The #1 Reason Couples Divorce According to a Divorce Lawyer

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, divorcing spouses come to my office deciding to call it quits for wide variety of reasons.  But there really is one common thread I see over and over again.

It’s the breakdown in the ability to effectively communicate with each other.  And this tends to differ between men and women.

Men, for instance, often talk about feeling unappreciated and criticized by their wives. Women, on the other hand, often feel emotionally invalidated and ignored by their husbands.  It’s clear that many couples become unable to resolve daily conflicts or stop talking to each other altogether.

Over time, resentment kicks in, which can lead to contempt, or even indifference.  And then, the marriage can just become a source of anger and pain.

Many couples delay divorce or decide to stay together for the kids.  But there are plenty of studies that show that regular exposure to conflict in the household, even if there is no actual shouting, can have a traumatic emotional effect on kids.

In my experience, however, as a divorce lawyer and personally, there’s always a way to see things differently.  It helps when we can stop and ask “what have I been doing on my end to contribute to the difficulties in the marriage?”

It’s so much easier to focus on all the crappy things your spouse is doing without noticing what you are doing or not doing.  Plus, when we blame other people, we make ourselves powerless to change anything. But when we open up to listening- really listening – to our spouse, we can learn a whole lot.

Even if you both decide to divorce, changing the way you communicate can make all the difference to your future and most importantly, the future of your kids as you co-parent them together.

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Three Alternatives to Court for Your New Jersey Divorce

Contrary to common belief, going to court for a divorce is not the only option; and, in my experience as a family lawyer for over 20 years, I find that court is generally the last resort.  While some divorcing spouses might want their “day in court,” it’s generally not an outcome they would expect or want.  After all, judges are human like everyone else.

And there simply aren’t enough of them.  Family judges are generally overworked with the sheer volume of cases assigned to them and can’t be expected to remember the details of your case, particularly when they are often transferred and moved around.

As a result, I have seen families forced to wait a very long time for a judge’s decision as they live with unease and uncertainty.

This can be incredibly frustrating for divorcing couples.  But it’s incredibly important to at least consult with a creative and experienced family law attorney who can offer concrete guidance, direction, and strategy to achieve a much quicker outcome tailored specifically for you.

For example, you might consider these 3 alternatives to court to reach an out of court divorce settlement on your own terms:

Negotiation

The vast majority of New Jersey divorces are settled out of court by mutual agreement between both spouses and their respective lawyers.

Specialized professionals or experts

When there is a business or real property to be valued and divided, it can be very helpful to enlist a specialized professional or expert, like an accountant or appraiser, to independently value the asset.

Likewise, many accountants and mental health professionals are trained in mediation and can help facilitate agreements.

Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process facilitated by the mediator, who is a neutral third party.

The bottom line?  Every divorce is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

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How to Divorce Amicably without Court

Contrary to common belief, to get a divorce in New Jersey, you don’t need to file a divorce complaint with the court right away.

Depending on your circumstances, it might make sense to reach a divorce agreement with your spouse first.

Because generally, once you file the divorce complaint with the court, both you and your spouse are forced to abide by court-imposed events and timelines.  Many of these are strictly procedural and have nothing to do with the substantive issues in your case.

Reaching a divorce agreement with your spouse without involving the court generally involves the following steps:

Agree on a cutoff date.

Instead of filing a divorce complaint right away, divorcing spouses can enter into what’s called a “cutoff agreement.”  This is where both spouses agree not to file the divorce complaint at this time based on an agreed-upon date to be used for identifying and valuing the marital assets and determining the length of marriage for purposes of alimony.

Agree on custody and parenting time for your children.

It is generally best for your kids and far more amicable and cheaper to come to an agreement with the other parent as to custody and parenting time arrangements for your children.

To get an idea of what to include in a custody and parenting time agreement, check out this post.

Exchange financial documentation with the other spouse.

This typically starts with completing a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets and liabilities called the Case Information Statement.

For any assets or debts in one spouse’s individual name, it’s generally a good idea to obtain three or so years of statements for the following:

• savings and checking accounts
• investment accounts
• stocks and bonds
• employment records
• credit card account statements

These types of financial documents can help to identify any additional sources of income, large or unexplained withdrawals or transfers, references to additional accounts or assets, and debts that might be unrelated to the marriage.

If there are pension plans, it can be beneficial to have an outside professional calculate the present value of the marital portion.  This can open up additional options for settlement.

Obtain values of additional marital assets to be divided.

Finding out values for a home or business often requires outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.  For vehicles, Bluebook values are typically used.

Make sure to include significant items of property like jewelry, collections of coins or guns or stamps, and paintings or other artwork.

Negotiate and draft the divorce agreement.

When both spouses are satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued, the next step is generally to negotiate and decide:

• how to divide the marital assets and debts;
• amount and duration of alimony if appropriate; and
• If you have children, calculate child support and how college costs and expenses would be paid.

The above is certainly not an all-inclusive list and there can often be additional issues to be resolved between the two of you.

Oftentimes, the attorney for one spouse would draft the divorce agreement and send it to the other spouse’s lawyer.  This agreement is typically called the “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

It is a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you and your spouse.  When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.