As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, divorcing spouses come to my office deciding to call it quits for wide variety of reasons. But there really is one common thread I see over and over again.
It’s the breakdown in the ability to effectively communicate with each other. And this tends to differ between men and women.
Men, for instance, often talk about feeling unappreciated and criticized by their wives. Women, on the other hand, often feel emotionally invalidated and ignored by their husbands. It’s clear that many couples become unable to resolve daily conflicts or stop talking to each other altogether.
Over time, resentment kicks in, which can lead to contempt, or even indifference. And then, the marriage can just become a source of anger and pain.
Many couples delay divorce or decide to stay together for the kids. But there are plenty of studies that show that regular exposure to conflict in the household, even if there is no actual shouting, can have a traumatic emotional effect on kids.
In my experience, however, as a divorce lawyer and personally, there’s always a way to see things differently. It helps when we can stop and ask “what have I been doing on my end to contribute to the difficulties in the marriage?”
It’s so much easier to focus on all the crappy things your spouse is doing without noticing what you are doing or not doing. Plus, when we blame other people, we make ourselves powerless to change anything. But when we open up to listening- really listening – to our spouse, we can learn a whole lot.
Even if you both decide to divorce, changing the way you communicate can make all the difference to your future and most importantly, the future of your kids as you co-parent them together.
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