Four Powerful Things to Do to Combat the Fear of Financial Cost of Divorce

If concerns about the financial cost of divorce are keeping you trapped in a hopeless marriage, you’re not alone.

In my experience of over 20 years of exclusive family law practice, concerns about financial costs and the children are the two most common reasons why spouses avoid or postpone divorce.

Financial concerns often include fear of giving away hard-earned money to their spouse and not having enough left to meet their own financial needs – and how long they might be tied to their spouse financially.

On top of that, there is the common concern based on a widespread mistrust of lawyers – fed by not just the media, but also the many horror stories of our neighbors, family, and friends.  There is the popular perception of lawyers putting billable hours ahead of their clients’ needs.  By the same token, many divorce lawyers expect you to write them blank checks – one after the other – with no apparent end in sight – as you remain no closer to being divorced.

So, it’s not surprising that many people considering divorce view the cost of lawyers as a big unknown and fear walking away with nothing once the divorce is final.  But here are 4 powerful things you can do right now:

1.          Be ruthlessly focused when seeking out the right divorce and family lawyer.

You might start by recognizing that not all family lawyers are created equally.  Hiring the right attorney is one of the most important decisions you can make when starting the divorce process.  Be sure to seek out a good experienced attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving and settlement approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator who simply likes to fight.

What you might not know is the best and most reputable family lawyers can actually save you money by using their expertise for cost-effective settlement strategies, including, divorce mediation, for example, and creative problem-solving.

And an experienced family lawyer can generally give you an estimate of costs based on the specific legal services best for your circumstances.

Finally, make sure your lawyer will keep you informed of each next step of the divorce advised, along with the likely costs and implications.  After all, your lawyer can avoid key issues and provisions being overlooked that can land you in court after the divorce.

It can be far more expensive to pay an attorney to try and fix a bad divorce judgment after the fact than to have a competent family lawyer in your corner in the first place.  Overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, but it can also require costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And when it comes to things like alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you will generally learn what is fair under New Jersey law.

And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

2.          Know what you have.

If you’re not familiar with the marital finances, it can cost more in legal fees to ensure you get a viable and fair financial settlement in the divorce.  Therefore, you should be aware of all assets and debts in either or both spouse’s names.

3.          Know your expenses.

It is also important to know your monthly expenses and to anticipate what they will be after the divorce.  This knowledge can go a long way in helping to achieve the right divorce financial settlement for you.

4.          Focus on the big picture.

You can keep legal costs down by choosing your battles wisely.  Know what is most important for you to move on with your life.  It’s typically far better to save your time, money and energy for building your life after divorce.

If you find yourself becoming controlled by your imagination of what could happen in divorce, stop.  Instead, spring into forward-moving action while trusting yourself.   You are much stronger than you realize.  And you will get through this.

If you liked this post, please share on social media or with others who would find it helpful.  To receive the most up-to-date family law tips and developments, sign up to receive our weekly blogs or monthly newsletter right to your inbox.  For more information or to find out how to reach an amicable divorce settlement, click here to schedule a personalized consultation.

How To Say “I Want A Divorce” And Still Remain Amicable

Many couples tend to put off divorce until after the holidays.  And with the holidays now over, there’s the difficult task of telling your spouse you want a divorce.  And you might wonder if the divorce can ever be amicable.

It’s important to recognize that how you tell your spouse you want a divorce will most likely determine how the whole divorce process will unfold.  For instance, if your spouse feels blamed or disrespected, he or she is more likely to retaliate by refusing to cooperate in the divorce process, escalating conflict, and legal fees.

Therefore, before approaching your spouse, make sure you’re certain you want a divorce.  And think of how your spouse might feel and what you might say.  Prepare yourself for a variety of responses like anger or attempts to change your mind.

You can start with something like “I think you would agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way, we’ll end up hating each other.  I want a divorce.”  If you have children, you might also say something like “our kids deserve better. They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

It’s important to remain firm yet compassionate.  Avoid wavering which could give your spouse false hopes for saving the marriage.  And avoid becoming reactive or defensive.   It’s also important to clearly convey your commitment to remaining respectful and reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

Do not try to convince your spouse that divorce is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.  By the same token, steer clear of engaging in talk about dividing assets or paying support.  The time to address the legal issues will come later as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

If the conversation turns toward fault or legalities, simply reiterate your commitment to remaining respectful of your spouse’s feelings and reaching an amicable outcome.  Then, end the conversation by offering to give your spouse some space.

Thanks for reading!  If you liked this post, please share on social media or with others who would find it helpful.  To receive the most up-to-date family law tips and developments, sign up to receive our weekly blogs or monthly newsletter right to your inbox.

Four Simple Steps to Handle Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Ease

Have you ever found yourself feeling like you need to speak up to someone about something but unable to find the right words?

When you’re stumped on how to say what needs to be said without pissing off the other person and starting an argument? When it simply seems easier to say nothing at all?

But then sometimes, if we don’t say something, things will only get worse.  Like when you’ve decided to end your marriage or relationship.  Or need to resolve thorny custody or parenting issues with your ex.  It might seem easier to put things off until the vaguely distant “right” time.

As an experienced lawyer and mediator, I’ve found these 4 simple steps from the bestselling book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, to be most effective in strengthening relationships in the midst of difficult conversations.

1.          What’s your end game?

Before you say anything, ask yourself what you really want and what’s at stake.  For example, when ending a relationship, you might want to remain amicable and able to effectively parent your children together.

2.          Find the missing pieces.

Find out as much as you can about the other person’s views.  Let them know how important it is to you to understand their needs and concerns so together you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.

3.          Describe your experience.

If the other person acted in a way that made you uncomfortable, be specific about what those actions were.  For instance, when you told me X, it seemed like Y.  Is that what you meant?

4.          Move to action.

Agree on the solution that will effectively work for each of you.  Confirm who will do what by when and settle on a way to follow up.

These steps can be used just as effectively to handle difficult conversations with employees, supervisors, and colleagues.

To find out how strategic coaching can help you communicate more powerfully, persuasively and effectively in your family and personal relationships, click here or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.  In the meantime, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter and you’ll never miss a post.

Ten Tips on College Costs for Separated or Divorcing Parents

Happy New Year!  If you’re separated or considering divorce, is 2020 the year you’d like to start planning for your children’s college educations?

If so, and you haven’t yet decided on the specifics of college planning, read on to find out what to focus on and what to do next.

College is expensive, to say the least.  So, in general, it’s never too early to start planning and saving.  But for divorcing parents, the question becomes who pays for what? And how much?

In New Jersey, divorced parents are generally obligated to financially support their children until each child becomes “emancipated.”  For a child who attends college full-time, he or she becomes “emancipated” upon completing full-time attendance at college or reaching age 23 – whichever occurs first.

So, chances are, you’re both going to have an obligation to contribute something toward your kids’ college costs.  How can you get started?

First, you can start a college 529 account on your own.  Sit down with your financial advisor and determine how much to contribute, either directly or through a payroll deduction.

Then, when it comes time to allocate the college contributions between you and your ex when your child starts college, you would have already saved up for your share.

Your divorce agreement should be drafted to clearly set forth your rights and obligations for you and your ex with respect to your child’s college education.  The key is to come up with a plan you can both agree on.  This also helps take the pressure off your child by having predefined responsibilities for each of you, including your child.

Therefore, if you and your ex agree you’d like the kids to attend college, the following decisions should be made as soon as possible, either between you directly or with the help of your lawyers:

1. Decide when you will discuss with each other and with your child the colleges in which he or she is interested in applying (generally by May of junior year of high school);
2. Are there specific criteria for those schools, such as cost or geographical area?
3. When will visits to colleges be scheduled? (for instance, spring of your child’s junior year);
4. Will your child apply for financial aid, including scholarships, grants, work-study, and Federal, i.e. Stafford loans?
5. If so, which parent will complete the FAFSA form each year?
6. Who will be responsible for repaying any Stafford loans – you and your spouse, or your child?
7. Did you and your spouse establish a college 529 account during the marriage?  If so, will those funds be applied first before allocating remaining college costs?
8. After applying all financial aid awards, scholarship awards, Stafford loans, and existing college 529 or other savings accounts, how will the balance of college costs be paid and apportioned?  For example, will they be paid in proportion to each parent’s incomes (e.g., the parent who earns 75% of the combined parental income might pay 75% of the expenses); or will you and your ex take out parent PLUS loans?  Will your child contribute from his or her earnings?  Another option is to set a maximum contribution for you and your ex toward out-of-pocket college costs, for example, $25,000 per year (with any additional costs paid by your child with or without student loans);
9. How will you define which expenses will be considered “college costs” to be apportioned?  Generally, college costs often include:

• SAT/ACT prep courses or tutoring;
• College application fees;
• Tuition (how will study abroad be addressed?);
• Room and board (how will off-campus housing be addressed?)
• Books, school supplies, and computer or laptop and printer;
• School internet access and/or printing costs;
• Registration and lab and other fees charged by the institution;
• Reasonable dormitory setup costs; and
• Fraternity or sorority expenses.

10. If you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement on allocation of college costs by the end of your child’s junior year in high school, for instance, will you attend private mediation before either of you files a motion with the court?

Planning out such details can save you much time and lawyer fees in the divorce.  By the same token, you can have the peace of mind of knowing you’re well equipped and prepared when it comes to your child’s college education.

If you liked this post, please share it on social media or with others who would find it helpful. And to receive the most up-to-date divorce tips and developments in the law, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter.

 

How To Dramatically Transform All Your Relationships In The New Year and Beyond

I have to admit, during the holidays, I’m a sucker for those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. The ones that portray loved ones gathered around a roaring fire or baking cookies in a warm home expressing warm fuzzy feelings to each other.

Ironically, I can’t help but notice the stark contrast of this image with today’s reality.  Tune in to any major news channel and we become instantly bombarded with expressions of hate and violence that appear to now be more commonplace than rare exceptions.  It’s no wonder our current culture has become pervaded by mistrust, skepticism, and suspicion.

Sadly, it appears we’ve surrendered to becoming divided and separate from one another.  Which is ironic because we, as human beings, crave social connection and a deep basic need to be heard and understood.

As  Brené Brown Ph.D., author of her latest bestseller, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, describes in this article, “we’re in a spiritual crisis:”

We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away from one another and toward blame and rage. We’re lonely and untethered.  And scared. … If I had to identify one core variable that magnifies our compulsion to sort ourselves into factions while at the same time cutting ourselves off from real connection with other people, my answer would be fear. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of the pain of disconnection. Fear of criticism and failure. Fear of conflict. Fear of not measuring up. When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes.

According to Brown, “the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection:”

If we’re going to change what is happening in a meaningful way,  we’re going to need to be intentionally with people who are different from us and learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.

And here’s something important to remember.  Each and every one of us has the ability to make an impact each and every day.   Whether we choose to make an inconsiderate comment or a kind gesture – we have the power in each moment to choose connection.

So, what exactly can we do to create and sustain close satisfying relationships?  Not only with the people who matter most to us – our spouses, kids, and extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues – but with anyone, at any time, anywhere?

Based on my decades-long experience in negotiation, advocacy, and mediation, and intensive study of human behavior and interpersonal communication, what became crystal clear is this.  We create and maintain close interpersonal relationships by really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.

The importance of effective communication cannot be overstated.  It determines the success of the outcome.  It can make or break a relationship in an instant.  It can be used to persuade, empathize, advocate, negotiate, inspire – but only when combined with effective listening and learning the other person’s point of view.

Here are 4 ways to set the stage now for successful relationships in the New Year and coming decade:

1.          Just Do It.

Begin to notice the things you admire or appreciate about the important people in your life.  And here comes the scary part.  Take a deep breath and tell them specifically what you admire or appreciate.  So many times, we leave things unsaid because “it’s easier” than the unknown reaction.  Yet these very things that have the power to dramatically transform a relationship.  Here are some examples that might get you started.

2.          Don’t Assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume another person’s intentions and motivations.  I’m certainly guilty of this.  I’ve often believed it was the other person who was wrong.

But I like to use a saying I once heard on an episode of the old sitcom The Odd Couple (I’m dating myself now…).  The one where Felix uses a whiteboard to show that when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.  Instead, start by asking yourself “what don’t I know about his person’s motivation, intention, reasoning, and feelings?”

3.          Really listen.

“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.” — Alan Alda.

All humans have a deep, primal need to be heard and understood.  When we can listen with a willingness to be changed by what we hear, our relationships will become dramatically stronger.

In a conversation, when I start to notice my own biases and judgments showing up, I’ve learned to put on the brakes and remind myself to listen with the intent to learn and connect, rather than to blindly inform.

4.          Communicate Intentionally.

Every word we say has significance.  Likewise, every facial expression, gesture, body posture conveys a message.  So, before responding, you might visualize as if you were the other person – what would you think and feel from that vantage point?

It also helps to match the other person’s speaking style and vocabulary.  Take their lead on the words they use so your response arises naturally.  Sync up your body language.  For example, lean in, make eye contact, nod, and say “yes.”

When asking questions to learn where the other person is coming from, it’s generally best to use “how” and “what,” not “why.”   The word “why” tends to immediately put the other person on the defensive with a need to justify their words and feelings.

When we start to communicate with a real understanding of another’s viewpoint, with genuine curiosity, respect and compassion, each and every relationship becomes stronger and more rewarding.  And we can achieve any important outcome when we engage, inspire and connect powerfully with others.

Best of luck and I’d love to hear your feedback!  

If you liked this post, please share it with others who might find it helpful.  And to receive the most up-to-date divorce tips and developments in the law, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter.

Wishing you the very best of holidays and a Happy and healthy New Year!

Four Ways To Win Your Negotiation When The Relationship Is Important

We negotiate all the time with people we see on a regular basis – and with whom we have an ongoing relationship that’s important to maintain.

Negotiation is essentially the process of reaching agreements.  In business, it might be with business partners, vendors, investors, and employees.  At home, it might be with your spouse – from whether to go out or stay in, or whether to stay together.  Or with your kids – from whether to buy the new toy or the new car.

It’s no secret that knowing how to negotiate skillfully and effectively is essential for business success.  It also helps to create good parenting, healthy relationships with our children, and a stronger marriage.

So how can you get what you want from in your negotiations without “upsetting the apple cart” in your relationships?  Try these four “winning” ways.

1.          Listen to really understand.

The other person’s point of view can look very different than yours.  That’s because we each interpret things differently according to our particular personal experiences and beliefs.

According to the Harvard Law School, Program on Negotiation, even if you have decided to make the first offer and are ready with a number of alternatives, you should always open by asking and listening to assess your counterpart’s interests.  And the more you can learn about what the other person needs or wants, the better your position in the negotiation.

Assuming you know what they want can easily derail any negotiation.  The worst negotiators I’ve encountered in over 25 years practicing law are the ones who dominate the negotiation and continuously argue the merits of their position.

Instead, begin by asking open-ended questions and listen very carefully.  Listen to the words as well as tone, body language and by reading between the lines.  You can really learn a lot about the other person by focusing on the context instead of the content of what they’re saying.  Do they appear angry, frustrated, or scared?  This will help you manage your own emotions by staying focused.

Likewise, when the other person sees that you understand where they’re coming from, they’re more likely to trust you.  People are generally more likely to accept suggestions and do business with those they know, like, and trust.

2.          Keep the negotiations respectful.

Particularly when negotiating a business transaction that requires ongoing involvement or with someone you’d like to do business with again, it’s key to be respectful and collaborative.  The negotiation is far more likely to be successful than if you come across as insulting or abusive.

By the same token, according to established social science research, people tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions.  Therefore, if we cooperate with others and treat them with respect, they’re likely to respond in kind.

3.          Ask for something in return for a concession.

It’s important to avoid continually conceding, or giving in, to what the other person wants.  Otherwise, the other person will just keep asking for more unreasonable things and know that you’ll eventually give in.   So, if you give in on a point, make sure to ask for something in return.

4.          Put it in writing.

You can keep the momentum going by putting agreed upon key terms in writing.  This will also help secure the other person’s commitment. 

Conclusion

These straightforward strategies can make a big difference in the outcome of your negotiations – with your relationships not only intact, but better.

If you liked this post, please share it with others who might find it helpful.  And to receive the most up-to-date divorce tips and developments in the law, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter.

Four Important Tips for Navigating the Holidays with Kids When You’re Separated or Divorced

No doubt about it – divorce is difficult as it is.  And during the holidays, it can be downright brutal.  Especially when you have kids who need you.

If you’re divorced, it’s likely you already have a custody and parenting time arrangement spelled out in your divorce agreement.

If you’re separated, you can have your lawyer draft up a custody and parenting time agreement.

In any case, it’s important for kids that you and your ex lay out even a general plan for where and how the kids will spend the holidays.  Below are 4 important tips for navigating the holidays with kids when you’re separated or divorced:

1.          Stick to tradition as much as possible.

For example, if you typically hosted Christmas dinner, you might consider continuing this tradition and keeping a home-base for your children.  One option might be having your children spend the main holiday meal with one parent and share dessert or brunch with the other parent.  Or if your ex’s family traditionally hosts Christmas Eve dinner and yours typically hosts Christmas Day, you can arrange for the kids to continue to share the holidays the same way.

2.          Don’t leave holiday plans up to the kids.

Depending on their ages, it can be a big burden for them.  It’s common for kids to feel guilty leaving one parent alone.  Therefore, it’s generally best if you and your ex together decide how the kids will spend the holidays.  That would give them much needed structure and stability, especially in the midst of this family transition.

3.          Allocate time during the holiday school break.

School-age kids are typically off from school from just before Christmas until just after New Year’s Day.  During this time, you and your ex might each plan special outings or activities on allocated days.

4.          Divide the holidays up into parts.

For instance, you and your ex can decide where and how the kids will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and New Years’ Eve and New Years’ Day.  Or allocate certain hours of the day or evening for each parent.  Same idea if one or both parents celebrates Hanukkah.

Another alternative is to allocate holiday time by alternating holidays each year.  For example, the kids might celebrate certain holidays with one parent this year, and the other parent next year.

The bottom line is that when it comes to divorce and navigating the holidays with kids, consistency is key. Communication is essential.  And stability is necessary.

If you liked this post, please share it with others who might find it helpful.  And to receive the most up-to-date divorce tips and developments in the law, sign up for our blogs or monthly newsletter.