How to Take Charge of Your Emotions for Stronger Relationships

In your day-to-day interactions with those most important to you, how often do you find yourself letting your emotions get the best of you?

When this happens, you might feel stuck.  You might have said something or done something that hurt the relationship.  And you might be left feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and, in retrospect, perhaps a little ashamed.

This is when our emotions can drive us to act in ways that cut us off from connection and the intimacy that we all need and crave.

The first place to start is by recognizing and labeling the emotion – instead of identifying with it– and then putting some distance between you and the emotion.  For example, you might notice feeling sad or telling an old story of not being good enough.

It’s then that we can start to act in a way that brings us closer to others and in line with what is most important to us.  That’s where values come in and guide us.

According to renowned life coach, Tony Robbins, becoming aware of your values is the key to making wise choices in all aspects of your life.

According to Tony Robbins in his bestseller, Awaken the Giant Within, “anytime you have difficulty making an important decision, you can be sure that it’s the result of being unclear about your values.”

Here are 3 ways you can uncover your values:

1.        Identify what is most important to you.  Check out this list of values.

2.        Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

For example, when you’re caught in an emotional reaction with someone, you might be justified in your reaction, but is that reaction bringing you closer to who you want to be?

When my kids were younger, there were times I wanted to protect them and felt compelled to reach out to a teacher or another parent.  But after making my share of mistakes, I learned to first ask myself did I want to be that parent?

3.        Before you make a choice or act, ask yourself if you’re acting in line with your most important values and who you want to be.

There are small shifts we can make at any given moment.  When at home with your kids, for example, instead of immediately reaching for your phone, you might give them a hug.

This is the “value” of values – consistently making sure that what you do and how you act reflects what is most important to you.

And once we know our values, we can use them as a roadmap to guide even the smallest decisions to bring us closer to the people we care about most.

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The Art of Mastering Difficult Conversations

One of the most important life skills is knowing how to navigate difficult conversations. After all, the way we approach these conversations can make or break any relationship, whether professional or personal.

Difficult conversations might include:

• Approaching an employee or business partner not meeting expectations.
• Owing up to a mistake;
• Leaving a job; or
• Ending your marriage or relationship.

It’s often easier to avoid these conversations altogether.  But that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.  Nor does carrying around resentment.  I’ve learned to see that difficult conversations can be opportunities for personal growth and to deepen important relationships.

Finessing your way through difficult conversations mainly involves really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.  Below are 4 steps to mastering difficult conversations:

1.        Get right to the point.

First, get clear on the message you want to convey.  Make sure you know exactly what you want to talk about.  Match up the message you want to convey with how the other person is likely to hear it.

2.        Ask, don’t assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume we know why the other person is acting the way they are.  But for any difficult conversation to be successful, we need to understand where the other person is coming from.

Use tentative phrases like “it seems” or “maybe” to minimize coming off as confrontational.  For example, you might ask “What about this is important to you?”

3.        Listen effectively.

As humans, we all have a basic need to be heard and understood.  The most effective way you can listen and hear the other person is simply by being present – not just to the words being said, but the other person’s emotional experience.  You might notice emotions you hear behind the words – anger, fear, annoyance, for example.

4.        Respond with empathy.

When you’ve effectively listened to the other person, you can respond by relating to their emotions and paraphrase what you’re hearing.  For example, you might say, “it sounds like you felt betrayed.  I didn’t realize you saw things that way.”

This is likely to lead to greater trust and the other person is far more likely to listen and hear your version of things.  Share your own point of view clearly and ask for the other person’s input in a solution.

When we begin to navigate difficult conversations with an understanding and respect of another’s viewpoint, we can maintain and even strengthen our most important professional and personal relationships.

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Three Steps to Prevent Anger from Destroying Your Relationships and Your Health

Anger is a basic human emotion.  But anger can easily become toxic to our health and damaging to our relationships unless it is effectively managed and healthily communicated.  Most of us lack these critical skills.  But the good news is these are skills that can be learned.

Learning how to manage and communicate anger, can save your relationships– with your spouse, child, parent, or close friend.  And it can literally save your life.

When anger is not processed and expressed constructively, it can get internalized.  And when anger is kept in, it can turn into depression and lead to serious physical illnesses.  These include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

Anger that gets kept in simmers just below the surface and it doesn’t take much to blow up.  Likewise, anger can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior that includes belittling, nastiness, rudeness, or being overly critical of others.

None of this bodes well for our close relationships or physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being.  Below are 3 steps to prevent anger from jeopardizing your health and relationships:

1.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

2.        Stop and breathe.

The first thing to do is to calm your emotional reaction so you can see things rationally. Lashing back would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

But if your response is calm and intentional, you can literally change the course of the conversation into a productive exchange where you feel heard and understood and feel a greater sense of compassion.

So, first, notice when your anger slowly starts to build.  You feel your blood temperature start to rise.  What we do in that moment can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a full-on heated confrontation or argument.

You might imagine a big stop sign.  Then take one to three slow breaths.  Or count backward from 5 to 1, described as the 5 Second Rule.  Another very helpful trick to calm your emotions is this yoga breathing method.

3.        Rationalize.

Recognize that as humans, we are all just trying to do the best we can.   As the poet and author Maya Angelou once said, “when you know better, you do better.”   Accepting the truth of someone’s limitations can be very liberating.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to emotional triggers in the future.  And it can literally save your important relationships and your health.

For more tips on responding productively in the heat of an argument, check out this post.

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Four Types of Assets Commonly Overlooked in Divorce

Divorcing spouses typically obtain or exchange information about each other’s incomes, assets, and debts acquired during the marriage.  This process, called “discovery,” includes things like bank statements, credit card statements, and employment records.

Accurate values for assets like your home or business, however, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

While you might be familiar with certain financial assets in your spouse’s name, it’s likewise important to consider these 4 types of assets commonly overlooked in divorce:

1.     Stock Options & Restricted Stock

Corporations are increasingly granting stock options as compensation for past or future services.  Likewise, costly litigation can arise over whether stock options are marital assets, and if so, how they should be valued and divided.  It’s therefore important to know how these assets are valued and divided when negotiating your divorce agreement.

2.     Capital Loss Carryover

Generally, if the sale of an investment or capital asset like a piece of real estate resulted in a loss, it can be used to offset capital gains, or otherwise, to lower ordinary income tax liability.

Capital losses can be carried forward into subsequent years as needed until they are fully deducted.  For example, in a recent divorce case, I represented the wife whose husband had carried over losses claimed for commercial real estate on his separate income tax returns for several years.  Yet, in the divorce, the husband wanted the wife to share in tax liability when the properties were sold.  If the Wife had agreed, it would have cost her tens of thousands of dollars and, fortunately, we were able to resolve this issue out of court.

3.     Collections and Memorabilia

Personal property is an area where potentially valuable assets can easily be overlooked.  It’s important to consider these potentially valuable items to divide in the divorce:

• Jewelry
• Furs
• Collections of coins or stamps
• Guns or other weapons
• Recreational vehicles
• Artwork
• Antiques
• Sports memorabilia and trading cards
• Classic cars
• Fine wines

4.     Credit Card Reward Points

When dividing up assets in a divorce, it can be easy to overlook credit card rewards points.  Generally, credit card rewards earned during the marriage can be considered a marital asset, regardless of which spouse earned them.

The above assets are just some that can have significant value and easily get overlooked when dividing assets in divorce.

It’s therefore important to consult with an experienced family lawyer to make sure you don’t walk away from potentially large amounts of money in your divorce.

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Finesse Your Way Through Difficult Conversations with These Four Tips

It can happen to all of us at one time or another.  You find yourself in the middle of an argument with the other person yelling at you full throttle in an angry rant.

While this type of situation hopefully doesn’t happen often for you, when it does, we’re often ill-equipped to handle them.

But how you handle these exchanges can be critical to our relationships because they usually happen with people closest to us.  So, when you find yourself in the next difficult conversation with a loved one or close friend, be prepared with these 4 powerful tips:

1.        Remain calm.

When you already have one person overreacting, you don’t want to add proverbial fuel to the fire and make things worse.  For specific ways to keep calm during conflict, check out this post.

 2.        Ignore the drama.

Or better yet, visualize the other person as a child having a temper tantrum.  Believe it or not, this works to put you in a problem-solving frame of mind.

I had a client who was able to resolve conflicts with her ex by knowing when it was time to “put a lollypop in his mouth,” figuratively of course.  This allows you to dismiss the drama and get to the underlying problem.

3.        Ask questions.

Once they stop yelling, it’s generally best to start asking questions to get them thinking.  This engages the rational part of their brain.  What you want is to move an angry situation toward the possibility of negotiating.  You might ask “how can I help with that?”

It generally helps to steer clear of making statements or explaining why you’re right so they “understand.”  It doesn’t work and typically puts the other person on the defensive.

According to political expert Frank Luntz in Words That Work , “it’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.”

4.        Actively listen.

While listening, think about why they might be saying what they’re saying.  How do they see things?

Then you can respond precisely to how they’re feeling instead of what they’re actually saying.  For example, “that must be really scary.”

What I’ve learned is this.  The way we handle conflict in our relationships tends to define the strength of those relationships.

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How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce to Keep things Amicable

If you’ve come to the sad realization that your marriage is over and don’t know how to tell your spouse, this article is for you.

You might have put in a lot of hard work and energy to save the marriage, but things just haven’t gotten better.  You know you need to move on.  And you feel comfortable with your decision.

You know it’s time to tell your spouse you want a divorce.  But what should you say?  How do you say what might be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to say?

Generally speaking, how you tell your spouse will likely determine how the divorce process will unfold for you.  And if you have kids, the way you break the news to your spouse can help or hurt your co-parenting relationship.  These tips can help soften the blow to your spouse and keep the divorce amicable:

Timing is important.

If you have children, make arrangements for them to be out of the house.  Allow enough time for the conversation.  Eliminate distractions by turning off your cell phone.

Practice what to say and how to say it.

You might say “I think you’d agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way we’ll end up hating each other.”

If you have children, you might offer “Our kids deserve better. They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

Clearly convey to your spouse you are committed to remaining respectful and reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

Prepare yourself for a variety of responses from your spouse such as anger or attempts to manipulate you into changing your mind.   Avoid becoming reactive or defensive.

Do not try to convince your spouse that this is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.

If the conversation turns toward fault or legalities, dividing assets, or paying support, simply reiterate your commitment to remaining respectful of your spouse’s feelings and reaching an amicable outcome.  Then end the conversation by offering to give your spouse some space.  The time to address the legal issue will come later as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

Be firm yet sensitive.

You can remain firm while being compassionate.  Be compassionate and respectful. Understand your spouse might not want the divorce.  Avoid wavering which could give your spouse false hopes for saving the marriage.

How to tell your spouse you hired a lawyer.

It’s generally best to prepare yourself by consulting with a knowledgeable divorce and family lawyer about outcomes to expect and how to resolve the issues in the divorce out of court.

Before you tell your spouse you’ve hired a lawyer, gauge if the timing seems right and tell him or her in a way that makes it clear you’re not looking to fight.

For example, you might say something like “I know you wouldn’t want to have the kind of lawyers involved who cause more damage and cost us money that would be better put to use for our kids and our future.  That’s why I chose someone who focuses on reaching agreement through settlement with the goal of staying out of court.”

Approaching your spouse with compassion and sensitivity can go a long way to making your divorce amicable.

Important Note: The above is not intended to address situations where domestic violence exists or is likely to exist.

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How to Allow Grief into Your Life: A Personal Perspective

My dad passed away just recently.  He’d been suffering from Parkinson’s disease in recent years and when dementia kicked in, I made an effort to mentally prepare myself for the worse.

But it’s true what they say; no matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and grief you will experience.

It’s what I can only describe as initial shock, followed by cycles of being okay one moment, then sad and crying or angry in the next.

For instance, since my father’s death, I noticed that I can be going along okay and then all of a sudden, be hit with memories and emotion.

It seemed grief came in these waves, much like waves in the ocean, that you just have to ride out.  And then there would be a break.

But when you’re experiencing the kind of loss and grief associated with the death of a loved one – or with divorce or loss of a relationship, loss of financial stability, or loss of health, to name a few, I cannot stress enough the importance of self-advocating.  Which is not so easy, at least for me.

My go-to has always been to keep the inner turmoil of my emotional life to myself or share with only a very select few family members.

I didn’t want to “burden” anyone and, for years, I believed and told myself that I needed to “keep busy” or “go to work” to keep my mind off things.

But I’ve since learned that this only suppresses and prolongs the grief feelings that are just so necessary.

What I’ve also come to learn is that emotions need to be released or they get stored in the body.  And that can manifest as painful physical, emotional, or mental symptoms.

Knowing this has helped me overcome what I call the “burden syndrome.”  And that others do care and genuinely want to help.  So, it’s okay to tell your employer or colleagues, “my dad just died,” and I need some time.  And they will understand (if they don’t, that’s another issue).

It might be more difficult to share, for example, “I’m having a particularly tough time with my divorce,”  But nevertheless; grief is grief.

And even if it’s the last thing you want to do with that time, do this.  Acknowledge that the waves will come at you.  Ride them out.  And do it again.

And perhaps during a “break” in the waves, you can experience something you enjoy.  Or something that seems more “normal.”

It’s not pretty. it’s not fun.  But as I now know, it is necessary.  And it’s good for you in the long run, as the waves become farther apart and eventually dissipate.

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