This Life Lesson Transformed My Career

I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer.  I just didn’t hadn’t really known why – I simply believed that being a lawyer would give me the financial security I didn’t have as a kid growing up.

It turned out that law school was a natural fit with my love of reading, learning, writing, and analytical way of thinking.

But after law school, I was not prepared for the stress of working as an associate in a multinational law firm.  Deadlines, billing pressures, corporate client demands, and long hours were the norm for the larger New York City law firms in the 1990s.

As were the mandatory 1,800 to 2,000+ billable hours a year, which presumes you’re billing eight hours a day every day, not including holidays and weekends.

So, I buckled down to 12-hour workdays, often working late into the night.  At times, I made up hours on weekends and holidays.  By the same token, associates were expected to be available 24/7 to meet deadlines often set by large corporate clients.

Anxiety became a way of life.  I suffered from chronic stomachaches and headaches.  For a while, I believed this was the norm.  but after several years, I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  Finally, several months before my wedding, I knew it was time to make a change.

I needed to know I was making a difference in the world and helping others in a meaningful way.  I identified my values as connection, commitment, community, personal responsibility, and integrity.  Right then and there, I decided to be guided by these values and embraced the next chapter of my life.

I left New York City and volunteered as an attorney for the local domestic violence legal advocacy program in New Jersey near our home where I helped clients secure final restraining orders from the court.

For the first time in my life, I experienced the joy of making a meaningful difference.  When we were able to convince the court to issue a final restraining order, our clients often expressed sincere gratitude that they finally felt safe.

I opened my family law practice in 1999 so I could develop closer personal connections with each client and make a meaningful impact on their lives.

Having personally experienced my own parents’ bitter divorce as a teenager, I was committed to empowering parents with the knowledge and resources to make informed decisions about their lives and their children.

As my practice grew, I began to see that when the court imposes legal obligations in divorce, families are unable to make their own choices and create results.  I saw how the unpredictability of a court’s decision compounded the fear and hurt that clients were already experiencing from ending their marriage.  That’s when I dedicated my practice to helping clients reach divorce and post-divorce agreements more quickly at less cost, both financially and emotionally.

And what I’ve learned?  My values continue to be my North Star on my now clear path of facilitating human connection – now when we need it more than ever.

Why It’s Important to Protect Your Child if Your Spouse is an Alcoholic

Scary statistics show that alcoholism affects about 18 million adults in the U.S. and 6.6 million children younger than 18 years old live in households with at least one alcoholic parent.  This post identifies how your kids might be affected by having an alcoholic parent.  Because when you know the risks, you can take the right action for your family.

For young children, growing up in a household with an alcoholic can shape the rest of their lives.  Sadly, they often have to grow up quickly and take on adult roles and caretaker responsibilities.  Children of alcoholics can also eventually develop substance abuse issues themselves.

Having an alcoholic parent can seriously affect children psychologically, emotionally, and biologically. Children of alcoholics often experience difficult and painful emotions that can lead to increased risk for anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, isolation, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Specifically, the child might blame himself or herself for the parent’s drinking, for example, if they behaved better.  Likewise, the child can feel very alone when the parent drinks.  Dark thoughts and emotions can seep in and spiral into depression when the child feels like no one cares or understands.

The instability of not knowing how bad it might be on any given day can cause a child to become extremely distrustful, insecure, and to suppress their own emotions.  When children become unable to express – or even recognize – their own needs, they are likely to experience difficulty with interpersonal relationships as they get older.

It can be very confusing and difficult for kids in alcoholic households to lack daily routine, an important aspect of child development.  For example, it’s not unusual for an alcoholic parent to have mood swings where they are loving to the child one minute and loudly shouting the next.

Growing up experiencing chronic stress of a chaotic and unpredictable household with an alcoholic parent, can actually alter the structure and function of the child’s brain and change the way the child’s body responds to stress.  It’s important to know, however, that you have options when it comes to helping your kids.

For more information or to find out your legal options (with or without divorce) when your spouse is an alcoholic, please call or click here for help.

Should you Move Out of the Marital Home When You Decide to Divorce?

When you and your spouse decide to divorce, it can be difficult to remain together in the marital home.  Young kids, in particular, can often sense the discord or hostility between you and your spouse.  Even if there is no outright shouting or arguing, it’s common for kids to sense coldness or distance between the two of you.  Before making the decision to move out of the marital home, here are 4 important things to consider:

1.        You will still generally have to continue to contribute to the household expenses.

In addition to paying for separate living expenses if you move out, you generally would still be obligated to contribute to the marital home expenses to the same or similar extent.  For example, if your income is used to pay the mortgage, this should continue even if you move out.

 2.      Is there a child custody and parenting time agreement in place?

New Jersey law provides that both parents have equal rights to custody of their children.  Moving out can change the status quo and you could potentially end up with less parenting time.

Therefore, it’s important to have a child custody and parenting time agreement in place before moving out of the marital home.

 3.     You might have limited access to the marital home.

You still have a financial interest in the marital home even if you move out.  But once you move out, the spouse who stays in the home gains a general right to privacy after a reasonable amount of time, particularly when the kids live there too.

This means that when you want to come to the home for any reason, you would generally need to prior agreement from your spouse. For more information, check out this post.

4.    How does living together affect the kids?

Contrary to common belief, it’s not really the actual divorce, but ongoing conflict, that can be most harmful to kids’ emotional well-being.  This can include not only actively fighting and shouting, but also treating each other with coldness, indifference, or contempt.

Generally, your kids want you to be happy and they often know when you’re not.  They can experience ongoing anxiety from not knowing what will happen.  Therefore, if you believe the tensions and hostilities in the home are likely to affect your kids, you might consider one of you moving out.

The other thing to consider is that tensions and hostilities in the home can sometimes escalate to the point where one of you files a restraining order.

Moving out is not an easy decision.  That’s why you should first consider the above and most importantly, what is likely to be best for your kids moving forward.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized strategy session, click here.

Five Tips for Keeping the Peace at Home

Do spousal spats or sibling squabbles at home take their toll on you and your family?  If so, you’re not alone.  Most all families argue, some more than others.

The New York Times article entitled Lessons in Domestic Diplomacy,  is summed up with these 5 strategies to minimize – and even eliminate – hostilities for greater peace and harmony in your home:

1.        Timing is everything.

Research shows the biggest fights happen during transitions from work to home schedules, often between 6 and 8 p.m., or getting the kids off to school.  The lesson?  Wait until everyone is fed, has changed clothes, and had some private time before starting a serious discussion.

2.       Plan your position.

You can keep tensions at bay by simply making sure everyone is seated at the same level with roughly a similar posture.  In other words, one person is not seated higher than another or leaned back with feet on a desk.  These are generally construed as “power positions.”  By the same token, sitting alongside the other person has also been shown to increase collaboration

3.        Pad your seat.

Believe it or not, according to a recent study, people tend to be more rigid and inflexible when they sit on a “hard-wooden chair.”  Conversely, when seated on a “soft cushioned chair,” they are more accommodating and generous, and more open to the opinions of others.

So, if you need to have a serious talk with your spouse or child, chances are you would fare better by sitting side by side with them on padded or cushioned seats.

4.        Avoid the “You” word.

Instead of pointing blame, describe how you experienced the other person’s actions.  In other words, express how the other person’s actions made you feel.   To minimize backlash, avoid statements like “You always say that” or “You never do this.”

5.        Own the impact.

When there’s anything you can take responsibility for in an argument, it’s best to do so with sincerity.  For instance, instead of simply apologizing, recognize, and express the impact your actions had on the other person.  This is a powerful way to deepen any relationship.

Bottom Line

Conflict doesn’t have to drive us apart.  Instead, we can think of conflict as an opportunity to learn where the other person is coming from and address the conflict it intentionally rather than emotionally.  And when we do, we gain the power to not only resolve conflicts but to bring us closer together to the ones we love.

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3 Powerful Ways to Get a Yes in Your Next Negotiation

When we want to sell someone on a position or idea, we often focus our efforts on what we can say to convince the other person.

But the real power of influence in negotiation is this.  Focus more on what we can learn about the other person first.

After all, people are more likely to give you what you want when they like and trust you.

Here are three powerful ways to get a yes in negotiation.

1.          Ask open-ended questions.

Before starting your pitch, find out where the other person is.  Ask open-ended questions that give more than a yes or no answer.  Allow the other person to drive the conversation.  It’s important to listen more than you talk to find out what drives the other person – their wants, needs, goals, and fears.

These “interests” are what drive their position and actions in a negotiation.  Then you can have a conversation about how you can meet their interests or needs.

2.          Build the relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, they tend to want to say yes to you.  Likewise, the relationship you have after the negotiation will also determine future negotiations.

But what if you just met someone and have no prior relationship?  Create a relationship by sharing your goal for the negotiation.  This might be, for example, to make a deal that works for each of you.

3.          Be Trustworthy.

Reinforce your goal with actions to build trust.  Things like doing what you say you will, for example, calling at the specific time you said you would, signals trustworthiness.

Or make sure any early offers you make are tied to specifically to their interests.  This is consistent with your goal of mutual benefit.  And when you show you want to help the other person achieve their goals, they’re likely to want to help you.

You can find more detailed information on the psychology of why people say “yes” and how to apply these principles ethically in business and everyday situations in the highly acclaimed New York Times bestseller, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini.

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