What Happens if You Move Out of the Marital Home When You Decide to Divorce?

Once you and your spouse decide to divorce, it can be very difficult to remain together in the marital home.

And when you have children, it is that much more important to decide whether it’s best to remain in the home together or to separate.

It’s very common to feel you should not have to move out of your own home, especially if it was your spouse who wanted the divorce.

Before making the decision for either one of you to move out of the home, however, here are three very important things to consider:

1.     There is generally a legal obligation to contribute to the household expenses in the same manner as during the marriage.

Therefore, in addition to paying for separate living expenses if you move out, you would still likely be obligated to continue contributing to the marital home expenses, such as the mortgage and other expenses and/or child support for the children.

2.      Do you have a written child custody and parenting time agreement in place?

Generally, parents in New Jersey have equal rights to child custody of their children.

Therefore, if you intend to be the primary custodial parent, moving out of the home with the children could subject you to court intervention initiated by your spouse and potential sanctions by the court.

If, however, you anticipate being the non-custodial parent, moving out could create a new status quo where you could potentially end up with less parenting time with your children.

Therefore, it’s extremely important to have a written child custody and parenting time agreement in place before either you or your spouse moves out of the marital home.

3.      Once you move out, your access to the marital home can become limited.

While you retain a financial interest in the home if you move out, New Jersey law generally implies a right of privacy after a reasonable amount of time, particularly when children live in the home.  Therefore, if you need to come to the marital home for any reason, you would generally be expected to give your spouse prior notice with his or her agreement.   For more information about this topic, see my post here.

4.      How will living together affect your children emotionally?

What many don’t know is that it’s not the actual divorce that’s most destructive to children emotionally.  Rather, the ongoing conflict and interaction between you and your spouse can be most damaging to them.

This can include not only actively fighting and shouting, but also treating each other with coldness, indifference or contempt.

The fact is your kids want you to be happy and chances are they know when you’re not.  More often than not, they can feel the tension between you and your spouse.  As a result, they can experience ongoing anxiety from not knowing what will happen.

For instance, they might experience stomachaches, headaches, act out aggressively, or become withdrawn, socially, emotionally, or both.  Their grades might suffer too.  For more information, take a look at this post.

Therefore, depending on the degree of hostility between you and your spouse, it might make sense for one of you to move out of the home and minimize further potential emotional harm to the children.

This way, staying involved with your children’s day to day activities in a stress-free environment can let you focus on enjoying time with them.

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Four Tips for Successfully Negotiating While Preserving the Relationship

Whether you need your co-parent to agree on financial obligations for your children, ask for a raise from your boss, or debate with your teenager, knowing how to effectively negotiate is key for preserving relationships.

After all, using strong-arm tactics might win you the battle in the short term, yet ultimately lose you the war, or more specifically, valuable relationships.

So, how can you get what you want in negotiation while keeping the relationship intact?

Here are 4 tips for successfully negotiating and preserving the relationship:

1.          Figure out what you’re willing to give up.

Relationships are all about compromise — giving up something you value individually for something that two people value.

For instance, In a personal relationship, you might give up some of your personal freedom for enjoying companionship.  And business negotiations aren’t much different.

Therefore, you might prepare for the negotiation by asking yourself what you want to give up.

This will likely put you in a much stronger position to manage your emotions.  It will also shift you to respond rather than react when the time comes for you to give up what you planned.

2.          Shift into a cooperative mindset.

Start with a smile.  A genuine smile stimulates positive emotions.  Not just for you but for others as well.

At the same time, focus on working with, not against, each other, to come up with a solution that would benefit both of you.  Shift your perspective to a win-win solution.

Likewise, a positive mindset drives your actions.  People tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions, as social science research has found.  If others cooperate with us and treat us with respect, we tend to respond in kind.

3.         Build Trust by forging a connection.

In any negotiation, identifying the other person’s interests is key to a win-win solution.

Start by asking open-ended questions, then listen carefully and sincerely to understand where the other person is coming from.

For example, you might show you’re listening by leaning in towards the other person and making validating comments like “I understand.” or  “I hear you.”

The reciprocal nature of trust reinforces the value of taking time to get to know the other person and build rapport before you start negotiating.

You might forge a personal connection by initiating friendly small talk.  Research shows that after spending even just five minutes in small talk helps people feel more cooperative and likely to share more information in negotiations.

4.          Know when to take a break.

If things start to get heated, it’s generally best to call a time-out.  If the conversation turns ugly, you can choose to fight it out – and risk damaging the relationship – or preserve the relationship by putting on the brakes.

You might offer to take some time to give the negotiation some thought and ask when a good time might be to continue the conversation.

Generally, before any negotiation, it helps to consider the value to you of preserving the relationship.  When there’s significant value, the chances of reaching a win-win solution generally become much greater when you put in the effort to proceed with forethought and clear intention.

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Can I Use a Divorce Mediator to Get a New Jersey Divorce?

When you’ve decided to divorce, chances are you don’t want to spend a pile of money to hire lawyers and fight out your divorce in court.

Therefore, you might look to divorce mediation to save time, money, and headaches.

The first thing to do, however, is to consult with one or more competent lawyers who focus only on divorce and family law.

In your consultation, make sure to find out if divorce mediation is the best way for you and your spouse to resolve all issues between you.  These might include child custody, parenting time, child support, payment of college expenses, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Generally, divorce mediation works best for divorcing spouses who both:

1.          Want to preserve an amicable relationship between them for the sake of their children;

2.          Are able to respectfully communicate with one another and are willing to try to see the other’s perspective; and

3.          Are relatively familiar with the incomes, assets, and debts of the marriage.

It’s extremely difficult to make informed decisions if you don’t know how much your spouse earns or how much a significant marital asset is worth.

To find out how divorce mediation might cost more in the long run, read my earlier post here.

If divorce mediation is a good fit for you and your spouse, make sure to get references when consulting with a family law attorney.

It’s then a good idea to contact those divorce mediators and select the one you and your spouse feel most comfortable with.

For more information about divorce mediation or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

 

Six Little-Known Yet Powerful Ways To Reduce Emotional Harm To Your Children In Divorce

As a family lawyer for over 20 years and a former child of bitterly divorced parents, I can personally vouch for the emotional toll divorce can have on children.

And the wealth of research backs up the aspects of divorce that make it so difficult for children.

Below are 6 little-known yet powerful ways you can actively reduce emotional harm to your children in divorce:

1.          Don’t tell your child in anger “you’re just like your father” or “you’re just like your mother.”

Children tend to view their same-sex parent as role models.  Therefore, if you angrily accuse your child of being “just like” his father or her mother, he or she is likely to view it as rejection.

Likewise, your child may also go on to form unhealthy adult relationships by either acting out the negative attributes you ascribe or by remedying the “bad” trait of that parent.

For example, if you tell your son “you’re controlling just like your father,”  he might later become overly passive and acquiescing in his own adult relationships.

Children in divorce also tend to act similarly to the parent you deem them “just like,” by, for instance, being “controlling” towards you.

While this might be hurtful to you, it’s more likely your child is identifying with the other parent or replaying a familiar family structure.  It’s therefore important to investigate with your child what might be going on.

2.          Don’t have your child act as a “go-between” with your ex.

If you constantly ask your child for information about your ex or try to get your child on your “side”, your child can feel trapped in the middle.

And it’s important for children in divorce to have positive relationships with both parents to get them through this difficult time.

3.          Don’t put down your spouse’s significant other to your child.

Chances are, your child already feels in competition with your ex’s significant other.  Specifically, daughters tend to want to remain the “apple of Dad’s eye.”

Therefore, if you often refer negatively to your spouse’s significant other, by, for instance, calling her a “homewrecker,” your child is likely to try and steal away her parent’s attention that much more.

This can seriously jeopardize your child’s relationship with the other parent and cause her self-confidence to suffer.   And again, children in divorce need to develop healthy and positive relationships with both parents.

4.          Don’t parent from a place of guilt.

Trying to “make it up” to your child for a divorce is a fallacy.

Your children need a parent who can give them stability and guidance to get them through what can be an emotionally difficult transition.  They will look to you as their role model for handling conflict and change.

5.          Encourage your children to seek out their own friends and interests.

Children of divorcing parents often tend to want to protect their parents from loneliness and sadness. For example, your child might be inclined to stay home with you rather than go out with friends.

If this becomes a pattern, it could lead to your child’s inability to develop his or her own interests or to form essential healthy and supportive friendships.

6.          Encourage your child to spend time with your ex.

Especially as your children become adolescents, they tend to become more curious about the parent they were separated from.

It’s very important for your children to experience the other parent’s lifestyle and ways of parenting.

It also helps your children navigate conflict while broadening their personal experiences.

By the same token, by spending more time with the other parent, children are able to form much-needed relationships with both of you in a divorce.

Difficult though it can be when going through your own emotional pain in divorce, by simply being aware of what your children might experience in divorce, you can actively minimize any potentially harmful effects on them.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be well worth it to see smiles on your children’s faces.

8 Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Happy, According to Divorce Lawyers

Communication has to be more than just talking—it needs to be about actively listening. “Listen to understand where the other person is really coming from,” Michele Hart, of M. Hart Divorce and Family Law in Morristown, New Jersey, tells Brides. “Listening is at the heart of close relationships with others. Instead of thinking of your own response, put aside for the moment your own judgments, opinions, thoughts, and expectations. How does the other person view the situation?” If you make the effort to see things from each other’s point of view, you’ll be so much stronger.

Click to read full article.

Is Your Spouse Entitled to Half Your Retirement in a New Jersey Divorce?

It’s common to assume your spouse is automatically entitled to “half” of your pension or other retirement assets if you divorce.  This is really not accurate, however.

First of all, in New Jersey, marital assets including retirement assets, are distributed “equitably” upon divorce, which is not necessarily 50-50.

This means that distribution to your spouse is based upon consideration of 15 or so statutory factors, which include among others, the length of the marriage; the ages and health of the parties, the economic circumstances of each party; and the income and earning capacity of each spouse.

So how much of your retirement is your spouse “entitled” to?

Like any marital asset, pensions and other retirement plans acquired during the marriage by either spouse are typically divided upon divorce.

Unlike 401(k) plans, “pensions” typically are “defined benefit” plans funded solely by employers.  This means the plans provide for future lifetime monthly benefits to you.

Pensions are most often associated with state and local government employment.  There is no account balance and you generally cannot take loans against a pension.

On the other hand, retirement assets such as 401(k) plans, 403(b) plans, employee stock ownership plans, and profit-sharing plans are generally valued as of the account statement closest to the date on which the divorce complaint was filed.

How do you determine the value of your retirement asset to be divided?

The “marital value” is the value of your retirement asset in which your spouse would share.  The “marital value” is typically the value that runs from the date of marriage to the date on which a divorce complaint was filed with the Court, or other mutually agreed upon date the marriage is deemed “terminated” (often called the “marriage termination date.”)

Therefore, any portion of a pension or retirement plan that predates the marriage is typically exempt from being divided in divorce.

Pensions

To find out the value of your pension, obtain a “present value” of the marital portion of your pension.  The “present value” is the marital value of your future benefit in today’s dollars.  A qualified actuary or accountant can calculate the present marital value of your pension for a relatively nominal fee.

401(k) and similar plans

The value of account-type retirement plans to be divided, however, is generally the value of the account on or close to the date the divorce complaint was filed with the court or other agreed upon marriage termination date.

How is the marital value of your retirement asset divided with your spouse?

There are generally two options for dividing the marital value of your pension or retirement account:

1.          Present value offset.

Agree with your spouse to “offset” the present value of your spouse’s estimated share of your pension or retirement account with another marital asset of comparable value.

This would enable you to keep your pension provided your spouse receives another marital asset of comparable value.

For example, if the marital value of your pension or retirement account is calculated as $200,000, your attorney might advise in your case that your spouse’s share is worth $100,000.  Accordingly, you might then agree for your spouse to receive another marital asset worth $100,000 and you keep your pension.

2.          Division by Qualified Domestic Relations Order.

A Qualified Domestic Relations Order, commonly called a “QDRO”, is a separate court order prepared by a qualified professional, typically an actuary.  The QDRO is required by your retirement plan administrator to pay your spouse’s share of your retirement asset directly to your spouse after the divorce.

For a pension plan, your spouse typically receives his or her share when you retire.

For a 401(k) or another account-type plan, your spouse would typically receive his or her share according to the terms of your particular plan.  Some plans allow for a single lump sum payment while others do not.   Your attorney would advise you as to which method of dividing your retirement plan upon divorce would work best for you.

For more information about how to divide your pension or retirement plans in divorce or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

 

 

Nine Tips for Saving Money and Aggravation in Your New Jersey Divorce

Divorce is not easy.  But it doesn’t have to involve knock-down drag-out fighting with your spouse or cost you an arm and a leg.

Here are 9 tips that can save you money and aggravation in your New Jersey divorce:

1.         Picture what you want your life to look like after the divorce.

Do you want to buy a new home?  Maintain and grow your business?  Will your children live with you or do you want shared parenting with your spouse?

The more details you can envision, the more control you can have over the outcome.  And the less left to chance for last-minute decisions in your divorce.

Be sure to focus on the big picture.  Identify what matters most to you in your divorce.

Do you want to maintain a civil (if not amicable) relationship with your ex for the sake of your kids?  If so, focus on that as you deal with your spouse during the divorce.

2.          Listen to your children and consider their concerns.

The older your children are, the more they need to be heard.  They will likely have many questions and fears.  Do your best to listen and reassure them.

3.          Hire a lawyer with specific expertise in divorce and family law.

Trying to get a divorce without a lawyer, just to save money, can cost so much more in the long run.

Many lawyers practice family law among real estate, criminal, municipal, estate, and other legal matters.  Hiring a lawyer who is not uniquely knowledgeable and skilled in family law can cost much more money and unnecessarily increase conflict with your spouse.

Also, be sure your lawyer is on the same page as you.  For example, if you want to try to resolve your divorce amicably, the last thing you need is an attorney who likes to litigate at all cost.

4.         Know your finances.

The more you know about the marital finances, the less you will have to pay your lawyer to find out.

It’s important that the financial decisions in your divorce are informed.  That is, with full knowledge and understanding of the marital income, assets, and debts.

Likewise, you will need this knowledge to complete a Case Information Statement, (commonly referred to as a CIS), which is typically required to be filed with the court in New Jersey.

The CIS provides your financial profile and is generally considered the most important document in a divorce case.

For a detailed list of documents to obtain for your divorce, take a look at my previous post.

It’s also very important to run your credit report.  It’s easy to miss things in the midst of divorce.

Your credit report can act as a checklist of what to include in your divorce agreement.  It will also bring to light any debts by your spouse you might not know about.

5.          Secure trusted financial and tax guidance.

If you don’t know the financial and tax consequences of your divorce, it can cost you thousands of dollars.  Be sure to consult with a trusted accountant and/or financial advisor before making final financial decisions in your divorce.

6.          Be wary of divorce “advice” from others.

While you might be tempted to get advice from friends, family, or acquaintances who’ve been divorced, it’s generally a bad idea.  No one knows your particular circumstances the way your lawyer does and can advise you properly.

It is important, however, to surround yourself with trusted friends and family for emotional support.

7.          Ignore nasty attempts by your spouse to hurt you.  

Keep in mind that people are often at their worst during divorce.  If your spouse accuses you of abandoning your children or threatens to sue you for every last dime, or any of the many other nasty things angry spouses can blurt out, ignore it.  End the conversation.  Period.

8.          Don’t short change yourself just to get the divorce over with.

Divorce has its own timeline.  The longer it takes, the more you might become tempted to give in and agree to things against your better judgment.  If you do, chances are you might regret it later.  It’s important to be patient and focus on your goals.

9.          The vast majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle out of court.

Only about one percent of divorce cases filed in New Jersey go to trial.  And for good reason.  Going to trial generally costs tens of thousands of dollars and leads to an unpredictable result by the court.

Divorce doesn’t have to be destructive and put you in the poor house – nor should it.  By keeping your values and goals front and center during the divorce, the more solid and successful your life will be afterward.

Thanks for reading!  Please share this post with others who might find it helpful.