Why We Need Social Connection Now More Than Ever

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies about what makes us live long, happy lives, tells us that social connection may be our single greatest need after food and shelter.

According to the Harvard Study, now over 80 years old, embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier.

And close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed.

Similarly, according to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and author of several #1 New York Times bestsellers including The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly:

A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.. Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

We are hardwired to connect with others.  It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering…We may think we want money, power, fame, beauty, eternal youth or a new car, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, to be loved.

The Harvard study shows that how happy we are in our relationships help us through hardships, strengthen our immune system, and delay mental and physical declines.

The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80, according to Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School as he says in his popular and widely followed TED talk.

On the other hand, according to the Harvard study, lack of social connection over time affects our health more than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure

The study even suggests that prolonged loneliness can have the same effect on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

So, it’s not surprising that there’s been a significant increase in loneliness and a decrease in feelings of friendship during the pandemic.

According to recent scientific research, while physical distance has been important during the pandemic, distance within and among relationships can cause undue harm to a person’s mental health and well-being.

Therefore, we should make conscious efforts to form meaningful social connections with others, according to Jon Ebbert, M.D., a Mayo Clinic internal medicine physician and senior author of the study.

At the same time, according to this recent CDC report, unmet mental health needs also increased significantly as record-high rates of people have been unable to find help.  People simply cannot get in to see a therapist, much less a psychiatrist, due to the unprecedented demand.

In these unprecedented times, it is up to us to think of new and creative ways to reach out to our loved ones and others within our families and communities, and beyond.

Just as we might do to stay healthy with diet and exercise, it’s equally, if not more, important to develop and nurture social connections that are so essential for our well-being.

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How to Calm Down in 90 Seconds or Less

Our emotions are caused by our thoughts but are experienced as physical sensations in the body.  For instance, when we become angry, our heart rate increases, body temperature rises, and we might clench our fists.

Or when we become anxious or fearful, we might experience “butterflies in the stomach” with rapid breathing or shortness of breath.

But did you know that emotions don’t last longer than 90 seconds?

According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.  Think of emotions like waves in the ocean.

What keeps emotions lingering are our thoughts and our stories about why we’re feeling what we’re feeling.  Like telling ourselves that something or someone should be different than what is.

So, when you’re feeling stressed, fearful, or angry, you can detach from the emotion and simply observe how it feels as if you were an outside observer.  It is essential to suspend all thoughts about what caused you to feel angry or frustrated or hurt.  That will only strengthen these emotions.

In other words, without trying to push away the emotion, make an effort to observe it and to label your body’s physiological reaction to it.  For instance, “I’m feeling angry and I feel my heart beating faster and feel tense in my chest.”  Continue labeling until the negative emotion dissipates.  This enables us to focus on observing the emotion instead of identifying with it.

“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

I’m not saying it will be easy, and it takes practice, but it will be worth it to be in control of your emotions, especially before you say or do something you might later regret.

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Four Powerful Ways to Mend a Strained Relationship

Do you have a strained relationship with a family member or someone else you love?  Or perhaps you’re stuck in a rut with a work colleague and can’t seem to turn things around.

It’s not uncommon to experience strained or estranged relationships in our personal and professional lives.

You might know the feeling.  You struggle to carry on a conversation because mistrust or resentment simmers just beneath the surface.  Arguments can erupt out of nowhere.

So you try to limit contact or just decide to keep the conversations polite without becoming fully engaged.  You might even stop communication altogether.

This can make us feel stuck, helpless, hopeless, angry, and powerless to change things.  We might decide to avoid the person and the situation altogether by rationalizing that it’s easier to just let things be.

But the weight of the frustration, anger, and resentment can be tough to shake off as it permeates into other areas of our lives.

You might start to view everything from a more negative perspective.  For example, you might start taking other things more personally and reacting impulsively.

We can become so preoccupied with the drama of strained relationships that we are too upset to fully engage or spend time with loved ones.  And disconnecting from others is likely to create more anxiety and loneliness.

Significantly, unexpressed anger and resentment from strained relationships can have serious physical health consequences as well.  These can include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

And a new scientific study shows that strained relationships with parents, siblings, or extended family members can be even more harmful to our health than a troubled relationship with a significant other.

But you can change the course of your relationship with anyone at any time.  Here are 4 powerful ways:

1.        Say something vulnerable to someone you love.

Pick up that phone or even send a voice text with an “I miss you” or “I love you” and “I hate it when we fight.”  This can instantly break down walls and open the lines of communication.

2.        Start the conversation.

You might say something like “I feel like things are awkward right now” or that “we are seeing things differently right now, but I think we can work it out.”

3.        Share and listen.

Share what you see as the cause of the rift.  Instead of unequivocally blaming the other person, you might use language that shows how you see things from your perspective and how it made you feel.  Then be open for the other person to do the same.

4.        Move forward.

It’s important to focus on what might need to change to avoid future rifts and keep the relationship strong.  Relationship conflicts can be opportunities to learn how other people see things and how to move forward.

The value of our relationships cannot be overstated.  While they can be challenging, relationships can give us the strength to make changes when we need to.

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Beware of the Free Lawyer Consultation

From time to time, I get calls from people struggling with a family law issue and want to know if I offer “free consultations.”  Common family law issues include:

• How does property get divided in a divorce?
• What are my rights if I decide to divorce?
• How can I collect child support from my ex?
• What if my spouse wants a divorce but I don’t?
• Can my spouse and I use one lawyer to get a divorce?

Maybe you just have a couple of questions and want to get a feel for a lawyer before plunking down a pile of money.  I totally get it.

But what you should know is this.  While free consultations might be the norm in certain limited areas of law like personal injury, it’s not the case when it comes to divorce and family law.

In practicing law for over 28 years, I’ve worked with lots of clients and come to know lots of lawyers.  And the few family lawyers who do offer “free” consultations are likely looking to get you in the door for maybe a half-hour (if they really need your business, it might be up to an hour) and talk mainly about why you need to hire them.

Then they drop the bomb on you with the amount of the retainer.

Chances are you won’t come away with meaningful concrete legal advice customized to your particular circumstances and concerns.

After all, our essential business is charging for legal advice, so why would we give it away for free?

On the other hand, my initial consultations with prospective clients are strategy sessions that can last from one to two hours.

Before we meet, we gather your basic details and biggest concerns.  That way our time together can be more productive and you will come away with not just substantive legal advice about what you can expect, but a strategy and plan to achieve what is most important to you.

We also fully explain the nature of my representation, the costs, and the amount of retainer based on your particular circumstances.   And if you decide to retain my services, the initial consultation fee (equal to one hour of my current hourly rate) will be waived.

Even if you decide not to become a client, you still come away with valuable legal advice needed to make informed decisions – perhaps whether or not to stay in your marriage or how to get your own divorce if you and your spouse have resolved the few issues between you.  Either way, as the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

To schedule a personalized consultation, click here or call 973-292-9090 or shoot me an email at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

How to Get What You Want in any Negotiation in Business and Life

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time.  From salary negotiations or business deals to buying a home or a car or negotiating bedtimes or curfews with our kids.

Knowing how to effectively negotiate is a critical life skill that can yield dividends in every area of your life.

But many negotiations become stuck between competing positions to get as much as possible or pay as little as possible.  That’s a recipe for deadlock and failure.

Likewise, many divorce negotiations stall when spouses get caught up with looking to pay as little alimony as possible or, on the other side, how to get more alimony.  Not only does this back and forth take a lot of time, effort, and money, it becomes counterproductive because each party is simply looking to “win.”

But win-lose negotiations are just plain bad practice.  They only lead to lengthier and more expensive drawn-out negotiations with little chance of success.  The best negotiations are ones that yield mutual gain and can also lead to solid long-term relationships.

So, a better approach is to make the other person an offer they can’t refuse.  Making the first offer automatically steers the negotiation toward your interests.

Decide what your end game is and where ultimately want to end up.  What would a successful outcome look like to you?  Then think about what would look good to you if you were the other person.  What would a successful outcome look like to them? What are they looking for?

It’s important that you either know the industry well or do your homework ahead of time so you can come up with creative solutions that could benefit the other person.

This is where asking open–ended questions and listening carefully can be invaluable.  In a high-stakes business negotiation, for example, you might learn the other person really wants to retire and buy a piece of property in Florida and you could help with financing as part of the deal.

In any negotiation, it’s also important to be transparent about your needs and what you’d like to see as an outcome.  That way, you can enlist the other person to work together to find creative ways to meet both your needs.

Approaching negotiations like this simply becomes thoughtful interactions with other people and ways to find even better solutions than you might otherwise not have considered.

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Six Powerful Actions to Overcome Negative Bias and Improve Your Relationships

As human beings, our brains default to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones.

Psychologists call this negativity bias.  It’s why we focus more on criticisms than compliments.  And why bad news gets more attention than good news.

Negativity bias drives our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  And this can have a profound effect on our relationships – with our spouses, kids, extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues.

For example, negativity bias makes it more likely to magnify your partner’s faults or focus on a colleague’s criticism and disregard positive traits or interactions.

Here are 6 actions to immediately improve your daily interactions and relationships:

1.        Set your intention.

Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

Do you want your interactions to stem from fear or anger?  Or do you want to be more loving and attentive?

2.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

3.        Be present.

What are you feeling right now?  For instance, imagine a big stop sign and take one to three slow breaths.  And notice what you’re thinking at the moment.

4.        Immediately reframe.

Picture widening the focus of a camera lens to see the bigger picture.  Take a kinder view of the other person by focusing on their positive qualities or actions.

With practice, you will be able to stop negative thoughts as soon as they begin and replace or challenge them.  This takes repetitive daily practice like finding the silver lining in any experience.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” — Dr. Wayne Dyer

5.        Practice, practice, practice.

Every day, bring the positive experiences of your life into focus.  You might jot down people and things you are grateful for.

Whenever you become frustrated with a coworker or colleague, find 3 or 4 positive things about them.  When something good happens, focus on it and savor it.

6.        Avoid or limit negative news and social media feeds.

Let’s face it. the media bolsters negativity bias by focusing on negative news and events despite all the good things happening in the world.

Whenever you find your thoughts turning to the dark side, stop, notice, and see the bigger picture.

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What Divorcing Spouses Can Do When Virtual Court Stalls Settlement

Divorcing spouses should not rush to court these days.  Once you file a divorce complaint with the court, you’re on the court’s timeline and required to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation to try to reach an agreement on issues like child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

But since the start of the pandemic, mandatory court settlement appearances are held virtually with little success.

The problem is that there is no substitution for face-to-face meetings when it comes to negotiation and settlement conferences.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.

But when all four of you are staring at a camera over zoom, it just isn’t the same.  And New Jersey courts are now recognizing that divorce cases are not settling as a result.

For you and your spouse, this often means higher lawyer fees over a longer period of time to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation with no agreement reached.

What you can do instead

Start by selecting settlement-oriented lawyers experienced in divorce and family law for each of you.   Set aside the funds.  It will generally be worth it by saving you time, money, and aggravation.

Have your lawyers help you and your spouse agree on a date to use for valuing marital assets and debts, facilitate the exchange of relevant financial documents, and agree on custody and parenting time for your kids.

Once you and your spouse have sufficiently determined the marital income, assets, and debts, your lawyers can help you come up with creative ways to divide the assets and provide for support if appropriate.

Your lawyers might also recommend the input of a child specialist or financial professional who can be instrumental in offering creative solutions that might be outside your lawyer’s expertise.

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