Blurred Lines Between Work and Home is Hurting Our Health and Family Relationships

It seems it wasn’t that long ago that we came home from work, changed clothes, and had dinner as a family.  Our workday was done.  We knew that nothing would be expected of us until the next day.   Going back to, let’s say, the 1990s, there wasn’t an easy way for anyone to even reach us after work hours.

And so we actually talked to each other.  We had conversations.  Nowadays, this all sounds so unrealistic.

While the expectation to monitor work emails 24/7 has been increasing steadily, the pandemic shift to remote work has seemingly brought about a cataclysmic change in our work culture where we are now expected to be available 24/7.

A December 2020 study found that nearly 70 percent of professionals who transitioned to remote work now work on the weekends, and 45 percent say they regularly work more hours during the week than they did before.

For me, more and more work emails continue to fly in and out of my inbox 24/7, though now they are coming from the Court.

I’ve been practicing law for almost 30 years.  And up until the pandemic, court hours have been from 8:30 am to 4:30 p.m.  But when judges and court staff began working remotely, court emails started creeping into 5 pm and beyond.  This has only escalated even though judges and court staff are for the most part, back in the courthouses.

After having gotten sucked into the “always-on” mindset, I’ve made a concerted effort to “turn off” after work hours.

But just recently, in one of my divorce cases, emails between the court and the opposing attorney exchanged at 7:30 at night and 7:00 am the next morning resulted in the canceling of a court appearance that was necessary for my client to spend time with his kids.  Had I not emailed the court immediately during business hours, the father and kids would not have gotten to see each other.

This is just one example of how being available 24/7 has come to be the rule rather than the exception.

But the flip side is that while responding to late-night and weekend work emails might win us points professionally, it will cost us points at home.

Overall, blurring the lines between work and home is hurting our health and our family relationships.

I am guilty of this myself.  I cringe when I recall family vacations when my kids were young and I was off on a bench in an amusement park frantically scrolling through emails and returning non-urgent phone calls.  The part that really stings is that my kids remember it.

Feeling the need to check emails and be on 24/7 has absolutely affected my relationship with my family.  I’ve tried justifying it, but we all know better.  When we reach for our phones during dinner, on weekends, and in front of our spouses and kids, it can make them feel unimportant and as if they don’t matter to us.

So, it’s no surprise the need to keep checking our email folder for work issues is hurting our health and our relationships.  And it has become important for me to draw lines of separation between work and home, no matter how difficult it can be because I know it will be worth it.

If we re-prioritize family relationships, we can take back control by setting clear boundaries, communicating them effectively, and sticking to them.  For example, we can choose not to even check emails (yikes!) and set autoresponders after a certain time of day, during our kids’ games or events, or anytime with family.  Whatever you hold sacred in your life.

Because when we reply to emails within minutes of receipt, no matter the time or day of the week, we train everyone to see that we’re always on-call and immediately reachable.

The key is sticking to these boundaries.  I have found it incredibly tough to break the “always on call” habit.  But when I falter, I know I can simply begin again.

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Navigate Disagreements to Strengthen Your Personal and Professional Relationships

Disagreements arise as a natural consequence of differences in perceptions that we have with others.  Whether it’s a  romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker, we each have different life and emotional experiences that form our perceptions of people and events now.

Basically, we have what this article calls naive realism – believing that the way we see the world is the way that it really is; naive realism is the feeling that our perception of the world reflects the truth.  In other words, we see what we want to see, especially when what we’re seeing is unclear.  Our brains seek out the need for certainty by filling in gaps in information to meet our prior experiences and emotions.

Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to one another.  When you and someone else disagree, it is about the “something”, not about each other.

Conflicts, on the other hand, arise when disagreements have escalated to where one or both of you are now making assumptions about the other that are accompanied by strong negative emotions.

Conflict tends to involve yelling, accusing, interrupting, or even avoiding, which only makes things worse and can potentially damage the relationship.  The good news is that even where disagreements escalate to outright conflicts, we can take a step back.

It can be downright uncomfortable to tell someone that you see things differently, especially with a willingness to listen to their perspective and acknowledge that our “truth” may not be accurate.  This does not mean that we have to sell out or compromise our own basic principles.

I know all too well how incredibly difficult it can be to willingly admit when we’re wrong.  But I’ve also learned that if I always need to be right, that makes the other person wrong.  This only discounts their perspectives and feelings, which doesn’t bode well for any relationship.

When we can instead cultivate a habit of seeking out perspectives that differ from our own with a curiosity about our own blind spots, we can create deeper and more satisfying relationships, both personally and professionally.

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Five Common Expectations that Create Relationship Conflict

Inevitably, we experience conflict in our personal and professional relationships.  But what really causes conflict?  Knowing why conflicts happen in the first place can give us a major leg up in heading them off in our important relationships.

For the most part, conflicts arise when our expectations of others go unmet.  Below are 5  expectations to let go of so we can experience greater peace and enjoyment in our relationships:

1.        Expecting Others to act the way we want.

Let’s face it, it would be much easier if people acted the way we think they should – or if they just acted reasonably, rationally, or logically, as we see it.  But our viewpoints, perceptions, experiences, and the things we feel are important are just not the same as those of others.

Just as we are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, others are not here to live up to ours.  Instead, we can choose to explore or deepen the relationship by putting ourselves in their shoes.  How might they see things?

The upside to letting go of expectations?  When we allow others to be the way they are, it frees us up to take responsibility for our own happiness.

2.        Expecting them to change.

People for the most part don’t just change simply because we want them to.  It comes back to taking responsibility for what we want to see.  So, if you want the other person to change, model the behavior you want to see first.  Listen to be listened to, respect to be respected, or show affection to receive affection.

3.        Expecting them to like you.

Not everyone will like you.  Others may not respect you.   Instead, cultivate relationships and spend time with those who value you.

4.        Expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.

We need to first respect ourselves before expecting others to respect us.  It’s about setting the bar for the behavior we will and won’t accept from others.

5.        Expecting them to know what you’re thinking.

No matter how close we are with someone, they can’t read our minds.  We need to speak up and tell them what we need and want and where we’re coming from.  And just as important is to match these up with what the other person needs.

For example, with a significant other or close friend, you might expect respect or honesty.  If you learn they haven’t been honest, you might remind them how important honesty is to you and that, perhaps, when they weren’t honest, it made you feel that you couldn’t trust them.

When we can let go of these 5 expectations, we allow ourselves to take responsibility for experiencing more peace and enjoyment in our personal and professional relationships.

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Divorce and Co-parenting: is 50/50 Parenting Time the Way to Go?

Parenting roles have come a long way.  And for separated and divorced parents, New Jersey law has come to reflect these changing roles.

Back when my parents were divorced in the late 1970s, it was typically the mom’s role as a homemaker to care for the kids and the dad’s role to go off to work.  These roles were generally reflected in the custody and parenting time arrangements commonplace back then where the father typically had what was then called “visitation” every other weekend and perhaps a weeknight “dinner” with the kids.

Over the past several decades, however, there’s been a growing trend towards more active involvement of both parents in the care and daily activities of their children, particularly with more two-income families.  Father’s roles, specifically, have changed dramatically, and even more so during the pandemic as work from home became commonplace.

As work schedules have become more flexible, many clients are fathers who get the kids onto the bus or off to school in the mornings, prepare meals, take the kids to their activities while and stopping off at the grocery store; they know who their children’s friends are and what the kids are working on in school; they take the kids on weekend day trips and take part in routine bedtimes for their younger children.

And this shift has shown up in the law.  New Jersey law declares as public policy “to assure minor children of frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage and that it is in the public interest to encourage parents to share the rights and responsibilities of child-rearing in order to effect this policy.”

And the research consistently shows that children benefit when both parents are a part of their lives.  Similarly, the law directs the court that whenever the custody of a minor child is at issue, “the rights of both parents shall be equal.”

All this has led to more custody and parenting time arrangements that take a shared parenting approach (which may or may not mean “equal” or 50/50 parenting time for each parent).  50/50 parenting time can work if the parents live in reasonably close proximity to each other and their work schedules allow for it.  For specific types of 50/50 parenting time schedules, check out this post.

But for many families, 50/50 parenting time may not be practical or even best for the child, for instance, where the parents live more than an hour apart.  In such cases, parents would not be able to get a young child back and forth to school without the child being forced to forego sleep to spend a significantly long distance in the car.

It’s important to carefully consider your child’s needs and each parent’s work and other responsibilities to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangement for your children.

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Three Powerful Actions to Embrace Difficult Life Changes

Everything in our lives is constantly changing.  At the same time, knowing that our circumstances, thoughts, emotions, even our bodies, are only temporary, can help us avoid becoming too attached to a particular outcome.

But change can be hard to accept.  There are certain life changes that can bring about feelings of grief and loss – like losing a job, a loved one, experiencing a divorce, or even our changing role as parents as children move out of the home.

“Change is the only constant in life.” – Heraclitus

Below are 3 powerful actions to embrace difficult life changes:

1.        Feel it.

If, for example, a loved one has passed away, allow yourself to grieve.  If it’s a job that you’ve lost, let yourself feel whatever comes up, whether it’s anger, disappointment, fear, or something else.

It can be extremely helpful to simply observe your emotions and the physical sensations as they arise and pass, like waves in the ocean, without becoming attached to the thoughts that can keep us trapped in the emotions.

Emotions are just temporary.  As difficult – if not impossible – as it can seem in the moments of grief and loss, it can help to remember “this too shall pass.”

2.        Question and reframe.

You might ask yourself “what thoughts am I thinking?”  Or “what is it that I believe will happen now?”  It can help to ask whether these thoughts and beliefs are definitively true.

3.        Let go and allow.

The more we try to resist change, the more miserable we become.  It’s like trying to swim upstream or struggling against a wave in the ocean that’s about to come crashing down.

There is a Buddhist parable that says in life we cannot always control the first arrow; however, the second arrow is our response to the first.  And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” -John C. Maxwell

When we can accept the change and allow it to exist, it’s like easily flowing with a downstream current or riding that ocean wave to shore.

While letting go and allowing the change to exist is a simple idea, it can be difficult to do.  It can help to remember that when we allow, we can create opportunities and possibilities for our lives and the lives of those we love.

You might, for example, start a new project, plan for the future, plan a vacation, or engage socially with others more often.

And each time you let go and allow the change to be, it becomes more automatic as you build resiliency.

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Three Simple Ways to be More Persuasive

Inevitably – in business or in life – you will need to be able to convince someone to do something.  Here are 3 simple ways to be more persuasive:

1.        Be confident.

You might have heard the saying “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”  People tend to be persuaded by someone who is confident – even if you can appear confident.   Stand strong behind your opinion with enthusiasm.  Look them straight in the eye and be bold.

2.        Know who you’re talking to.

Put yourself in their shoes.  How do they prefer to process information?  Are they someone who prefers facts and figures?  Give them the no-nonsense basics and keep it simple.  Do they prefer to see the big picture?  Paint it for them.

3.        Make them feel good.

Flattery really can get you anywhere.  According to a scientific study, compliments give us warm and fuzzy feelings that can predispose someone to do something nice for you. For example, you might ask for time off by pointing out how flexible your boss usually is.

The art of persuasion is not about manipulation or coercion.  It’s about getting people to do things that are in their own best interest that also benefit you.  And it’s a skill you can hone and improve over time.

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How a Financial Advisor Can Help Settle Your Divorce and Save You Time and Money

If you are considering divorce or negotiating the terms of your divorce agreement, a financial advisor can be a valuable resource for you.  I have found that clients who work with their financial advisors throughout divorce negotiations are better informed as to their options and tend to obtain more favorable settlement outcomes.

I also recently met to catch up with Nick Penna, Senior Vice President and wealth advisor at IronRidge Wealth Management Group affiliated with Raymond James Financial Services in Basking Ridge, New Jersey.  Nick’s firm offers its clients a number of valuable tips when they are going through a divorce, which I summarize here.

First, it’s important to take stock of all assets, debts, income, and expenses for both you and your spouse.  Likewise, you should assemble important documents including bank statements, tax returns, and documents related to marital debt, assets, and property valuations.  You might also consult your financial advisor to help you sort out the future value of pensions and retirement assets.

In addition to helping you plan your post-divorce financial future, your financial advisor can be instrumental during divorce negotiations.  It is important that you consider the long-term impact of any decisions made in divorce negotiations.

For example, your financial advisor can help you decide whether it would be best to keep the home or to sell it, or how you might structure an alimony buyout by accessing and leveraging specific financial resources and considering appropriate tax consequences.

A financial advisor can help you determine which assets are most valuable to you based on your short- and long-term goals and help you avoid settling for less than you deserve. All of this advice can be invaluable to you and your attorney in structuring a settlement that works for both you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

Additional financial tips from Nick and his firm when going through a divorce:

Create cash flow. Liquidity can be essential as you think about hiring a lawyer, moving out, etc. Make sure you’ll have enough cash to cover these and other expenses throughout the process.

Get the bills sorted. Come to an agreement about who will pay the mortgage and other ongoing bills until proceedings are final. Stay current on all bills to keep from damaging your credit.

Develop a budget. It’s important to work out whether you can support yourself and your family when you’re on your own.  List your current income and expenses, then work with your advisor to develop a spending plan until the divorce is final and get an estimate of what your post-divorce income and expenses will look like.

If you have children, think about who will pay for large upcoming expenses – things such as buying your teen a vehicle or college tuition – to avoid going back to court for these decisions.

Be vigilant about your credit. It’s important to keep tabs on your credit score and obtain a current copy of your credit report to identify all debts in your name and for which you are jointly liable with your spouse.

Minimize your tax liabilities.  Working with your financial advisor and tax professional can help you minimize your tax liabilities, as both spouses could be accountable.  Depending on when the divorce is final, you may need to decide whether to file jointly or not.

Hire a divorce attorney you trust.  Get references from family, friends, and colleagues, then listen to your gut and go with a professional who provides level-headed advice with the goal to achieve a fair settlement.

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