Turn Your Key Relationships Around: Here’s What Tony Robbins Says

“If you want joy, happiness, freedom, and an extraordinary life, it will not come from blame. Never. There’s no pride that comes from blame.” – Tony Robbins.

The popular quote by Esther Perel,  psychotherapist, corporate organizational consultant and New York Times best-selling author holds “the quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

Tony Robbins agrees in this recent podcast with Lewis Howes.

So, what can we do if our current relationships are less than ideal?  According to Robbins, “the more you find unconditional love for others, the easier it is to unconditionally love yourself.”

Let’s say you’re angry or frustrated with a loved one who’s not treating you with respect and is constantly criticizing you.  How can you feel unconditional love for this person?

Shift your perspective.

As Robbins emphasizes “blame is not a strategy for a meaningful life; blame is not a strategy for greatness.”  He challenges you to “get out of your ego and shift from not getting to giving.”

In other words, find a new perspective from which to view your loved one.  Let’s say it’s your overly critical spouse or mother-in-law.  Here’s what Robbins suggests:

Stay in a loving place, think of all that she cares and feels for, all that she’s feeling, all that she feels frustrated about in life, all that she’s going through that made her this way.  And then feel ‘I don’t have to go through this – I can love them.’

After all, according to Robbins, “relationships are grown by giving not by demanding; not by judging.” When we judge and criticize others – as we all do, me included – as Tony Robbins puts it “you’re essentially saying that everyone else is wrong or immoral unless they do what you do, think what you think.”

But as Robbins emphasizes, “you’re more than someone else’s influence” by their words or even by their actions.

Watch your language.

As Tony Robbins points out “not everyone is going to be fair and just (and if we’re being honest, we’re not always fair and just either) You can’t control what people do.  Control is an illusion.”

Notice the language you’re using, he suggests.  For example, you might complain how “toxic” this person is.  But that’s keeping you in that perspective of the person.

So, according to Robbins, “if being around someone doesn’t serve you, acknowledge that and move on; people are toxic because you give them energy.”

He also points out that the words you use, “like saying you’re depressed, actually create a bio-chemical response in the body.”

Ultimately, according to Tony Robbins, “when it comes to living an extraordinary life, the common thread is generosity; life is not about making ourselves happy.”

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Four Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Stay Calm During Conflict

It’s inevitable that a conversation will suddenly turn heated.  In that heated moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need the most to think rationally and intentionally.  Yet how we choose to respond in any given moment can make or break a relationship.

Before you say something you might later regret, first remember that we can calm our immediate emotional response in an instant.

Here are 4 simple (not necessarily easy) yet powerful ways to stay calm during conflict:

1.        Pause and notice.

During the conversation, notice what you’re feeling when things start to get heated.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Breathe and Count.

This is the time to take that beat to breathe.  You might breathe in and count slowly to 4, then breathe out as you count slowly to 6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our strength for the next time.

3.        What do you really want?

Get clear on what you really want by asking yourself “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  According to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,  “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”

Basically, it’s about taking the attention off of our egos and on what we really want for this relationship.  To find out more, check out this post.

4.        It Takes Practice

What I’ve realized is this:  like building muscle by regular workouts, it takes regular practice to strengthen the ability to control our emotions.

Taking even just 10 minutes during the day for meditation can be extremely effective in gaining control over your thoughts and emotions.  This article can help you find what might work best for you.  You might also try this app by Sam Harris. It offers a 28-day meditation course with complementary content with additional meditations.

The key is to practice regularly until it becomes a habit and available when you need it right away.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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Save Big on Divorce Lawyer Fees with These Five Steps

The vast majority of divorce cases are settled out of court by mutual agreement.  Therefore, once you decide to divorce, the goal should be for you and your spouse to sign a divorce agreement, typically called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Marital Settlement Agreement generally includes provisions for child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Below is a general list of 5 steps for settling your divorce out of court that can save you big on divorce lawyer fees.

1.        Agree about the Kids.

Draft up a written custody and parenting time agreement for your children.

2.        Inventory the Marital Assets and Debts

Make a joint list or spreadsheet of all marital assets and debts in both names or individual names.  For assets, include real property, bank accounts, investment accounts,  and all pension or retirement accounts (IRAs, 401ks,  pension and/or profit-sharing plans, annuities).

For any accounts in one spouse’s name, exchange account statements for the last three years to identify additional sources of income and any large withdrawals.  Also include personal property, such as furniture, art, and jewelry.

If there are any businesses, or premarital, partially premarital, inherited, or other more complex assets, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer about how such assets are treated under New Jersey law and to protect your interests.

For the marital debts, obtain current credit reports listing the outstanding debts in each of your names.

3.        Gather Insurance Policies

Make a joint list of all health insurance policies, health savings accounts, life insurance policies, and safe deposit box contents.

4.        Calculate the Marital Income.

Identify all sources and amounts of total income for each of you.  For any employment compensation involving bonuses, commissions, stock options, or other incentive compensation, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer as to how these are valued and divided under New Jersey law.

5.        Calculate Expenses.

On the income spreadsheet, list the total amount of all current expenses for the household.  Include expenses for the children and college costs, if being paid.

Identify what you would each like your post-divorce financial life to look like.  Does one of you want to keep the marital home?  Do you want to sell the home and/or other real property and each purchase separate residences?  How much do you want to have saved in retirement?   Use your goals to list anticipated post-divorce expenses, including future college costs, if any.

Getting started with these 5 steps can go a long way to saving you on legal fees while putting you in the driver’s seat of your post-divorce future.

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Five Bestselling Tips to Communicate Your Way to Successful Interpersonal Relationships

The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

-Esther Parel

In each moment, we can choose the quality of relationships we have we others.  And a critical component of successful relationships is our ability to communicate effectively.

Interpersonal skills are not typically taught in school.  This is unfortunate because these skills are crucial for creating and maintaining meaningful personal relationships both at work and at home.

Developing strong interpersonal communication skills, specifically, can lead to strong and healthy relationships in any environment.  Interpersonal communication is essentially the exchange of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and information with others.  Exchange can be verbal or non-verbal, such as with facial expressions or body language.  The key to successful interpersonal communications is to have an intended message conveyed and received as intended.

In The Achievement Habit, author Bernard Roth shares invaluable insights of design thinking to help people achieve goals never thought possible.

In the book, Roth lists his top suggestions for good interpersonal communications, which I find extremely valuable in any daily interactions with others.  Here are 5 of his tips:

1.        Speak from your own experience rather than absolutes.  For instance, saying “It seems to me or “It sounds like” instead of “Everyone knows…”

2.        Refrain from unsolicited advice.  People want to know that you heard them.  They don’t necessarily want your advice or to know about similar experiences you’ve had.

3.        Listen fully without interrupting.  It can be tempting to jump in before the other person is fully finished speaking – especially if you think you know what they’re going to say, or you’re excited about your own experience.

4.        Before telling a story, get clear on the point you want to make.  Make sure you understand what is being communicated to you. It’s easy to misinterpret a message based on our own beliefs and experiences.

5.        Limit the use of “why” questions. They tend to elicit a defensive reaction.

Even small changes to your interpersonal communications, incrementally, over time, can lead to more success and satisfaction in your business and personal relationships.

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The One Thing Most Divorcing Parents Don’t Know: The Path to an Amicable Divorce

If you are considering divorce, it’s common to want to avoid or postpone divorce to protect your kids.

As a family lawyer for over 20 years, I often hear parents voice intense concern that their kids would have a hard time adjusting to a divorce.  And many parents do choose to stay married in an effort to spare their kids that kind of pain.

What is most often overlooked – and not commonly known – is that it is the conflict between parents in the home that leaves an impact, not the divorce itself.  The actual divorce just the legal dissolution of a marriage, a piece of paper, really.

What is most emotionally destructive to children is the conflict that exists in the home.  It doesn’t matter if you shout at each other or not.  It’s the way you, as parents, might be interacting within the home that can be the most emotionally damaging to kids.

Unfortunately, I know this all too well.  I was 13 when my parents actually divorced.  But I can tell you that was the relief.

The real difficulties were during the years that preceded the actual divorce.  There was the ever-present fear and anxiety of not knowing what would happen at any given moment.

Whether my parents yelled at each other or treated each other with disrespect or indifference, the result was mounting fear and anxiety accompanied by constant headaches and stomach aches.

And having a front-row seat to an unhealthy marital relationship as a child does not bode well for that child’s ability to engage in healthy romantic relationships later in life.

Therefore, if you’ve decided to divorce, it can be valuable to look to the kind of future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  You can start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.

It’s also important to know that it is generally best for kids to spend time with each of you on a regular basis.  So, to this end, you might work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement that benefits the kids.

It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

Because when you both commit to an amicable divorce and your actions reflect that commitment, you are modeling resiliency in the face of change for your kids.

You might consider putting aside differences to sit together at your child’s next concert or other important activity.  Because when your children see you together united in their support, it goes a long way, and your children will be forever grateful.

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Top Four Negotiating Tips from a Mediator

If you’re looking to up your negotiating game or you want to know how to use mediation to your advantage, this post is for you.  As a lawyer and mediator, I’ve encountered a number of negotiating strategies more likely to lead to successful outcomes and came across my top four.

Mediation is an alternative to going to court to resolve disputes.  The mediator will help the parties reach a negotiated settlement.  The goal of mediation is not to win an argument; it is to achieve a favorable settlement.

Parties who engage in mediation give up their day in court to control their own outcomes in a way that works best for them.  Here are my top 4 negotiating tips to use with or without mediation.

1.        Prepare.

Before mediation – or any negotiation – it’s important to first get clear on what you really need.  Avoid getting locked into a “position,” which typically limits your options when negotiating.

Then identify what you need to know about the other party.  You might make a list of open-ended questions to uncover what the other party needs.

2.        Get the facts.

This is where you can find out the answers to those open-ended questions.  But it’s essential to first build trust with the other party.  Trust is essential before people will open up and reveal their true interests.

The importance of listening to the other party cannot be overstated.  In any negotiation – with or without a mediator – not listening or progressing too quickly to a solution is a big barrier to creating trust.

Generally, before people are willing to settle, they must feel that their interests are truly understood.  You might ask the other party for their suggestions for moving forward to an agreement.

3.        Manage emotions.

In any negotiation or mediation, managing emotions is key to a successful outcome.  While it’s common for negotiations to become frustrating, allowing your emotions to control your decisions can lead to an unfavorable outcome.

4.        Tackle the smaller issues first.

It’s generally best to start the negotiation or mediation with smaller less contentious issues.  Reaching agreement first on those smaller issues first is more likely to create momentum and motivation to resolve the larger issues.

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Try This Powerful Tip to Resolve Conflicts at Work and at Home

We generally find conflict whenever there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.  Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether with a romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker.

As common as conflicts are, it’s just as common to want to avoid them.  After all, conflicts can often be fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, and discomfort.  Yet ironically, the way we handle conflict is what defines the quality of our relationships.  You might therefore look at conflict as an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your personal and professional relationships.

What I’ve learned is that for relationships to be truly successful, it is important to be able to humbly let go of the need to always be right.  If we always need to be right, we make the other person wrong.  And that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.

If you stay focused on making a case for how wrong the other person is, you’re discounting their feelings, which only makes things worse.  You might remember that there’s not always a “right” or “wrong” way of seeing things.  Both perspectives can be valid because they are each shaped by our own personal experiences and beliefs.  It’s also important to keep in mind that we all come from a unique perspective.

You might try being open to listening to the other person, just as you want them to listen to you.  Listening takes patience.  It’s being able to put aside our immediate emotional reactions and quieting the impulse to speak up and interrupt and fully take another perspective in.  This can go a long way to seeing things from the other person’s perspective, which in turn helps them see things from yours as well.

When relationship conflict inevitably arises, you might make it your intention for mutual understanding and resolution that respects everyone’s needs.  This approach can invariably lead to creative solutions you might not have otherwise considered.

Ignoring conflicts can lead to lasting resentment that can build up over time.  Ultimately, it can lead to the end of a relationship.  Instead, the more we expose ourselves to conflict, the more adept we can become at fostering strong relationships, both in business and at home.

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