Do You Really Need a Lawyer to Handle Your New Jersey Divorce?

If you’re like many people considering divorce, you might be leery about getting lawyers involved.  After all, it’s a common belief that lawyers mean fighting and expensive legal fees.

As a family lawyer now for over 20 years, unfortunately, I know of many divorce lawyers who are needlessly aggressive and overpriced.   Which is really a shame.

Because just when you’re most vulnerable is when you most need a lawyer who will protect and guide you – with your needs and goals top of mind.

A good divorce lawyer can protect you by covering key considerations for child custody and appropriate financial support for your kids.  Similarly, when it comes to things like amount and duration of alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you’ll need to defer to New Jersey law to determine what’s fair.

Overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, it often requires costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

So, like with any other professional you rely on, it’s important to choose wisely when selecting a lawyer to handle your divorce.

For instance, when deciding if a particular lawyer is right for you, make sure to notice if the lawyer listens to you.  You should generally avoid the lawyer who is in a hurry to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

By the same token, a lawyer with significant family law experience will often use more cost-effective alternatives than going right to court, saving you time, money, and emotional energy.

Ultimately, you should go with your gut feeling when selecting your attorney.  Keep in mind that first impressions aren’t likely to change.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here

Powerful Co-Parenting Checklist to Ease Divorce Transition for Kids

No doubt about it –  divorce is a topsy-turvy crazy emotional time  – for kids and parents alike.  And trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

As both a child of divorce and a family lawyer for over 20 years, I want to help make things even just a bit easier for parents struggling emotionally with divorce.  Below is a powerful checklist to help ease the divorce transition for your kids.

1.      Try to keep the kids in the same school if at all possible.  To lose the continuity of the same friends, teachers, and overall school environment could be even more traumatic for your child adjusting to the divorce shakeup.

2.        Be intentional about interacting with the other parent with courtesy and respect.  Do not fight or argue, or talk about the details of the divorce in front of the kids.

3.        Make an effort to respect the other parent’s privacy.  Refrain from asking the children questions about the other parent’s dating activities, for instance.

4.       Do not ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.       Make every effort to support the other parent’s relationship with the child so your child feels free to love both of you.

6.      Do not make disparaging comments about the other parent or allow family or friends to make such comments.

7.      Make it a point to freely share information about their child.  Consider online tools such as OurFamilyWizard.

8.       Depending on the ages of the kids, stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, wakeup time, homework schedule, and curfews.  Also try to keep rules, expectations, and consequences similar in both homes.

9.       Keep the celebration of holidays and birthdays relatively the same.  For instance, if Thanksgiving or Christmas was traditionally spent with one side of the family, it’s generally a good idea to continue those traditions, for at least the time being.

10.     Encourage ongoing relationships for your kids with extended family members.  When parents divorce, sometimes kids lose their cousins, aunts, and uncles on one or both sides of the family.  The more people who love and care about your kids the less painful the divorce will be.

11.     For extensive professional advice and tips on co-parenting before, during, and after divorce, read Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child.

Keeping your child front and center when making decisions can go a long way towards avoiding long term negative emotional effects on your child.

The importance of how the divorce transition unfolds for kids cannot be overstated.  It is a time when parents play a pivotal role in their emotional well-being and in the success of their relationships down the road.

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Three Simple Steps to Calm Your Emotions During Conflict

Think of a time when a conversation suddenly turns heated.  Perhaps a co-worker makes a derogatory comment to you in front of colleagues.  Or a close friend neglects to call you on your birthday.  Or your spouse nags and criticizes you.

When you have a strong interest in maintaining harmony or strengthening an important relationship, managing your emotions can make all the difference.

When conflicts like these arise, our brains are biologically hardwired to automatically react to a perceived threat to our safety.  And then the brain’s automatic “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction literally takes over.

In that heated emotional moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need most to think rationally and intentionally.  And that’s when we are likely to say something that makes things worse.

The good news is you can take back control and turn things around to improve communication and your relationship.  Below are 3 simple steps to taking control and circumventing the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction:

1.        Notice what you’re feeling.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Suspend all thought and judgment.  Let go of whatever story you’re telling yourself in the moment.

3.        Breathe and Count.  Breathe in and count 1-2-3-4.  Breathe out as you count 1-2-3-4-5-6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our ability to do so.

It’s also possible to make a habit of calming your brain during conflict so it becomes automatic.  Every day, practice controlling your thoughts.  For instance, whenever you find yourself having restless thoughts about the past or future, simply stop, breathe, and pay attention to where you are and who you’re with.  In other words, practice being mindful.  I’ve found guided mediations helpful.

Daily repetition is key.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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How Relationship Conflicts Can Literally Make You Sick

In any relationship, whether at work or home, conflict is inevitable.  You might not be surprised that relationship conflict can affect your mental and emotional health.  But did you know it can also affect you physically?

Relationship conflict is any kind of struggle, disagreement, argument, or dispute between two people in a relationship – whether between partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, or co-workers.

Whether you’re angry or disappointed in something your partner did or said, or you lash out at a colleague who undermines you, you can end up in conflict.

When the conflict in your relationship is ongoing, it creates stress that can negatively affect the health and well-being of both you and your partner.

Relationship conflict can actually be healthy and productive if you use it to learn how the other person sees things and can develop creative solutions.  On the other hand, ongoing unresolved conflict can not only create tension at home or work, it can cause physical pain or sickness.

Emotions, when not felt or expressed, are held in your body – think “butterflies” or “nervous stomach” or your heart racing with fear or excitement.

According to The Great Pain Deception: Faulty Medical Advice Is Making Us Worse by Steven Ray Ozanich, published just recently, the way emotions can get stuck in your body is essentially this.  Someone close to you made you angry and your first instinct was to yell at them.  But because you knew it would be counterproductive to scream, you held back.  As a result, residual tension could get stored in your neck area, creating physical pain.

In any event, ongoing unresolved relationship conflict can lower your immune system making you more susceptible to any number of illnesses.  It can also result in tension headaches or migraines, and chronic pain in areas like your back or neck.

Therefore, it’s important to develop effective and productive communication skills to resolve conflict productively and strengthen your most important relationships.

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Is “Nesting” Right for You? When Kids Stay in the Home and Separated Parents Move Out

When you’re a separated or divorcing parent, chances are you’re concerned about the kids if you or your spouse were to move out of the home.

To help ease the transition for kids, more divorcing parents are considering a parenting time arrangement called “nesting” instead of moving the kids between two separate residences.

Nesting is when the kids stay in the marital home and each spouse takes turns moving in and out.  Before deciding on a nesting arrangement, however, here are 5 things you need to consider:

1. Nesting generally works best when both parents trust each other and can communicate respectfully.
2. Nesting can risk giving kids an inaccurate message that you are working on reconciliation.  Kids tend to fantasize and wish for their parents to work things out and get back together.  Both of you would need to explain to your children that nesting does not mean you will get back together and is temporary.
3. Both parents are to be willing to respect each other’s privacy.
4. Nesting often makes it difficult for either parent to enter a serious relationship, which can become awkward when nesting.
5. Parents might invade each other’s personal space, leave a mess, or fail to purchase certain groceries.

It’s not uncommon for divorcing parents to draw the kids into such conflicts by questioning them on what happened when the other parent was with them or pointing out the other parent’s deficiencies.

Any of this can have significant adverse consequences for kids’ emotional health.   That’s why it’s so important to have a detailed custody and parenting time agreement that spells out details that include:

• When the nesting period will end and a specific schedule as to when each parent is in the home;
• Depending on the ages of your kids, the schedule for such things as homework, activities, meals, and medical needs;
• Which parent is responsible for which household chores; for example, who pays the bills and from which funds or who mows the lawn?
• Which spaces are considered each parent’s private space and what happens if one or both parents begin dating?  Is his or her partner allowed to spend the night?

It’s important to carefully consider whether or not a nesting arrangement is right for both you and your spouse, and of course, your kids.

To help you decide, it’s generally best to consult with an experienced mental health professional as well as your attorney about any potential legal consequences.

Your attorney can also work with you to draft an effective custody and parenting time agreement.  The right agreement would protect your interests and facilitate the well being of your children during what can be a tumultuous time.

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The Secret to Managing Your Emotions for Closer Relationships

As social distancing continues and anxiety increases about the future, close relationships are especially important to our emotional and physical well-being.

Likewise, maintaining connections with those most important to us – Spouses, family, friends, bosses, and co-workers – leads to greater happiness and resiliency, with reduced stress and anxiety.

The number one key to improving our relationships and connecting with those most important to us is the quality of our communication.

While it’s common to experience anger in any relationship, the key is to make sure we don’t let anger damage the relationship.

It’s therefore important to manage our emotions when communicating with the people most important to us.  Obviously, this is much easier said than done.   Managing your emotions really just means (1) becoming aware of the emotion (like rising anger) before reacting; (2) calming down; and (3) responding intentionally.

For instance, according to the best seller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, as you feel a rush to fight or flee, pause and notice if you are trying to win or prove you’re right in that moment.

At times, you might experience a sort of emotional “flashback.”   For instance, your boss points his finger at you to make a point, which forcibly brings up your father doing the same when you were a child.

You might not even recall the memory; you only realize you’re experiencing an overwhelmingly strong negative reaction.  In either case, it’s your signal to stop before you react and just take that breath.  Or you might excuse yourself until you’re calmer.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. — Viktor Frankl.

It’s also common to avoid saying anything at all when we become angry with someone.  But the more you avoid, the more your emotions bottle up.  And the more likely you might explode or “cope” by turning to any type of unhealthy distractions or addictions.

At the same time, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

Therefore, if you’re feeling angry at someone, it’s important to take a pause and first recognize you might not have all the facts.

When you’re genuinely committed to keeping your relationships close and strong, you become much more motivated to manage your emotions.

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Yours, Mine, Or Ours? Dividing Assets and Debts in Divorce

If you’re like many spouses facing divorce, you might believe that marital assets and debts are divided according to which spouse owns a particular asset or incurred certain debts.

For example, suppose you have one or more bank or investment accounts in your name.  Or your spouse charged up large outstanding balances on credit cards in his name.

In this example, you might assume you would keep the accounts in your name and your spouse would have to pay “his” credit cards.

But not according to New Jersey divorce laws.  Rather, marriage is considered its own entity separate and apart from each spouse.

In other words, generally, as long as assets and debts were acquired after the marriage date, they belong to what you might consider the “marital enterprise.”

Therefore, conceptually speaking, divorce (or marital dissolution as it’s often referred to by the court), is not really much different from a partnership business dissolution.

For instance, both business partners might negotiate the terms for dissolution or refer to an existing partnership agreement on the disposition of assets and liabilities.

Similarly, most New Jersey divorces are settled by mutual agreement in what’s called a  “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

Generally, in addition to custody and parenting time for children, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically spells out specific provisions on matters like financial support and division of the marital assets and debts.

That’s why before the Marital Settlement Agreement is drafted, divorcing spouses will generally exchange formal itemizations and financial statements for all marital assets and debts owned in either or both names.

Typically, the lawyers for both spouses negotiate and draft the Marital Settlement Agreement.  The lawyers also typically file the legal documents with the court required to obtain your Judgment of Divorce.

It’s important to recognize that once you get married, the law treats “the marriage” as a separate and distinct entity.  And much like a business, the assets and debts belong to the marriage entity and generally get distributed to each spouse when dissolving the marriage.

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