How to Calm Down in 90 Seconds or Less

Our emotions are caused by our thoughts but are experienced as physical sensations in the body.  For instance, when we become angry, our heart rate increases, body temperature rises, and we might clench our fists.

Or when we become anxious or fearful, we might experience “butterflies in the stomach” with rapid breathing or shortness of breath.

But did you know that emotions don’t last longer than 90 seconds?

According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, ninety seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.  Think of emotions like waves in the ocean.

What keeps emotions lingering are our thoughts and our stories about why we’re feeling what we’re feeling.  Like telling ourselves that something or someone should be different than what is.

So, when you’re feeling stressed, fearful, or angry, you can detach from the emotion and simply observe how it feels as if you were an outside observer.  It is essential to suspend all thoughts about what caused you to feel angry or frustrated or hurt.  That will only strengthen these emotions.

In other words, without trying to push away the emotion, make an effort to observe it and to label your body’s physiological reaction to it.  For instance, “I’m feeling angry and I feel my heart beating faster and feel tense in my chest.”  Continue labeling until the negative emotion dissipates.  This enables us to focus on observing the emotion instead of identifying with it.

“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

I’m not saying it will be easy, and it takes practice, but it will be worth it to be in control of your emotions, especially before you say or do something you might later regret.

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Four Powerful Ways to Mend a Strained Relationship

Do you have a strained relationship with a family member or someone else you love?  Or perhaps you’re stuck in a rut with a work colleague and can’t seem to turn things around.

It’s not uncommon to experience strained or estranged relationships in our personal and professional lives.

You might know the feeling.  You struggle to carry on a conversation because mistrust or resentment simmers just beneath the surface.  Arguments can erupt out of nowhere.

So you try to limit contact or just decide to keep the conversations polite without becoming fully engaged.  You might even stop communication altogether.

This can make us feel stuck, helpless, hopeless, angry, and powerless to change things.  We might decide to avoid the person and the situation altogether by rationalizing that it’s easier to just let things be.

But the weight of the frustration, anger, and resentment can be tough to shake off as it permeates into other areas of our lives.

You might start to view everything from a more negative perspective.  For example, you might start taking other things more personally and reacting impulsively.

We can become so preoccupied with the drama of strained relationships that we are too upset to fully engage or spend time with loved ones.  And disconnecting from others is likely to create more anxiety and loneliness.

Significantly, unexpressed anger and resentment from strained relationships can have serious physical health consequences as well.  These can include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

And a new scientific study shows that strained relationships with parents, siblings, or extended family members can be even more harmful to our health than a troubled relationship with a significant other.

But you can change the course of your relationship with anyone at any time.  Here are 4 powerful ways:

1.        Say something vulnerable to someone you love.

Pick up that phone or even send a voice text with an “I miss you” or “I love you” and “I hate it when we fight.”  This can instantly break down walls and open the lines of communication.

2.        Start the conversation.

You might say something like “I feel like things are awkward right now” or that “we are seeing things differently right now, but I think we can work it out.”

3.        Share and listen.

Share what you see as the cause of the rift.  Instead of unequivocally blaming the other person, you might use language that shows how you see things from your perspective and how it made you feel.  Then be open for the other person to do the same.

4.        Move forward.

It’s important to focus on what might need to change to avoid future rifts and keep the relationship strong.  Relationship conflicts can be opportunities to learn how other people see things and how to move forward.

The value of our relationships cannot be overstated.  While they can be challenging, relationships can give us the strength to make changes when we need to.

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Beware of the Free Lawyer Consultation

From time to time, I get calls from people struggling with a family law issue and want to know if I offer “free consultations.”  Common family law issues include:

• How does property get divided in a divorce?
• What are my rights if I decide to divorce?
• How can I collect child support from my ex?
• What if my spouse wants a divorce but I don’t?
• Can my spouse and I use one lawyer to get a divorce?

Maybe you just have a couple of questions and want to get a feel for a lawyer before plunking down a pile of money.  I totally get it.

But what you should know is this.  While free consultations might be the norm in certain limited areas of law like personal injury, it’s not the case when it comes to divorce and family law.

In practicing law for over 28 years, I’ve worked with lots of clients and come to know lots of lawyers.  And the few family lawyers who do offer “free” consultations are likely looking to get you in the door for maybe a half-hour (if they really need your business, it might be up to an hour) and talk mainly about why you need to hire them.

Then they drop the bomb on you with the amount of the retainer.

Chances are you won’t come away with meaningful concrete legal advice customized to your particular circumstances and concerns.

After all, our essential business is charging for legal advice, so why would we give it away for free?

On the other hand, my initial consultations with prospective clients are strategy sessions that can last from one to two hours.

Before we meet, we gather your basic details and biggest concerns.  That way our time together can be more productive and you will come away with not just substantive legal advice about what you can expect, but a strategy and plan to achieve what is most important to you.

We also fully explain the nature of my representation, the costs, and the amount of retainer based on your particular circumstances.   And if you decide to retain my services, the initial consultation fee (equal to one hour of my current hourly rate) will be waived.

Even if you decide not to become a client, you still come away with valuable legal advice needed to make informed decisions – perhaps whether or not to stay in your marriage or how to get your own divorce if you and your spouse have resolved the few issues between you.  Either way, as the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

To schedule a personalized consultation, click here or call 973-292-9090 or shoot me an email at mhart@michelehartlaw.com.

How to Get What You Want in any Negotiation in Business and Life

Whether we know it or not, we are negotiating all the time.  From salary negotiations or business deals to buying a home or a car or negotiating bedtimes or curfews with our kids.

Knowing how to effectively negotiate is a critical life skill that can yield dividends in every area of your life.

But many negotiations become stuck between competing positions to get as much as possible or pay as little as possible.  That’s a recipe for deadlock and failure.

Likewise, many divorce negotiations stall when spouses get caught up with looking to pay as little alimony as possible or, on the other side, how to get more alimony.  Not only does this back and forth take a lot of time, effort, and money, it becomes counterproductive because each party is simply looking to “win.”

But win-lose negotiations are just plain bad practice.  They only lead to lengthier and more expensive drawn-out negotiations with little chance of success.  The best negotiations are ones that yield mutual gain and can also lead to solid long-term relationships.

So, a better approach is to make the other person an offer they can’t refuse.  Making the first offer automatically steers the negotiation toward your interests.

Decide what your end game is and where ultimately want to end up.  What would a successful outcome look like to you?  Then think about what would look good to you if you were the other person.  What would a successful outcome look like to them? What are they looking for?

It’s important that you either know the industry well or do your homework ahead of time so you can come up with creative solutions that could benefit the other person.

This is where asking open–ended questions and listening carefully can be invaluable.  In a high-stakes business negotiation, for example, you might learn the other person really wants to retire and buy a piece of property in Florida and you could help with financing as part of the deal.

In any negotiation, it’s also important to be transparent about your needs and what you’d like to see as an outcome.  That way, you can enlist the other person to work together to find creative ways to meet both your needs.

Approaching negotiations like this simply becomes thoughtful interactions with other people and ways to find even better solutions than you might otherwise not have considered.

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Six Powerful Actions to Overcome Negative Bias and Improve Your Relationships

As human beings, our brains default to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones.

Psychologists call this negativity bias.  It’s why we focus more on criticisms than compliments.  And why bad news gets more attention than good news.

Negativity bias drives our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  And this can have a profound effect on our relationships – with our spouses, kids, extended family members, employees, bosses, business partners, and colleagues.

For example, negativity bias makes it more likely to magnify your partner’s faults or focus on a colleague’s criticism and disregard positive traits or interactions.

Here are 6 actions to immediately improve your daily interactions and relationships:

1.        Set your intention.

Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

Do you want your interactions to stem from fear or anger?  Or do you want to be more loving and attentive?

2.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

3.        Be present.

What are you feeling right now?  For instance, imagine a big stop sign and take one to three slow breaths.  And notice what you’re thinking at the moment.

4.        Immediately reframe.

Picture widening the focus of a camera lens to see the bigger picture.  Take a kinder view of the other person by focusing on their positive qualities or actions.

With practice, you will be able to stop negative thoughts as soon as they begin and replace or challenge them.  This takes repetitive daily practice like finding the silver lining in any experience.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” — Dr. Wayne Dyer

5.        Practice, practice, practice.

Every day, bring the positive experiences of your life into focus.  You might jot down people and things you are grateful for.

Whenever you become frustrated with a coworker or colleague, find 3 or 4 positive things about them.  When something good happens, focus on it and savor it.

6.        Avoid or limit negative news and social media feeds.

Let’s face it. the media bolsters negativity bias by focusing on negative news and events despite all the good things happening in the world.

Whenever you find your thoughts turning to the dark side, stop, notice, and see the bigger picture.

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What Divorcing Spouses Can Do When Virtual Court Stalls Settlement

Divorcing spouses should not rush to court these days.  Once you file a divorce complaint with the court, you’re on the court’s timeline and required to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation to try to reach an agreement on issues like child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

But since the start of the pandemic, mandatory court settlement appearances are held virtually with little success.

The problem is that there is no substitution for face-to-face meetings when it comes to negotiation and settlement conferences.

While sitting down with your spouse and both lawyers can seem excruciating, it’s generally the best way to reach an overall agreement.

But when all four of you are staring at a camera over zoom, it just isn’t the same.  And New Jersey courts are now recognizing that divorce cases are not settling as a result.

For you and your spouse, this often means higher lawyer fees over a longer period of time to attend mandatory settlement conferences and mediation with no agreement reached.

What you can do instead

Start by selecting settlement-oriented lawyers experienced in divorce and family law for each of you.   Set aside the funds.  It will generally be worth it by saving you time, money, and aggravation.

Have your lawyers help you and your spouse agree on a date to use for valuing marital assets and debts, facilitate the exchange of relevant financial documents, and agree on custody and parenting time for your kids.

Once you and your spouse have sufficiently determined the marital income, assets, and debts, your lawyers can help you come up with creative ways to divide the assets and provide for support if appropriate.

Your lawyers might also recommend the input of a child specialist or financial professional who can be instrumental in offering creative solutions that might be outside your lawyer’s expertise.

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The #1 Reason Couples Divorce According to a Divorce Lawyer

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, divorcing spouses come to my office deciding to call it quits for wide variety of reasons.  But there really is one common thread I see over and over again.

It’s the breakdown in the ability to effectively communicate with each other.  And this tends to differ between men and women.

Men, for instance, often talk about feeling unappreciated and criticized by their wives. Women, on the other hand, often feel emotionally invalidated and ignored by their husbands.  It’s clear that many couples become unable to resolve daily conflicts or stop talking to each other altogether.

Over time, resentment kicks in, which can lead to contempt, or even indifference.  And then, the marriage can just become a source of anger and pain.

Many couples delay divorce or decide to stay together for the kids.  But there are plenty of studies that show that regular exposure to conflict in the household, even if there is no actual shouting, can have a traumatic emotional effect on kids.

In my experience, however, as a divorce lawyer and personally, there’s always a way to see things differently.  It helps when we can stop and ask “what have I been doing on my end to contribute to the difficulties in the marriage?”

It’s so much easier to focus on all the crappy things your spouse is doing without noticing what you are doing or not doing.  Plus, when we blame other people, we make ourselves powerless to change anything. But when we open up to listening- really listening – to our spouse, we can learn a whole lot.

Even if you both decide to divorce, changing the way you communicate can make all the difference to your future and most importantly, the future of your kids as you co-parent them together.

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Three Alternatives to Court for Your New Jersey Divorce

Contrary to common belief, going to court for a divorce is not the only option; and, in my experience as a family lawyer for over 20 years, I find that court is generally the last resort.  While some divorcing spouses might want their “day in court,” it’s generally not an outcome they would expect or want.  After all, judges are human like everyone else.

And there simply aren’t enough of them.  Family judges are generally overworked with the sheer volume of cases assigned to them and can’t be expected to remember the details of your case, particularly when they are often transferred and moved around.

As a result, I have seen families forced to wait a very long time for a judge’s decision as they live with unease and uncertainty.

This can be incredibly frustrating for divorcing couples.  But it’s incredibly important to at least consult with a creative and experienced family law attorney who can offer concrete guidance, direction, and strategy to achieve a much quicker outcome tailored specifically for you.

For example, you might consider these 3 alternatives to court to reach an out of court divorce settlement on your own terms:

Negotiation

The vast majority of New Jersey divorces are settled out of court by mutual agreement between both spouses and their respective lawyers.

Specialized professionals or experts

When there is a business or real property to be valued and divided, it can be very helpful to enlist a specialized professional or expert, like an accountant or appraiser, to independently value the asset.

Likewise, many accountants and mental health professionals are trained in mediation and can help facilitate agreements.

Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process facilitated by the mediator, who is a neutral third party.

The bottom line?  Every divorce is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

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How to Divorce Amicably without Court

Contrary to common belief, to get a divorce in New Jersey, you don’t need to file a divorce complaint with the court right away.

Depending on your circumstances, it might make sense to reach a divorce agreement with your spouse first.

Because generally, once you file the divorce complaint with the court, both you and your spouse are forced to abide by court-imposed events and timelines.  Many of these are strictly procedural and have nothing to do with the substantive issues in your case.

Reaching a divorce agreement with your spouse without involving the court generally involves the following steps:

Agree on a cutoff date.

Instead of filing a divorce complaint right away, divorcing spouses can enter into what’s called a “cutoff agreement.”  This is where both spouses agree not to file the divorce complaint at this time based on an agreed-upon date to be used for identifying and valuing the marital assets and determining the length of marriage for purposes of alimony.

Agree on custody and parenting time for your children.

It is generally best for your kids and far more amicable and cheaper to come to an agreement with the other parent as to custody and parenting time arrangements for your children.

To get an idea of what to include in a custody and parenting time agreement, check out this post.

Exchange financial documentation with the other spouse.

This typically starts with completing a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets and liabilities called the Case Information Statement.

For any assets or debts in one spouse’s individual name, it’s generally a good idea to obtain three or so years of statements for the following:

• savings and checking accounts
• investment accounts
• stocks and bonds
• employment records
• credit card account statements

These types of financial documents can help to identify any additional sources of income, large or unexplained withdrawals or transfers, references to additional accounts or assets, and debts that might be unrelated to the marriage.

If there are pension plans, it can be beneficial to have an outside professional calculate the present value of the marital portion.  This can open up additional options for settlement.

Obtain values of additional marital assets to be divided.

Finding out values for a home or business often requires outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.  For vehicles, Bluebook values are typically used.

Make sure to include significant items of property like jewelry, collections of coins or guns or stamps, and paintings or other artwork.

Negotiate and draft the divorce agreement.

When both spouses are satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued, the next step is generally to negotiate and decide:

• how to divide the marital assets and debts;
• amount and duration of alimony if appropriate; and
• If you have children, calculate child support and how college costs and expenses would be paid.

The above is certainly not an all-inclusive list and there can often be additional issues to be resolved between the two of you.

Oftentimes, the attorney for one spouse would draft the divorce agreement and send it to the other spouse’s lawyer.  This agreement is typically called the “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

It is a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you and your spouse.  When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

Emotions Can Derail Personal Connection & Relationships – Here’s What We Can Do, According to a Bestselling Author

We might very often find ourselves letting our emotions get the best of us and say or do something that hurts an important relationship – whether in our families or workplaces.

Our emotions can drive us to act in ways that cut us off from connection and the intimacy that we all need and crave.

In the #1 New York Times Bestseller, Rising Strong, author Brené Brown calls on us to recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave by 1) engaging with our feelings, and (2) getting curious about the story behind the feelings—what emotions we’re experiencing and how they are connected to our thoughts and behaviors.

Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work.  She has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, authored five #1 New York Times bestsellers, and is the host of the weekly Spotify Original podcasts Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

As Dr. Brown points out in Rising Strong “when I start rehearsing mean-spirited ‘gotcha’ conversations, I’m normally feeling vulnerable or afraid.”

She acknowledges how much easier it is to steamroll right over emotion and jump to “so-and-so is such an asshole” and “Who cares?” without any recognition of emotion.

Many of us are raised believing that emotions aren’t worthy of our attention.  In fact, Dr. Brown notes, most of us were never taught how to hold discomfort, sit with it, or communicate it, only how to discharge or dump it, or to pretend that it’s not happening.  We also don’t have access to emotional language or a full emotional vocabulary.

In Rising Strong, Dr. Brown points out that emotions like hurt don’t go away simply because we don’t acknowledge them.  In fact, if left unchecked, it festers, grows, and leads to behaviors that are completely out of line with whom we want to be, and thinking that can sabotage our relationships and careers.

The irony, she says, “is that at the exact same time that we are creating distance between ourselves and the people around us by off-loading onto others, we are craving deeper emotional connection and richer emotional lives.”

I know firsthand both personally and in my two-plus decades as a family lawyer, that uncontrolled eruptions of emotion endanger the emotional and physical safety that we try to create in our families, and also in our workplaces.

At the same time, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

Behind our emotions lies the meanings we make.  In Rising Strong, Brene Brown points out that meaning-making is in our biology, and our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense, feels familiar, and offers us insight into how best to self-protect.  We make up hidden stories that tell us who is against us and who is with us.  We start weaving these hidden, false stories into our lives and they eventually distort who we are and how we relate to others.

What can we do?

According to Dr. Brown, we can start by getting curious about our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.  We can commit to understanding and staying curious about how emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are connected in the people we love and lead, and how those factors affect relationships and perception.

We can commit to blaming others less and holding ourselves more accountable for asking for what we need and want.  We can parent by telling our kids that it’s ok to be sad or hurt- it’s normal and we just need to talk about it.

As difficult and uncomfortable as it is to talk about emotions, not talking about them ultimately causes greater disconnection and damage to relationships than feeling our way through them and committing to learning an empowering vocabulary to have tough conversations.

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Three Powerful Lessons on Humanity to Learn from 9/11

On the eve of the 20^th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country, we might take a moment to reflect on what we can learn from that fateful day that changed history forever.

According to this article, 9/11 taught us deep lessons about life, humanity, and ourselves that will never make it into a history book.  Here are 3 of the article’s top five lessons from 9/11:

1.        We are all connected.

9/11 was the awakening of the idea of global connectedness and exposed us to the love and support of people all over the world.  9/11 taught us that what happens in one place has ripple effects that extend across the globe.

2.        Every person has a story.

For weeks after the attacks, you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing a slideshow of faces accompanied by names and personal stories.  We were able to see that every 9/11 victim was more than just a number. They became real.

3.        There is a never-ending supply of good in the world.

In the midst of terrible times, the good in people continues to shine.  This is because, according to Steven Stosny, Ph.D. founder of CompassionPower in suburban Washington, DC., we generally have a sense of basic humanity that motivates cooperative, compassionate, and protective behavior, which in adversity, motivates rescue and nurturance of strangers.  Basic humanity allows us to recognize the inherent value of other people.

And, in the aftermath of 9/11, Americans from all over the country came together to mourn those who were lost, rebuild what had fallen, and create a renewed sense of community.

The article concludes by noting that our task, each and every day, is to live our lives at peak goodness and humanity — even when we’re not in a crisis situation.  If we do that, we’ll never lose our sense of hope that the world truly can be a better place.

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Still Paying Alimony but Your Ex Has a Serious Beau? You Might Be Entitled to Relief

If you’re paying alimony under your divorce agreement, but your ex is in a serious relationship, you might be entitled to relief under the New Jersey alimony law, updated in 2014.

The 2014 New Jersey alimony law redefined the meaning of “cohabitation” and no longer required couples to be residing together under the same roof.

In other words, your ex and significant other need not be living together on a full-time basis to warrant a reduction or termination of alimony back to the time such “cohabitation” began.

To determine if “cohabitation” actually exists under New Jersey law, courts generally consider certain factors including:

• Sharing of responsibility for living expenses and household chores;
• Recognition of the relationship in the couple’s social and family circle;
• Whether the couple is essentially living together even if in separate residences, including how often they are together and duration of the relationship, for instance; and
• Whether finances are intertwined, such as joint bank accounts and debts.

What is the process to reduce or eliminate alimony?

Generally, before you approach a court, you need to have gathered the right evidence to show factors including the above to indicate that your ex is cohabitating.

While proving cohabitation by your ex can be daunting, if done successfully can save much money if alimony were to be terminated back to the time of cohabitation.

Each situation is unique.  To learn more about modifying or terminating alimony, feel free to get in touch.

Are Your Perceptions Hurting Your Relationships? Three ways to Turn Things Around

Is your boss or business partner being too controlling?  Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t care about your feelings?

Perhaps you find yourself extremely irritated or put off by someone for reasons you can’t explain.

Have you ever experienced when someone close to you says or does something and all of a sudden, negative thoughts automatically pop into your head?  I know I have.

These types of thoughts trigger certain emotions like annoyance, frustration, or irritation, and form our perceptions.  And these perceptions influence how we act toward others.

When our actions arise from negative perceptions, they can be damaging to any type of relationship, especially when we act on them repeatedly.

While perceptions can seem automatic, we can actually prevent them from hurting our relationships.  Here are 3 things we can do:

1.        Recognize that our perceptions of others are largely false.

Perception simply acts as a lens through which we view reality.  It is not reality itself.

2.        Recognize perceptions in the moment.

When you notice you’re becoming increasingly angry, irritated, or frustrated, stop.  Negative emotions are signals to change direction.  Simply become aware that what you might think the other person is up to, to hurt you, for instance, may not be true.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

-Viktor E. Frankl

3.        What are you missing?

Chances are your automatic thoughts are focused too narrowly.  If it’s your significant other or someone else close to you, they might simply be responding to their own insecurities or fears.  Likewise, what are some of their qualities or past behaviors that you admire or love?

The next time you find yourself becoming seized by negative thoughts and emotions about someone close to you, know that you have the power to change course and turn things around.

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Seven Dos and Don’ts to Ease Divorce Transition for your Kids

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard enough just keeping things together for yourself.  So, trying to be a good parent when you’re at your worst can be overwhelming and exhausting.

These 7 DOs and DON’TS for parenting during divorce can go a long way to help ease the transition for your kids.

1.        DO stick to regular routines as much as possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, homework schedule, and curfews, particularly for younger children.

2.        DO reduce arguments with your spouse, especially around the kids.  Regardless of their ages, kids can pick up even the tiniest hint of conflict between their parents.  Even if you’re not actively shouting at each other, your kids can sense the chilly atmosphere between the two of you.

3.        DO make every effort to support your child’s relationship with the other parent so your child can feel free to love both of you.

4.        DO NOT ask the kids to act as a go-between by sending messages back and forth to the other parent.

5.        DO NOT ask the kids questions about the other parent’s personal life, such as dating activities.

6.        DO NOT make disparaging comments about your spouse to or in front of the children.

7.        DO encourage ongoing relationships between your kids and extended family members.  The more people who love and care about your kids, the less painful the divorce can be for them.

These tips can help guide you in keeping your kids front and center to minimize any long-term negative emotional effects for them.

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Divorced Parents and the 2021 Advance Child Tax Credit

You might know that with the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021, parents can get monthly checks over the second half of this year as an advance payment on their 2021 child tax credit.

Starting with payments on July 15, 2021, the IRS will pay parents of qualifying children half the total Child Tax Credit amount in advance monthly payments.  Parents will claim the other half when they file their 2021 income tax return. For more on the advance child tax credit, click here.

But what if you’re divorced?  Only one parent can claim the credit for each child and it’s typically the parent with whom the child primarily resides.

Where there is an equal custodial arrangement, however, the parents can agree that the parent with the greater income will claim the child tax credit or they can agree to alternate each year.  To complicate matters, the IRS will send the advance child tax payments to the parent who claimed the child as a dependent in 2020.

But there’s a solution.  The parent who is not designated in the divorce agreement to receive the child tax credit this year can opt out using the IRS’s online portal.

For example, if you claimed the child in 2020 but your ex will claim the child in 2021, you will still get the advance payments.  So you might want to opt out of payments now.  Then, later this year, you can use the portal to update your child tax credit information.

Always double check your options, however, by consulting with your tax professional.

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The Four Characteristics Your Lawyer Needs When You Want an Amicable Divorce

When you want an amicable divorce, it’s common to want to avoid lawyers.  After all, lawyers are commonly associated with more conflict.  Unfortunately, it’s the worst ones we tend to hear about the most.

But like any type of professional, not all divorce lawyers are created equal.  So, if you want an amicable divorce, the first thing you need to do is commit to it.  That means choosing a lawyer that reflects your commitment to an amicable divorce.

Because, believe me, there are plenty of lawyers who see every divorce they handle as a fight.  Adversarial lawyers focus mainly on finding ways to attack their adversaries instead of looking for common ground.  This tends to drive divorcing spouses farther apart, making it much harder to settle your case or to co-parent your children.

An adversarial approach to divorce can also lengthen the amount of time it takes to reach a divorce agreement and legal fees can quickly get out of hand.

So, if you’re truly committed to an amicable divorce, your lawyer should have these 4 characteristics:

1.        Experienced in Divorce and Family Law.

Your divorce lawyer should have many years of experience and focus mainly on divorce and family law.  An experienced divorce lawyer can be very helpful during negotiations.  And he or she will likely know how to expedite the process wherever possible to save you time, money, and emotional energy.

 2.        Settlement-focused.

The settlement-focused lawyer can save you time and money by guiding you to an amicable divorce settlement out of court.  Rarely do divorce cases go to trial in court, nor should they.

 3.        Exceptional communicator.

If you want an amicable divorce, your lawyer should be able to talk to you in plain English without a lot of legal mumbo jumbo.

Your divorce lawyer will want to make sure you understand the divorce process and what’s happening in your case.  Good communication is essential so you know the decisions you need to make to settle your divorce and the implications of those decisions.

 4.        Great listener.

 It goes without saying that your divorce attorney should listen to what you want and need in your divorce.  He or she should not be quick to offer “solutions” without taking time to hear you out.

The importance of having the right divorce attorney in your corner cannot be overemphasized.  It is one of the most important decisions you make in your divorce.

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Turn Your Key Relationships Around: Here’s What Tony Robbins Says

“If you want joy, happiness, freedom, and an extraordinary life, it will not come from blame. Never. There’s no pride that comes from blame.” – Tony Robbins.

The popular quote by Esther Perel,  psychotherapist, corporate organizational consultant and New York Times best-selling author holds “the quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

Tony Robbins agrees in this recent podcast with Lewis Howes.

So, what can we do if our current relationships are less than ideal?  According to Robbins, “the more you find unconditional love for others, the easier it is to unconditionally love yourself.”

Let’s say you’re angry or frustrated with a loved one who’s not treating you with respect and is constantly criticizing you.  How can you feel unconditional love for this person?

Shift your perspective.

As Robbins emphasizes “blame is not a strategy for a meaningful life; blame is not a strategy for greatness.”  He challenges you to “get out of your ego and shift from not getting to giving.”

In other words, find a new perspective from which to view your loved one.  Let’s say it’s your overly critical spouse or mother-in-law.  Here’s what Robbins suggests:

Stay in a loving place, think of all that she cares and feels for, all that she’s feeling, all that she feels frustrated about in life, all that she’s going through that made her this way.  And then feel ‘I don’t have to go through this – I can love them.’

After all, according to Robbins, “relationships are grown by giving not by demanding; not by judging.” When we judge and criticize others – as we all do, me included – as Tony Robbins puts it “you’re essentially saying that everyone else is wrong or immoral unless they do what you do, think what you think.”

But as Robbins emphasizes, “you’re more than someone else’s influence” by their words or even by their actions.

Watch your language.

As Tony Robbins points out “not everyone is going to be fair and just (and if we’re being honest, we’re not always fair and just either) You can’t control what people do.  Control is an illusion.”

Notice the language you’re using, he suggests.  For example, you might complain how “toxic” this person is.  But that’s keeping you in that perspective of the person.

So, according to Robbins, “if being around someone doesn’t serve you, acknowledge that and move on; people are toxic because you give them energy.”

He also points out that the words you use, “like saying you’re depressed, actually create a bio-chemical response in the body.”

Ultimately, according to Tony Robbins, “when it comes to living an extraordinary life, the common thread is generosity; life is not about making ourselves happy.”

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Four Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Stay Calm During Conflict

It’s inevitable that a conversation will suddenly turn heated.  In that heated moment, we lose the very part of our brains we need the most to think rationally and intentionally.  Yet how we choose to respond in any given moment can make or break a relationship.

Before you say something you might later regret, first remember that we can calm our immediate emotional response in an instant.

Here are 4 simple (not necessarily easy) yet powerful ways to stay calm during conflict:

1.        Pause and notice.

During the conversation, notice what you’re feeling when things start to get heated.  You might feel a sudden urge to yell, insult, defend yourself, or run away.  At the same time, you might notice a heated flush in your face as anger rises, pressure in your chest, or your heart beating faster.

2.        Breathe and Count.

This is the time to take that beat to breathe.  You might breathe in and count slowly to 4, then breathe out as you count slowly to 6.  Repeat until you can think clearly.

Before we can think clearly and rationally, we have to calm the brain’s “fight-or-flight” reaction.  Each time we succeed in calming our emotional reactions, we increase our strength for the next time.

3.        What do you really want?

Get clear on what you really want by asking yourself “what do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”  According to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,  “I can see I’m pushing to prove my idea is better and I should win.  What I really want is to come to an agreement that works for both of us.”  Or “what I really want is to express my real concerns and not come across as too demanding.”

Basically, it’s about taking the attention off of our egos and on what we really want for this relationship.  To find out more, check out this post.

4.        It Takes Practice

What I’ve realized is this:  like building muscle by regular workouts, it takes regular practice to strengthen the ability to control our emotions.

Taking even just 10 minutes during the day for meditation can be extremely effective in gaining control over your thoughts and emotions.  This article can help you find what might work best for you.  You might also try this app by Sam Harris. It offers a 28-day meditation course with complementary content with additional meditations.

The key is to practice regularly until it becomes a habit and available when you need it right away.  On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact.

Mastering your emotions, like anything worth having, is worth working for when you have stronger deeper connections with the people closest to you.

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Save Big on Divorce Lawyer Fees with These Five Steps

The vast majority of divorce cases are settled out of court by mutual agreement.  Therefore, once you decide to divorce, the goal should be for you and your spouse to sign a divorce agreement, typically called a Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Marital Settlement Agreement generally includes provisions for child custody, parenting time, child support, college costs for children, alimony, and division of marital assets and debts.

Below is a general list of 5 steps for settling your divorce out of court that can save you big on divorce lawyer fees.

1.        Agree about the Kids.

Draft up a written custody and parenting time agreement for your children.

2.        Inventory the Marital Assets and Debts

Make a joint list or spreadsheet of all marital assets and debts in both names or individual names.  For assets, include real property, bank accounts, investment accounts,  and all pension or retirement accounts (IRAs, 401ks,  pension and/or profit-sharing plans, annuities).

For any accounts in one spouse’s name, exchange account statements for the last three years to identify additional sources of income and any large withdrawals.  Also include personal property, such as furniture, art, and jewelry.

If there are any businesses, or premarital, partially premarital, inherited, or other more complex assets, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer about how such assets are treated under New Jersey law and to protect your interests.

For the marital debts, obtain current credit reports listing the outstanding debts in each of your names.

3.        Gather Insurance Policies

Make a joint list of all health insurance policies, health savings accounts, life insurance policies, and safe deposit box contents.

4.        Calculate the Marital Income.

Identify all sources and amounts of total income for each of you.  For any employment compensation involving bonuses, commissions, stock options, or other incentive compensation, consult with an experienced divorce and family lawyer as to how these are valued and divided under New Jersey law.

5.        Calculate Expenses.

On the income spreadsheet, list the total amount of all current expenses for the household.  Include expenses for the children and college costs, if being paid.

Identify what you would each like your post-divorce financial life to look like.  Does one of you want to keep the marital home?  Do you want to sell the home and/or other real property and each purchase separate residences?  How much do you want to have saved in retirement?   Use your goals to list anticipated post-divorce expenses, including future college costs, if any.

Getting started with these 5 steps can go a long way to saving you on legal fees while putting you in the driver’s seat of your post-divorce future.

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Five Bestselling Tips to Communicate Your Way to Successful Interpersonal Relationships

The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

-Esther Parel

In each moment, we can choose the quality of relationships we have we others.  And a critical component of successful relationships is our ability to communicate effectively.

Interpersonal skills are not typically taught in school.  This is unfortunate because these skills are crucial for creating and maintaining meaningful personal relationships both at work and at home.

Developing strong interpersonal communication skills, specifically, can lead to strong and healthy relationships in any environment.  Interpersonal communication is essentially the exchange of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and information with others.  Exchange can be verbal or non-verbal, such as with facial expressions or body language.  The key to successful interpersonal communications is to have an intended message conveyed and received as intended.

In The Achievement Habit, author Bernard Roth shares invaluable insights of design thinking to help people achieve goals never thought possible.

In the book, Roth lists his top suggestions for good interpersonal communications, which I find extremely valuable in any daily interactions with others.  Here are 5 of his tips:

1.        Speak from your own experience rather than absolutes.  For instance, saying “It seems to me or “It sounds like” instead of “Everyone knows…”

2.        Refrain from unsolicited advice.  People want to know that you heard them.  They don’t necessarily want your advice or to know about similar experiences you’ve had.

3.        Listen fully without interrupting.  It can be tempting to jump in before the other person is fully finished speaking – especially if you think you know what they’re going to say, or you’re excited about your own experience.

4.        Before telling a story, get clear on the point you want to make.  Make sure you understand what is being communicated to you. It’s easy to misinterpret a message based on our own beliefs and experiences.

5.        Limit the use of “why” questions. They tend to elicit a defensive reaction.

Even small changes to your interpersonal communications, incrementally, over time, can lead to more success and satisfaction in your business and personal relationships.

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The One Thing Most Divorcing Parents Don’t Know: The Path to an Amicable Divorce

If you are considering divorce, it’s common to want to avoid or postpone divorce to protect your kids.

As a family lawyer for over 20 years, I often hear parents voice intense concern that their kids would have a hard time adjusting to a divorce.  And many parents do choose to stay married in an effort to spare their kids that kind of pain.

What is most often overlooked – and not commonly known – is that it is the conflict between parents in the home that leaves an impact, not the divorce itself.  The actual divorce just the legal dissolution of a marriage, a piece of paper, really.

What is most emotionally destructive to children is the conflict that exists in the home.  It doesn’t matter if you shout at each other or not.  It’s the way you, as parents, might be interacting within the home that can be the most emotionally damaging to kids.

Unfortunately, I know this all too well.  I was 13 when my parents actually divorced.  But I can tell you that was the relief.

The real difficulties were during the years that preceded the actual divorce.  There was the ever-present fear and anxiety of not knowing what would happen at any given moment.

Whether my parents yelled at each other or treated each other with disrespect or indifference, the result was mounting fear and anxiety accompanied by constant headaches and stomach aches.

And having a front-row seat to an unhealthy marital relationship as a child does not bode well for that child’s ability to engage in healthy romantic relationships later in life.

Therefore, if you’ve decided to divorce, it can be valuable to look to the kind of future that you want your kids to enjoy with each of you.  You can start right away by taking concrete steps to minimize conflict in the home.

It’s also important to know that it is generally best for kids to spend time with each of you on a regular basis.  So, to this end, you might work together to come up with a mutually agreeable custody and parenting time agreement that benefits the kids.

It can be helpful to think in terms of cooperation instead of confrontation, difficult as that can be in the midst of a divorce.

Because when you both commit to an amicable divorce and your actions reflect that commitment, you are modeling resiliency in the face of change for your kids.

You might consider putting aside differences to sit together at your child’s next concert or other important activity.  Because when your children see you together united in their support, it goes a long way, and your children will be forever grateful.

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Top Four Negotiating Tips from a Mediator

If you’re looking to up your negotiating game or you want to know how to use mediation to your advantage, this post is for you.  As a lawyer and mediator, I’ve encountered a number of negotiating strategies more likely to lead to successful outcomes and came across my top four.

Mediation is an alternative to going to court to resolve disputes.  The mediator will help the parties reach a negotiated settlement.  The goal of mediation is not to win an argument; it is to achieve a favorable settlement.

Parties who engage in mediation give up their day in court to control their own outcomes in a way that works best for them.  Here are my top 4 negotiating tips to use with or without mediation.

1.        Prepare.

Before mediation – or any negotiation – it’s important to first get clear on what you really need.  Avoid getting locked into a “position,” which typically limits your options when negotiating.

Then identify what you need to know about the other party.  You might make a list of open-ended questions to uncover what the other party needs.

2.        Get the facts.

This is where you can find out the answers to those open-ended questions.  But it’s essential to first build trust with the other party.  Trust is essential before people will open up and reveal their true interests.

The importance of listening to the other party cannot be overstated.  In any negotiation – with or without a mediator – not listening or progressing too quickly to a solution is a big barrier to creating trust.

Generally, before people are willing to settle, they must feel that their interests are truly understood.  You might ask the other party for their suggestions for moving forward to an agreement.

3.        Manage emotions.

In any negotiation or mediation, managing emotions is key to a successful outcome.  While it’s common for negotiations to become frustrating, allowing your emotions to control your decisions can lead to an unfavorable outcome.

4.        Tackle the smaller issues first.

It’s generally best to start the negotiation or mediation with smaller less contentious issues.  Reaching agreement first on those smaller issues first is more likely to create momentum and motivation to resolve the larger issues.

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Try This Powerful Tip to Resolve Conflicts at Work and at Home

We generally find conflict whenever there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.  Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether with a romantic partner, friend, sibling, colleague, or co-worker.

As common as conflicts are, it’s just as common to want to avoid them.  After all, conflicts can often be fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, and discomfort.  Yet ironically, the way we handle conflict is what defines the quality of our relationships.  You might therefore look at conflict as an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your personal and professional relationships.

What I’ve learned is that for relationships to be truly successful, it is important to be able to humbly let go of the need to always be right.  If we always need to be right, we make the other person wrong.  And that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.

If you stay focused on making a case for how wrong the other person is, you’re discounting their feelings, which only makes things worse.  You might remember that there’s not always a “right” or “wrong” way of seeing things.  Both perspectives can be valid because they are each shaped by our own personal experiences and beliefs.  It’s also important to keep in mind that we all come from a unique perspective.

You might try being open to listening to the other person, just as you want them to listen to you.  Listening takes patience.  It’s being able to put aside our immediate emotional reactions and quieting the impulse to speak up and interrupt and fully take another perspective in.  This can go a long way to seeing things from the other person’s perspective, which in turn helps them see things from yours as well.

When relationship conflict inevitably arises, you might make it your intention for mutual understanding and resolution that respects everyone’s needs.  This approach can invariably lead to creative solutions you might not have otherwise considered.

Ignoring conflicts can lead to lasting resentment that can build up over time.  Ultimately, it can lead to the end of a relationship.  Instead, the more we expose ourselves to conflict, the more adept we can become at fostering strong relationships, both in business and at home.

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How to Take Charge of Your Emotions for Stronger Relationships

In your day-to-day interactions with those most important to you, how often do you find yourself letting your emotions get the best of you?

When this happens, you might feel stuck.  You might have said something or done something that hurt the relationship.  And you might be left feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and, in retrospect, perhaps a little ashamed.

This is when our emotions can drive us to act in ways that cut us off from connection and the intimacy that we all need and crave.

The first place to start is by recognizing and labeling the emotion – instead of identifying with it– and then putting some distance between you and the emotion.  For example, you might notice feeling sad or telling an old story of not being good enough.

It’s then that we can start to act in a way that brings us closer to others and in line with what is most important to us.  That’s where values come in and guide us.

According to renowned life coach, Tony Robbins, becoming aware of your values is the key to making wise choices in all aspects of your life.

According to Tony Robbins in his bestseller, Awaken the Giant Within, “anytime you have difficulty making an important decision, you can be sure that it’s the result of being unclear about your values.”

Here are 3 ways you can uncover your values:

1.        Identify what is most important to you.  Check out this list of values.

2.        Ask yourself who you want to be – to yourself, to your kids, your spouse, co-workers.  Notice when and where you can make decisions and choices from your most important values.

For example, when you’re caught in an emotional reaction with someone, you might be justified in your reaction, but is that reaction bringing you closer to who you want to be?

When my kids were younger, there were times I wanted to protect them and felt compelled to reach out to a teacher or another parent.  But after making my share of mistakes, I learned to first ask myself did I want to be that parent?

3.        Before you make a choice or act, ask yourself if you’re acting in line with your most important values and who you want to be.

There are small shifts we can make at any given moment.  When at home with your kids, for example, instead of immediately reaching for your phone, you might give them a hug.

This is the “value” of values – consistently making sure that what you do and how you act reflects what is most important to you.

And once we know our values, we can use them as a roadmap to guide even the smallest decisions to bring us closer to the people we care about most.

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The Art of Mastering Difficult Conversations

One of the most important life skills is knowing how to navigate difficult conversations. After all, the way we approach these conversations can make or break any relationship, whether professional or personal.

Difficult conversations might include:

• Approaching an employee or business partner not meeting expectations.
• Owing up to a mistake;
• Leaving a job; or
• Ending your marriage or relationship.

It’s often easier to avoid these conversations altogether.  But that doesn’t bode well for any relationship.  Nor does carrying around resentment.  I’ve learned to see that difficult conversations can be opportunities for personal growth and to deepen important relationships.

Finessing your way through difficult conversations mainly involves really listening to where others are coming from and being intentional about what we’re really trying to say.  Below are 4 steps to mastering difficult conversations:

1.        Get right to the point.

First, get clear on the message you want to convey.  Make sure you know exactly what you want to talk about.  Match up the message you want to convey with how the other person is likely to hear it.

2.        Ask, don’t assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume we know why the other person is acting the way they are.  But for any difficult conversation to be successful, we need to understand where the other person is coming from.

Use tentative phrases like “it seems” or “maybe” to minimize coming off as confrontational.  For example, you might ask “What about this is important to you?”

3.        Listen effectively.

As humans, we all have a basic need to be heard and understood.  The most effective way you can listen and hear the other person is simply by being present – not just to the words being said, but the other person’s emotional experience.  You might notice emotions you hear behind the words – anger, fear, annoyance, for example.

4.        Respond with empathy.

When you’ve effectively listened to the other person, you can respond by relating to their emotions and paraphrase what you’re hearing.  For example, you might say, “it sounds like you felt betrayed.  I didn’t realize you saw things that way.”

This is likely to lead to greater trust and the other person is far more likely to listen and hear your version of things.  Share your own point of view clearly and ask for the other person’s input in a solution.

When we begin to navigate difficult conversations with an understanding and respect of another’s viewpoint, we can maintain and even strengthen our most important professional and personal relationships.

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Three Steps to Prevent Anger from Destroying Your Relationships and Your Health

Anger is a basic human emotion.  But anger can easily become toxic to our health and damaging to our relationships unless it is effectively managed and healthily communicated.  Most of us lack these critical skills.  But the good news is these are skills that can be learned.

Learning how to manage and communicate anger, can save your relationships– with your spouse, child, parent, or close friend.  And it can literally save your life.

When anger is not processed and expressed constructively, it can get internalized.  And when anger is kept in, it can turn into depression and lead to serious physical illnesses.  These include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and stroke, ulcers, and chronic pain.

Anger that gets kept in simmers just below the surface and it doesn’t take much to blow up.  Likewise, anger can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior that includes belittling, nastiness, rudeness, or being overly critical of others.

None of this bodes well for our close relationships or physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being.  Below are 3 steps to prevent anger from jeopardizing your health and relationships:

1.        Focus on the outcome you want.

Let’s say, for example, you want a closer, more loving relationship with your spouse.  By focusing on this outcome daily, you become less reactive to what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

2.        Stop and breathe.

The first thing to do is to calm your emotional reaction so you can see things rationally. Lashing back would be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

But if your response is calm and intentional, you can literally change the course of the conversation into a productive exchange where you feel heard and understood and feel a greater sense of compassion.

So, first, notice when your anger slowly starts to build.  You feel your blood temperature start to rise.  What we do in that moment can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a full-on heated confrontation or argument.

You might imagine a big stop sign.  Then take one to three slow breaths.  Or count backward from 5 to 1, described as the 5 Second Rule.  Another very helpful trick to calm your emotions is this yoga breathing method.

3.        Rationalize.

Recognize that as humans, we are all just trying to do the best we can.   As the poet and author Maya Angelou once said, “when you know better, you do better.”   Accepting the truth of someone’s limitations can be very liberating.

Over time, you can actually change the way your brain responds to emotional triggers in the future.  And it can literally save your important relationships and your health.

For more tips on responding productively in the heat of an argument, check out this post.

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Four Types of Assets Commonly Overlooked in Divorce

Divorcing spouses typically obtain or exchange information about each other’s incomes, assets, and debts acquired during the marriage.  This process, called “discovery,” includes things like bank statements, credit card statements, and employment records.

Accurate values for assets like your home or business, however, might require outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.

While you might be familiar with certain financial assets in your spouse’s name, it’s likewise important to consider these 4 types of assets commonly overlooked in divorce:

1.     Stock Options & Restricted Stock

Corporations are increasingly granting stock options as compensation for past or future services.  Likewise, costly litigation can arise over whether stock options are marital assets, and if so, how they should be valued and divided.  It’s therefore important to know how these assets are valued and divided when negotiating your divorce agreement.

2.     Capital Loss Carryover

Generally, if the sale of an investment or capital asset like a piece of real estate resulted in a loss, it can be used to offset capital gains, or otherwise, to lower ordinary income tax liability.

Capital losses can be carried forward into subsequent years as needed until they are fully deducted.  For example, in a recent divorce case, I represented the wife whose husband had carried over losses claimed for commercial real estate on his separate income tax returns for several years.  Yet, in the divorce, the husband wanted the wife to share in tax liability when the properties were sold.  If the Wife had agreed, it would have cost her tens of thousands of dollars and, fortunately, we were able to resolve this issue out of court.

3.     Collections and Memorabilia

Personal property is an area where potentially valuable assets can easily be overlooked.  It’s important to consider these potentially valuable items to divide in the divorce:

• Jewelry
• Furs
• Collections of coins or stamps
• Guns or other weapons
• Recreational vehicles
• Artwork
• Antiques
• Sports memorabilia and trading cards
• Classic cars
• Fine wines

4.     Credit Card Reward Points

When dividing up assets in a divorce, it can be easy to overlook credit card rewards points.  Generally, credit card rewards earned during the marriage can be considered a marital asset, regardless of which spouse earned them.

The above assets are just some that can have significant value and easily get overlooked when dividing assets in divorce.

It’s therefore important to consult with an experienced family lawyer to make sure you don’t walk away from potentially large amounts of money in your divorce.

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Finesse Your Way Through Difficult Conversations with These Four Tips

It can happen to all of us at one time or another.  You find yourself in the middle of an argument with the other person yelling at you full throttle in an angry rant.

While this type of situation hopefully doesn’t happen often for you, when it does, we’re often ill-equipped to handle them.

But how you handle these exchanges can be critical to our relationships because they usually happen with people closest to us.  So, when you find yourself in the next difficult conversation with a loved one or close friend, be prepared with these 4 powerful tips:

1.        Remain calm.

When you already have one person overreacting, you don’t want to add proverbial fuel to the fire and make things worse.  For specific ways to keep calm during conflict, check out this post.

 2.        Ignore the drama.

Or better yet, visualize the other person as a child having a temper tantrum.  Believe it or not, this works to put you in a problem-solving frame of mind.

I had a client who was able to resolve conflicts with her ex by knowing when it was time to “put a lollypop in his mouth,” figuratively of course.  This allows you to dismiss the drama and get to the underlying problem.

3.        Ask questions.

Once they stop yelling, it’s generally best to start asking questions to get them thinking.  This engages the rational part of their brain.  What you want is to move an angry situation toward the possibility of negotiating.  You might ask “how can I help with that?”

It generally helps to steer clear of making statements or explaining why you’re right so they “understand.”  It doesn’t work and typically puts the other person on the defensive.

According to political expert Frank Luntz in Words That Work , “it’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.”

4.        Actively listen.

While listening, think about why they might be saying what they’re saying.  How do they see things?

Then you can respond precisely to how they’re feeling instead of what they’re actually saying.  For example, “that must be really scary.”

What I’ve learned is this.  The way we handle conflict in our relationships tends to define the strength of those relationships.

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How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce to Keep things Amicable

If you’ve come to the sad realization that your marriage is over and don’t know how to tell your spouse, this article is for you.

You might have put in a lot of hard work and energy to save the marriage, but things just haven’t gotten better.  You know you need to move on.  And you feel comfortable with your decision.

You know it’s time to tell your spouse you want a divorce.  But what should you say?  How do you say what might be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to say?

Generally speaking, how you tell your spouse will likely determine how the divorce process will unfold for you.  And if you have kids, the way you break the news to your spouse can help or hurt your co-parenting relationship.  These tips can help soften the blow to your spouse and keep the divorce amicable:

Timing is important.

If you have children, make arrangements for them to be out of the house.  Allow enough time for the conversation.  Eliminate distractions by turning off your cell phone.

Practice what to say and how to say it.

You might say “I think you’d agree that we’re making each other miserable.  I’m concerned if we keep going this way we’ll end up hating each other.”

If you have children, you might offer “Our kids deserve better. They deserve to have two parents who are each happy, and not be destined to model what we’ve been like in our marriage.”

Clearly convey to your spouse you are committed to remaining respectful and reaching an agreement that works for both of you.

Prepare yourself for a variety of responses from your spouse such as anger or attempts to manipulate you into changing your mind.   Avoid becoming reactive or defensive.

Do not try to convince your spouse that this is the best option.  Keep the conversation focused on the future, not the past, and who is at fault.

If the conversation turns toward fault or legalities, dividing assets, or paying support, simply reiterate your commitment to remaining respectful of your spouse’s feelings and reaching an amicable outcome.  Then end the conversation by offering to give your spouse some space.  The time to address the legal issue will come later as your spouse adjusts to the reality of the divorce.

Be firm yet sensitive.

You can remain firm while being compassionate.  Be compassionate and respectful. Understand your spouse might not want the divorce.  Avoid wavering which could give your spouse false hopes for saving the marriage.

How to tell your spouse you hired a lawyer.

It’s generally best to prepare yourself by consulting with a knowledgeable divorce and family lawyer about outcomes to expect and how to resolve the issues in the divorce out of court.

Before you tell your spouse you’ve hired a lawyer, gauge if the timing seems right and tell him or her in a way that makes it clear you’re not looking to fight.

For example, you might say something like “I know you wouldn’t want to have the kind of lawyers involved who cause more damage and cost us money that would be better put to use for our kids and our future.  That’s why I chose someone who focuses on reaching agreement through settlement with the goal of staying out of court.”

Approaching your spouse with compassion and sensitivity can go a long way to making your divorce amicable.

Important Note: The above is not intended to address situations where domestic violence exists or is likely to exist.

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How to Allow Grief into Your Life: A Personal Perspective

My dad passed away just recently.  He’d been suffering from Parkinson’s disease in recent years and when dementia kicked in, I made an effort to mentally prepare myself for the worse.

But it’s true what they say; no matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and grief you will experience.

It’s what I can only describe as initial shock, followed by cycles of being okay one moment, then sad and crying or angry in the next.

For instance, since my father’s death, I noticed that I can be going along okay and then all of a sudden, be hit with memories and emotion.

It seemed grief came in these waves, much like waves in the ocean, that you just have to ride out.  And then there would be a break.

But when you’re experiencing the kind of loss and grief associated with the death of a loved one – or with divorce or loss of a relationship, loss of financial stability, or loss of health, to name a few, I cannot stress enough the importance of self-advocating.  Which is not so easy, at least for me.

My go-to has always been to keep the inner turmoil of my emotional life to myself or share with only a very select few family members.

I didn’t want to “burden” anyone and, for years, I believed and told myself that I needed to “keep busy” or “go to work” to keep my mind off things.

But I’ve since learned that this only suppresses and prolongs the grief feelings that are just so necessary.

What I’ve also come to learn is that emotions need to be released or they get stored in the body.  And that can manifest as painful physical, emotional, or mental symptoms.

Knowing this has helped me overcome what I call the “burden syndrome.”  And that others do care and genuinely want to help.  So, it’s okay to tell your employer or colleagues, “my dad just died,” and I need some time.  And they will understand (if they don’t, that’s another issue).

It might be more difficult to share, for example, “I’m having a particularly tough time with my divorce,”  But nevertheless; grief is grief.

And even if it’s the last thing you want to do with that time, do this.  Acknowledge that the waves will come at you.  Ride them out.  And do it again.

And perhaps during a “break” in the waves, you can experience something you enjoy.  Or something that seems more “normal.”

It’s not pretty. it’s not fun.  But as I now know, it is necessary.  And it’s good for you in the long run, as the waves become farther apart and eventually dissipate.

Thanks for reading!  If you liked this post, please share on social media and with others who would find it helpful.

Powerful Tips for Managing Family Business Conflicts in Pandemic Times and Beyond

When we accept that conflict is a part of life, we can move into learning to manage it, or ideally, transform it in a way that brings us closer in our important family and business relationships.

Conflict generally happens when there’s a clash of differing perspectives accompanied by strong emotions.   

Conflict often results from lack of communication or poor communication – when we’re not effectively conveying what we’re trying to get across. 

The irony is that while conflict resolution is a crucial life skill, it’s generally not taught in school – or at home, for that matter. 

Many of us have been working from home for the past year due to the pandemic.  And with so many employees now out of sight, there can be enhanced risks that conflicts will go unnoticed or avoided until perhaps they become unmanageable. 

When the conflict in any relationship – work-related, business, or personal – is ongoing, it creates stress that can negatively affect our health and well-being.  

When we’re dealing with people who we see every day, and our success at work or in business is predicated on having successful relationships,  it’s the way we handle conflict that ultimately determines the success of those relationships. 

Generally, people deal with conflict in one of two ways.  The first way is we tend to avoid it.  When we avoid conflict, we tend to push down negatively charged emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt.  And the longer a conflict goes on, the more resentment builds.  This could ultimately lead to a complete breakdown in a family or business relationship.

The other way we tend to deal with conflict is by becoming worked up to the point where we lash out at someone else.  Depending on the things we say or how we say it, this can seriously jeopardize any relationship. 

When a conflict with a family member or co-worker arises in the business, it’s generally best to approach the other person right away with the intent to resolve the conflict.   This can be an opportunity to deepen understanding and improve the relationship. 

 Resolving conflict has certain challenges in our now remote workspace, however.  It can be generally harder to build trust, which really is essential to do before starting a difficult conversation with a family member or co-worker. 

We tend to use emails and messaging platforms more and it’s easier to misconstrue someone’s meaning in an email.   Likewise, body language can be easily misconstrued over video or video conferencing can be glitchy, which interrupts the flow of any conversation.

But what we can do – and that’s true virtually or not – is build our skill at managing our emotions.  When we can effectively manage emotions, we can successfully handle any interpersonal conflict.  

Here are 6 powerful tips for managing emotions in a conflict or difficult conversation: 

1.  Set your intention for a positive outcome.

Suspend all judgment about the other person.   Instead of automatically assuming he or she is lazy, selfish, or taking advantage, just assume there are things you don’t know that might be causing the behavior.   They might have had a bad day or a fight with their spouse, for example. 

2.        Plan your timing.

Make sure the other person is able to pay attention, or not right before a meal when you or the other person might be “hangry.” 

3.       Get clear on what you really want. 

For instance, you might think “I want to win or be right,” but what you really might want is to come to an agreement that works for both of you.

Now is a great time to connect with your values, what is really important to you.  Then match what you do next to what you really want. 

4.        Carefully weigh what you say.    

Think about what you want to convey and how it might land with the other person.

Avoid starting a difficult conversation with “we have to talk.”   Your family member or coworker is likely to expect to hear you tell him something he is doing wrong. 

Notice what you’re feeling – just take that moment to pause – see if you have the urge to win or prove you’re right. 

Then it can really make a difference to start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. 

Before responding, the first thing you want to do is just listen.  And show you’re listening by saying something like “I hear you” or lean in with body language, nodding your head. 

If you feel the urge to jump in and defend yourself, simply stop for a beat of about a breath.  Then refocus back on your intention for the outcome. 

To get anywhere in relationship conflicts, whether in a family or other business, work, or at home, requires that we stop thinking about how right we are, and literally see things from how the other person sees them. 

5.     Take responsibility.

Conflicts are rarely caused by one person.   You might ask yourself “what can I take responsibility for?”   

Acknowledging your piece is likely to build trust with your family member or business colleague and he or she is likely to respond in kind. 

6.     Get support if you need it.

All leaders need the confidence and skills to manage conflict.  Whether it’s participating in ongoing training in conflict management skills, or bringing in a skilled mediator, managing and resolving conflict can save incredible amounts of time, money, and stress.

The key to strengthening family and business relationships is to be able to not just manage conflict when it inevitably shows up, but to transform it in a way that leads to greater understanding and deeper connection. 

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