How to Control Anxiety for Greater Personal Connection with Others

Our relationships and connections with others tend to suffer when we’re feeling anxious.  Yet ironically, it’s our relationships and connections that play a key role in our overall well-being.

Unfortunately, when anxiety escalates, we’re unable to think straight and react in the heat of the moment.  Which does not bode well for maintaining close and meaningful relationships with others.

But the good news is we can control our emotions and reactions and keep our relationships strong.

So, how can we get control of anxiety in any given moment and interact with others authentically rather than from an anxious state?

Whenever we feel attacked, personally insulted, threatened, or fearful, our sympathetic nervous system takes over and we experience what’s known as a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction.  Simply put, the reasoning part of our brains shuts down and we’re unable to respond rationally in the heat of the moment.

On the other hand, our parasympathetic nervous system, informally referred to as the rest and digest system, inhibits the body from overworking and restores the body to a calm and composed state.

Ideally, both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems would be in balance.  When, however, we experience chronic stress, not uncommon particularly during this global pandemic, the body spends too much time in “fight or flight” mode, and very little in “rest and digest.”

To gain control of anxiety for calmer, more fulfilling connection in your relationships, start by spending more time in “rest and digest” mode.  The more we practice activating our rest and digest parasympathetic nervous system, the more we’ll have it when we need it most.  Here are 5 things to practice routinely:

1.       Deep breathing.  You might try these out (I’ve found Alternate Nostril Breathing particularly effective);
2.       Meditation;
3.       Regular exercise or yoga;
4.       Screen time breaks.  To learn more, check out this article.
5.       Gently running your finger over your lips (haven’t tried this one yet…)

You can bet I’ll be doing one or more of these daily – these are stressful times – and I invite you to join me!

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Three Tips for Navigating the Holidays for Separated or Divorced Parents

Divorce can be one of life’s most difficult transitions.  If you’re a parent and are recently separated or divorced, here are 3 tips for sharing the kids with your spouse during the holidays.

1.        Have your lawyer draft up a custody and parenting time agreement.

These agreements typically include holidays, school breaks, and vacations.  Or, you might have an informal agreement with the other parent.  Either way, it’s generally best to avoid leaving holiday plans up to the kids.  It’s not uncommon for kids to feel guilty about leaving one parent alone.  And kids generally benefit from an established routine, particularly during the holidays.

2.        Keep holiday traditions in place.

If one side of the family traditionally hosts Christmas day, it’s generally a good idea to continue that tradition to maintain consistency and routine for the kids.

3.        Consider new holiday traditions.

Encouraging your kids to put their talents and interests to work for a good cause can help ease the transition for them – and you.

If your child enjoys cooking or baking, you might consider making meals to donate to a local soup kitchen or senior center.   Or baking cookies and wrapping them up to deliver to neighbors.  The key is to use your imagination to create festive new traditions that can be shared with your children for years to come.

When it comes to divorce and navigating the holidays with kids, consistency, and stability is important, as is remaining open and flexible.

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How to Free Yourself to Focus on What Matters Most

Over the course of the past crazy months of the global pandemic, I found myself resisting – and resenting – what was.

And in my resentful state, I noticed how easy it was to become irritated with others – and just about anything.

Just recently, I suddenly had an epiphany.  What if I just simply allowed things to be as they are right now?

Allowing gave me a certain freedom.  I suddenly felt lighter, like a burden had been lifted.

And when I stopped using up all kinds of energy resisting and resenting, I noticed I had the freedom to decide what my life circumstances would look like.

To decide my next move, I started to look to my values – the things that really matter to me.

According to renowned life coach Tony Robbins, becoming aware of your values is the key to making wise choices in all aspects of your life, from picking a partner to buying a house.

One of my core values, for instance, is respect, which includes respecting other’s right to have opinions and beliefs that differ from mine.

So, whenever I notice myself judging, I can start with allowing what is.  And then remember wait…it’s important that I respect the right to that opinion or belief.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins

I also value personal connection.  After all, it is our close relationships that keep us grounded and secure that we are part of a larger community – at home, at work, and in the world.  I noticed that I tended to feel unfulfilled without deep and authentic relationships in my day-to-day life.

So, when I get find myself getting angry or annoyed, I know that reacting emotionally in the moment will only make things worse and create distance in the relationship.

Instead, I find it helps to pause, acknowledge, and really feel the emotion (even if it means taking a short break).  I find this instantly helps to see things from the other person’s view, which brings us closer.

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.” -Esther Perel

Below are 3 ways to uncover your values:

1.   Be specific in defining your most important values.  Some examples include family, integrity, honoring your commitments, respect, compassion, making a difference, excellence, and honesty.

2.   Ask yourself who you want to be.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

3.   Before you make a choice or act, ask yourself if you’re acting in line with your most important values and who you want to be.

This is the “value” of values – consistently making sure that what you do and how you act reflects what is most important to you.

And once we know your values, we really can use them as a roadmap to guide the decisions we make each day.

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Create Better Relationships by Doing These Three Things Every Day

You know that feeling when you “click” with someone?  It feels like a spark of energy that lifts you up.  And that energy builds on itself making for a real connection between you and the other person.

The good news is we can maintain positive connections and create better relationships with loved ones and those around us by doing these 3 things every day.

1.        Learn before you judge.

It’s super easy to judge others.  And let’s face it – it distracts us from focusing on our own life circumstances.

But there is always something to learn from someone who has different experiences and perspectives. So, when you feel yourself start to judge or criticize, choose to learn one new thing from the other person.

2.        Prioritize the relationship over being right.

In our relationships, it’s common to take the other’s actions, behavior, or words personally.  But the truth is that things other people say and do rarely if ever, have anything to do with you.  It’s a reflection of their own experiences, perspectives, and beliefs.

Once we recognize this truth, it can be much easier to let go of needing to be right.  And instead, choose to make the relationship more important.   You can then be free to choose actions that make the relationship stronger.

3.        Tee up your mindset.

No doubt about it.  When you interact with others from a positive mindset, the possibilities are endless.  The idea is to get yourself into what Tony Robbins calls a “peak state.”  You might also take a cue from these powerful routines that several successful entrepreneurs swear by to up their game each day.

Ultimately, and according to Robbins, the ability to control your emotions is essential to improving your relationships.  When you’re in charge of your mindset, you can listen with understanding and what the other person needs.

And when we communicate with a real understanding of another’s viewpoint, with genuine curiosity, respect, and compassion, our personal relationships will become stronger and more rewarding.

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Four Tips for Keeping the Family Peace this Holiday Season During the Pandemic

The holiday season can be stressful under normal circumstances.  But this year, the pandemic brings additional challenges.  How will we spend time with family members and other loved ones this holiday season?

Arguments can easily erupt when family members have very different opinions about how to keep themselves and loved ones safe from the virus.

For example, perhaps you traditionally host the holidays, but your brother tells you he prefers to stay put this year with his wife and kids.  He doesn’t want to risk potentially spreading the virus to other family members, especially your elderly parents.  Your parents, meanwhile, are offended.  They feel your brother is needlessly avoiding the family and they’re disappointed they won’t get to see their grandchildren for the holidays.  For dicey situations like this and others, here are 4 tips to help keep the family peace this holiday season:

1.        What’s the plan?

First, as the traditional holiday host, decide with your spouse and/or any immediate family members what you feel comfortable doing this year.  For example, would you prefer to host a virtual holiday celebration?  If so, decide whether or not to deliver the meal to all family members beforehand.

2.        Reach out.

Once you decide how to host – or not to host at all – reach out to extended family members to let them know your decision and ask for their input.  For example, you might send a group text and schedule a time for a group phone or video call.

3.        Listen to understand.

Everyone needs and wants to feel heard and appreciated.  But not everyone knows how to express themselves in positive ways.

If a family member makes a snide remark, for example, recognize that lashing back defensively is like pouring gasoline on a fire.  Instead, really listen to how they feel and where they’re coming from.  Then you can explain back what you hear or simply acknowledge with “this sounds really important to you.”

Essentially, it’s best to stay focused on respecting the choices of other family members who bow out of family gatherings this year.

Taking the time to truly understand where others are coming from can make everyone less defensive.  And when you articulate your concerns, especially for any family members at high risk, others will be more open to understanding your perspective.  The goal is to work together to make plans that are acceptable to everyone.

4.        Stay flexible.

After speaking with extended family members, you might ultimately come up with additional or alternative ways to celebrate the holidays this year.  These might include outdoor activities or virtual traditions like watching holiday movies or shopping online together.

Overall, remember like anything, this too shall pass.  And in the moment, we can take this opportunity to find creative and new ways to maintain and strengthen our connections with loved ones.

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These Types of Marital Assets are Often Overlooked in Divorce

Divorcing spouses typically obtain or exchange information about each other’s incomes, assets, and debts acquired during the marriage.  This process, called “discovery,” typically includes exchanging documents that include bank and other account statements, credit card statements, and employment records.  Accurate values for assets like a home, business, or retirement plan, however, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

While you might be familiar with certain financial assets in your spouse’s name, it’s likewise important to consider these “assets,” which are often overlooked in divorce:

Stock Options & Restricted Stock

Corporations are increasingly granting stock options as compensation for past or future services.  Likewise, costly litigation can arise over whether stock options are marital assets, and if so, how they should be valued and divided.

Capital Loss Carryover

Generally, if the sale of an investment or capital asset like a piece of real estate resulted in a loss, it can be used to offset capital gains, or otherwise, to lower ordinary income tax liability. Capital losses can be carried forward into subsequent years as needed until they are fully deducted.

For example, in a recent divorce case, I represented a wife whose husband carried over losses claimed for commercial real estate on his separate income tax returns for several years.  Yet, in the divorce, the husband insisted the wife should share in tax liability when the property was sold.  If the Wife had agreed, it would have cost her tens of thousands of dollars.  Fortunately, we were able to resolve the issue out of court.

Collections and Memorabilia

Personal property is an area where valuable assets can be easily overlooked.  It’s important to consider these potentially valuable items to divide in the divorce:

• Jewelry
• Furs
• Collections of coins or stamps
• Guns or other weapons
• Recreational vehicles
• Artwork
• Antiques
• Sports memorabilia and trading cards
• Classic cars
• Fine wines

Credit Card Reward Points

When dividing up assets in a divorce, it can also be easy to overlook credit card rewards points.  Generally, credit card rewards earned during the marriage are likely considered a marital asset, regardless of which spouse earned them.

The above assets are just some that can have significant value and easily get overlooked.   It’s therefore important to consult with an experienced family lawyer to make sure you don’t walk away from potentially large amounts of money in your divorce.

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This Life Lesson Transformed My Career

I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer.  I just didn’t hadn’t really known why – I simply believed that being a lawyer would give me the financial security I didn’t have as a kid growing up.

It turned out that law school was a natural fit with my love of reading, learning, writing, and analytical way of thinking.

But after law school, I was not prepared for the stress of working as an associate in a multinational law firm.  Deadlines, billing pressures, corporate client demands, and long hours were the norm for the larger New York City law firms in the 1990s.

As were the mandatory 1,800 to 2,000+ billable hours a year, which presumes you’re billing eight hours a day every day, not including holidays and weekends.

So, I buckled down to 12-hour workdays, often working late into the night.  At times, I made up hours on weekends and holidays.  By the same token, associates were expected to be available 24/7 to meet deadlines often set by large corporate clients.

Anxiety became a way of life.  I suffered from chronic stomachaches and headaches.  For a while, I believed this was the norm.  but after several years, I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  Finally, several months before my wedding, I knew it was time to make a change.

I needed to know I was making a difference in the world and helping others in a meaningful way.  I identified my values as connection, commitment, community, personal responsibility, and integrity.  Right then and there, I decided to be guided by these values and embraced the next chapter of my life.

I left New York City and volunteered as an attorney for the local domestic violence legal advocacy program in New Jersey near our home where I helped clients secure final restraining orders from the court.

For the first time in my life, I experienced the joy of making a meaningful difference.  When we were able to convince the court to issue a final restraining order, our clients often expressed sincere gratitude that they finally felt safe.

I opened my family law practice in 1999 so I could develop closer personal connections with each client and make a meaningful impact on their lives.

Having personally experienced my own parents’ bitter divorce as a teenager, I was committed to empowering parents with the knowledge and resources to make informed decisions about their lives and their children.

As my practice grew, I began to see that when the court imposes legal obligations in divorce, families are unable to make their own choices and create results.  I saw how the unpredictability of a court’s decision compounded the fear and hurt that clients were already experiencing from ending their marriage.  That’s when I dedicated my practice to helping clients reach divorce and post-divorce agreements more quickly at less cost, both financially and emotionally.

And what I’ve learned?  My values continue to be my North Star on my now clear path of facilitating human connection – now when we need it more than ever.

Why It’s Important to Protect Your Child if Your Spouse is an Alcoholic

Scary statistics show that alcoholism affects about 18 million adults in the U.S. and 6.6 million children younger than 18 years old live in households with at least one alcoholic parent.  This post identifies how your kids might be affected by having an alcoholic parent.  Because when you know the risks, you can take the right action for your family.

For young children, growing up in a household with an alcoholic can shape the rest of their lives.  Sadly, they often have to grow up quickly and take on adult roles and caretaker responsibilities.  Children of alcoholics can also eventually develop substance abuse issues themselves.

Having an alcoholic parent can seriously affect children psychologically, emotionally, and biologically. Children of alcoholics often experience difficult and painful emotions that can lead to increased risk for anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, isolation, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Specifically, the child might blame himself or herself for the parent’s drinking, for example, if they behaved better.  Likewise, the child can feel very alone when the parent drinks.  Dark thoughts and emotions can seep in and spiral into depression when the child feels like no one cares or understands.

The instability of not knowing how bad it might be on any given day can cause a child to become extremely distrustful, insecure, and to suppress their own emotions.  When children become unable to express – or even recognize – their own needs, they are likely to experience difficulty with interpersonal relationships as they get older.

It can be very confusing and difficult for kids in alcoholic households to lack daily routine, an important aspect of child development.  For example, it’s not unusual for an alcoholic parent to have mood swings where they are loving to the child one minute and loudly shouting the next.

Growing up experiencing chronic stress of a chaotic and unpredictable household with an alcoholic parent, can actually alter the structure and function of the child’s brain and change the way the child’s body responds to stress.  It’s important to know, however, that you have options when it comes to helping your kids.

For more information or to find out your legal options (with or without divorce) when your spouse is an alcoholic, please call or click here for help.

Should you Move Out of the Marital Home When You Decide to Divorce?

When you and your spouse decide to divorce, it can be difficult to remain together in the marital home.  Young kids, in particular, can often sense the discord or hostility between you and your spouse.  Even if there is no outright shouting or arguing, it’s common for kids to sense coldness or distance between the two of you.  Before making the decision to move out of the marital home, here are 4 important things to consider:

1.        You will still generally have to continue to contribute to the household expenses.

In addition to paying for separate living expenses if you move out, you generally would still be obligated to contribute to the marital home expenses to the same or similar extent.  For example, if your income is used to pay the mortgage, this should continue even if you move out.

 2.      Is there a child custody and parenting time agreement in place?

New Jersey law provides that both parents have equal rights to custody of their children.  Moving out can change the status quo and you could potentially end up with less parenting time.

Therefore, it’s important to have a child custody and parenting time agreement in place before moving out of the marital home.

 3.     You might have limited access to the marital home.

You still have a financial interest in the marital home even if you move out.  But once you move out, the spouse who stays in the home gains a general right to privacy after a reasonable amount of time, particularly when the kids live there too.

This means that when you want to come to the home for any reason, you would generally need to prior agreement from your spouse. For more information, check out this post.

4.    How does living together affect the kids?

Contrary to common belief, it’s not really the actual divorce, but ongoing conflict, that can be most harmful to kids’ emotional well-being.  This can include not only actively fighting and shouting, but also treating each other with coldness, indifference, or contempt.

Generally, your kids want you to be happy and they often know when you’re not.  They can experience ongoing anxiety from not knowing what will happen.  Therefore, if you believe the tensions and hostilities in the home are likely to affect your kids, you might consider one of you moving out.

The other thing to consider is that tensions and hostilities in the home can sometimes escalate to the point where one of you files a restraining order.

Moving out is not an easy decision.  That’s why you should first consider the above and most importantly, what is likely to be best for your kids moving forward.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized strategy session, click here.

Five Tips for Keeping the Peace at Home

Do spousal spats or sibling squabbles at home take their toll on you and your family?  If so, you’re not alone.  Most all families argue, some more than others.

The New York Times article entitled Lessons in Domestic Diplomacy,  is summed up with these 5 strategies to minimize – and even eliminate – hostilities for greater peace and harmony in your home:

1.        Timing is everything.

Research shows the biggest fights happen during transitions from work to home schedules, often between 6 and 8 p.m., or getting the kids off to school.  The lesson?  Wait until everyone is fed, has changed clothes, and had some private time before starting a serious discussion.

2.       Plan your position.

You can keep tensions at bay by simply making sure everyone is seated at the same level with roughly a similar posture.  In other words, one person is not seated higher than another or leaned back with feet on a desk.  These are generally construed as “power positions.”  By the same token, sitting alongside the other person has also been shown to increase collaboration

3.        Pad your seat.

Believe it or not, according to a recent study, people tend to be more rigid and inflexible when they sit on a “hard-wooden chair.”  Conversely, when seated on a “soft cushioned chair,” they are more accommodating and generous, and more open to the opinions of others.

So, if you need to have a serious talk with your spouse or child, chances are you would fare better by sitting side by side with them on padded or cushioned seats.

4.        Avoid the “You” word.

Instead of pointing blame, describe how you experienced the other person’s actions.  In other words, express how the other person’s actions made you feel.   To minimize backlash, avoid statements like “You always say that” or “You never do this.”

5.        Own the impact.

When there’s anything you can take responsibility for in an argument, it’s best to do so with sincerity.  For instance, instead of simply apologizing, recognize, and express the impact your actions had on the other person.  This is a powerful way to deepen any relationship.

Bottom Line

Conflict doesn’t have to drive us apart.  Instead, we can think of conflict as an opportunity to learn where the other person is coming from and address the conflict it intentionally rather than emotionally.  And when we do, we gain the power to not only resolve conflicts but to bring us closer together to the ones we love.

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3 Powerful Ways to Get a Yes in Your Next Negotiation

When we want to sell someone on a position or idea, we often focus our efforts on what we can say to convince the other person.

But the real power of influence in negotiation is this.  Focus more on what we can learn about the other person first.

After all, people are more likely to give you what you want when they like and trust you.

Here are three powerful ways to get a yes in negotiation.

1.          Ask open-ended questions.

Before starting your pitch, find out where the other person is.  Ask open-ended questions that give more than a yes or no answer.  Allow the other person to drive the conversation.  It’s important to listen more than you talk to find out what drives the other person – their wants, needs, goals, and fears.

These “interests” are what drive their position and actions in a negotiation.  Then you can have a conversation about how you can meet their interests or needs.

2.          Build the relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, they tend to want to say yes to you.  Likewise, the relationship you have after the negotiation will also determine future negotiations.

But what if you just met someone and have no prior relationship?  Create a relationship by sharing your goal for the negotiation.  This might be, for example, to make a deal that works for each of you.

3.          Be Trustworthy.

Reinforce your goal with actions to build trust.  Things like doing what you say you will, for example, calling at the specific time you said you would, signals trustworthiness.

Or make sure any early offers you make are tied to specifically to their interests.  This is consistent with your goal of mutual benefit.  And when you show you want to help the other person achieve their goals, they’re likely to want to help you.

You can find more detailed information on the psychology of why people say “yes” and how to apply these principles ethically in business and everyday situations in the highly acclaimed New York Times bestseller, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini.

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Do You Really Need a Lawyer to Handle Your New Jersey Divorce?

If you’re like many people considering divorce, you might be leery about getting lawyers involved.  After all, it’s a common belief that lawyers mean fighting and expensive legal fees.

As a family lawyer now for over 20 years, unfortunately, I know of many divorce lawyers who are needlessly aggressive and overpriced.   Which is really a shame.

Because just when you’re most vulnerable is when you most need a lawyer who will protect and guide you – with your needs and goals top of mind.

A good divorce lawyer can protect you by covering key considerations for child custody and appropriate financial support for your kids.  Similarly, when it comes to things like amount and duration of alimony, and dividing retirement plans, premarital assets, inheritances, and businesses, you’ll need to defer to New Jersey law to determine what’s fair.

Overlooking such key issues not only can harm you financially, it often requires costly and unpredictable legal action to correct.  And perhaps most important is making sure your children’s needs in the divorce are properly taken care of.

So, like with any other professional you rely on, it’s important to choose wisely when selecting a lawyer to handle your divorce.

For instance, when deciding if a particular lawyer is right for you, make sure to notice if the lawyer listens to you.  You should generally avoid the lawyer who is in a hurry to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

By the same token, a lawyer with significant family law experience will often use more cost-effective alternatives than going right to court, saving you time, money, and emotional energy.

Ultimately, you should go with your gut feeling when selecting your attorney.  Keep in mind that first impressions aren’t likely to change.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here

Powerful Co-Parenting Checklist to Ease Divorce Transition for Kids

No doubt about it –  divorce is a topsy-turvy crazy emotional time  – for kids and parents alike.  And trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

As both a child of divorce and a family lawyer for over 20 years, I want to help make things even just a bit easier for parents struggling emotionally with divorce.  Below is a powerful checklist to help ease the divorce transition for your kids.

1.      Try to keep the kids in the same school if at all possible.  To lose the continuity of the same friends, teachers, and overall school environment could be even more traumatic for your child adjusting to the divorce shakeup.

2.        Be intentional about interacting with the other parent with courtesy and respect.  Do not fight or argue, or talk about the details of the divorce in front of the kids.

3.        Make an effort to respect the other parent’s privacy.  Refrain from asking the children questions about the other parent’s dating activities, for instance.

4.       Do not ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.       Make every effort to support the other parent’s relationship with the child so your child feels free to love both of you.

6.      Do not make disparaging comments about the other parent or allow family or friends to make such comments.

7.      Make it a point to freely share information about their child.  Consider online tools such as OurFamilyWizard.

8.       Depending on the ages of the kids, stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, wakeup time, homework schedule, and curfews.  Also try to keep rules, expectations, and consequences similar in both homes.

9.       Keep the celebration of holidays and birthdays relatively the same.  For instance, if Thanksgiving or Christmas was traditionally spent with one side of the family, it’s generally a good idea to continue those traditions, for at least the time being.

10.     Encourage ongoing relationships for your kids with extended family members.  When parents divorce, sometimes kids lose their cousins, aunts, and uncles on one or both sides of the family.  The more people who love and care about your kids the less painful the divorce will be.

11.     For extensive professional advice and tips on co-parenting before, during, and after divorce, read Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child.

Keeping your child front and center when making decisions can go a long way towards avoiding long term negative emotional effects on your child.

The importance of how the divorce transition unfolds for kids cannot be overstated.  It is a time when parents play a pivotal role in their emotional well-being and in the success of their relationships down the road.

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Three Simple Steps to Calm Your Emotions During Conflict

Think of a time when a conversation suddenly turns heated.  Perhaps a co-worker makes a derogatory comment to you in front of colleagues.  Or a close friend neglects to call you on your birthday.  Or your spouse nags and criticizes you.

When you have a strong interest in maintaining harmony or strengthening an important relationship, managing your emotions can make all the difference.

When conflicts like these arise, our brains are biologically hardwired to automatically react to a perceived threat to our safety.  And then the brain’s automatic “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction literally takes over.

In that heated emotional moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need most to think rationally and intentionally.  And that’s when we are likely to say something that makes things worse.

The good news is you can take back control and turn things around to improve communication and your relationship.  Below are 3 simple steps to taking control and circumventing the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction:

1.        Notice what you’re feeling.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Suspend all thought and judgment.  Let go of whatever story you’re telling yourself in the moment.

3.        Breathe and Count.  Breathe in and count 1-2-3-4.  Breathe out as you count 1-2-3-4-5-6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our ability to do so.

It’s also possible to make a habit of calming your brain during conflict so it becomes automatic.  Every day, practice controlling your thoughts.  For instance, whenever you find yourself having restless thoughts about the past or future, simply stop, breathe, and pay attention to where you are and who you’re with.  In other words, practice being mindful.  I’ve found guided mediations helpful.

Daily repetition is key.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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How Relationship Conflicts Can Literally Make You Sick

In any relationship, whether at work or home, conflict is inevitable.  You might not be surprised that relationship conflict can affect your mental and emotional health.  But did you know it can also affect you physically?

Relationship conflict is any kind of struggle, disagreement, argument, or dispute between two people in a relationship – whether between partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, or co-workers.

Whether you’re angry or disappointed in something your partner did or said, or you lash out at a colleague who undermines you, you can end up in conflict.

When the conflict in your relationship is ongoing, it creates stress that can negatively affect the health and well-being of both you and your partner.

Relationship conflict can actually be healthy and productive if you use it to learn how the other person sees things and can develop creative solutions.  On the other hand, ongoing unresolved conflict can not only create tension at home or work, it can cause physical pain or sickness.

Emotions, when not felt or expressed, are held in your body – think “butterflies” or “nervous stomach” or your heart racing with fear or excitement.

According to The Great Pain Deception: Faulty Medical Advice Is Making Us Worse by Steven Ray Ozanich, published just recently, the way emotions can get stuck in your body is essentially this.  Someone close to you made you angry and your first instinct was to yell at them.  But because you knew it would be counterproductive to scream, you held back.  As a result, residual tension could get stored in your neck area, creating physical pain.

In any event, ongoing unresolved relationship conflict can lower your immune system making you more susceptible to any number of illnesses.  It can also result in tension headaches or migraines, and chronic pain in areas like your back or neck.

Therefore, it’s important to develop effective and productive communication skills to resolve conflict productively and strengthen your most important relationships.

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Is “Nesting” Right for You? When Kids Stay in the Home and Separated Parents Move Out

When you’re a separated or divorcing parent, chances are you’re concerned about the kids if you or your spouse were to move out of the home.

To help ease the transition for kids, more divorcing parents are considering a parenting time arrangement called “nesting” instead of moving the kids between two separate residences.

Nesting is when the kids stay in the marital home and each spouse takes turns moving in and out.  Before deciding on a nesting arrangement, however, here are 5 things you need to consider:

1. Nesting generally works best when both parents trust each other and can communicate respectfully.
2. Nesting can risk giving kids an inaccurate message that you are working on reconciliation.  Kids tend to fantasize and wish for their parents to work things out and get back together.  Both of you would need to explain to your children that nesting does not mean you will get back together and is temporary.
3. Both parents are to be willing to respect each other’s privacy.
4. Nesting often makes it difficult for either parent to enter a serious relationship, which can become awkward when nesting.
5. Parents might invade each other’s personal space, leave a mess, or fail to purchase certain groceries.

It’s not uncommon for divorcing parents to draw the kids into such conflicts by questioning them on what happened when the other parent was with them or pointing out the other parent’s deficiencies.

Any of this can have significant adverse consequences for kids’ emotional health.   That’s why it’s so important to have a detailed custody and parenting time agreement that spells out details that include:

• When the nesting period will end and a specific schedule as to when each parent is in the home;
• Depending on the ages of your kids, the schedule for such things as homework, activities, meals, and medical needs;
• Which parent is responsible for which household chores; for example, who pays the bills and from which funds or who mows the lawn?
• Which spaces are considered each parent’s private space and what happens if one or both parents begin dating?  Is his or her partner allowed to spend the night?

It’s important to carefully consider whether or not a nesting arrangement is right for both you and your spouse, and of course, your kids.

To help you decide, it’s generally best to consult with an experienced mental health professional as well as your attorney about any potential legal consequences.

Your attorney can also work with you to draft an effective custody and parenting time agreement.  The right agreement would protect your interests and facilitate the well being of your children during what can be a tumultuous time.

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The Secret to Managing Your Emotions for Closer Relationships

As social distancing continues and anxiety increases about the future, close relationships are especially important to our emotional and physical well-being.

Likewise, maintaining connections with those most important to us – Spouses, family, friends, bosses, and co-workers – leads to greater happiness and resiliency, with reduced stress and anxiety.

The number one key to improving our relationships and connecting with those most important to us is the quality of our communication.

While it’s common to experience anger in any relationship, the key is to make sure we don’t let anger damage the relationship.

It’s therefore important to manage our emotions when communicating with the people most important to us.  Obviously, this is much easier said than done.   Managing your emotions really just means (1) becoming aware of the emotion (like rising anger) before reacting; (2) calming down; and (3) responding intentionally.

For instance, according to the best seller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, as you feel a rush to fight or flee, pause and notice if you are trying to win or prove you’re right in that moment.

At times, you might experience a sort of emotional “flashback.”   For instance, your boss points his finger at you to make a point, which forcibly brings up your father doing the same when you were a child.

You might not even recall the memory; you only realize you’re experiencing an overwhelmingly strong negative reaction.  In either case, it’s your signal to stop before you react and just take that breath.  Or you might excuse yourself until you’re calmer.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. — Viktor Frankl.

It’s also common to avoid saying anything at all when we become angry with someone.  But the more you avoid, the more your emotions bottle up.  And the more likely you might explode or “cope” by turning to any type of unhealthy distractions or addictions.

At the same time, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

Therefore, if you’re feeling angry at someone, it’s important to take a pause and first recognize you might not have all the facts.

When you’re genuinely committed to keeping your relationships close and strong, you become much more motivated to manage your emotions.

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Yours, Mine, Or Ours? Dividing Assets and Debts in Divorce

If you’re like many spouses facing divorce, you might believe that marital assets and debts are divided according to which spouse owns a particular asset or incurred certain debts.

For example, suppose you have one or more bank or investment accounts in your name.  Or your spouse charged up large outstanding balances on credit cards in his name.

In this example, you might assume you would keep the accounts in your name and your spouse would have to pay “his” credit cards.

But not according to New Jersey divorce laws.  Rather, marriage is considered its own entity separate and apart from each spouse.

In other words, generally, as long as assets and debts were acquired after the marriage date, they belong to what you might consider the “marital enterprise.”

Therefore, conceptually speaking, divorce (or marital dissolution as it’s often referred to by the court), is not really much different from a partnership business dissolution.

For instance, both business partners might negotiate the terms for dissolution or refer to an existing partnership agreement on the disposition of assets and liabilities.

Similarly, most New Jersey divorces are settled by mutual agreement in what’s called a  “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

Generally, in addition to custody and parenting time for children, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically spells out specific provisions on matters like financial support and division of the marital assets and debts.

That’s why before the Marital Settlement Agreement is drafted, divorcing spouses will generally exchange formal itemizations and financial statements for all marital assets and debts owned in either or both names.

Typically, the lawyers for both spouses negotiate and draft the Marital Settlement Agreement.  The lawyers also typically file the legal documents with the court required to obtain your Judgment of Divorce.

It’s important to recognize that once you get married, the law treats “the marriage” as a separate and distinct entity.  And much like a business, the assets and debts belong to the marriage entity and generally get distributed to each spouse when dissolving the marriage.

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The Key to Satisfying Relationships: Inside Tips from a Leading Expert

There’s no denying that when we have satisfying intimate personal relationships, we generally experience less stress, greater emotional and physical well-being, and more resiliency to bounce back from adversity.

Likewise, it’s no secret that solid relationships and professional success go hand in hand.

According to Keith Ferrazzi, acclaimed entrepreneur and leading global expert in networking and professional relationship development, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships.

Keith Ferrazzi is a #1 NY Times Bestselling Author of Never Eat Alone and Who’s Got Your Back, Founder & Chairman of Ferrazzi Greenlight, and an executive team coach to some of the most prominent organizations in the world.

In his insightful and impactful online course, Mastering Authentic Networking I recently took, Ferrazzi points out that an essential element of any good strong solid relationship, whether professional or personal, is your ability to be candid with the other person.  Being candid means being forthright; not abusive or aggressive.

Likewise, the inability to speak your truth and the inability to be heard is the detriment to all relationships.  In other words, it’s what Ferrazzi calls “Tea-pot” candor, which he explains like this.

If something needs to be said, it’s a flame.  You put a teapot on top of that flame.  That flame will begin to boil the water.  People will start to feel things. And as people feel things, if the top is off, if candor is flowing freely, if people can feel comfortable with each other in saying what they’re feeling and thinking, then it’s fine.

But if the top is on, then the steam begins to build pressure.  And that steam needs to come out in different ways.  It will come out in spurts of passive-aggressive behavior.  Or it might just blow the top off in terms of a temper outburst because it wasn’t able to be expressed.

Also, according to Ferrazzi, the freedom to give and receive candor comes with building both intimacy and generosity in the relationship.  Because the more generosity there is, particularly when each of you feels safe enough to be vulnerable, the more solid and meaningful your relationship will be.

Think of being generous as giving the other person what he or she needs.  Particularly in our intimate personal relationships, I know how hard this can be when we feel our own needs are not being met.  But consider this.  What if we first become generous with the other person without expecting anything in return?  After all, as the saying goes, you get what you give.  Or you reap what you sow.

Think of being generous as the same as when you go to pick out a birthday gift for someone special.  You think about what that person likes and what they might enjoy receiving.  You wouldn’t typically consider only what you would want to receive.

It’s the same with what you can give in your relationship.  Things the other person would like and appreciate.  For instance, in your personal relationship, maybe you know she likes a certain kind of flower, or she always needs a hug when she hangs up the phone with her mother.  Or he likes to know you value his opinion or expertise.

In a business or professional relationship, maybe it’s the newest book from an author he admires.

It’s things like these, that might not seem like much in the moment, especially when we have so many other things to do.  But doing them regularly and consistently, over time can and will make a big difference in any relationship.

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The Personal Relationship Mindset: Key Takeaways From Tony Robbins

While we practice social distancing, it’s more important than ever to maintain connection with those closest to us.

Science shows the human need to socially connect is as much a fundamental need as food, water, and shelter.  Therefore, disconnection in our important personal relationships generally makes us feel misunderstood and alone.

So, how can we improve our relationships and connect with those most important to us?

According to renowned life coach Tony Robbins, the ability to control your emotions is essential to taking your relationship to its peak state.

As Robbins further explains:

When you’re in charge of your mindset, you don’t let small arguments become huge issues. You learn how to turn negative emotions into opportunities to improve your relationship, and how to communicate with love and understanding. When you operate at your peak state, your relationship will be stronger than ever.

Change your state of mind to fully connect.

Let’s face it, negative emotions can get the better of us.  And when they do, we’re far from being in the best state of mind to fully connect with our loved ones.

Below are 3 Tony Robbins takeaways to change your state of mind in an instant.

1. Get moving.

As Robbins says, “emotion is created by motion.”  Note what your posture and body language look like when you’re sad or angry.  Then compare that when you’re happy and motivated.  Very different, right?

So, the next time you find yourself in a bad mood, stand up tall and straight and breathe deeply to instantly feel proud and alert.  Or shake things up by putting on your favorite music and start dancing.  Do whatever works for you.

2. Get enough sleep and eat healthy meals.

It’s no secret we feel best when we get enough sleep and eat nutritious meals.

By the same token, little or no sleep can make us cranky just like skipping healthy meals might make us “hangry.”  Again, hardly the ideal state of mind to fully connect with loved ones.

3. Ask powerful questions.

Each of us has filters that influence the way we perceive things and the stories we tell ourselves that can impede our ability to meaningfully connect with others.

According to Tony Robbins, one of the most effective ways to rewire the root of these filters is by asking ourselves these 3 questions:

• What is something I can do for someone else today?
• What is something I can do to add value to the world today?
• What is something that I can offer to other people?

Robbins points out that by asking these questions consistently, you can see how you can begin to shape the world around you.  And you will begin to see the gifts you have to offer others.  When you engage with the most important people in your life from this mindset, the rewards can be immeasurable.

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Step-By-Step Checklist For Difficult Conversations with Family or at Work

You might be able to think of at least one conversation right now that you’ve been putting off.  Perhaps you believe that saying something will only make things worse.  When it comes to family members, certain conversations can be difficult because they’re so fraught with emotion.

Consider this example.  Your sister is in a marriage or romantic relationship you believe is unhealthy and controlling.   When you have reason to be concerned about your sister’s well-being or safety, you might very well need to have a difficult conversation with her.  Especially when you consider that your sister is likely to feel caught in the middle between you and her romantic relationship.

I feel very fortunate to have recently connected with Judy Ringer, conflict and communication skills trainer and coach, founder of Power & Presence Training and author of several books, including the recent and highly acclaimed, Turn Enemies Into Allies: The Art of Peace in the Workplace.   According to Judy Ringer, when it comes to difficult conversations, you have more power than you think.

Below is a summary of Ms. Ringer’s checklist of action items for before and during your difficult conversations.  And the good news is this valuable checklist can be used for difficult conversations whether with family members or at work.

Before the Conversation

1. What is your purpose for having the conversation?
2. What do you hope to accomplish? Be sure to enter the conversation with a supportive purpose and expect an optimal result.
3. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? Be cautious about making inaccurate assumptions.
4. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed by the other person’s actions? Become aware of your own emotional triggers and take them out of the equation.
5. Is the other person aware of a problem? If so, how might he or she view it?
6. How might you have contributed to the problem?

During the Conversation

1. Inquiry

Become curious.  Learn as much as possible about the other person’s point of view.  What does he or she really want? What are they not saying?  Let the other person talk until finished without interrupting, except to acknowledge.

2. Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood.  Explain back what you’ve heard.   For example, “this sounds really important to you.”

3. Advocacy

After the other person is done speaking, clarify what you might see from his or her perspective that they’ve missed, without minimizing their point of view.

4. Problem-Solving

Ask the other person what he or she thinks might work as a solution.  For example, you might clarify that a solution would need to satisfy what you each need or want.  If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry.   Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages them to engage.

With the art of conversation, Judy Ringer says, like any art, the more you practice, the more you will acquire skill and ease.

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Get Unstuck and Step Confidently Into Difficult Conversations

The dreaded difficult conversation.  You know the one.  When you know you need to say something, but you don’t.

Instead, you put it off.  Or completely avoid it.  You might reason to yourself that saying something will only make things worse.

Yet all the while, you might notice you’re carrying around all this pent-up nervous energy.  You might also find yourself short-tempered in other situations completely unrelated.  While it might feel like you’re stuck in limbo, the good news is you’re not.

Take this example, for instance.  A former client of mine, I’ll call him John, feared his wife would file a court motion for custody of their two children.  According to John, his wife had recently mentioned she’d seen a lawyer and thought it best if the kids were with her most of the time.

I asked John if he considered coming right out and starting a conversation with his wife to find out if his fears were true or not.  At first, he seemed a bit mortified and instead preferred a more passive “wait and see” approach.  He feared if he said something, there would be an argument and his wife would be more likely to want the children full-time.

And so I encouraged John to initiate a questioning type conversation with his wife.  Where he could simply ask questions to get some information.  There need not be an argument at all.

Fortunately, what John came to see was that the immediate discomfort of initiating this kind of conversation with his wife would be far better than doing nothing and then having his worst fears come to pass.

Importantly, it’s essentially the same way you would approach any difficult conversation.  The approach is spelled out in The New York Times and Washington Post bestseller, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.

The 7 steps for crucial conversations are summarized in this blog post by Anne Loehr, Executive Vice President at The Center for Human Capital Innovation (CHCI), as well as an author, executive coach, facilitator, and consultant.  I suggest copying or printing the handy checklist below from the blog post to help keep these steps in mind.  

The good news, according to Ann Loehr, is this skill-set is easy to learn, and once it is learned, will allow you to face anyone in any situation, regardless of power, position, or authority.

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What You Don’t Know But Should About Shared Child Custody

If you’re a separated or divorcing parent, one of the first things to do is to determine when and how your kids will spend time with each parent.

When parents decide to divorce, children need to know and understand what they can expect from each of you, and where they will be and when.  For more details about custody and parenting time agreements, check out this post.

When parents divorce, kids generally thrive when they are cared for and spend time with both parents.

Young children can and often do adjust to frequent transitions as long as they can rely on a consistent custody and parenting time schedule.  Shared child custody arrangements, however, work best when both parents are cooperative, respectful, and can manage their emotions while communicating effectively.

Therefore, if you both agree that your kids will benefit most from a shared parenting arrangement, you might consider these 4 types of arrangements:

1. A 2-2-3 schedule, where the children spend 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent, and 3 days with the first parent.  Then the next week it switches:

2. A 3-4-4-3 schedule, where the children will stay with one parent for 3 days of the week and then 4 days with the other parent. The next week it switches so the first parent has the child for 4 days and the other parent 3 days:

3. A 2-2-5-5 residential schedule, where the children live 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent, 5 days with the first parent, and 5 days with the second parent:

4. Alternating week schedule where the children spend 1 week with one parent and the next week with the other parent (it’s generally a good idea to add in mid-point evenings and/or overnights). This schedule repeats throughout the year:

It’s important to carefully consider your child’s needs and each parent’s responsibilities to determine the best custody and parenting time arrangement for your child.  Simply focus on what would work best now, knowing it can and often will change as the children get older.

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The Key to Custody and Parenting Time Agreements Without Going to Court

If you have kids and are separated or divorced, this post is for you – especially if you want to stay out of court.

The big takeaway is this – be able to master the Herculean task of negotiating and working with the other parent.

If you’re not yet divorced, custody and parenting time arrangements will need to be made for your children.  The least contentious and less costly way is to come to an agreement with the other parent.

The custody and parenting time arrangements are then finalized in a written legal document.  To find out what to include in a custody and parenting time order, check out this post.

But what if you’re already divorced and need to change your original custody and parenting time terms?  The new agreement would typically be in the form of a “consent order” that gets signed by the judge and entered by the court.

Specifically, you might wish to change the terms of your original custody and parenting time if, for example:

• One parent intends to move or has moved closer to the other parent;
• The child wishes to spend more time with the other parent; or
• One or both parents’ work schedule has changed.

In such situations, you might consider working with the other parent instead of going to court.

After all, going to court is incredibly expensive and unpredictable.  Not to mention, the emotional costs involved in ongoing acrimony without resolution.

To work together, it’s important to keep front and center in your mind your desire to remain amicable to ease the emotional strain on your kids.  It’s generally easier to navigate the terrain when you know where you want to end up.

Next, get curious.  Find out as much as you can about the other parent’s views.  Relay that it’s important that you understand where he or she is coming from.  That way, you’re better able to both come up with a solution that works for both of you and most importantly, your children.

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One Simple Action To Stay Calm During Difficult Conversations

You know the feeling.  You’re in the middle of a conversation with someone – your spouse, friend, or co-worker – when the person says something that offends you or makes you angry.

You feel your blood temperature start to rise.  And what we do in that moment can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a full-on heated confrontation or argument.

In most cases, lashing back defensively would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.  But if your response is calm and intentional, you can literally change the course of the conversation into a productive exchange where you feel heard and understood and feel a greater sense of compassion.  Here is one simple action to stay calm during difficult conversations.

First, notice when your anger slowly starts to build.  It’s in that isolated moment that you pause and freeze.  Then take one to three slow breaths.  Or count backward from 5 to 1, described as the 5 Second Rule.

This one simple action cuts off the brain’s fight-or-flight reaction.  Because when we feel attacked verbally, the brain reacts the same as if there is a gun pointed at us and we immediately dive into a “fight-or-flight” state.  And it’s in this state when we’re likely to blurt out things we might later regret.

When you “freeze and breathe,” you automatically calm down.  You can think more rationally and intentionally choose what you say and do next.  The more you practice simply noticing yourself becoming angry or upset, the easier it will become to remain calm instead of reacting emotionally.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to such emotional triggers in the future.  And it can literally save your most important relationships.

To find out how strategic coaching can help you communicate more powerfully, persuasively, and effectively in your personal and family relationships, click here or email me directly at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

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Spouses Can Now Get Divorced in New Jersey Without Court Appearance

Divorce in New Jersey just got a bit easier and less costly.

But there’s a catch.  Both you and your spouse need to do two things:

1.        Agree on all matters including child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of the marital assets and debts; and

2.        Sign a legal divorce agreement, commonly called a signed Marital Settlement Agreement.  You and your spouse can reach a Marital Settlement Agreement by negotiating directly or with the help of lawyers, or through divorce mediation or other dispute resolution alternatives.

In addition, one of you needs to file a Complaint for Divorce.  In any event, until recently in New Jersey, divorcing spouses were often required to physically appear in court to receive a Judgment of Divorce signed by a judge.

Now, however, effective as of June 5, 2020, when you file the required legal documentation with the New Jersey court, you can receive a Judgment of Divorce mailed to you or your attorney.

In the meantime, as part of the restrictions imposed by the coronavirus pandemic, New Jersey courts now permit electronic filing of certain legal documents, at least for the time being.

To find out more about a New Jersey divorce that’s quicker, less costly, and more amicable, contact me personally here.

How to Confront a Friend or Loved One Who Lets You Down

It’s inevitable.  Whether at home or work, someone close to us eventually lets us down.  Perhaps we get angry or hurt.  It comes with the territory of personal relationships.  What can you do?  Should you confront the person or stay quiet?

The problem with staying quiet is the likelihood of carrying around resentment that affects your interactions with the person and eventually erodes the relationship.  For instance, maybe you don’t return their calls, emails, or texts.  And you wait for the moment when you might unleash your anger at what they did.  So, how can you openly and honestly express yourself without jeopardizing the relationship?

When a close friend or loved one lets you down, confronting them effectively can actually bring you closer to them.  After all, you’re free to express yourself, which lets the other person know you better and more fully.  At the same time, you become open to listening to them, which lets them know you better as well.

Here’s how you can effectively confront a friend or loved one who’s let you down.

First, determine if you genuinely trust this person.   It’s not always so easy to tell.  So, I like to use what I call the “trust test” from Brené Brown described in this post.  Because as long as you really trust your friend or loved one, then, according to Brené Brown, you can assume the most generous thing about their words, intentions, and behaviors.

As Brené Brown describes here:

If I screw up, say something, forget something, you will make a generous assumption and say, “Yesterday was my mom’s one year anniversary of her death, and it was really tough for me, and I talked to you about it last month. And I really was hoping that you would’ve called, but I know you care about me. I know you think it’s a big deal. So I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about that.”

The important thing is first, before saying anything, pause and get clear on what you really want to achieve.   For instance, “what I really want is to express how I feel about what happened and to be understood.”

Then keep to just the facts.  Follow up the facts with your version worded somewhat tentatively to stay open to the other person’s view.

For example, using Brené Brown’s example above, “yesterday was my mom’s one year anniversary of her death.  A few weeks ago, I told you how tough I thought it would be for me that day and you didn’t call.  And so, it seemed to me like …”  This allows you to share your experience and then ask the other person what their thoughts on it are.

It’s not easy to confront someone when we’re angry or upset with something they did.  That’s why it’s so important to take that first moment to pause (and breathe) and focus on the outcome we want.  With regular practice, it’s likely we will begin to experience deeper and more rewarding relationships.

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The Inside Scoop on Uncontested Divorce in New Jersey

It’s a common belief that to start the divorce process in New Jersy, you need to file a “Complaint for Divorce” with the court.

If you and your spouse are on relatively amicable or civil terms, however, you might reach a divorce agreement quicker and at less cost by first exchanging financial information with your spouse.

For instance, your lawyer might ask you to first complete a Case Information Statement.  The Case Information Statement, or CIS, is a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets and liabilities.

In New Jersey, each spouse is generally required to file a completed CIS with the court and forward a copy to the other.  The CIS is often considered the most important document in a divorce case.  Generally, it provides your financial profile.

The CIS is important because it: (1) tells your lawyer most things needed to know about your financial status; and (2) facilitates disclosure of the same information to your spouse that he or she will need so there can be meaningful talks of settlement.  Without the information contained in the CIS, neither spouse will likely be able to make informed decisions about the significant financial issues.

Therefore, even if neither of you has yet filed a Complaint for Divorce with the court, you can still exchange Case Information Statements because the information is so crucial in a divorce.

The Case Information Statement is an important part of what’s often called “discovery” in a divorce case.  The term “discovery” refers to the exchange of information by each spouse.  The purpose of discovery is for each of you to obtain such information as the values of marital income, assets, and debts.

Discovery may also be obtained by Interrogatories, Notices to Produce financial and other records, and subpoenas.  Discovery also includes obtaining necessary valuations of such assets like the marital residence and pensions.   Finding out values for certain assets, however, like a home or business, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

Generally, when both you and your spouse are satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued, one of the attorneys will typically draft the divorce agreement and send it to the other spouse’s lawyer.

This agreement is often called the “Marital Settlement Agreement.”  It is a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you and your spouse.  When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement generally gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

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Your Best Bet for an Amicable Divorce

Divorce is more than a legal process.  It is an extremely emotional process.  It’s also common for one spouse to want a divorce while the other does not.  More often, one of the spouses decides, over a period of time, to end the marriage.

When you’re the spouse who wants the divorce, it’s important to know this.  The way you handle your emotions and the emotions of your spouse will essentially determine how the legal divorce process will unfold.

For example, suppose your spouse reacts with shock or outrage when you announce you want a divorce. In such a situation, your spouse might refuse to cooperate in the divorce, or escalate the conflict with potentially exorbitant legal fees.

It is only when your spouse gets the chance to emotionally process the divorce as a reality that he or she will be able to engage in reasonable discussions about splitting up.  If you push too hard and insist on an immediate divorce, it’s likely your spouse will run to the “safety” of a litigious lawyer to “protect” his or her interests.

That’s why the way you tell your spouse you want a divorce is critical to an amicable legal divorce process.

Therefore, before approaching your spouse, make sure you’re certain you want a divorce.  Think of how your spouse might feel and what you might say.  And be sure to use neutral language.  For example, “I think you would agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way, we’ll end up hating each other.  I want a divorce.”

Or, if you have children, you might also say something like “our kids deserve better.  They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

When your spouse offers a response, you can prevent escalating emotions by staying focused on the emotions behind the words and describing back what you hear.  For example, “it sounds like you feel hurt.”

It’s important not to become reactive or defensive, or try to convince your spouse that divorce is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.

It’s also generally best to steer clear of talking about dividing assets at this time.  The time to address the legal issues can be as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

Approaching your spouse in this way shows respect and reinforces your commitment to keeping things amicable during the divorce.

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Three Powerful Tips to Control Your Emotions in Conflict & Improve Relationships

Whenever we feel attacked or threatened – even if we feel disrespected, insulted, or personally attacked – we experience what’s known as a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction.  Simply put, the reasoning part of our brains shuts down and we’re unable to respond rationally in the heat of the moment.

And that doesn’t bode well when we want to maintain close meaningful relationships with others.

Let’s face it – all the tools and strategies in the world for effective communication won’t help if your head’s not in the game to begin with.  But fortunately, we can learn to control our fight or flight reactions and keep our relationships strong.  Here are 3 powerful tips:

1.     Pause.

Pause during the conversation to get clear on what you really want by asking “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  For example, according to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,  “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”  Basically, it’s about taking the attention off of our egos and on what we really want for this relationship.  To find out more, check out this post.

2.     Meditate.

Taking some time during the day for meditation can be extremely effective in gaining control over our thoughts and emotions.  And it doesn’t have to take a lot of time, while the payoff is likely more than worth it.  This article can help you find what might work best for you.

3.     Take breaks from screen time.

We often hear that excessive screen time can be harmful physically, mentally, and emotionally.  So, taking breaks can be a powerful way to improve our overall well-being.

I’ve found that taking a day off – or even a few hours – helps with mental clarity and emotional well-being.  To learn more, check out this article.

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Do This One Thing to Productively Resolve Conflict in Your Most Important Relationships

Do you often find yourself holding in your anger at someone to avoid a conflict?  Perhaps you’ve held in your anger for so long that you eventually erupt and lash out at this person.

As you might surmise, this is not a good way to resolve a conflict.  It damages your emotional and physical well-being by creating stress, and it can destroy a relationship.  So why do we do this in the first place?

One reason is you might feel that your anger will get out of control if you say something.  But unfortunately, in that case, your resentment simmers in the background during your interactions with this person.  This can create even more tension and prolong the conflict.

I believe we’re often raised without any clue how to constructively resolve conflict while strengthening our relationships at home and work.  While conflict resolution is a crucial life skill, it’s generally not taught in school.  And, unless you’re very fortunate, you might not have learned from your parents.

If we want our most important relationships to flourish, there needs to be mutual trust and respect.  So, if we want others to trust and respect us, we have to trust and respect them.

We disrespect others when we disregard or minimize their feelings or opinions, or if we always try to get our own way.  And the other person will feel hurt and resentful.  Likewise, we disrespect ourselves if we’re always giving in just to avoid conflict.  That sends a message to the other person that it is acceptable to act insensitively to your needs.

So, what is the key to productively resolving conflict and strengthening our most important relationships?  First of all, the human brain is hard-wired to create a “fight-flight-freeze” reaction whenever we feel attacked or threatened.  And the reasoning part of the brain simply shuts down.

When we’re fired up, our default is to assume we have to choose between getting results and keeping the relationship.  But, according to the best-selling book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, as you feel that rush to fight or flee, pause and notice your motives at that moment.  For instance, are you trying to win or prove you’re right?

Then, get clear on what you really want by asking “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  For example, “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”

Then, according to the authors of Crucial Conversations, ask “how would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”  In other words, choose your words or take action to achieve what it is you really want.

According to Crucial Conversations:

When you ask that question, you discover you can share your concerns, listen sincerely to the other person’s concerns, and build the relationship – all at the same time.  And the results can be life-changing.

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