The #1 Reason Couples Divorce According to a Divorce Lawyer

As a divorce and family lawyer for over 20 years, divorcing spouses come to my office deciding to call it quits for wide variety of reasons.  But there really is one common thread I see over and over again.

It’s the breakdown in the ability to effectively communicate with each other.  And this tends to differ between men and women.

Men, for instance, often talk about feeling unappreciated and criticized by their wives. Women, on the other hand, often feel emotionally invalidated and ignored by their husbands.  It’s clear that many couples become unable to resolve daily conflicts or stop talking to each other altogether.

Over time, resentment kicks in, which can lead to contempt, or even indifference.  And then, the marriage can just become a source of anger and pain.

Many couples delay divorce or decide to stay together for the kids.  But there are plenty of studies that show that regular exposure to conflict in the household, even if there is no actual shouting, can have a traumatic emotional effect on kids.

In my experience, however, as a divorce lawyer and personally, there’s always a way to see things differently.  It helps when we can stop and ask “what have I been doing on my end to contribute to the difficulties in the marriage?”

It’s so much easier to focus on all the crappy things your spouse is doing without noticing what you are doing or not doing.  Plus, when we blame other people, we make ourselves powerless to change anything. But when we open up to listening- really listening – to our spouse, we can learn a whole lot.

Even if you both decide to divorce, changing the way you communicate can make all the difference to your future and most importantly, the future of your kids as you co-parent them together.

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Three Alternatives to Court for Your New Jersey Divorce

Contrary to common belief, going to court for a divorce is not the only option; and, in my experience as a family lawyer for over 20 years, I find that court is generally the last resort.  While some divorcing spouses might want their “day in court,” it’s generally not an outcome they would expect or want.  After all, judges are human like everyone else.

And there simply aren’t enough of them.  Family judges are generally overworked with the sheer volume of cases assigned to them and can’t be expected to remember the details of your case, particularly when they are often transferred and moved around.

As a result, I have seen families forced to wait a very long time for a judge’s decision as they live with unease and uncertainty.

This can be incredibly frustrating for divorcing couples.  But it’s incredibly important to at least consult with a creative and experienced family law attorney who can offer concrete guidance, direction, and strategy to achieve a much quicker outcome tailored specifically for you.

For example, you might consider these 3 alternatives to court to reach an out of court divorce settlement on your own terms:

Negotiation

The vast majority of New Jersey divorces are settled out of court by mutual agreement between both spouses and their respective lawyers.

Specialized professionals or experts

When there is a business or real property to be valued and divided, it can be very helpful to enlist a specialized professional or expert, like an accountant or appraiser, to independently value the asset.

Likewise, many accountants and mental health professionals are trained in mediation and can help facilitate agreements.

Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation is a confidential non-binding dispute resolution process facilitated by the mediator, who is a neutral third party.

The bottom line?  Every divorce is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

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How to Divorce Amicably without Court

Contrary to common belief, to get a divorce in New Jersey, you don’t need to file a divorce complaint with the court right away.

Depending on your circumstances, it might make sense to reach a divorce agreement with your spouse first.

Because generally, once you file the divorce complaint with the court, both you and your spouse are forced to abide by court-imposed events and timelines.  Many of these are strictly procedural and have nothing to do with the substantive issues in your case.

Reaching a divorce agreement with your spouse without involving the court generally involves the following steps:

Agree on a cutoff date.

Instead of filing a divorce complaint right away, divorcing spouses can enter into what’s called a “cutoff agreement.”  This is where both spouses agree not to file the divorce complaint at this time based on an agreed-upon date to be used for identifying and valuing the marital assets and determining the length of marriage for purposes of alimony.

Agree on custody and parenting time for your children.

It is generally best for your kids and far more amicable and cheaper to come to an agreement with the other parent as to custody and parenting time arrangements for your children.

To get an idea of what to include in a custody and parenting time agreement, check out this post.

Exchange financial documentation with the other spouse.

This typically starts with completing a sworn statement of your income, expenses, and assets and liabilities called the Case Information Statement.

For any assets or debts in one spouse’s individual name, it’s generally a good idea to obtain three or so years of statements for the following:

• savings and checking accounts
• investment accounts
• stocks and bonds
• employment records
• credit card account statements

These types of financial documents can help to identify any additional sources of income, large or unexplained withdrawals or transfers, references to additional accounts or assets, and debts that might be unrelated to the marriage.

If there are pension plans, it can be beneficial to have an outside professional calculate the present value of the marital portion.  This can open up additional options for settlement.

Obtain values of additional marital assets to be divided.

Finding out values for a home or business often requires outside professionals like appraisers or accountants.  For vehicles, Bluebook values are typically used.

Make sure to include significant items of property like jewelry, collections of coins or guns or stamps, and paintings or other artwork.

Negotiate and draft the divorce agreement.

When both spouses are satisfied that all marital income, assets, and debts have been identified and valued, the next step is generally to negotiate and decide:

• how to divide the marital assets and debts;
• amount and duration of alimony if appropriate; and
• If you have children, calculate child support and how college costs and expenses would be paid.

The above is certainly not an all-inclusive list and there can often be additional issues to be resolved between the two of you.

Oftentimes, the attorney for one spouse would draft the divorce agreement and send it to the other spouse’s lawyer.  This agreement is typically called the “Marital Settlement Agreement.”

It is a comprehensive legal agreement that resolves all of the issues between you and your spouse.  When the court enters a Judgment of Divorce, the Marital Settlement Agreement typically gets attached and becomes binding as a court order.

For more information about how to settle your divorce out of court or for a personalized consultation, please click here.

Emotions Can Derail Personal Connection & Relationships – Here’s What We Can Do, According to a Bestselling Author

We might very often find ourselves letting our emotions get the best of us and say or do something that hurts an important relationship – whether in our families or workplaces.

Our emotions can drive us to act in ways that cut us off from connection and the intimacy that we all need and crave.

In the #1 New York Times Bestseller, Rising Strong, author Brené Brown calls on us to recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave by 1) engaging with our feelings, and (2) getting curious about the story behind the feelings—what emotions we’re experiencing and how they are connected to our thoughts and behaviors.

Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work.  She has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, authored five #1 New York Times bestsellers, and is the host of the weekly Spotify Original podcasts Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

As Dr. Brown points out in Rising Strong “when I start rehearsing mean-spirited ‘gotcha’ conversations, I’m normally feeling vulnerable or afraid.”

She acknowledges how much easier it is to steamroll right over emotion and jump to “so-and-so is such an asshole” and “Who cares?” without any recognition of emotion.

Many of us are raised believing that emotions aren’t worthy of our attention.  In fact, Dr. Brown notes, most of us were never taught how to hold discomfort, sit with it, or communicate it, only how to discharge or dump it, or to pretend that it’s not happening.  We also don’t have access to emotional language or a full emotional vocabulary.

In Rising Strong, Dr. Brown points out that emotions like hurt don’t go away simply because we don’t acknowledge them.  In fact, if left unchecked, it festers, grows, and leads to behaviors that are completely out of line with whom we want to be, and thinking that can sabotage our relationships and careers.

The irony, she says, “is that at the exact same time that we are creating distance between ourselves and the people around us by off-loading onto others, we are craving deeper emotional connection and richer emotional lives.”

I know firsthand both personally and in my two-plus decades as a family lawyer, that uncontrolled eruptions of emotion endanger the emotional and physical safety that we try to create in our families, and also in our workplaces.

At the same time, medical resources show that when we try to hide or ignore emotions, they go deep within and can cause ulcers, back pain, and any number of illnesses.

Behind our emotions lies the meanings we make.  In Rising Strong, Brene Brown points out that meaning-making is in our biology, and our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense, feels familiar, and offers us insight into how best to self-protect.  We make up hidden stories that tell us who is against us and who is with us.  We start weaving these hidden, false stories into our lives and they eventually distort who we are and how we relate to others.

What can we do?

According to Dr. Brown, we can start by getting curious about our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.  We can commit to understanding and staying curious about how emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are connected in the people we love and lead, and how those factors affect relationships and perception.

We can commit to blaming others less and holding ourselves more accountable for asking for what we need and want.  We can parent by telling our kids that it’s ok to be sad or hurt- it’s normal and we just need to talk about it.

As difficult and uncomfortable as it is to talk about emotions, not talking about them ultimately causes greater disconnection and damage to relationships than feeling our way through them and committing to learning an empowering vocabulary to have tough conversations.

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Three Powerful Lessons on Humanity to Learn from 9/11

On the eve of the 20^th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country, we might take a moment to reflect on what we can learn from that fateful day that changed history forever.

According to this article, 9/11 taught us deep lessons about life, humanity, and ourselves that will never make it into a history book.  Here are 3 of the article’s top five lessons from 9/11:

1.        We are all connected.

9/11 was the awakening of the idea of global connectedness and exposed us to the love and support of people all over the world.  9/11 taught us that what happens in one place has ripple effects that extend across the globe.

2.        Every person has a story.

For weeks after the attacks, you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing a slideshow of faces accompanied by names and personal stories.  We were able to see that every 9/11 victim was more than just a number. They became real.

3.        There is a never-ending supply of good in the world.

In the midst of terrible times, the good in people continues to shine.  This is because, according to Steven Stosny, Ph.D. founder of CompassionPower in suburban Washington, DC., we generally have a sense of basic humanity that motivates cooperative, compassionate, and protective behavior, which in adversity, motivates rescue and nurturance of strangers.  Basic humanity allows us to recognize the inherent value of other people.

And, in the aftermath of 9/11, Americans from all over the country came together to mourn those who were lost, rebuild what had fallen, and create a renewed sense of community.

The article concludes by noting that our task, each and every day, is to live our lives at peak goodness and humanity — even when we’re not in a crisis situation.  If we do that, we’ll never lose our sense of hope that the world truly can be a better place.

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Still Paying Alimony but Your Ex Has a Serious Beau? You Might Be Entitled to Relief

If you’re paying alimony under your divorce agreement, but your ex is in a serious relationship, you might be entitled to relief under the New Jersey alimony law, updated in 2014.

The 2014 New Jersey alimony law redefined the meaning of “cohabitation” and no longer required couples to be residing together under the same roof.

In other words, your ex and significant other need not be living together on a full-time basis to warrant a reduction or termination of alimony back to the time such “cohabitation” began.

To determine if “cohabitation” actually exists under New Jersey law, courts generally consider certain factors including:

• Sharing of responsibility for living expenses and household chores;
• Recognition of the relationship in the couple’s social and family circle;
• Whether the couple is essentially living together even if in separate residences, including how often they are together and duration of the relationship, for instance; and
• Whether finances are intertwined, such as joint bank accounts and debts.

What is the process to reduce or eliminate alimony?

Generally, before you approach a court, you need to have gathered the right evidence to show factors including the above to indicate that your ex is cohabitating.

While proving cohabitation by your ex can be daunting, if done successfully can save much money if alimony were to be terminated back to the time of cohabitation.

Each situation is unique.  To learn more about modifying or terminating alimony, feel free to get in touch.

Are Your Perceptions Hurting Your Relationships? Three ways to Turn Things Around

Is your boss or business partner being too controlling?  Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t care about your feelings?

Perhaps you find yourself extremely irritated or put off by someone for reasons you can’t explain.

Have you ever experienced when someone close to you says or does something and all of a sudden, negative thoughts automatically pop into your head?  I know I have.

These types of thoughts trigger certain emotions like annoyance, frustration, or irritation, and form our perceptions.  And these perceptions influence how we act toward others.

When our actions arise from negative perceptions, they can be damaging to any type of relationship, especially when we act on them repeatedly.

While perceptions can seem automatic, we can actually prevent them from hurting our relationships.  Here are 3 things we can do:

1.        Recognize that our perceptions of others are largely false.

Perception simply acts as a lens through which we view reality.  It is not reality itself.

2.        Recognize perceptions in the moment.

When you notice you’re becoming increasingly angry, irritated, or frustrated, stop.  Negative emotions are signals to change direction.  Simply become aware that what you might think the other person is up to, to hurt you, for instance, may not be true.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

-Viktor E. Frankl

3.        What are you missing?

Chances are your automatic thoughts are focused too narrowly.  If it’s your significant other or someone else close to you, they might simply be responding to their own insecurities or fears.  Likewise, what are some of their qualities or past behaviors that you admire or love?

The next time you find yourself becoming seized by negative thoughts and emotions about someone close to you, know that you have the power to change course and turn things around.

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