Real calls the “wise adult,” you have clarity.  You’re able to feel compassion for the other person and for yourself.

The key to deepening your connection at that moment is to be compassionate and kind, yet assertive at the same time.

For example, instead of saying to your partner “you’re never around! You’re always working!” you might try “I feel like we haven’t been spending much time together and I miss you.”

But let’s face it.  Pulling ourselves out of our knee-jerk emotional reactions and into our “wise adult” selves can be incredibly difficult.

But one way you can immediately help someone calm down from an angry tirade is to simply ask the other person to tell you more.  This shows that you’re listening to them because we all want to feel heard.

And when you start to see the incredible changes in your relationships that can happen, it can be motivating to keep practicing.  Even when you do get sucked into a particular conflict with someone, you can always clean it up and begin again.

After all, when your partner or someone close to you is unhappy, it’s to your benefit to make them happy.  But most importantly, you will have made a giant stride toward deep connection and greater understanding in your most important relationships.

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Five Concrete Actions to Help Reach Agreement with Your Spouse for an Amicable Divorce

Even before the pandemic and resulting historic state-wide New Jersey court crisis, divorcing spouses could expect to save time, money, and aggravation by reaching out of court divorce agreements.

But when the pandemic forced courthouses to close for most in-person trials for over a year while putting judge nominations on the back burner, the number of judge shortages has reached a catastrophic level as case backlogs increase.  As a result, New Jersey courts are overworked and understaffed.

But you can bypass the family court process by reaching out of court divorce settlements that resolve all issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Below are 5 concrete actions to help you reach an agreement for an Amicable Divorce:

1.        Manage emotions.

In my 25-year experience as a family law attorney, this is generally the most difficult part of divorce.  While it is incredibly common to become frustrated and angry in the midst of divorce negotiations, allowing emotions to control your decisions can lead to a costly and unfavorable outcome.

I use a variety of tools and strategies that can help clients navigate painful emotions that often arise and to facilitate direct communication with their spouses.  For example, you might see you don’t need to take certain actions by your spouse personally and instead become curious about the underlying reasons with the goal of building trust during negotiations.   The importance of listening cannot be overstated because generally before people are willing to settle, they need to feel their interests are truly understood.

It can also help to tackle agreement with your spouse on smaller issues first, which can create momentum and motivation to resolve the larger issues.

2.        Tend to the kids.

If you have children, they need both of you now more than ever.  Consider the future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  Start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.  It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.   It is generally best for kids to spend time with each parent on a regular basis.  So, to this end, work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement.

You and your spouse might also consider how large upcoming expenses for your kids will be paid – things such as buying your teen a vehicle or college tuition – to avoid court for such decisions.

3.       Inventory the financials.

Ideally with your spouse, take stock of all assets and debts acquired during the marriage, as well as marital income and expenses.

You can start by assembling important documents that include bank statements, tax returns, and documentation for values of debts, assets, including pensions and retirement accounts, and property valuations.

4.  Consult with financial and/or tax advisors.

They can help you decide on important financial decisions that include whether to keep or sell the home or how to structure and leverage assets that can help each of you achieve short- and long-term goals.  Financial and tax advisors can also be instrumental in helping you develop short- and long-term budgets.

5.        Hire a divorce and family attorney you trust.

Ideally, you and your spouse should each engage your own creative and experienced solution-oriented attorney for advice and to help expedite the resolution of all issues in your divorce.

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What the Current New Jersey Court Crisis Means for Divorcing Spouses

On the heels of the global pandemic, there is now a historic state-wide New Jersey court crisis – not just in family court, but in the civil, criminal, and other divisions as well.

When the pandemic hit, buildings were closed to most in-person trials for more than a year.  At the same time, the pandemic took the focus off nominating judges and the number of judge shortages has reached a catastrophic level as case backlogs increase.

As a result, the courts are overworked and understaffed.  It is simply not possible to eliminate the backlog of cases with so many open judge seats.  In New Jersey county courthouses, divorce and custody proceedings and trials are not getting scheduled for many months.  And in many counties, no divorce trials are being scheduled at all.

What does all this mean for divorcing spouses?

Unfortunately, bitter spouses may become trapped living together, which can create a toxic home environment, particularly when there are children.  Parents who might need a custody order to move out of state are unable to get into court.

And resolution on such important matters as custody and financial relief is simply not being addressed by courts in any timely fashion, which can create massive amounts of stress and uncertainty for families.

What are your options if you are considering or in the midst of divorce?

Fortunately, the vast majority of divorces settle out of court by legal agreements that resolve issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Therefore, you might consider engaging a creative and experienced solution-oriented attorney to advise and assist you in expeditiously resolving the important issues in your divorce with out-of-court settlement negotiations.

Divorce mediation is another way to resolve differences with the help of a trained, impartial third party.  Mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process designed to facilitate settlements in an informal, non-adversarial manner.

The mediator does not represent either spouse and does not offer legal advice.  Therefore, you and your spouse should each have your own settlement-focused attorney to advise you in making informed decisions that support your interests and goals.  Likewise, only an attorney can draft and file with the court the legal documents necessary for the court to grant a divorce.

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How We Get in Our Own Way When Intimate Relationships Suffer and What We Can Do to Better Connect

It is a universal human experience to have doubts about ourselves, to feel self-conscious, to compare ourselves to others, and to avoid feeling rejected.

But all our focus on being good enough can easily get in the way of connecting with others.  When we perceive criticism, for instance, we can feel threatened and become defensive.  We then can harshly judge others or even avoid relationships altogether.

In our more than ever polarized society, relationships are not valued, although we want and need relationships now more than ever.  Sadly, our society doesn’t give us the skills we need to build and maintain strong relationships.

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years and a child of divorce myself, I see the same reasons over and over again why couples divorce.

It’s when one or both people expect the other to meet their underlying emotional needs; and when they inevitably don’t – because no one person can do that – what results over time is bitterness, resentment, and loneliness.

And when couples stop communicating, they are driven farther and farther apart.  It might start with critical remarks or disregarding a request, which in turn prompts you or your spouse to become defensive or to withdraw.  This can become an ongoing cycle of criticism, verbal attacks, and withdrawing.  Most often, it’s one spouse that wants the divorce while the other is often devastated.

I started wondering – what causes all this to begin with?

According to Terry Real, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, author, and founder of the Relational Life Institute (RLI) in Arlington, MA, the crux of the difficulties couples experience is the playing out, in ways large and small of unresolved feelings of childhood, which includes pain, rawness, fright, and anger.

In Real’s latest book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, he reveals that there’s an adaptive child part in us that has no interest in intimacy; it’s wary, doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, and is preoccupied, above all, with self-protection.  None of these traits, as he says, sustains a loving, trusting, relationship.

So, in the moment when you’re arguing with your spouse, you may very well be reverting back to your negative, childhood-based, self-protective state of being.

We can start by becoming aware of these reactive “parts” of ourselves.   According to Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D., founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and author of over 50 books and articles on IFS, each of us wants our partner to take care of hurt “parts” of ourselves without knowing that we can actually take care of them ourselves.

IFS has evolved into a comprehensive approach for individuals, couples, and families and you can learn more about it here.  According to Dr. Schwartz, how we relate to our own parts is how we relate to others who display those parts.

Real says that too often we get caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong.  The truth is: “It doesn’t matter. “What matters is, how are we going to act like a team and make this work for the two of us? That’s what matters.” So let go of it.

Put yourself aside. Be generous.”  He also suggests putting your focus on the subjective experience of your partner. “You cross over the bridge to his land.  You empathize with where they’re at. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner.”

Once we can recognize our “parts” at work, when we are relating to each other as adaptive children relating to each other (which is not who we really are), we can be proactive, as Real suggests, by stopping ourselves in the moment, taking a breath, and changing course, which can literally transform our relationships.

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Divorce Can Be Traumatic for Kids But Here’s What You Can Do

I am changing what I said previously in this post and in others.  When I said that it is the conflict that exists in the home, not the actual divorce itself, that is most emotionally destructive to children.

Since then, I’ve immersed myself in studying this subject.  I have also observed the impact of divorce on the kids of so many of my clients.  As a result, I began to recognize the profound effects of my own parents’ divorce over 40 years ago.  So, I am changing my view on this.

Yes, it is true that conflict in the home – with or without active shouting – is emotionally harmful to kids.  But it is also true that the physical dismantling of the family unit can be traumatic for kids.  Naturally, you might be experiencing your own grief and emotional roller coaster ride that comes with ending your marriage.

At the same time, your children’s lives will also be shattered.  They are losing the only life they’ve ever known.  A life with a future that involves both parents and a place they call home.  It can be traumatic if your children are not given the space to grieve over the loss of this life.  The space to express what they are feeling – even if they might not have the exact words.  Or simply to say “Goodbye.”

It can help to have them write letters to you.  And you can write back.  Depending on their ages, your children might prefer to keep a simple journal of how they feel.  Perhaps they might feel comfortable sharing it with you.

Many parents choose to stay married “for the kids.”  But staying married while resentment and coldness hang in the air, permeating every room of your home isn’t any better.  Even if you and your spouse aren’t shouting at each other.  Even if you try to avoid arguments with your spouse by giving in, for example.

Your kids have extremely finely-tuned antennae sensitive to any hint of hostility.  They can literally feel the icy distance between you.  This is a great article on what happens to kids when parents aren’t getting along.  The prognosis is not good.  But the article offers valuable tips for resolving conflicts with your spouse and how your kids will benefit.

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Three Powerful Ways to Ease Divorce Transition for Kids

There’s no question that separation and divorce are life-changing events, and can be a huge loss for everyone involved.  When parents separate, it can be incredibly confusing and sad for kids.  It can feel like their whole world has turned upside down.

When I was 13, my father moved out as my parents embarked on a bitter divorce.  My father was a constant presence in our home and involved in our daily lives until he was suddenly gone.  I can honestly say it was traumatic to lose the only life I had ever known up until then.  At first, my younger sister and I saw our father on weekends and Wednesday evenings when he’d help us with our homework.  But then it dwindled to every other weekend, which didn’t ever seem to feel like enough time.

As you experience your own painful emotions about your separation and divorce, it can help to know that where you are now will not last.  It is just a moment in time.  And you will move on.  In the meantime, it can help to focus on being the constant in your kids’ lives that they desperately need right now.

Below are 3 ways to give your children what they need most from you when you separate or divorce:

1.        Assurance that the divorce is not their fault.

It’s common for kids to personalize their part in the divorce and blame themselves.  It’s important to make it clear to them that they are not to blame for your separation and that you and your spouse made the decision because you both believe it’s best for the family.

2.        To know their feelings are perfectly okay.

Encourage your children to express their feelings.  It can help them process difficult emotions they might not even be aware of.  Every child is different.  Younger children can worry that if they do something bad or you become angry at them, you might stop loving them and perhaps even leave them too.

It can be difficult to hear your child lash out and blame you.  It’s important not to take it personally or to respond defensively.

If your child is reluctant to verbalize her thoughts and feelings, you might suggest that she write in a journal or write you a letter and encourage her to not hold back.  You might assure her that whatever she needs, you are here.  That you will listen and will always love her no matter what.

3.        To be kids.

Kids need to be insulated as much as possible from “adult” matters between you and your spouse.  They need to be free to just be kids.  They need to be spared from the role of supporting their parents emotionally.

It’s important to refrain from expressing how angry you might be with your spouse or legal details about the divorce.  At the same time, it is important to make sure your children’s daily routines stay as normal as possible.  Now more than ever, they need structure at a time when things seem to be falling apart.

As difficult as divorce can be, knowing your kids have what they need can help ease the transition for them while bringing you closer.

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This Powerful Method for Challenging Your Thoughts Can Transform Your Personal and Professional Relationships

How many times in any given day do we have thoughts about people that are…well… less than ideal for a satisfying relationship?

Consider the thoughts we have all day long about the people in our lives that separates us from them.   He’s an a–shole.  She took advantage of me.

When we believe our thoughts, we feel and act in line with those beliefs.

Best-selling author Byron Katie is the founder of a powerful method of self-inquiry known as “The Work.”  She has made it her mission to teach people how to end their own suffering.

While our relationships can provide us with support, friendship, and love, they can unfortunately also be the source of much suffering.

But “the Work” shows how it is not the people in our lives that cause us pain and suffering; it is the thoughts that we believe about the people.  Even a thought in itself is harmless unless we believe it.

The Work enables us to examine – or challenge – a thought using a relatively straightforward process.  You simply write down the stressful thought and then ask four questions about it to challenge it.  You then “turnaround” the original thought.  Here it is:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
3. How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?  How do you treat yourself?  How do you treat others?  Do you withdraw?  Do you lash out?  What emotions do you feel when you believe the thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?  How would you feel if you weren’t even able to think this troubling thought?

Turn the thought around:

Then you “turnaround” the original thought to yourself, to the other, or to the opposite, trying each one on to see which fits best.  For each, you would find three genuine, specific examples of how each turnaround might feel most true for you.

For example, let’s say I’m having the thought “he doesn’t care about me:”

1.        Is it true?  Yes, I can see from the way he doesn’t pay any attention to me or show that he really cares that it is true.

2.        Can I absolutely know that it’s true?  If I’m being honest, No.

3.        How do I react when I believe the thought he doesn’t care about me?  I might become angry or hurt and withdraw from him.

4.        Who would I be without this thought he doesn’t care about me?  I might feel free to be kind and compassionate towards him.

Turn the thought around – to yourself, to the other person, or the opposite.

Try each turnaround on:

• I don’t care about me: I don’t care about myself by not tending to what I need to feel good about myself.  Or I don’t care about myself when I make him my enemy.
• I don’t care about him :  when I feel hurt, I don’t care how he feels.  I only care how I feel when he acts towards me like that.
• He cares about me: I can immediately bring to mind specific examples of times that show he really does care.  He might just be caught up in his own emotions right now.

This shows how using turnarounds can really help you loosen your grip on believing the thought – so much so that it completely dissolves.

You can learn more about the Work of Byron Katie and download the worksheet to practice this powerful tool to transform and strengthen your relationships.

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Can You Become Legally Separated in New Jersey?

You might no longer wish to continue living with your spouse, yet you’re not yet ready to get a divorce.  Perhaps your home has become a constant battleground, a source of stress more than anything else.  Perhaps you wish to separate from your spouse to see if the marriage is really over.

Or, if you have kids, perhaps you’re concerned about how your marital difficulties are affecting them.  It is the conflict in the home, not a divorce per se, that is most emotionally destructive to children.

It doesn’t matter if you shout at each other or not.  It’s the way you, as parents, might be interacting within the home that can be the most emotionally damaging to kids.  Whether or not you decide to get divorced now or later, it’s important to know the legal ramifications of your decision.

People often ask if they can get a legal separation in New Jersey.  But, unlike some other states, New Jersey does not recognize a legal separation; essentially, you’re either married or divorced.  This means that even though you are living apart, sometimes for many years, New Jersey still considers you legally married.

What does this mean?

First, any debts that your spouse might incur – even while you’re living apart – could potentially be considered marital debts for which you could be liable.

By the same token, assets that you acquire while separated could potentially be considered marital assets and entitle your spouse to share in the value.

What does this mean if you have an alimony obligation in the event of divorce?

Generally speaking, the longer you stay married, even though you’re living apart, the longer the duration of the marriage could be extended for alimony purposes.  This means you could potentially be obligated to pay alimony to your spouse for a longer period of time.

Consider this option

If, however, you do want a divorce but you need or want to remain on your spouse’s health insurance coverage for a period of time, you might ask your spouse to agree to what’s called a “limited divorce” or “divorce from bed and board” instead of the conventional “absolute” divorce.

The “divorce from bed and board” is the closest that New Jersey has to a legal separation.  It may permit you to remain on your spouse’s health insurance plan even though you and your spouse have resolved all issues as to child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts in a binding divorce agreement.  This is because a bed and board divorce does not dissolve the “bonds of matrimony” and neither of you can remarry as long as the bed and board divorce is in effect.

Therefore, a bed and board divorce is generally agreed to for a finite period of time.  For instance, if you need more time to obtain health insurance benefits or qualify for health insurance with your current employment.

On the other hand, if you are the spouse with the health insurance plan, you might consider agreeing to a bed and board divorce while negotiating in exchange for a financial benefit in your divorce agreement.

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Blurred Lines Between Work and Home is Hurting Our Health and Family Relationships

It seems it wasn’t that long ago that we came home from work, changed clothes, and had dinner as a family.  Our workday was done.  We knew that nothing would be expected of us until the next day.   Going back to, let’s say, the 1990s, there wasn’t an easy way for anyone to even reach us after work hours.

And so we actually talked to each other.  We had conversations.  Nowadays, this all sounds so unrealistic.

While the expectation to monitor work emails 24/7 has been increasing steadily, the pandemic shift to remote work has seemingly brought about a cataclysmic change in our work culture where we are now expected to be available 24/7.

A December 2020 study found that nearly 70 percent of professionals who transitioned to remote work now work on the weekends, and 45 percent say they regularly work more hours during the week than they did before.

For me, more and more work emails continue to fly in and out of my inbox 24/7, though now they are coming from the Court.

I’ve been practicing law for almost 30 years.  And up until the pandemic, court hours have been from 8:30 am to 4:30 p.m.  But when judges and court staff began working remotely, court emails started creeping into 5 pm and beyond.  This has only escalated even though judges and court staff are for the most part, back in the courthouses.

After having gotten sucked into the “always-on” mindset, I’ve made a concerted effort to “turn off” after work hours.

But just recently, in one of my divorce cases, emails between the court and the opposing attorney exchanged at 7:30 at night and 7:00 am the next morning resulted in the canceling of a court appearance that was necessary for my client to spend time with his kids.  Had I not emailed the court immediately during business hours, the father and kids would not have gotten to see each other.

This is just one example of how being available 24/7 has come to be the rule rather than the exception.

But the flip side is that while responding to late-night and weekend work emails might win us points professionally, it will cost us points at home.

Overall, blurring the lines between work and home is hurting our health and our family relationships.

I am guilty of this myself.  I cringe when I recall family vacations when my kids were young and I was off on a bench in an amusement park frantically scrolling through emails and returning non-urgent phone calls.  The part that really stings is that my kids remember it.

Feeling the need to check emails and be on 24/7 has absolutely affected my relationship with my family.  I’ve tried justifying it, but we all know better.  When we reach for our phones during dinner, on weekends, and in front of our spouses and kids, it can make them feel unimportant and as if they don’t matter to us.

So, it’s no surprise the need to keep checking our email folder for work issues is hurting our health and our relationships.  And it has become important for me to draw lines of separation between work and home, no matter how difficult it can be because I know it will be worth it.

If we re-prioritize family relationships, we can take back control by setting clear boundaries, communicating them effectively, and sticking to them.  For example, we can choose not to even check emails (yikes!) and set autoresponders after a certain time of day, during our kids’ games or events, or anytime with family.  Whatever you hold sacred in your life.

Because when we reply to emails within minutes of receipt, no matter the time or day of the week, we train everyone to see that we’re always on-call and immediately reachable.

The key is sticking to these boundaries.  I have found it incredibly tough to break the “always on call” habit.  But when I falter, I know I can simply begin again.

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Navigate Disagreements to Strengthen Your Personal and Professional Relationships

Disagreements arise as a natural consequence of differences in perceptions that we have with others.  Whether it’s a  romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker, we each have different life and emotional experiences that form our perceptions of people and events now.

Basically, we have what this article calls naive realism – believing that the way we see the world is the way that it really is; naive realism is the feeling that our perception of the world reflects the truth.  In other words, we see what we want to see, especially when what we’re seeing is unclear.  Our brains seek out the need for certainty by filling in gaps in information to meet our prior experiences and emotions.

Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to one another.  When you and someone else disagree, it is about the “something”, not about each other.

Conflicts, on the other hand, arise when disagreements have escalated to where one or both of you are now making assumptions about the other that are accompanied by strong negative emotions.

Conflict tends to involve yelling, accusing, interrupting, or even avoiding, which only makes things worse and can potentially damage the relationship.  The good news is that even where disagreements escalate to outright conflicts, we can take a step back.

It can be downright uncomfortable to tell someone that you see things differently, especially with a willingness to listen to their perspective and acknowledge that our “truth” may not be accurate.  This does not mean that we have to sell out or compromise our own basic principles.

I know all too well how incredibly difficult it can be to willingly admit when we’re wrong.  But I’ve also learned that if I always need to be right, that makes the other person wrong.  This only discounts their perspectives and feelings, which doesn’t bode well for any relationship.

When we can instead cultivate a habit of seeking out perspectives that differ from our own with a curiosity about our own blind spots, we can create deeper and more satisfying relationships, both personally and professionally.

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Five Common Expectations that Create Relationship Conflict

Inevitably, we experience conflict in our personal and professional relationships.  But what really causes conflict?  Knowing why conflicts happen in the first place can give us a major leg up in heading them off in our important relationships.

For the most part, conflicts arise when our expectations of others go unmet.  Below are 5  expectations to let go of so we can experience greater peace and enjoyment in our relationships:

1.        Expecting Others to act the way we want.

Let’s face it, it would be much easier if people acted the way we think they should – or if they just acted reasonably, rationally, or logically, as we see it.  But our viewpoints, perceptions, experiences, and the things we feel are important are just not the same as those of others.

Just as we are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, others are not here to live up to ours.  Instead, we can choose to explore or deepen the relationship by putting ourselves in their shoes.  How might they see things?

The upside to letting go of expectations?  When we allow others to be the way they are, it frees us up to take responsibility for our own happiness.

2.        Expecting them to change.

People for the most part don’t just change simply because we want them to.  It comes back to taking responsibility for what we want to see.  So, if you want the other person to change, model the behavior you want to see first.  Listen to be listened to, respect to be respected, or show affection to receive affection.

3.        Expecting them to like you.

Not everyone will like you.  Others may not respect you.   Instead, cultivate relationships and spend time with those who value you.

4.        Expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.

We need to first respect ourselves before expecting others to respect us.  It’s about setting the bar for the behavior we will and won’t accept from others.

5.        Expecting them to know what you’re thinking.

No matter how close we are with someone, they can’t read our minds.  We need to speak up and tell them what we need and want and where we’re coming from.  And just as important is to match these up with what the other person needs.

For example, with a significant other or close friend, you might expect respect or honesty.  If you learn they haven’t been honest, you might remind them how important honesty is to you and that, perhaps, when they weren’t honest, it made you feel that you couldn’t trust them.

When we can let go of these 5 expectations, we allow ourselves to take responsibility for experiencing more peace and enjoyment in our personal and professional relationships.

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Divorce and Co-parenting: is 50/50 Parenting Time the Way to Go?

Parenting roles have come a long way.  And for separated and divorced parents, New Jersey law has come to reflect these changing roles.

Back when my parents were divorced in the late 1970s, it was typically the mom’s role as a homemaker to care for the kids and the dad’s role to go off to work.  These roles were generally reflected in the custody and parenting time arrangements commonplace back then where the father typically had what was then called “visitation” every other weekend and perhaps a weeknight “dinner” with the kids.

Over the past several decades, however, there’s been a growing trend towards more active involvement of both parents in the care and daily activities of their children, particularly with more two-income families.  Father’s roles, specifically, have changed dramatically, and even more so during the pandemic as work from home became commonplace.

As work schedules have become more flexible, many clients are fathers who get the kids onto the bus or off to school in the mornings, prepare meals, take the kids to their activities while and stopping off at the grocery store; they know who their children’s friends are and what the kids are working on in school; they take the kids on weekend day trips and take part in routine bedtimes for their younger children.

And this shift has shown up in the law.  New Jersey law declares as public policy “to assure minor children of frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage and that it is in the public interest to encourage parents to share the rights and responsibilities of child-rearing in order to effect this policy.”

And the research consistently shows that children benefit when both parents are a part of their lives.  Similarly, the law directs the court that whenever the custody of a minor child is at issue, “the rights of both parents shall be equal.”

All this has led to more custody and parenting time arrangements that take a shared parenting approach (which may or may not mean “equal” or 50/50 parenting time for each parent).  50/50 parenting time can work if the parents live in reasonably close proximity to each other and their work schedules allow for it.  For specific types of 50/50 parenting time schedules, check out this post.

But for many families, 50/50 parenting time may not be practical or even best for the child, for instance, where the parents live more than an hour apart.  In such cases, parents would not be able to get a young child back and forth to school without the child being forced to forego sleep to spend a significantly long distance in the car.

It’s important to carefully consider your child’s needs and each parent’s work and other responsibilities to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangement for your children.

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