Seven Dos and Don’ts to Ease Divorce Transition for your Kids

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard enough just keeping things together for yourself.  So, trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

These 7 DOs and DON’TS for parenting during divorce can go a long way to help ease the transition for your kids.

1.        DO stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, homework schedule, and curfews, particularly for younger children.

2.        DO reduce arguments with your spouse, especially around the kids.  Regardless of their ages, kids can pick up even the tiniest hint of conflict between their parents.  Even if you’re not actively shouting at each other, your kids can sense the chilly atmosphere between the two of you.

3.        DO make every effort to support your child’s relationship with the other parent so your child can feel free to love both of you.

4.        DO NOT ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.        DO NOT ask the kids questions about the other parent’s personal life, such as dating activities.

6.        DO NOT make disparaging comments about your spouse to or in front of the children.

7.        DO encourage ongoing relationships between your kids and extended family members.  The more people who love and care about your kids, the less painful the divorce can be for them.

These tips can help guide you in keeping your kids front and center to minimize any long-term negative emotional effects for them.

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Divorced Parents and the 2021 Advance Child Tax Credit

You might know that with the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021, parents can get monthly checks over the second half of this year as an advance payment on their 2021 child tax credit.

Starting with payments on July 15, 2021, the IRS will pay parents of qualifying children half the total Child Tax Credit amount in advance monthly payments.  Parents will claim the other half when they file their 2021 income tax return. For more on the advance child tax credit, click here.

But what if you’re divorced?  Only one parent can claim the credit for each child and it’s typically the parent with whom the child primarily resides.

Where there is an equal custodial arrangement, however, the parents can agree that the parent with the greater income will claim the child tax credit or they can agree to alternate each year.  To complicate matters, the IRS will send the advance child tax payments to the parent who claimed the child as a dependent in 2020.

But there’s a solution.  The parent who is not designated in the divorce agreement to receive the child tax credit this year can opt out using the IRS’s online portal.

For example, if you claimed the child in 2020 but your ex will claim the child in 2021, you will still get the advance payments.  So you might want to opt out of payments now.  Then, later this year, you can use the portal to update your child tax credit information.

Always double check your options, however, by consulting with your tax professional.

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The Four Characteristics Your Lawyer Needs When You Want an Amicable Divorce

When you want an amicable divorce, it’s common to want to avoid lawyers.  After all, lawyers are commonly associated with more conflict.  Unfortunately, it’s the worst ones we tend to hear about the most.

But like any type of professional, not all divorce lawyers are created equal.  So, if you want an amicable divorce, the first thing you need to do is commit to it.  That means choosing a lawyer that reflects your commitment to an amicable divorce.

Because, believe me, there are plenty of lawyers who see every divorce they handle as a fight.  Adversarial lawyers focus mainly on finding ways to attack their adversaries instead of looking for common ground.  This tends to drive divorcing spouses farther apart, making it much harder to settle your case or to co-parent your children.

An adversarial approach to divorce can also lengthen the amount of time it takes to reach a divorce agreement and legal fees can quickly get out of hand.

So, if you’re truly committed to an amicable divorce, your lawyer should have these 4 characteristics:

1.        Experienced in Divorce and Family Law.

Your divorce lawyer should have many years of experience and focus mainly on divorce and family law.  An experienced divorce lawyer can be very helpful during negotiations.  And he or she will likely know how to expedite the process wherever possible to save you time, money, and emotional energy.

 2.        Settlement-focused.

The settlement-focused lawyer can save you time and money by guiding you to an amicable divorce settlement out of court.  Rarely do divorce cases go to trial in court, nor should they.

 3.        Exceptional communicator.

If you want an amicable divorce, your lawyer should be able to talk to you in plain English without a lot of legal mumbo jumbo.

Your divorce lawyer will want to make sure you understand the divorce process and what’s happening in your case.  Good communication is essential so you know the decisions you need to make to settle your divorce and the implications of those decisions.

 4.        Great listener.

 It goes without saying that your divorce attorney should listen to what you want and need in your divorce.  He or she should not be quick to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

The importance of having the right divorce attorney in your corner cannot be overemphasized.  It is one of the most important decisions you make in your divorce.

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Turn Your Key Relationships Around: Here’s What Tony Robbins Says

“If you want joy, happiness, freedom, and an extraordinary life, it will not come from blame. Never. There’s no pride that comes from blame.” – Tony Robbins.

The popular quote by Esther Perel,  psychotherapist, corporate organizational consultant and New York Times best-selling author holds “the quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

Tony Robbins agrees in this recent podcast with Lewis Howes.

So, what can we do if our current relationships are less than ideal?  According to Robbins, “the more you find unconditional love for others, the easier it is to unconditionally love yourself.”

Let’s say you’re angry or frustrated with a loved one who’s not treating you with respect and is constantly criticizing you.  How can you feel unconditional love for this person?

Shift your perspective.

As Robbins emphasizes “blame is not a strategy for a meaningful life; blame is not a strategy for greatness.”  He challenges you to “get out of your ego and shift from not getting to giving.”

In other words, find a new perspective from which to view your loved one.  Let’s say it’s your overly critical spouse or mother-in-law.  Here’s what Robbins suggests:

Stay in a loving place, think of all that she cares and feels for, all that she’s feeling, all that she feels frustrated about in life, all that she’s going through that made her this way.  And then feel ‘I don’t have to go through this – I can love them.’

After all, according to Robbins, “relationships are grown by giving not by demanding; not by judging.” When we judge and criticize others – as we all do, me included – as Tony Robbins puts it “you’re essentially saying that everyone else is wrong or immoral unless they do what you do, think what you think.”

But as Robbins emphasizes, “you’re more than someone else’s influence” by their words or even by their actions.

Watch your language.

As Tony Robbins points out “not everyone is going to be fair and just (and if we’re being honest, we’re not always fair and just either) You can’t control what people do.  Control is an illusion.”

Notice the language you’re using, he suggests.  For example, you might complain how “toxic” this person is.  But that’s keeping you in that perspective of the person.

So, according to Robbins, “if being around someone doesn’t serve you, acknowledge that and move on; people are toxic because you give them energy.”

He also points out that the words you use, “like saying you’re depressed, actually create a bio-chemical response in the body.”

Ultimately, according to Tony Robbins, “when it comes to living an extraordinary life, the common thread is generosity; life is not about making ourselves happy.”

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Four Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Stay Calm During Conflict

It’s inevitable that a conversation will suddenly turn heated.  In that heated moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need the most to think rationally and intentionally.  Yet how we choose to respond in any given moment can make or break a relationship.

Before you say something you might later regret, first remember that we can calm our immediate emotional response in an instant.

Here are 4 simple (not necessarily easy) yet powerful ways to stay calm during conflict:

1.        Pause and notice.

During the conversation, notice what you’re feeling when things start to get heated.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Breathe and Count.

This is the time to take that beat to breathe.  You might breathe in and count slowly to 4, then breathe out as you count slowly to 6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our strength for the next time.

3.        What do you really want?

Get clear on what you really want by asking yourself “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  According to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,  “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”

Basically, it’s about taking the attention off of our egos and on what we really want for this relationship.  To find out more, check out this post.

4.        It Takes Practice

What I’ve realized is this:  like building muscle by regular workouts, it takes regular practice to strengthen the ability to control our emotions.

Taking even just 10 minutes during the day for meditation can be extremely effective in gaining control over your thoughts and emotions.  This article can help you find what might work best for you.  You might also try this app by Sam Harris. It offers a 28-day meditation course with complementary content with additional meditations.

The key is to practice regularly until it becomes a habit and available when you need it right away.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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Save Big on Divorce Lawyer Fees with These Five Steps

The vast majority of divorce cases are settled out of court by mutual agreement.  Therefore, once you decide to divorce, the goal should be for you and your spouse to sign a divorce agreement, typically called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Marital Settlement Agreement generally includes provisions for child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Below is a general list of 5 steps for settling your divorce out of court that can save you big on divorce lawyer fees.

1.        Agree about the Kids.

Draft up a written custody and parenting time agreement for your children.

2.        Inventory the Marital Assets and Debts

Make a joint list or spreadsheet of all marital assets and debts in both names or individual names.  For assets, include real property, bank accounts, investment accounts,  and all pension or retirement accounts (IRAs, 401ks,  pension and/or profit-sharing plans, annuities).

For any accounts in one spouse’s name, exchange account statements for the last three years to identify additional sources of income and any large withdrawals.  Also include personal property, such as furniture, art, and jewelry.

If there are any businesses, or premarital, partially premarital, inherited, or other more complex assets, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer about how such assets are treated under New Jersey law and to protect your interests.

For the marital debts, obtain current credit reports listing the outstanding debts in each of your names.

3.        Gather Insurance Policies

Make a joint list of all health insurance policies, health savings accounts, life insurance policies, and safe deposit box contents.

4.        Calculate the Marital Income.

Identify all sources and amounts of total income for each of you.  For any employment compensation involving bonuses, commissions, stock options, or other incentive compensation, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer as to how these are valued and divided under New Jersey law.

5.        Calculate Expenses.

On the income spreadsheet, list the total amount of all current expenses for the household.  Include expenses for the children and college costs, if being paid.

Identify what you would each like your post-divorce financial life to look like.  Does one of you want to keep the marital home?  Do you want to sell the home and/or other real property and each purchase separate residences?  How much do you want to have saved in retirement?   Use your goals to list anticipated post-divorce expenses, including future college costs, if any.

Getting started with these 5 steps can go a long way to saving you on legal fees while putting you in the driver’s seat of your post-divorce future.

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Five Bestselling Tips to Communicate Your Way to Successful Interpersonal Relationships

The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

-Esther Parel

In each moment, we can choose the quality of relationships we have we others.  And a critical component of successful relationships is our ability to communicate effectively.

Interpersonal skills are not typically taught in school.  This is unfortunate because these skills are crucial for creating and maintaining meaningful personal relationships both at work and at home.

Developing strong interpersonal communication skills, specifically, can lead to strong and healthy relationships in any environment.  Interpersonal communication is essentially the exchange of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and information with others.  Exchange can be verbal or non-verbal, such as with facial expressions or body language.  The key to successful interpersonal communications is to have an intended message conveyed and received as intended.

In The Achievement Habit, author Bernard Roth shares invaluable insights of design thinking to help people achieve goals never thought possible.

In the book, Roth lists his top suggestions for good interpersonal communications, which I find extremely valuable in any daily interactions with others.  Here are 5 of his tips:

1.        Speak from your own experience rather than absolutes.  For instance, saying “It seems to me or “It sounds like” instead of “Everyone knows…”

2.        Refrain from unsolicited advice.  People want to know that you heard them.  They don’t necessarily want your advice or to know about similar experiences you’ve had.

3.        Listen fully without interrupting.  It can be tempting to jump in before the other person is fully finished speaking – especially if you think you know what they’re going to say, or you’re excited about your own experience.

4.        Before telling a story, get clear on the point you want to make.  Make sure you understand what is being communicated to you. It’s easy to misinterpret a message based on our own beliefs and experiences.

5.        Limit the use of “why” questions. They tend to elicit a defensive reaction.

Even small changes to your interpersonal communications, incrementally, over time, can lead to more success and satisfaction in your business and personal relationships.

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